NZ trip
Caving
buy my own home
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.
Skydive
Go to the top of centrepoint tower at night
Monday, December 22, 2008
This list is getting smaller
Things I dream of doing...
Dance
Bike License
NZ trip
Caving
learn how to do strikethroughs
buy my own home
lose 5kgs
lose 10kgs YAY ME!!!!!
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.
Skydive
Go to the top of centrepoint tower at night
Ride on my motorbike
have sex make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)
be kissed by a man who I am not related to
be held by a man who I am not related to
NZ trip
Caving
buy my own home
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.
Skydive
Go to the top of centrepoint tower at night
Back, to some extent
Part of my need to go offline was because D had been in touch with me again. Basically he was begging me to give him another chance. I needed to take some time out to consider it.
Lying is my number 1 deal breaker. As much as he says he cares about me and wants me in his life, I do not know whether I can get past the lies he told in order to push me away in the first place. I do not know whether I want to risk being hurt by him again. To add to this confusion is the fact that while he has professed his feelings for me, he still does not call or message or text me when he says he is going to. There is always an excuse.
I deserve better.
I have had some discussion with him over how I am feeling towards him and what he has done. He has expressed hurt that I have been meeting other people (I had to laugh at that). We are yet to make a clean break. There has been alot of damage done to my trust and the distance is not helping. I don't know whether we can have a future together.
I have been chatting to a couple of people, and have met one in the last week or so. Not interested in a relationship with this man (he was actually trying to get his ex back and I provided a shoulder for him to cry on), but enjoyed his company. Another person I am talking to, M, I am looking forward to meeting in the future.
I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. I have still lost weight - 11kgs in 12 weeks, but I am not making any effort in that area at the moment. My dance classes have finished for the year, I have already booked and paid for next years, they start at the end of January.
I passed my theory test for my bike license easily and have spent about 4 hours riding around the back streets of my area getting a feel for the bike. I am just about ready to take it home (I have been storing it at my ex's place). The first time I sat on it I stalled a number of times before I even got it oout of the driveway, this is because I did not know where the friction point on the clutch was, lol, and was letting the clutch out too fast. I am at the point now where it is not a problem. I love riding.
The kids and I celebrated Christmas yesterday because I do not have them for Christmas this year. We built lego all morning, ate lots of bad foods, had turkey and chocolate saucy pudding for lunch/dinner and veged all afternoon. It was a nice day. X is taking them up the coast to visit one of his brothers for Christmas, then I get them back on the 27th. I am working the 29th and 30th, and heading off, with the kids, to my best friends place on the 31st, for a week. It is the highlight of my holidays.
Lying is my number 1 deal breaker. As much as he says he cares about me and wants me in his life, I do not know whether I can get past the lies he told in order to push me away in the first place. I do not know whether I want to risk being hurt by him again. To add to this confusion is the fact that while he has professed his feelings for me, he still does not call or message or text me when he says he is going to. There is always an excuse.
I deserve better.
I have had some discussion with him over how I am feeling towards him and what he has done. He has expressed hurt that I have been meeting other people (I had to laugh at that). We are yet to make a clean break. There has been alot of damage done to my trust and the distance is not helping. I don't know whether we can have a future together.
I have been chatting to a couple of people, and have met one in the last week or so. Not interested in a relationship with this man (he was actually trying to get his ex back and I provided a shoulder for him to cry on), but enjoyed his company. Another person I am talking to, M, I am looking forward to meeting in the future.
I am not sleeping well. I am not eating well. I have still lost weight - 11kgs in 12 weeks, but I am not making any effort in that area at the moment. My dance classes have finished for the year, I have already booked and paid for next years, they start at the end of January.
I passed my theory test for my bike license easily and have spent about 4 hours riding around the back streets of my area getting a feel for the bike. I am just about ready to take it home (I have been storing it at my ex's place). The first time I sat on it I stalled a number of times before I even got it oout of the driveway, this is because I did not know where the friction point on the clutch was, lol, and was letting the clutch out too fast. I am at the point now where it is not a problem. I love riding.
The kids and I celebrated Christmas yesterday because I do not have them for Christmas this year. We built lego all morning, ate lots of bad foods, had turkey and chocolate saucy pudding for lunch/dinner and veged all afternoon. It was a nice day. X is taking them up the coast to visit one of his brothers for Christmas, then I get them back on the 27th. I am working the 29th and 30th, and heading off, with the kids, to my best friends place on the 31st, for a week. It is the highlight of my holidays.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Going to take a break
from meeting people, from blogging, from the online world. I am feeling a little tired, and a bit vulnerable, and am worried about hurting guys unnecessarily, even when I have made it clear that I am only looking for friends at this stage in my life. So I shall just step away for a while.
I passed my bike training, I am a theory test away from being on the road. I am excited about this.
R hasn't spoken to me again, that is now a good thing. I have let everyone else that I was chatting to know that I won't be around for awhile.
I have some thinking to do.
I passed my bike training, I am a theory test away from being on the road. I am excited about this.
R hasn't spoken to me again, that is now a good thing. I have let everyone else that I was chatting to know that I won't be around for awhile.
I have some thinking to do.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
tired, but happy with myself
Last night I did part one of my two part motorbike riders pre-learner course. Tonight I do part 2 and either epic fail, or pass, lol.
I haven't been so cranky with myself in a long time as I was last night, so it was a real swing of emotions for me. The three guys in my group all had some riding experience, albeit illegal, whereas little old me has had almost nothing. So I held the group up a fair bit at times, because I just plain struggled. The instructor was good, he just kept yelling at me, lol, but he was reinforcing what I needed to know and remember. It is a bit like dancing for me, I understand what is supposed to happen and what I am supposed to be doing, but getting the message to my hands and feet is another story, lol.
One of the biggest important factors is your posture - if you have bad 'bike' posture you will have bad riding, and I wasn't getting the positioning quite right until one of the people in a different group came off their bikes. Our instructor went over to help and debrief with her and came back to tell us that she fell because of bad posture - stiff arms, wrists high, not slouched. So after that I got my act together.
There is alot to learn and take in. I want this so bad tho. When I was getting cranky with myself I was swearing a bit and saying to myself 'I CAN do this, I am going to do this', man I have stubborn streak in me, lol. And I did get there. I took longer than the guys, but I did get there and so I am proud of myself. I have massive bruises on my legs tho, from the foot pedals. Comes from being a short ass, lol.
I am looking forward to getting on MY bike and getting to know it well. I would love to do a basic m/bike owners course, so I know how to look after it properly, be able to do a basic service on it, that kind of thing. I can look into it anyway.
Dating - R has gone all quiet on me since we discussed our meeting. He had asked me if I had had a nice time, I said 'yes, nice company, nice conversation', but that I was undecided about a second date (prefer to be honest, don't like giving false hope). He seemed ok with that. Perhaps we will chat later in the week.
I haven't been so cranky with myself in a long time as I was last night, so it was a real swing of emotions for me. The three guys in my group all had some riding experience, albeit illegal, whereas little old me has had almost nothing. So I held the group up a fair bit at times, because I just plain struggled. The instructor was good, he just kept yelling at me, lol, but he was reinforcing what I needed to know and remember. It is a bit like dancing for me, I understand what is supposed to happen and what I am supposed to be doing, but getting the message to my hands and feet is another story, lol.
One of the biggest important factors is your posture - if you have bad 'bike' posture you will have bad riding, and I wasn't getting the positioning quite right until one of the people in a different group came off their bikes. Our instructor went over to help and debrief with her and came back to tell us that she fell because of bad posture - stiff arms, wrists high, not slouched. So after that I got my act together.
There is alot to learn and take in. I want this so bad tho. When I was getting cranky with myself I was swearing a bit and saying to myself 'I CAN do this, I am going to do this', man I have stubborn streak in me, lol. And I did get there. I took longer than the guys, but I did get there and so I am proud of myself. I have massive bruises on my legs tho, from the foot pedals. Comes from being a short ass, lol.
I am looking forward to getting on MY bike and getting to know it well. I would love to do a basic m/bike owners course, so I know how to look after it properly, be able to do a basic service on it, that kind of thing. I can look into it anyway.
Dating - R has gone all quiet on me since we discussed our meeting. He had asked me if I had had a nice time, I said 'yes, nice company, nice conversation', but that I was undecided about a second date (prefer to be honest, don't like giving false hope). He seemed ok with that. Perhaps we will chat later in the week.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
moving on
Had a really good day emotionally today. Spoke to my best friend and bitched about D, lol, felt good.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
hmmm
D got in touch with me briefly tonight. My physical reaction was that I initially felt sick in the stomach (this is normal when I am feeling strong emotions, I haven't been able to eat much for the last week for this very reason, today was the first good day where I felt hungry), then I began getting heart palpitations. Mentally I felt angry. Here is our conversation, albeit it was brief.
Just to clarify - I went to look at his Myspace page, I think it was Sunday, and discovered that he had posted himself as being in a relationship with someone called Nat. I laughed initially (because it seemed completely left field and also something he would do if he wanted to hurt someone), but then started wondering if I hadn't just been used after all. It made me very very angry. And the conversation ended there because I think he went offline between 'only saw it yesterday' and 'or sunday night'.
So I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I am angry at how I have been treated.
Saw the doc today and had my mental health assessed. I am not a fruit loop, lol. But I am depressed, and a reactive depressed like I thought. Seeing the counsellor in two weeks, the doc in three. Doc wants to do blood tests as well to rule out any other stuff. Happy with todays outcome.
| 12/2/2008 | 11:21:01 PM | D | Amber | It's late and I don't want to get into it too much right now. But i withdrew because I realised my pipe dreams and promises weren't possible. I am embarrassed, depressed at the state of both my finances and in other areas my life. I don't know how to talk, I've never had anyone to talk to. So what I do is just withdraw into myself. It's safe. I am sorry. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:21:26 PM | Amber | D | well i thought together they were possible | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:21:29 PM | D | Amber | I understand it will fill your mind with endless scenarios but I don't know what to do about it yet. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:21:37 PM | Amber | D | i care about you | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:21:44 PM | Amber | D | that is what i felt was important | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:22:02 PM | Amber | D | i was hurt that you couldn't talk to me about what was happening for you | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:22:26 PM | D | Amber | It is important. I like knowing you care and I know you do. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:22:49 PM | D | Amber | But until I know I can, without stuffing around 3 kids and you ...... I can't do it. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:01 PM | D | Amber | I don't know what to do about it. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:04 PM | Amber | D | ah daz | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:09 PM | Amber | D | you give me no credit | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:13 PM | Amber | D | and the dreams were yours | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:23 PM | Amber | D | but not ours | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:23:36 PM | Amber | D | we could have talked about OUR dreams | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:24:01 PM | Amber | D | yes to the house and the car and whatever, but we could have adapted them to suit US better | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:24:23 PM | Amber | D | you had it set in your head that it HAD to be a particular way | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:24:37 PM | D | Amber | I need to get to bed. | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:25:03 PM | Amber | D | yes | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:25:06 PM | Amber | D | say hi to nat | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:25:13 PM | Amber | D | that hurt really bad | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:25:21 PM | Amber | D | only saw it yesterday | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:26:16 PM | Amber | D | or sunday night, it was in the last couple of days | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:26:26 PM | Amber | D | made me question everything you had ever said to me | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:26:30 PM | Amber | D | and i didn't like that | ||||
| 12/2/2008 | 11:26:39 PM | Amber | D | i had trusted you implicitly |
Just to clarify - I went to look at his Myspace page, I think it was Sunday, and discovered that he had posted himself as being in a relationship with someone called Nat. I laughed initially (because it seemed completely left field and also something he would do if he wanted to hurt someone), but then started wondering if I hadn't just been used after all. It made me very very angry. And the conversation ended there because I think he went offline between 'only saw it yesterday' and 'or sunday night'.
So I am looking forward to seeing what happens next. I am angry at how I have been treated.
Saw the doc today and had my mental health assessed. I am not a fruit loop, lol. But I am depressed, and a reactive depressed like I thought. Seeing the counsellor in two weeks, the doc in three. Doc wants to do blood tests as well to rule out any other stuff. Happy with todays outcome.
feeling pretty good
yes, I actually feel pretty good today. Had a couple of down moments, but they really were just moments and not all-consuming.
I found that I really enjoyed chatting to three guys last night. One of them works in charity, one is a building designer, and the other is a bricklayer at the moment, but has plans to go out on the oil rigs in the near future. They were all pleasant.
I found that while I was chatting to them I did not think of D at all, this surprised me when I realised it afterwards. I do miss him though, we got on so well and he was very funny. sigh.
Work is fine. I am not really interested in it at the moment, I am kind of going through the motions. I expect to get over this, especially after my holidays in Jan (two weeks, one with kids and one possibly without).
I have made the tentative decision to move up closer to my mum at the end of next year, something I never thought I would do, but after realising how easy it would be for me to give up my job here I figured that I could seriously consider it. I would like to be closer to my family, but not too close, lol. They would like me next door! But I would like to own my own place and I am thinking that maybe I could plan for that to happen and look at buying up there.
I found that I really enjoyed chatting to three guys last night. One of them works in charity, one is a building designer, and the other is a bricklayer at the moment, but has plans to go out on the oil rigs in the near future. They were all pleasant.
I found that while I was chatting to them I did not think of D at all, this surprised me when I realised it afterwards. I do miss him though, we got on so well and he was very funny. sigh.
Work is fine. I am not really interested in it at the moment, I am kind of going through the motions. I expect to get over this, especially after my holidays in Jan (two weeks, one with kids and one possibly without).
I have made the tentative decision to move up closer to my mum at the end of next year, something I never thought I would do, but after realising how easy it would be for me to give up my job here I figured that I could seriously consider it. I would like to be closer to my family, but not too close, lol. They would like me next door! But I would like to own my own place and I am thinking that maybe I could plan for that to happen and look at buying up there.
Monday, December 1, 2008
my list, I need new dreams, lol
Things I dream of doing...
Dance
Bike License
NZ trip
Caving
learn how to do strikethroughs
buy my own home
lose 5kgs
lose 10kgs YAY ME!!!!!
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.
Skydive
Climb to the top of centrepoint tower
Ride on my motorbike
have sex make love (please God, it has been soooo long) ...(ok, so I have had sex since I wrote this, but am yet to make love. The sex was very nice though, lol)
be kissed by a man who I am not related to and the kisses were divine
be held by a man who I am not related to yeh, these hugs were nice too, sigh.
See what I mean, I need new dreams. Thoughts, anyone?
Bike License
NZ trip
Caving
buy my own home
lose 20kgs
Reach goal weight- this was 65kgs, is now 80kgs, I like my curves.
Skydive
Climb to the top of centrepoint tower
Ride on my motorbike
See what I mean, I need new dreams. Thoughts, anyone?
Not happy today
well, today, to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I am tired, my eyes hurt (and I haven't shed very many tears, so I don't know why they hurt) and I feel emotional and unpleasant.
I sent D a message last night asking him to explain to me what happened, since I really do have no idea. No reply as yet, and it wouldn't actually surprise me if I never get one.
Caught up online with a guy who I had been chatting to when I met D, so I sent him a hi saying I was back online if he wanted to talk some time. He was a nice bloke, but he was never going to be able to compete with D's charm, lol. I am not the type of girl to keep a man in reserve in case things don't work out, so I had said to him that I would be happy to be friends, he wasn't keen and so we haven't spoken much since.
There are some interesting people out there. I like hearing about other people's lives and interests and I think these sites are a good way to do that. I haven't figured out irc chat rooms, so I am staying away from them until my bro's can give me a lesson or two in how to use them.
I have decided to continue sticking to my 9pm-11pm time limit online, I feel like it is something I can controll. It will also mean I get to bed at a decent hour. I think I will also continue the 'rules' I had set for myself. I know I deserve to be treated well. I AM a NICE girl.
Had a good chat to my best friend last night. We have come such a long way together. She wanted to call D and abuse him, which I found very funny, but I appreciated the fact she cared about me enough to want to do that. Besides, I still like D, stupid, I know, but he really did tick all my boxes and so it is hard not to like him. Also talked to my mum and skimmed over the surface of what had happened with D. I had spoken to her previously about D's condition, and how I wasn't sure if I was up to it, so when I told her that D and I weren't dating anymore I let her think it was because I had decided I couldn't handle it. She is disappointed for me, but she commented on the positive change she had seen in me over the last few weeks and how much she had seen me grow in self-confidence. I know she will check in with me through the week to see how I am, and I will put on a happy face. I do feel fine most of the time, I see it as me battening down the hatches.
Music is a great help. I have been having my car stereo blasting, my window down, and I scream the lyrics of songs I know. It is very cathartic, lol.
I sent D a message last night asking him to explain to me what happened, since I really do have no idea. No reply as yet, and it wouldn't actually surprise me if I never get one.
Caught up online with a guy who I had been chatting to when I met D, so I sent him a hi saying I was back online if he wanted to talk some time. He was a nice bloke, but he was never going to be able to compete with D's charm, lol. I am not the type of girl to keep a man in reserve in case things don't work out, so I had said to him that I would be happy to be friends, he wasn't keen and so we haven't spoken much since.
There are some interesting people out there. I like hearing about other people's lives and interests and I think these sites are a good way to do that. I haven't figured out irc chat rooms, so I am staying away from them until my bro's can give me a lesson or two in how to use them.
I have decided to continue sticking to my 9pm-11pm time limit online, I feel like it is something I can controll. It will also mean I get to bed at a decent hour. I think I will also continue the 'rules' I had set for myself. I know I deserve to be treated well. I AM a NICE girl.
Had a good chat to my best friend last night. We have come such a long way together. She wanted to call D and abuse him, which I found very funny, but I appreciated the fact she cared about me enough to want to do that. Besides, I still like D, stupid, I know, but he really did tick all my boxes and so it is hard not to like him. Also talked to my mum and skimmed over the surface of what had happened with D. I had spoken to her previously about D's condition, and how I wasn't sure if I was up to it, so when I told her that D and I weren't dating anymore I let her think it was because I had decided I couldn't handle it. She is disappointed for me, but she commented on the positive change she had seen in me over the last few weeks and how much she had seen me grow in self-confidence. I know she will check in with me through the week to see how I am, and I will put on a happy face. I do feel fine most of the time, I see it as me battening down the hatches.
Music is a great help. I have been having my car stereo blasting, my window down, and I scream the lyrics of songs I know. It is very cathartic, lol.
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