This list is getting smaller

Things I dream of doing...

Dance

Bike License

NZ trip

Caving

learn how to do strikethroughs

buy my own home

lose 5kgs

lose 10kgs YAY ME!!!!!

lose 20kgs

Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.

Skydive

Go to the top of centrepoint tower at night

Ride on my motorbike

have sex make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)

be kissed by a man who I am not related to

be held by a man who I am not related to

Back, to some extent

Part of my need to go offline was because D had been in touch with me again. Basically he was begging me to give him another chance. I needed to take some time out to consider it.

Lying is my number 1 deal breaker. As much as he says he cares about me and wants me in his life, I do not know whether I can get past the lies he told in order to push me away in the first place. I do not know whether I want to risk being hurt by him again. To add to this confusion is the fact that while he has professed his feelings for me, he still does not call or message or text me when he says he is going to. There is always an excuse.

I deserve better.

I have had some discussion with him over how I am feeling towards him and what he has done. He has expressed hurt that I have been meeting other people (I had to laugh at that). We are yet to make a clean break. There has been alot of damage done to my trust and the distance is not helping. I don't know whether we can have a future together.

I have been chatting to a couple of people, and have met one in the last week or so. Not interested in a relationship with this man (he was actually trying to get his ex back and I provided a shoulder for him to cry on), but enjoyed his company. Another person I am talking to, M, I am looking forward to meeting in the future.

I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. I have still lost weight - 11kgs in 12 weeks, but I am not making any effort in that area at the moment. My dance classes have finished for the year, I have already booked and paid for next years, they start at the end of January.

I passed my theory test for my bike license easily and have spent about 4 hours riding around the back streets of my area getting a feel for the bike. I am just about ready to take it home (I have been storing it at my ex's place). The first time I sat on it I stalled a number of times before I even got it oout of the driveway, this is because I did not know where the friction point on the clutch was, lol, and was letting the clutch out too fast. I am at the point now where it is not a problem. I love riding.

The kids and I celebrated Christmas yesterday because I do not have them for Christmas this year. We built lego all morning, ate lots of bad foods, had turkey and chocolate saucy pudding for lunch/dinner and veged all afternoon. It was a nice day. X is taking them up the coast to visit one of his brothers for Christmas, then I get them back on the 27th. I am working the 29th and 30th, and heading off, with the kids, to my best friends place on the 31st, for a week. It is the highlight of my holidays.

Going to take a break

from meeting people, from blogging, from the online world. I am feeling a little tired, and a bit vulnerable, and am worried about hurting guys unnecessarily, even when I have made it clear that I am only looking for friends at this stage in my life. So I shall just step away for a while.

I passed my bike training, I am a theory test away from being on the road. I am excited about this.

R hasn't spoken to me again, that is now a good thing. I have let everyone else that I was chatting to know that I won't be around for awhile.

I have some thinking to do.

tired, but happy with myself

Last night I did part one of my two part motorbike riders pre-learner course. Tonight I do part 2 and either epic fail, or pass, lol.

I haven't been so cranky with myself in a long time as I was last night, so it was a real swing of emotions for me. The three guys in my group all had some riding experience, albeit illegal, whereas little old me has had almost nothing. So I held the group up a fair bit at times, because I just plain struggled. The instructor was good, he just kept yelling at me, lol, but he was reinforcing what I needed to know and remember. It is a bit like dancing for me, I understand what is supposed to happen and what I am supposed to be doing, but getting the message to my hands and feet is another story, lol.

One of the biggest important factors is your posture - if you have bad 'bike' posture you will have bad riding, and I wasn't getting the positioning quite right until one of the people in a different group came off their bikes. Our instructor went over to help and debrief with her and came back to tell us that she fell because of bad posture - stiff arms, wrists high, not slouched. So after that I got my act together.

There is alot to learn and take in. I want this so bad tho. When I was getting cranky with myself I was swearing a bit and saying to myself 'I CAN do this, I am going to do this', man I have stubborn streak in me, lol. And I did get there. I took longer than the guys, but I did get there and so I am proud of myself. I have massive bruises on my legs tho, from the foot pedals. Comes from being a short ass, lol.

I am looking forward to getting on MY bike and getting to know it well. I would love to do a basic m/bike owners course, so I know how to look after it properly, be able to do a basic service on it, that kind of thing. I can look into it anyway.

Dating - R has gone all quiet on me since we discussed our meeting. He had asked me if I had had a nice time, I said 'yes, nice company, nice conversation', but that I was undecided about a second date (prefer to be honest, don't like giving false hope). He seemed ok with that. Perhaps we will chat later in the week.

moving on

Had a really good day emotionally today. Spoke to my best friend and bitched about D, lol, felt good.

hmmm

D got in touch with me briefly tonight. My physical reaction was that I initially felt sick in the stomach (this is normal when I am feeling strong emotions, I haven't been able to eat much for the last week for this very reason, today was the first good day where I felt hungry), then I began getting heart palpitations. Mentally I felt angry. Here is our conversation, albeit it was brief.

12/2/2008		11:21:01 PM		D		Amber		It's late and I don't want to get into it too much right now. But i withdrew because I realised my pipe dreams and promises weren't possible. I am embarrassed, depressed at the state of both my finances and in other areas my life. I don't know how to talk, I've never had anyone to talk to. So what I do is just withdraw into myself. It's safe. I am sorry.
12/2/2008		11:21:26 PM		Amber		D		well i thought together they were possible
12/2/2008		11:21:29 PM		D		Amber		I understand it will fill your mind with endless scenarios but I don't know what to do about it yet.
12/2/2008		11:21:37 PM		Amber		D		i care about you
12/2/2008		11:21:44 PM		Amber		D		that is what i felt was important
12/2/2008		11:22:02 PM		Amber		D		i was hurt that you couldn't talk to me about what was happening for you
12/2/2008		11:22:26 PM		D		Amber		It is important. I like knowing you care and I know you do.
12/2/2008		11:22:49 PM		D		Amber		But until I know I can, without stuffing around 3 kids and you ...... I can't do it.
12/2/2008		11:23:01 PM		D		Amber		I don't know what to do about it.
12/2/2008		11:23:04 PM		Amber		D		ah daz
12/2/2008		11:23:09 PM		Amber		D		you give me no credit
12/2/2008		11:23:13 PM		Amber		D		and the dreams were yours
12/2/2008		11:23:23 PM		Amber		D		but not ours
12/2/2008		11:23:36 PM		Amber		D		we could have talked about OUR dreams
12/2/2008		11:24:01 PM		Amber		D		yes to the house and the car and whatever, but we could have adapted them to suit US better
12/2/2008		11:24:23 PM		Amber		D		you had it set in your head that it HAD to be a particular way
12/2/2008		11:24:37 PM		D		Amber		I need to get to bed.
12/2/2008		11:25:03 PM		Amber		D		yes
12/2/2008		11:25:06 PM		Amber		D		say hi to nat
12/2/2008		11:25:13 PM		Amber		D		that hurt really bad
12/2/2008		11:25:21 PM		Amber		D		only saw it yesterday
12/2/2008		11:26:16 PM		Amber		D		or sunday night, it was in the last couple of days
12/2/2008		11:26:26 PM		Amber		D		made me question everything you had ever said to me
12/2/2008		11:26:30 PM		Amber		D		and i didn't like that
12/2/2008		11:26:39 PM		Amber		D		i had trusted you implicitly

Just to clarify - I went to look at his Myspace page, I think it was Sunday, and discovered that he had posted himself as being in a relationship with someone called Nat. I laughed initially (because it seemed completely left field and also something he would do if he wanted to hurt someone), but then started wondering if I hadn't just been used after all. It made me very very angry. And the conversation ended there because I think he went offline between 'only saw it yesterday' and 'or sunday night'.

So I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I am angry at how I have been treated.

Saw the doc today and had my mental health assessed. I am not a fruit loop, lol. But I am depressed, and a reactive depressed like I thought. Seeing the counsellor in two weeks, the doc in three. Doc wants to do blood tests as well to rule out any other stuff. Happy with todays outcome.

feeling pretty good

yes, I actually feel pretty good today. Had a couple of down moments, but they really were just moments and not all-consuming.

I found that I really enjoyed chatting to three guys last night. One of them works in charity, one is a building designer, and the other is a bricklayer at the moment, but has plans to go out on the oil rigs in the near future. They were all pleasant.

I found that while I was chatting to them I did not think of D at all, this surprised me when I realised it afterwards. I do miss him though, we got on so well and he was very funny. sigh.

Work is fine. I am not really interested in it at the moment, I am kind of going through the motions. I expect to get over this, especially after my holidays in Jan (two weeks, one with kids and one possibly without).

I have made the tentative decision to move up closer to my mum at the end of next year, something I never thought I would do, but after realising how easy it would be for me to give up my job here I figured that I could seriously consider it. I would like to be closer to my family, but not too close, lol. They would like me next door! But I would like to own my own place and I am thinking that maybe I could plan for that to happen and look at buying up there.

my list, I need new dreams, lol

Things I dream of doing...

Dance

Bike License

NZ trip

Caving

learn how to do strikethroughs

buy my own home

lose 5kgs

lose 10kgs YAY ME!!!!!

lose 20kgs

Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.

Skydive

Climb to the top of centrepoint tower

Ride on my motorbike

have sex make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)

be kissed by a man who I am not related to and the kisses were divine

be held by a man who I am not related to yeh, these hugs were nice too, sigh.

See what I mean, I need new dreams. Thoughts, anyone?

Not happy today

well, today, to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I am tired, my eyes hurt (and I haven't shed very many tears, so I don't know why they hurt) and I feel emotional and unpleasant.

I sent D a message last night asking him to explain to me what happened, since I really do have no idea. No reply as yet, and it wouldn't actually surprise me if I never get one.

Caught up online with a guy who I had been chatting to when I met D, so I sent him a hi saying I was back online if he wanted to talk some time. He was a nice bloke, but he was never going to be able to compete with D's charm, lol. I am not the type of girl to keep a man in reserve in case things don't work out, so I had said to him that I would be happy to be friends, he wasn't keen and so we haven't spoken much since.

There are some interesting people out there. I like hearing about other people's lives and interests and I think these sites are a good way to do that. I haven't figured out irc chat rooms, so I am staying away from them until my bro's can give me a lesson or two in how to use them.

I have decided to continue sticking to my 9pm-11pm time limit online, I feel like it is something I can controll. It will also mean I get to bed at a decent hour. I think I will also continue the 'rules' I had set for myself. I know I deserve to be treated well. I AM a NICE girl.

Had a good chat to my best friend last night. We have come such a long way together. She wanted to call D and abuse him, which I found very funny, but I appreciated the fact she cared about me enough to want to do that. Besides, I still like D, stupid, I know, but he really did tick all my boxes and so it is hard not to like him. Also talked to my mum and skimmed over the surface of what had happened with D. I had spoken to her previously about D's condition, and how I wasn't sure if I was up to it, so when I told her that D and I weren't dating anymore I let her think it was because I had decided I couldn't handle it. She is disappointed for me, but she commented on the positive change she had seen in me over the last few weeks and how much she had seen me grow in self-confidence. I know she will check in with me through the week to see how I am, and I will put on a happy face. I do feel fine most of the time, I see it as me battening down the hatches.

Music is a great help. I have been having my car stereo blasting, my window down, and I scream the lyrics of songs I know. It is very cathartic, lol.

oh well

It appears that my lovely romance has ended. Not sure quite what happened, because as you may have already read the communication had dropped off almost completely. So I am a little confused, a bit hurt, and very disappointed. But you know what, I am not devastated, and I thought I would be.

D is an awesome guy. I still like him, I still have alot of respect for him, and I have a basic understanding of his condition. I am disappointed in his decision to not be up front with me, but I can live with it.

I learnt abit about myself through this experience, which I think is fantastic. Now I have a better understanding of who I am as a person, as an individual, and not as a mother, or a wife, or a friend.

I like me.

Not sure if I am going to fall apart over the next couple of days or weeks, I don't think so. I am looking forward to talking with a counsellor and continuing my self-exploration.

continued on from yesterday

I am feeling more positive today. I was online with D for a little while last night, he was feeling very down. I put myself out there and made him aware that I would stick around. He didn't have alot to say. That is ok, I am not taking it personally anymore, I get that it is how he is feeling in the moment, and really, it isn't too rational. When he comes out of it maybe we will sit down and discuss some achievable goals, as he had set himself some very hard ones.

One of the pieces of advice that my friend gave me was to do what D asked and back off on the contact until he is ready, but to send maybe one or two messages through the day just to keep in touch. So I sent him my usual 'good morning' when I woke at 6am, and tonight I will send him a text at some point. I have picked my phone up a few times to send a message, then put it away again without doing anything.

I wanted to celebrate successfully losing 10kgs in 10 weeks with someone, so I texted my best friend and another friend instead. My loss will mean more to them than to D anyway. I am aiming to lose another 14kgs, I figure it will take me about 20 weeks, so mid-March thereabouts. The only pain in the bum about losing weight is that my clothes don't fit! Well, some of it is fitting much better, some is falling off. My work clothes are falling off, but some colleagues have given me a couple of pieces and also made some suggestions about how to fix what I have so I get a bit more wear out of them.

I am going out tonight with a group of girls who are all single parents. We are going to a Greek restaurant. Should be a blast. It is a catered party and is supposed to run from 7pm - 3am, but I plan to be home by midnight as I have to work tomorrow morning, and then I am driving up to see mum and my bro's in the afternoon. We are having a family meeting about Christmas, lol.

the learning curve continues

I spent some time reading about depression today. I appear to have something called reactive depression, which occurs when I have a major event in my life and I feel overwhelmed. D, on the other hand, appears to have a more severe type of depression which can actually be genetic. I am basing that judgement on the symptoms he has exhibited so far. In his case it is something that will recur periodically.

So tonight I had to think about whether I was willing to continue as his girlfriend, knowing that he has a form of depression that could be emotionally draining for me, and maybe for my kids.

It isn't an easy decision. This is a big thing. But, it is something that is treatable and can be managed. I had to look at whether I could be strong enough to support both myself and him when times got tough. I had to look at how I was going to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health during tough times. That is a good question for the psych. Better to be armed with knowledge than going in to it blind.

So then I looked at what I knew of D so far. I considered the many things we had spoken about. I thought about the connection I had felt with him, and how, so often when he spoke, it felt like I was the one speaking because our thoughts were so similar. I thought about how good it felt when he touched me, and how much he loved my touch. I thought about so much. And through it all I was asking myself, 'will this be enough?' Is there enough of a connection, enough similarities, to get us through tough times?

I think there is. I am being tested emotionally at the moment. I am very glad that I am seeking help now. It is the right time for me to do this. I can face my own issues, and hopefully come through stronger than ever. That is not to say that I won't have days where I struggle, but hopefully it will be easier to get through it.

People are flawed. God did not make us into perfect beings. He made us so we could complement each other. He made us so that we would recognise our imperfections and be humbled by them. I am flawed. D is flawed.

Today I have begun learning about how to handle D, although I hope it isn't too late. I have an online friend who is a grief counsellor, she has had some experience with severe depression. She gave me some good advice and an ear to bend, which is what I needed most. It was good to talk to someone about what was happening with D. I feel more positive about the situation. I always feel better when I have some knowledge of what is happening, rather than feeling like I am walking blind.

I don't expect this to be an easy path. I don't expect it to be all pretty flowers and sunshine. Life is not like that.

so what now?

I heard from D this morning. Basically he is feeling the same as I am, severely depressed, lol. Ok, so that isn't funny, but it is funny that both of us are feeling so shitty at the same time. Well, I can see the amusing side of it anyway. He said to me that he cares for me and that once he is, shall I say 'recovered', we will try again. ok. Doesn't help my depression, but at least I know we aren't completely over. So I shall continue to text him and if he is online, I will say 'hi'. That is all I can do for now, I suppose.

hmmm

I just did a search and discovered that everything I have ever posted under my username is on the web to be seen. Including this blog. Not very good at being discreet, am I, lol. Well, I have nothing on here that I would want to hide anyway, if someone was looking. And if they read something they didn't like I would hope they would discuss it with me. Unless it is X, and then he deserves every bit of angry blog posting I ever wrote.

oh, and...

I suck at not texting my boyfriend, lol. But he isn't texting me and that is adding to my pain. I wonder if it is over?

and yet....

while I face my pain I can stop and celebrate my toddler doing his first number 2 on the toilet - he asked to be taken. This is a BIG moment!

I guess at some point it was going to catch me

I have prided myself on my strength in the face of things that would bring any other person to their knees.

But now...

The depression that I have kept at bay for about 7 years has finally caught back up with me again. Only once before has it affected me badly, when I lost a baby. I got pregnant when No.2 was just four months old and I carried that baby for 5 months before we discovered it had died. I had to go into hospital and give birth because my body wasn't rejecting the fetus, so I didn't have a late term miscarriage. X was there, but not there. In the room, but not by my side. This loss was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage the first time around, well, not the loss exactly, but the lack of support from X, the inability for either of us to communicate to each other how we were feeling.

I descended in to a black hole for about 3 months. I was not good to be around, I was angry, and suffering and I took it out on everyone around me, but only inside the home. Outside the home I was what everyone expected to see. I had my mask and I wore it. I never saw a counsellor, never saw a Dr, I used to look at trucks and think about turning the wheel just enough to...well, it doesn't need to be said. I pulled myself out of it, just one day I woke up and said 'that is enough'.

This time it is harder. This time I am dealing with the failure of my marriage, a move, juggling fulltime work and raising a family, trying to develop a relationship with someone who lives two hours away. I am hurting inside, so much that I am struggling to hide it.

I had an appointment to see a Dr today, for contraception, but while I was driving there I was sobbing and trying to hold myself together. I decided to speak up, to say that I needed help. I was heard. I am having an assessment done next Tuesday and will be referred to a psychologist if needed. I think I need it. I am feeling like I want to pack in my relationship, my job, my life. I am feeling like I want to lie in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I am feeling like I just want to cry all the time. I am holding myself together for now, when I feel the blackness creeping up I take deep breaths and try to calm down just enough to keep going.

I don't want to feel like this.

Lured by the unpacking

I ended up being lured back in to the unpacking last night by the thought that the more I got done yesterday, the less I would have to do today. I got a fair few of the boxes in the boys room emptied. I also began sorting through my sewing supplies, and subsequently realised that it is this stuff, and not the boxes of books, that is the main culprit as far as hoarding and taking up too much space goes.

So today I have sorted through my six large containers of fabric, and a number of small boxes of general supplies and will be sending quite alot in the direction of the bin and the op shop. I am aware that I haven't been making alot of time for sewing in the past, and now that I don't have the boys all the time I think maybe I should get back into it again. I have two quilts I would like to complete, one is a basic block one that will go over the back of the lounge, and another is a bargello one that is intended for my bed. Neither of these will take long to complete once I get started, it is the getting started bit I need to tackle, lol. Plus I need to set my sewing machine back up. hmmm, I can feel myself beginning to procrastinate, lol.

I also spent a large chunk of my day sorting out my photo albums. Yes, I own those archaic items of the 90's, lol. I have alot of pics of myself and my first two boys in albums (all these pics seem to be pre 2005), but very badly mixed up in terms of timeline, so I began sorting them out. It was interesting to note that I have almost no photos of my toddler in hard copy, something I think I will remedy in the near future along with a general update of the boys photos too. The best part of this project has been looking back at what we did in our lives and remembering what I have acheived as I went along.

These boys have been such a major part of my life through all the upheavals and decision-making that has gone on, and they have weathered it and come out beautiful so far. I look at Scott's baby photos, and of him now as an almost teen and just am awed by his growth, both physically and mentally. He is such a great kid, and so different from his brother Will. Will hasn't changed so much, he is still just a young boy, something that I occasionally forget because he can be so damn smart sometimes, and have the most interesting things to talk about. He and I were discussing Lambourghini's versus a Koenigsegg's the other day, mostly focussing on speed. Even after I showed him a pic of a Koenigsegg I couldn't convince him to choose that over the Lambourghini, lol. He got his info from Need for Speed, lol, I guess games teach them something! Will is very interested in spy games and has a remarkable imagination. He reminds me of me at the same age, but in a boy version. I had/have an overactive imagination, but my attention was on wizards and dragons, fairies, and prince charmings, whereas his is on spies and killing and dragons and adventure. Such a typical boy, lol. I look forward to watching him grow up.

I think I did the right thing

Well, I think I did the right thing by stepping back. I hadn't heard from him since yesterday morning, so by tonight I was imagining the worst, lol, then trying to convince myself, based on our last interaction, that I was wrong.

We finally talked tonight and it turns out that his whole week has been absolutely crappy, that he has been feeling really down about his money situation, and feeling like our secure financial future together is a pipe dream. So he hasn't wanted to talk to anyone. He told me how much he appreciated me not sending numerous texts, as he put it 'it would have sent me insane'. PHEW!

Pat on the back for me, lol. It has been sooo hard not to text him, but I did it, and now have the satisfaction of knowing it was the right thing to do, especially at this point in time. So I shall continue.

Something else I need to do is remind myself that he also had a life before I came along, some of which is very important to him. Sometimes I can act very immature, and selfish. He was supposed to go to a car meet this weekend, and when he told me about it last week, I got a little sooky. He said he wouldn't go, but then the money issue happened, so he wasn't coming to see me either (and that I did sook at, badly, and now I am ashamed of my behaviour).

But my backing off gave me a chance to reflect and think. The car meet was clearly important to him, it was something he had organised, it involved alot of people he had known for a long time, and he was now missing out on it.

So when I heard from him today I sent him a message saying that I hoped his weekend had improved and I hoped he had found a way to go to the meet. He had, he is getting a lift up, instead of taking his own car. I then said that I was really pleased to hear he was going, and that he deserved it after his crap week, in reply he sent me a smiley and told me he should be back to normal in the next day or so. I am genuinely glad that he is going. I am glad that we are having a long distance relationship as it is stopping us from consuming each other's lives

So I will continue to repeat to myself 'I am a gorgeous, successful woman, with a great job and lovely kids'. I will walk tall and be proud of who I am. For so long I have let myself be satisfied with settling for something, usually second best. I am changing, developing, refinding myself.

My dance classes are part of my development process. I did ballroom dancing as a child and loved it and have always wanted to go back to it. Well, now I have, and while I am not very good, I do try and I love the feeling I get when I finally 'get' the steps I am suppsed to be doing (mind you, I thin I will be signing up for the beginners course again, sooo not ready for intermediate, lol). Also, getting my bike license is part of my change. It is another thing I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember, and in a couple of weeks I will be going to do my pre-learners course. yay!

Did a stack of unpacking today and rearranged my bedroom. The place is really coming together now. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed shortly. My tiredness is not helped by toddler coming in at 6am to wake me, precious child. We were at the park by 7am, lol, just for an hour. I hung upsidedown on the monkey bars for the first time in years, lol, been awhile since I could lift my body weight enough to do that!

Oh, I have lost 9kgs in as many weeks. So my loss has slowed to a healthy range and I am feeling very good about myself and my progress. I have decided to aim to lose another 15kgs max. Mind you, I will reassess my body with each 5kgs lost. I would like to remain curvy. I have dropped a full dress size now, it is so nice to fit into so much of my clothing, lol. Had to buy new jeans though, because the ones I had kept falling off, literally! And my work clothes! They are so expensive that I have asked mum to take my 7 week old pants in for me in the not too distant future cos I can't afford to buy new ones! I can nearly pull them off without undoing them, and when I bought them they were a firm fit! lol. One of my colleagues is going to bring in some of her work uniform pieces that she no longer fits in to, I am hoping they will tide me over.

I think I am looking great right now

Following on from yesterday

So to update you further...
D hasn't really been in touch much the last couple of days, that is ok, and is part of what prompted me to step back. Well, yesterday I had sent him just one text, it said
'Thanks to you I now have some awesome new music on my mp3'

That is it, that is all I sent all day. This was actually really hard for me, lol. Other than that, I ignored my phone. When I was online last night, he came on at some stage, but as 'away' (when you are online but away you can still be contacted, but the person may not reply within a few minutes), well, I ignored it, kept doing what I was doing and logged off myself at 11pm.

At 12am (this is normal and ok with me, I am usually awake) he sent me a text saying
'I'm sorry for not messaging you much lately, these shifts have been really terrible. Can't wait for them to be over'.

I sent my reply a few hours later(I woke up in the middle of the night and checked the time on my phone, saw he had left a message), I replied
'I am sorry these last few days/nights have been tough for you'

That is it. I wanted to write more and I mused over what to write for a while, writing something, then deleting it, and finally deciding to leave it as simple and nonchalant as possible.

At 6.30am he wrote
'Hope you have a good day babe'

I waited ten minutes (I couldn't hold out much longer, lol) and wrote
'Thanks hun. You too'

Then I couldn't resist and an hour later sent him a photo of me ready for work sitting in the car, lol. I titled it 'hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go'.

I did not expect a reply for that one, and haven't heard from him so far today. I have made plans with the kids for the weekend, and plans for next Friday with one of my friends (we are going out drinking, lol). I am working next Saturday. He may visit me next weekend, I will wait and see.

I am reclaimng my life again, lol. I feel good about this.

so it is time to step back and review

It has been about 5 weeks since D and I met. Things have progressed nicely. I feel that I have made it a little too easy for him though, and so I have decided to take a step back. I will do this by

• Letting him get in touch with me
• Not carrying my phone around with me everywhere in case he texts me
• When we talk on the phone I won't spend an hour talking to him, half an hour max is fine
• I won't skip my dance class again if he visits on a Thursday, missing one lesson has thrown me completely!
• I will make my kids the priority, if I have them on the weekend.
  
• I won't get on msn till after 9pm on weeknights, and I will be off by 11pm.
  

You may wonder what the point of this is, but really, before he came along I was a newly single woman enjoying my life, then I landed in a very head spinning interaction with a wonderful man. The head spins have slowed and I am ready to move on, not in the sense of breaking up, but in the sense of reclaiming the life I was beginning to create before D, and one that can include him if he wants to be there.

So now I shall sit back and see what happens. If he doesn't come forward then I will know that he has made a decision of some sort that sees him deciding that maybe what we have isn't going to last the distance (literally and figuratively, lol). It is ok. It will hurt, but I will be ok, and I will have learnt a good lesson.

so cool!

Don't see much of X these days, just at drop off and pick up. He is being pleasant. He actually asked me when he could meet D, I told him this weekend, but things have changed and it will be another day.

I wrote and sent an email to myself from work yesterday, but it didn't turn up, lol. Basically I was chucking a little wobbly because D had texted to say he didn't have the money to come down this coming weekend, and I was a little pissed about it. So I gave him a bit of the silent treatment for a couple of hours (I was at work after all), then talked to him later about how disappointed I was. He struggles to manage his money, made worse by the fact that his pays change depending on his roster, so did not leave himself enough this fortnight to cover all his expenses, plus a couple of extras that popped up unexpectedly. But we discussed it.

He expressed to me again how important I am to him, how he wants to make sure that if we have any issues that we discuss and resolve them, that he sees a future for us if we work at making the distance as small a problem as possible. We decided that we would just do our own thing this weekend - him with his mates whom he has hardly seen since we started spending time together, and me sorting out my house, which I have been ignoring since we started seeing each other. It was a good conversation, especially since I was feeling rather emotional.

Drove up to mum's on Friday night, spent the night there on her lounge. Heard from D in the morning and decided to head over there around 10am. Met his son. E is 7 yrs old and is alot like my No.2, so I found it fairly easy to chat to him. I watched him play the computer for a while, then he and I had a game on the PS3. Later we all went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping, then back to D's place to watch a movie and hang out. It was nice, I was pretty relaxed this time and just went with the flow. D ended up asking me to stay over again, so we went to my mums and picked up my stuff (because I hadn't assumed I would be staying, simply because E was there). D and I had a...um..nice night, lol, got to sleep around 12.30am. I was awake by 8am, but just lay there enjoying being beside him.

E came in at 9am, so we all got up then. E went over to a cousins place after breakfast, so D and I watched a movie and...um...had a nice morning LOL. I left at 1.45pm so I could get back to mum's for a quick visit before heading home. She is cool with me just popping in and out, but she did say that I looked a little sad today.

I am not loving saying goodbye to D. I am not loving the distance. I find that some days I really struggle with him being so far away, that fears raise their ugly heads and insecurities poke me in the back. I believe him when he says how much he cares for me, and I don't doubt how much I care for him, but it is still a struggle.

We have discussed the possibility of having more children, and neither of us are really keen on the idea. I used to be clucky, but it has passed and I reconciled myself to no more kids before I met D. He brought the subject up, he has a fertility issue and never expected to have the son he has, he wanted to tell me about it. I really did not mind. I love working, I love my kids, his son is another son for me if we get that far, so, you know, it is fine. I remember how badly I wanted another child with X, but it didn't happen and now I am so glad. Mind you, I still love having a snuggle with babies, but it really is lovely to be able to give them back. I am still looking forward to having grandkids one day.

My mum is very big on Feng Shui at the moment. It gives us something to talk about, lol.

I feel sick. And I have put on a kilo in the last week. I have been feeling really hungry, so have been eating more than usual, and not necessarily good stuff. I need to stop or I will undo all my good work.

learning curve

So, well, it has been a few days ssince X found out that I was dating someone. He questioned me about how long I had been seeing him for, how soon after he and I had split, etc. He got cranky about me having the boys next weekend to go and meet D's son, since he feels that the only quality time he gets with them is on the weekend (hahahahaha, his idea of quality time hasn't changed, as long as they are in the same house together it is quality time to X). So I backed off on that one, since the boys can always meet D's son another time. I actually prefer the first meeting to be just me, looks like we might go bowling after we have a picnic.

Anyway, X has settled down a bit. Big news for him though, he was offered a posting on a ship for a year and he took it, this was before he found out about D (the same day). He was annoyed about it after he found out about D and how far away D lives, because he got all worried that I was going to move. I told him that I was considering moving in 12 months time, and that it was early days between me and D anyway. That seemed to appease him for the moment. He has since said that we need to discuss it further.

Met D's parents and his brother on Saturday. They all seem nice, fairly basic people. His mum chatted to me about her different activities and interests and his bro and I had a good laugh over a few things. His dad didn't say much at all. I took a slice that I had baked with me and that seemed to make a good impression, so much so that I was allowed to stay the night, lol. D and I were watching tv on his bed when he said 'I think I might ask mum if you can stay the night', lol, so cute. So he did, and I was allowed.

The afternoon with D wasn't quite what I had expected. I had gone thinking I would get lots of kisses and cuddles and maybe a bit of mucking around, but we just hung out on the bed watching tv. I talked to D about it later and he said that on his last day off work he really likes to just veg out, and that kisses and cuddles are nice, but not what he was in the mood for. Is all good, I am certainly still learning about him. It was nice to sleep beside him in his bed though, to hold and be held as we rested. Bloody cat fell in love with me though and after we kicked him out he kept banging on the door, lol. We got up at 4.30am so he could get ready for work, then left together, me to go to mums for a few hours, and D to work. I met up with him at his work for lunch, then headed home.

On the way home I spent some time thinking about how I had expectations. I really need to get rid of my habit of having expectations. It has been damaging in the past, and it could be damaging now if I don't stop it.

I realised that we have started moving past the initial infatuation stage, that we have established the fact we like each other to the point of being able to say 'love', that we both want to work on the long term aspect. So now it is time to be a friend. I googled 'spouse as a friend' because I am not familiar with being friends with a man. The results were what I expected though - treat the person as you would want to be treated, communicate, be honest, be there if you can, acceptance of the person as a whole package, etc, etc. So this is where I am at now. It is not going to be easy, but the best things in life are usually rewards for hard work, so there you go.

I don't think I will see D till Saturday, he has bills to pay and is working till Thursday, so it seems a bit pointless him coming down. I have left it up to him.

the proverbial hit the fan

Heading to bed soon, but just wanted to jump on and post a brief outline of the goings on of this week.

D stayed over Wednesday night. None of your business how absolutely awesome that was, ok?!

No.2 mentioned something to X....the proverbial hit the fan. Picked up the kids and was insulted for the next ten minutes, because X freaked out at me having a strange man in the house. Stopped when I told him that the boys had met him before hand, on a separate occasion. There is more, but I am tired and my head is not working very well. Had a crap day today and just want to go to bed. X did email and apologise for his rudeness, will write more on Sunday.

Going to meet the parents tomorrow. Very nervous.

Sometimes you are faced with too much honesty

Still tired after staying up till 1am talking to D online. So easy for time to pass when we are chatting.

Our discussion was....difficult. D wanted to talk to me about his history with women. This came up because we were talking about trust, seeing as we are working on creating a long distance relationship that is going to last. D started to spill on what had happened to him in the past, and what he had done himself. He is no innocent, not like me with my two partners, lol. But he has been used and abused and kicked while he was down, then gotten back up and taken it again. And he has done his fair share of hurting. But through it all he was saying that he had not felt good about it, that he had been hurting and saw this as a way of getting his own back.

Ultimately he said that he has dealt with his past. That in me he believes he has found his soul mate. That he does not question my honesty in any way, even though others might because of my living situation when D and I met. He spilled his guts to the ground in what he told me, he wanted to tell me so much more than I wanted to hear and I had to make him stop. I could not hear it all. I have my own insecurities to deal with and his desire to share was making me uncomfortable, I told him this and he settled down. I appreciate his eagerness to be completely honest, even if it made me uncomfortable.

I have to say that having a primarily online relationship is not a bad thing when it comes to being honest. You can type what you want to say and edit it if needed, you can think about your reply without having the other person scrutinising your body language. You can read something and react to it, but the other person does not see your reaction, and so you are faced with the decision of how you are going to handle the information.

In my case, when it got too much, I said Stop, and he did. If D and I had been having this conversation in person I think he would have held back alot more because he would have seen my discomfort. Now I have had the chance to process what he has told me, I have chewed it over, so to speak. I can look at it and say, 'well, does this change how I think of him? Can I live with this information, will it affect me? How do I plan to handle my own emotions during times when we fight, will I bring this up and use it against him?' What I would like is to forget what he told me. Too late now, lol.

But I can take the point of view that his past choices are exactly that, in the past, and that what is ahead of us is something more than what is behind.

tired

yeh, just a bit wiped out. Was up till about 1.30am, fiddling with the computer, downloading music and then listening to it. I am loving Lifehouse right now. It really gets to me.

Music speaks to my soul. Some songs just strike a chord, lol and I find myself listening to them over and over until I know all the words. I imagine different scenarios to go with music sometimes.

For example, if I can ever be convinced to walk down the aisle again, it will be to Pachabel's Canon. I didn't have music at all at my wedding. My first dance with my new husband will be to Lifehouse's 'Everything' (providing the lucky man is capable of dancing, lol, the last one wasn't, so I have never danced a first dance). Another example is the music I would have played at my funeral. At least one song would by Linkin Park's 'What I've Done', another would be 'She's Every Woman' by Garth Brooks. Might have to throw in something form the Priscilla Queen of the Desert soundtrack just for fun. Or maybe Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, LOL.

I think about stuff like this when I am driving. I retreat in to myself and my imagination runs away with me.

On a completely different note...
why is it so goddamn hard for people to use their blinkers? I was driving behind a woman today who kept bouncing on and off her brakes, and had no idea where the blinker was. Grrrrrr

My eldest son is getting detentions at the moment, for not completing work, not participating, being disruptive, that sort of thing. Is this the change? Is he becoming 'evil teen'? Or is he more affected by the move than I expected? He has a tendency to blame his mates for any disruptiveness that he gets blamed for, and so I give him the talk about taking responsibility for your own behaviour, blah blah blah. That's about how much notice he seems to take too. sigh...

I am cooking dinner while I blog. I miss my gas stove. I am using an electric stove again, the back right element doesn't work at all, and the back left only works on high. I tend to use back elements because of the kids, safety first and all that, lol, so it is annoying me that I can't really use these elements at the moment. Ah well.

One giant leap

Is what I want to take. I am falling for this man. After three weeks of talking and talking I am yet to find something that I don't like, or that makes me say 'woah, hang on, that's not ok'. Even in person we still click, it is magic.

Do I dare?

I know how he feels. He is, lol, smitten, head over heels, swept away. I am attracted to his mind and his body, I feel the flame that burns when we are together. I want him badly, on so many levels. I am overwhelmed at times by what I have begun to feel.

But do I dare?

Do I dare to give my heart away, when I actually think he has already stolen it. Do I let it go without a fight and embrace the magic that I can feel between us.

Do I dare?

There is the fear that this will burn out. But we get each other. So many times it is like my own head is speaking when he talks to me. I can see that we have the potential to make an awesome team.

But do I dare?

My commitment? Would be to move to him, to his home town, in the future. I have family there, it would not be a bad thing. I have concerns for X, his possible reaction, his resulting difficulty in getting to see the kids. These are things I battle with in my head. Do I do what I want?

Do I dare?

When I am tired and cranky I need to be absent from the computer. The online environment is difficult to negotiate when there is no body language or voice to work with. It is far too easy for misunderstandings to occur. I am playing with what I call 'my baby computer'. I bought myself an Eee PC. It is very cute. Only negative is that I keep bumping the caps lock button when using the shift key, but I will get used to it. I am completely over flat pack furniture. This is furniture that comes in a box that you build yourself. I bought a houseful of it and have spent the last week building the damn stuff. The last thing left is a dvd rack, then no more I tell you! No more!!! But it is lovely to have new stuff, especially since I have bought second hand all my life. My last big splurge was a new 32" LCD tv. It fits in my entertainment unit beautifully and the picture looks good. Now I am done with buying for my house and can finish unpacking and settling in. It is coming together slowly, mostly because I have to fit it in around working and kids. X has the kids for a few hours tomorrow so I should be able to get some uninterrupted major unpacking done. Big GRRRR. I got an Nokia N95 recently, and, while out on a family date on Thursday with D, it got stolen (my stupidity, I left it in the car, head was in another place completely). So while I had a wonderful date, when I got back to my car I saw that it was unlocked and that my glovebox and centre console had been gone through. The only thing missing was the phone, because that was the only thing of any value in the vehicle. The loss got me very upset, but my date calmed me down and reminded me that if I had insurance there was no problem. Well, thank god I actually did opt for insurance on this phone. Never have before, but decided this phone was worth the extra expense. Phew. So I spent yesterday on the phone with police, filing a report, and my mobile insurance dept. The matter isn't completely resolved yet, but will be shortly and I will receive a new phone in the next week or so. An added expense is that the thief stuffed the lock on my car, so I now have an appointment to get the lock replaced next week. Lucky I have money saved, but it is going to disappear fast if crap like this keeps happening. Well, as I mentioned, D and I had a family date recently. He made a good impression on the kids (they both wanted to know when he was going to visit again), and he seemed to like them too. I am looking forward to seeing him again, and hope to meet his son in a couple of weeks. We had a great night talking and kissing, lol. Haven't had time to read this week, I will start getting withdrawals soon, lol. It is the first time in a looooong time where I have gone a week without picking up a book.

Sunday

Everything about the date was perfect.

Is Love at First Sight really real?

I wouldn't have believed it till today.

Yes, I already knew what he looked like, but to be in his prescence, to feel him close, that is the key to knowing if the spark is there.

The spark was a flame.

I love hugs

Just got off the phone with D. It was a good conversation and ran for over an hour. I like him. I really do. Scares the crap out of me. He was initially concerned about ringing me because he didn't know if X was here, but I reassured him (X is on duty on the ship). We then discussed the subject - if things go well with us on Sunday and over the next couple of weeks, do I plan to tell X. I told D it wasn't his issue and he got a bit annoyed with me, he pointed out that if I tell X and X gets all nasty, then it affects me, if it affects me that makes it his issue. Well, fair enough then.

lol

I have had the pleasure of my step father-in-laws company for the last few days. He reminded me what a wrap around hug felt like. God I have missed being hugged like that. X always used to pat my back, very irritating. I had a friend at a church I used to attend, she gave great hugs too. I love wrap around hugs. Anyway, I told SFIL about D, and he gave his approval. I am so glad. Basically he said if I am happy, then so is he, because he knows I wasn't happy with X and he can't understand how we stayed together as long as we did. I love him for that. I asked him how he thought MIL would react, and he said that she would be the same as him.

Bizarre that I felt comfortable telling my now x-MIL that I have met someone who I like very much. lol.

She was ok about it. So now the only one out of the loop is X. hmmm. I don't feel so good about that. Well, I will see how things go with D. D actually reminds me alot of my SFIL, and I said that to SFIL, this was after I had raved a bit about how much I liked D, lol. So SFIL was flattered that I would think a man like him would be what I was looking for. If I had been 20 years older I would have loved to have SFIL as my partner. But I am not, and so instead he is a mate, and I love him for that (and his hugs). He is obviously in love with my x-MIL, I love the way he talks about her, and she loves him just as much.

I would be grateful for even half of the feelings that they have for each other.

Had a crap afternoon at work today. A woman came in and presented the person at the circulation desk with two books that her children had thrown into a swimming pool, she had rescued them and dried them out and now wanted us to accept them back. The circ desk person couldn't handle it, so sent the lady to me at the info desk (lucky me).

So then I had a long, loud (her anyway) disagreement with her about how it is her responsibility to pay to replace these brand new books (it was the first time they had been borrowed) because they were no longer suitable for our collection. She didn't like that and stomped off to the children's area to find one tatty book that was thirteen years old to prove a point - that we keep substandard books on our shelves. I rang my boss to get her view on the situation, she suggested I point out to the lady that the example she was using was very old, and would be shortly destined for the scrap heap anyway, whereas the books that she had borrowed were brand new. The lady's argument was that accidents happen and why should she have to replace the books. I gave her my bosses name and number and the lady left the books with me, huffing and puffing about how she was going to call my boss and get it sorted. Well, I showed my boss the books and she agreed with me.

Let the lady call.

But it made me tense. And so my dance class wasn't a great one, because it took me longer to get into the swing of it, to relax enough to get a grip on the moves. I got it in the end, but was disappointed with myself. I will be putting in the practice over the next week.

I am moving Monday. It got confirmed yesterday. The removalists will come and pack up my stuff, pack it into the truck, and take it to the flat, and, if I want, they will unpack it again. I will probably want to get rid of them by then. I guess I will be sleeping over there Monday. X has taken the day off work too, he was quick to say that it wasn't because he thought I would take anything (what is there I could possibly want, that I haven't told him about?). It will be a help though, as I have white goods arriving at the other place on Monday, and was worried about how that was all going to coordinate, now it is not an issue.

Romance is in the air

My friendship with the man I shall call D has continued to develop nicely and we are both looking forward to our meeting on Sunday. Both D and I are discovering that we have alot in common, particularly in the way we think and act in some situations. I have frequently found myself saying to him 'get out of my head!' because he has said something that is exactly what I would say! Or he says he has been thinking about something and, oh my goodness, so have I! We are enjoying each other very much.

Both of us have spoken to our respective children about the possibility that mum (or dad in his case) might find a nice person who will be spending time with them, and they have all given the ok (relief). Tween's ok was conditional - the man must be good to me and them. None of them were bothered with the idea of other children (note that I said 'idea', lol).

What is particularly mind-blowing for me is that he fits my profile of an ideal partner exactly. We share the same principles, the same basic values, so many areas where we agree, or are so similar we may as well say we agree. He even likes cats! D has a fantastic relationship with his son, who I got to speak to and he is a nice boy. D really seems to be everything I ever wanted in a man, everything that X was not.

Do I dare hope that my Prince Charming has arrived? I have been holding myself back, not daring to think that, until we have met at least. I am aware that he feels much the same way. I had a moment recently when I was scared of the possibility that he may be Mr Right. My head rules most of the time and it has been saying 'don't believe it, it is a dream, it isn't real...' but my heart is singing another tune completely. I prayed long and loud to God, questioning my logic, and my desire, ending with 'It is your will God, I will dare to believe', and I felt such relief. I have allowed myself to dream of possibilities and now I feel like anything could happen.

And I could say that I wish D and I had met 10 years ago, but we were both different people then. Our lives have brought us to this point, and we both seem to be ready to see where it takes us.

Anyway, enough of my silly teenage like behaviour (which is such fun, quite honestly).

I have bought everything I need for my flat now and am officially broke, lol. Well, for the moment.

Heard from the removalists today that my move has been approved, now I just need to confirm the date. I am hoping I can do it next Monday.

I participated in a fun run on Sunday. I walked most of the way, but did run some and found that I handled the 4km walk/run really well. I did it in 45mins. I am enjoying my new found energy and inner healthfulness. I have lost just over 5kgs in 4 weeks, YAY, well on the way to my goal of 10kgs before xmas. I had someone say to me today that I looked like I had lost weight, it is so nice to say 'YES!'. I hope mum says something nice to me when I see her on Friday, as she knows my progress.

I am getting my motorbike license in 6 weeks! D thinks that him dating a bikie chick is very funny. He should talk, he is a rev head! You should have heard him getting excited about some wheels he is getting for his car, lol, such a boy.

X bought a two door hatch to drive round in. Such a sensible choice for a father of three growing boys.

My best friend is having a family crisis at the moment, with her father-in-law in hospital in a serious condition. I am praying for his recovery, but it is expected that if he does recover he is going to need a great deal of care. It is terribly sad for them all, and all I can offer is my support.

Attended my first dance class last Thursday, and had a ball tripping over my own feet learning the Rumba. I love it!!!! Sooo sexy.

Today I saw a professor of neurology for an issue I have with my hands. He has run some tests and the diagnosis today was that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. At this stage it is only mild, but I have to be conscious of it and be sure to change activities and stretch out my wrists and hands to avoid it getting worse. If it does become painful (at this stage it is just distracting) then I will need surgery, which is minor day surgery, and that should resolve the problem. I was a little upset about it. When I look back I realise that the discomfort began not long after Toddler was born, when I would carry him for long periods, supported by my hip and my right hand, which is the one most affected. I remember the aching that I used to get, and how I used to have to hold him with the arm rather than the hand, and I just put it down to strained muscle. Perhaps I did more damage then than I realised.

I would still love another child. I don't think I will walk down the aisle again. I will never have my weight in the three digits again, ever, no way, not at all. I will never ever consider the possibility of X and I getting back together, no way, not ever. Ew

Lol

Things I dream of doing...
Dance
Bike License
NZ trip
Caving
learn how to do strikethroughs
buy my own home
lose 5kgs
lose 10kgs
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight
Skydive
Climb to the top of centrepoint tower
Ride to D's place on my motorbike
have sex make love (please God, it has been soooo long)
be kissed by a man who I am not related to
be held by a man who I am not related to

I am sure there will be more to add to this list as time goes by.

This is fun

who knew chatting online would be so much fun! I am wasting lots of time in this activity

I have exchanged photos with one of the guys I was chatting to, and we are both happy with what we see. I can see us meeting up in the not too distant future, just because I like what I am hearing/reading,and he seems to be of the same mind. He lives a couple of hours away, not far from my mum, so I might combine a visit if he is up for it. *ETA* just had another chat with him and we have a coffee date ladies and gentlemen! Sunday 26th October.

What I have learnt so far..
- he loves his parents (and is living with them to save for a house), even though he finds them a bit clueless about the 21st century sometimes
- he has a job he enjoys
- he has a son he loves
- he gets on well with his family (younger bro, and a sister)
- he reads (yes, I find this amazing)
- he has been single for 3 years, minimal dating (and that dating has been with younger women, who he has come to realise aren't looking for the same thing he is)
- he doesn't watch sport (I am dancing)
- he doesn't watch much tv (still dancing)
- he likes Fords (this is actually important, lol)
- he values honesty and communication (and this is important for most people)
- his parents are old-fashioned regarding manners and he respects that
- he is cuddly
- he has amazing blue eyes (I just sat there saying 'wow' when I saw his pic)
- he doesn't like horror movies
- he enjoys music similar to my own tastes

Look, I know this is a strange way to get to know someone, but it is a way that suits my lifestyle. The negative about it is that you aren't talking person to person, so you don't get the body language or the facial expressions. But this is how it is.

So I have a date, albeit a coffee date, in a week and a half.

yay me

hellooo

I have been absent! For no good reason either, other than just not getting on here.

Well, X got home with the kids on Saturday night and the noise level escalated. I didn't mind though, it was nice to have my family around again.

Negative - arggh - Toddler's sleeping pattern was completely stuffed. While he was away he was having no day sleep, and was not in bed till 11pm. This is not a good thing for a small person and I was not impressed. Well, he is at day 3 of being home, he had a day sleep yesterday and was in bed asleep by 9pm. Much better! Oh, and X chopped off all Toddlers hair and I don't like it. I think his head shape does not suit a number 3 clip job. At least it will grow back.

I haven't yet physically moved. I had to wait for X to come back so that we could organise the removal and work out exactly what I was taking with me. It looks like I won't be out before the end of this month. Don't love it, but can bear it. I have made a couple of trips over to the flat to take stuff over, do an inspection and have a bit of a clean of the bathroom and toilet as they were left messy. I am still happy with the place and excited about moving in.

I went shopping at Ikea and bought a house full of furniture. That was fun! I've never done something like that before.

I mentioned in the past that I had been checking out RSVP. Well, I dived in and joined a couple of dating sites and have been chatting to a couple of nice blokes the last few days. One is my age and lives up the coast a bit, the other is a couple of years older and lives in my local area. No plans to meet just yet, I am enjoying the conversation and the whole getting to know you phase. It is fun. I need fun. It has been many many years since I have dated, I would like to do a bit of that. And if things don't go any further then at least I might have made a couple of friends.

Other news - I bought X's motorbike off him and hope to get my license in the new year.

Lonely, I am so lonely....

Okay, so I am over the whole not having my kids here thing. Come baaaack, mummy misses you!!! Well, in lots of ways I miss them, I can do without the housework any day, lol. I spoke to all of them tonight, even Toddler, who said 'hello mummy' about 8 times, lol, soooo cute.

I have news....

I got the flat! Nice and handy to everything, three bedrooms, in pretty good condition. Phew, so glad that saga is over, and quicker than I expected too. I am signing the lease tomorrow. I have a shopping trip planned with a friend on Friday, watch out IKEA, here i come!

I am still doing lots of walking. I walked for 1 hour on Sunday....Sunday! well, you know how I said, at the end of my last post, don't forget to put your clocks forward? I forgot! Yes, me! And I was working on Sunday at the godawful hour of 8am in the morning, so had to be up by 6.30am.Well, I was up by 6.30am, in the old time!!!! I just happened to put the news on and looked at the screen and said 'OMG, it's 7.30am'.

I got dressed in record time, power walked to the local shops to catch a bus and made it to work only 5 minutes late. Worked until 4pm, caught a bus part of the way home and walked the rest. I am clocking up the km's in a big way. I walked 2 hours on my very boring Monday (public holiday, no kids, no car, friends all busy), worked out on my Wii Fit (still fun) and stared into the fridge looking for inspiration, lol. I have been eating lots of vege stir fries and fresh squeezed juice, I don't think my body has had such good foods in a long long time.

I had grand plans to get up early on work days and do some yoga and stuff, but I just can't do it. I get up and feel how cool it still is, and how sleepy I still am, and climb back into bed for another ten minutes of shut eye. I love being in bed. It is so warm and snuggly. So I work out at the end of the day at the moment. I have no idea what will happen once the family has returned, I do know that I need to fit some exercise in there somewhere.

Choices

This is a regular theme for my mental contemplation. Whenever I have spare thinking time I tend to mull over the choices I have made, and the ones before me. For example, I am no longer analysing my marriage, since that is over and the choice is made, but I spent alot of time considering my choices before my hand was forced (I could have kept considering and being miserable for an indefinite period of time, since underneath my strong exterior I am ultimately a coward about making big decisions).

Today I made the choice to walk instead of catching a bus (ended up walking for 2 hrs, yay me), even though it was looking like rain, and at one stage did rain, but then I made the choice to keep walking anyway and enjoy being wet.

During my long walk I thought about living in the same house as X (ex-DH is just too much time to spend on writing his pseudonym). I was imagining what I would say if someone asked me how I can do it without wanting to rip his eyes out.

ummm, well, for starters I don't go around ripping people's eyes out when they p*** me off. And, well, he isn't that bad a bloke. I don't like him, he isn't the right bloke for me by a long shot, but he isn't a bad bloke. He doesn't hit girls, he is responsible with money...hang on, I take that back and will write more shortly... he can cook, he can do some housework, umm...ok. I say 'can' regarding the house stuff because he sees it as optional and chooses not to do it, or to do as little as possible. But he is kind of boring and not really interested in life outside of his teeny little box.

Speaking of boxes and money...he bought an enormous LCD tv. With a surround sound system that stands on poles around the room. The tv doesn't surprise me, since that is his number one passion, but speakers on poles? Idiot! Helloooo, we have a TODDLER! I said as much to him. I made some comment about him thinking like a single man, he thought I was having a go at him about spending so much, but I don't care, it is his money and he earnt it, but speakers on poles is just plain dumb, and I said that.

Idiot. He laughed it off and I just said that I was glad it wasn't my problem. Sucked in to him when Toddler breaks them because X isn't keeping an eye on him. Idiot.

Had a look at an apartment today. It is in a great spot and I have every part of my body that I possibly can crossed in hope. It is above my budget, but so is everything else around here, and I am keen to move. The agent was friendly and I made it clear that I could move in immediately and that I had the money for all the costs available.

Had my second weigh-in yesterday and I have lost 2.3kgs. (watch me dance, baby!!!!!!) I am pleased and am aiming to keep those scales going down. I went out and bought the Wii Fit today on my walking trip (and carried it home, it is heavier than you think, lol), I will go and set it up shortly and have a play. I am looking forward to my dance classes starting in two weeks. Oh, I finally heard back from the cricket team, too late ladies, my dance classes are on the same time, so there goes that idea for this season.

I am surprised by what a difference a couple of kilos can make in how I feel physically, but it is probably the good food I am eating too, instead of all the crap. I don't feel like I have more energy, because I am not sleeping too great, but my stamina is better and slopes and stairs aren't so breath-taking in the literal sense, lol.

Have a great long weekend and if you are in NSW don't forget to put your clock forward one hour tomorrow morning.

A moment to type

I haven't had the chance to write since ex-DH got home. He sits at the table behind me and uses his new laptop, and has a tendency to look over at what I am doing.

I am fine. I feel nothing for him, which came as some surprise. I thought I would feel a bit sad, but no, he is just a guy I share a house and kids with. His arrival home has been uneventful and Toddler has been fine with him, this is a relief. The older two are enjoying his presence, I think.

Ex-DH took the time to actually check out the housing situation, and now understands where I am coming from. There is 9 properties in 32 suburbs around this area that I can attempt to afford, they are priced between $420 and $450. I am going to look at an apartment on Saturday that is $430.

Work is fine, everything is generally ok. I don't like sleeping in No.2's bed, but I can handle it for the short term.

birthday? what birthday?

Well, my birthday was nothing much. The kids forgot. I got 'Happy Birthday' wishes from all my work colleagues. We shared a cheesecake (I had a small piece).

In my brilliance (and desire to have something resembling a birthday celebration) I had decided to go out for dinner with the 3 kids, to the Food Court upstairs at the shopping centre where the library is located. Yay. A food court is where many many people gather and gorge themselves on food that is really not good for them, unless they make careful choices. I had chinese. The kids had fish and chips. Toddler cried off and on from when I picked him up from kindy, he was in a foul mood. The older two were ok, but careless with some purchases I had made that came close to getting stuffed there and then. I felt a migraine coming on. Dinner was cut short after Toddler spilt half a bottle of apple juice in his lap. *sigh* Happy 31st Birthday. I went to bed as soon as I got Toddler to bed.

Other positives...
- one of my best friends, and my favourite babysitter, texted to wish me Happy Birthday
- my oldest younger brother remembered
- a friend who is pregnant took time out from her busy day and spent some time with me. She also gave me some delicious perfume, a low fat cup cake and sung me 'Happy Birthday'. Nice!

Next year I think I should stay home and hide under my blankets. Where ever home is/will be. I didn't get either of the apartments. I asked the agents and all they could say was that they hand the applications over to the owner and he/she decides from there. Not helpful at all.

Ex-DH has already organised to get a new Internet provider, as he informed me via email. I wrote back and basically said 'hang on, I am not out yet, wasn't that a bit quick off the mark?' He wrote back to say it won't be hooked up before the end of October and so what if there is a bit of overlap. Umm, if I am still here in 6 months then that is a big overlap! He just has no concept of the rental market in this city.

Had a chat to best friend tonight and she suggested I get my resume out to country libraries now just so my name is out there. I am a little shy of doing this just yet. I do understand where she is coming from, but for me it feels like if I do that I have already decided I am leaving. I told her I wanted to give it six months, and then if I wasn't having any success finding a place (or ex-DH has pushed for me to go) then I will consider leaving. Maybe I should just give it till after Christmas. Anyway, I have started watching the job boards again. Dammit, I don't want to leave. What if we get the toy library grant, what if the new person doesn't want anything to do with it? argh.

I want to cry.

On a more positive note, I went to a WW meeting today during my lunch break. It was quite good. I weighed heavier there than I do at home, so that sucked, but I did keep to my points limit today (yay me), dranks lots more water than I usually do (two glasses instead of one, lol, no, it was more than that) and didn't feel hungry. I am on day 2 of NO chocolate and not missing it, so the Chromium must be doing it's job. Now I just need to keep up the good work.

self-flagellation

Did you know that if you do WW (or any other new life/new body type plan) that you have to eat healthy and exercise?!!

I think I need to thump that into my brain a bit as I just don't seem to have gotten it yet.

helllooo?! Eat healthy and lose weight....(thump thump)

do not buy/eat/enjoy that custard cream puff at all, it is BAD! (thump thump) Bad, I tell you!

yes, carrot sticks ARE yummy (thump thump)

*sigh* I did my points tracker tonight, as I have been the last few nights. I eat too much, and too much crap. I am almost double my points each day so far. I know I am new at this, but come on! I need to get with the program! I bought Chromium tablets today, apparently they help with the sugar cravings. I also did some exercise today, if you see a lady in the street with two black eyes, it is probably me, I actually did some star jumps, among other things. What possessed me to do star jumps, I do not know.

I have my weekly weigh in on Monday.
current weight - too much
expected loss - minimal
desired loss - anything less than what is currently there staring at me each morning.

I felt 'loved' at work this morning, one of my mums gave me a delicious gift of the most heavenly smelling body and hand lotion as a thank you. Her daughter gave me two big hugs.

I love my job.

I had an OMG moment at work this morning. There has been a team of us working on a grant to get money to start up a toy library (that mad, chocolate induced brain wave I had one night). It was due today at 2pm. We went to view our saved file this morning at 9am.
Gone.

GONE!!!!!!!!!!!

O. M. G.

I could have cried. We have worked so hard on it these last two weeks. I am sooo behind in my work because of it. And it was GONE. I had no time left to work on it, so even though it is my baby I just had to walk away and let my colleagues handle it. I am sure they did a great job retyping our scribbles. Made that gift I got from one of my mums all the more special, it brightened a bad morning.

Bit depressed about the whole housing issue. I haven't heard back from the real estate agents. I am praying, I really am, that one of them will call with positive results.

please.

In the news today there was talk of the whole rental crisis issue that is affecting this large city right now, and leading to Rent Rage, lol. Must say that I feel like I can relate at the moment.

Spoke to friends and family about how I felt, so at least I am not stewing on it. I hope that if I am not able to find somewhere soon, that ex-DH will be reasonable about me staying in the house. That way I can continue saving and searching for somewhere. If he does become unreasonable I will just have to bite the bullet and leave this city. Well, maybe that is too black and white, but if I can't get somewhere to live here, and he pushes for me to be gone, what choice do I have? My best friend would like me closer to her (sweet, but not too many job prospects), and my mum would like me very close to her (no way, no less than two hours from her is just fine thanks).

Ah well, something will happen.

Ranting and raving

The apartment I looked at was two bedroom. What did I think?

small.....

I was close to crying on my way home. I don't think I could bear to live in a two bedroom apartment with three boys. The main bedroom was okay, but the second bedroom was barely big enough to fit a bed and chest of drawers.

*sigh*

That night I was back onto the net investigating possibilities. I realised I had to be a little flexible with my budget and expectations, but I know my limit and I refuse to get myself into financial trouble.

I looked at two three bedroom places on Saturday. One was on the third floor, and the other was a bit tatty round the edges. I would take either one if it was offered. I put applications in today and am waiting to hear from the real estates.

Got very upset with Tween on Saturday. I was working looong hours last week, on top of feeling crook and having a throat infection, so my powers of observation were nil. I came home from house hunting on Saturday and noticed that Tween's bike was not there. I assumed he had got home from his mates while we were out and had gone for a ride on it. Imagine my surprise when he calls me an hour later asking me when I wanted him home from his mates place! Where was the bike?

Well, it turns out that the bike was stolen at school on Wednesday.

Wednesday

I noticed it on SATURDAY. I felt like a bad mum then.

BUT

he hadn't said a WORD!

Why? Because he thought I would get angry. And so I did, but not because the bike had gone missing, I was angry because he didn't tell me! I made that very clear to him. I said that the bike getting stolen wasn't his fault, so why would I get angry about that? I think he got it after I had ranted and raved for a few minutes.

He did very well on his NAPLAN test (an Australian wide test that checks levels of literacy and numeracy). I was proud of him. But I waved it in his face and did the spiel of how this just proves how smart I already knew he was and why couldn't he just dig in at school and do his work?!!! I am sure he appreciated the noise I was making (blah blah school blah blah).

Tween attempted to plaigarise a play last week and I caught him at it and made it very clear that that was totally NOT okay. I then banned him from everything I could think of and helped him write his own one, using a book (god forbid) to assist him.

Lazy sod.

I keep getting told that this is just how boys are. Do I have to believe that or am I wrong to wish for more. Should I back off and let him make his own mistakes?

Well, it is my birthday shortly, and although I won't be following Frogdancers awesome example, I did treat myself, if it can actually be called that, to a subscription with Wieght Watchers. Yup, exciting hey? But I am at the point now where my weight is ridiculous, I look like I am about to have a baby. So this is the year people.

I am woman, no more wobble!!!

*Please God, help to count points and stick to healthy eating so that I may be trim, taut and more terrific than I already am.*

Oh, I also signed up for those dance classes I mentioned recently. Wiggle wiggle!

Give your time freely

Listening to Linkin Park's 'Leave out all the rest' tonight reminded me about some ideas I have had for my life. The song is about being remembered for the good that you have done, and asks friends/family to 'leave out all the rest'. It reminded me that I wanted to do good with my life. I am one of those people who wants to save the world, but is put off by how big a job that is, so does almost nothing.

That makes me sad.

Something is better than nothing.

Garth Brooks sings that one drop can make a difference (well, it is something to that effect).

I need to be a drop. Then I can help make a puddle. A pool. A river. An ocean.

I often talk/think about fostering children, but I know that my life does not suit this right now, that it is something for the future.

I could do reading tutoring. That is a drop. Is it a drop if I get paid for it? No, actually, I think my drop needs to be given freely. Am I prepared to commit to tutoring a child/adult for one hour per week for free? Imagine the difference it would make to their life. Yes, I like this drop.

But not yet. I can aim for that one in 2009 when I have a home and feel settled again. I could post a message on Freecycle - 'do you know someone who has difficulties reading? Free to a genuine need - one hour per week reading tutoring. No age limit.'

Sounds ok.

Is now the time to save the world? When is it a good time, lol? All the time!

I have been indulging in some eye candy by hanging around RSVP, you know, the dating site. It is fun, but it is actually also rather enlightening. I feel like I am very uninteresting when I read so many profiles of people who have travelled, learnt languages, read stuff I have never even heard of, are fitnessy sorts of people or very outdoorsy.

Makes me feel...ummm... a little insignificant.

I have spent my adult life raising children. Yes, I have accomplished things during that time, but nothing that would sound too exciting on a personal resume (finished school, got married, read alot of books, yada yada yada). So I have realised that I really do need to get a life that isn't completely centered on my home.

The cricket thing seems to have hit a dead end as I am not receiving replies to my contact attempts. Next on the list is dancing. I will try solo first, there is a dance studio not far away. And walking, that is a must do too. The afternoons are getting lighter, so I can go for a trot when I get home (not that I feel like it, but it won't kill the kids to wait another half hour for food).

If you see large cracks radiating out from footpaths around my city...it was me. I tried to run.

LOL

Didn't get the house. Going to look at an apartment tomorrow.

The House

Well, No.2, Toddler and I rocked up to the house today that may be our home for the next year or so.

hmmmm.

What can I say....

okay, it is in pretty sad condition on the inside. The walls look like they have been undercoated and no-one got round to finishing the job. The lawn looks like it hasn't been mowed in a year. The stove top is rusting and the water heater for the bathroom is the size of my shoe. There was no apparent laundry facilities, unless a single tap above a large sink in the kitchen is the place. The floor in what would be called the dining area slopes down. Most of the flooring (carpet or lino) is in a pretty bad state.

But..
the bedrooms are huge, the yard is huge (for a city place) and fenced. The house isn't pretty, but it is livable. I spoke to the Estate Agent and she told me the owners are very hands off and not particularly interested in the property, so not to expect anything to be fixed unless it was an emergency. Ok. I asked her if I could paint it and she said that it would be fine if it was at my own expense. Well, I can live with that. From my point of view, if the house looks bad, then I can only make it look better and there is no chance of me losing my bond money.

I will put in an application on Monday.

I found it and it made me think

I wanted to share this post from 'HomeMattersMost' with you today.

Today I am grateful for...

- my awesome kids, they are funny and crazy and 'grey hair producing' all at the same time.

- the friends who have stuck by me even when I have neglected them, and who have stuck with me even when things haven't been perfect. Thank you.

- having a job I love. I am one of the lucky people.

- waking up and knowing that every day is a new day.

- my past, which has shaped me into who I am today.

- God, who has His plans for me and who gives me burdens to show me that I am stronger than I realise, to remind me to ask for help, and to help me know my true friends.

- Chocolate.

I am blessed.

Mr Sandman will be along shortly

as I have spent most of the day feeling very tired.

I drove No.2 to school this morning. Normally he walks. Kinder - Year 3 were having their book week parade today and he insisted on going as a Sentinel from Garth Nix's Keys to the Kingdom series (awesome series, I loved it, hanging out to read Superior Saturday). No.2 has read chapter one of book one (Mister Monday), and apparently liked it very much. So part of my last night was spent creating an awesome pair of wings, a helm and a gauntlet befitting a Warrior Angel. I will post photos in the next day or so. He told me this afternoon that the teachers were impressed, but (insert tone of amazement) the kids just had no idea what a sentinel was! lol. Keep in mind he is talking about 6-9 year olds. lol.

It is amazing that he even knows what one is. Actually, I was blown away that he knew what a Helm was (kind of like a half a helmet), when questioned further he said it was because he has one on an online game he plays and loves. oookaaay *cough cough*, so I guess they do learn something while staring fixatedly at the computer monitor.

No.2 thought his class was pretty funny, most of them came as pirates or princesses. Gee, what innovativeness! I did see a 'Hermione' and an 'Indiana Jones' (umm, helllooo, the book is a rip off of the movie, not the other way around, besides, I thought Book Week was about promoting quality reading...).

I am so proud of my son's imagination. I don't fully understand the theme of it (all guns and killing, etc), but I remember being just like him, full of stories and ideas and wild crazy daydreams.

Toddler was somewhat improved today, in that he didn't look like he had been stung on the cheeks. Took him to the Dr who announced it was the flu and he could do nothing. *sigh*, I kind of knew that. Glad I am not actually paying him to tell me (we have something called bulk-billing here, some Dr's do it, it means you don't pay anything, you just sign a form before you leave).

Anyway, Toddler didn't sleep much, but we were wandering around shops most of the day so I can't say I am too surprised. He had a good snooze when we were home for awhile, and this gave me the opportunity to wash the car. Normally I go to a car wash and do a quick scrub, but I decided to keep my $10 and do it at home with buckets and a cloth. Job well done. I discovered that my wheels are chrome, not black (the tyres are black though), and that my car is grey, not brown! Who knew!!? Looks real purty now.

I am off to view a house tomorrow. I have been umming and aaahing over it for the last week, and finally decided to call the real estate today and ask about it. Just so happens they are having an open house tomorrow as the tenants have vacated. This 3 bedroom house (yes, HOUSE!!!) is about three streets away from here (10 minute walk), 5 minutes from a shopping area I already frequent, 5 minutes from my work...you get the picture. What I do know is that it is a bit run-down. Just how run-down I will find out tomorrow, but I am wondering what is wrong with it because the lease is very low for the area and the fact it is a house. I drove past it today and it looked ok from the outside. I have also Googled it and it looked ok from what I could see there.

I asked my supervisor for a character reference yesterday and mentioned that I needed it to help me get a rental. She didn't ask why I was even looking, maybe it will come up down the track. She is good about not prying, I appreciate that.

If I apply for this house I would expect to be given the keys the weekend after ex-DH gets home. I think I will be paying rent there while living here for maybe a week or two, while things get sorted out. I wasn't planning on even applying this soon, but this is a good opportunity.

nighty night.