Been on meds for 3mths already. It's gone so quick. I see my therapist fortnightly and we are working on my reactions to situations and ways of calming myself down. I am yet to talk to her about D. Thinking about talking about him causes me pain.
I have good days and not so good days. I have great mornings and then am wiped out and down in the afternoon. Such a mix of days. Overall I feel I have improved.
Have put some weight back on, primarily because I haven't been to the gym in two months and haven't skated in 3.
I actually got to the stage where I had handed in my resignation as Treasurer to the league, when one of the girls called me and begged me to come and help her do money stuff at our first bout of the season. I was antsy about it, but got in the car and arrived. I had to sit in the car for about ten minutes and deep breathe so that I could get out and go catch up with everyone.
I was scared that I would get bombarded with 'where have you been' and 'when are you coming back' kind of questions, but thankfully no one did (probably because they were all too busy). I kept a low profile through out the game.
By the end of it I realised that I missed derby a lot. I missed skating, missed the camaraderie, missed the atmosphere. I also realised that I can play a less active role at bouts, because there are plenty of others to do the jobs that I used to think only I could supervise or do. Now I know that the girls on the door will be fine, Security will be fine, the Bar will be fine...etc. I resented so much of the workload that I took upon myself, when in actual fact I did not have to. Now I know that if I want to participate in a bout, I can, and not have to worry about money stuff while I am doing it. I feel like I created much of the stress for myself.
I am quitting uni. I don't want to be a Primary Teacher badly enough to commit another 4 yrs to it. Instead I am going to TAFE (a Technical College) and doing a Cert 3 in Childrens Services. This will allow me to work with 0-5yr olds, the ages I really enjoy. It's a lighter workload and can be done at my own pace. I think it is a good decision.
With all that has happened you would think that finding someone special would not be possible, but it is. Two months ago I met the loveliest guy. He makes me laugh, he brought colour to my grey life. He calls me on days when we don't see each other, he opens doors for me (and gets a kiss for his trouble :-)), pays for our dates, and thinks I am wonderful. He doesn't smother me, but he doesn't forget me either. I feel treasured and cared for. He knows about my depression but is yet to see it in action. He is exactly the person I need in my life.
