I was seeing D again (yeh yeh I know, not smart) a couple of months ago, so I was back to sitting around waiting for him to make time to see me. I was working two jobs, juggling derby and uni commitments, and trying to be a good parent.
I ended up a mess.
D broke it off with me, I made mistakes at work and nearly lost both my jobs, I failed another subject at uni, I stopped going to derby and I was failing as a parent (in my eyes).
As hard as it was for me I reached out to a couple of my friends, who have experienced depression and anxiety, and asked for help. They encouraged me to go to the Dr and helped keep me in the Dr's surgery when I was having second thoughts. They made it ok for me to consider going on medication, because I knew that this time I would not be able to pull myself out of the black hole.
I was worn out. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left.
So to the Dr's I went and sat there in his office and bawled (much to my disgust). Got myself under control and got the ball rolling. That was about 6 weeks ago. I am on medication for my depression and when I visited the Dr recently we decided to increase the dosage as it wasn't quite doing the job it needed to be doing. I also saw a Psych for the first time last week and I have 2 more appointments booked.
The medication has really given me some relief from my brain. I still over-analyse, but now I am not being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. I now have 'room to breathe'. I still feel, I get cranky/annoyed, I feel happy, I get sad. But now the emotions are rational, rather than irrational. I had felt like I was going mad, like I was out of control.
I didn't know just how stressed I was feeling until I stopped. Now I have discovered that I have anxiety about going back to derby. I wonder if it is because of the long term issues with Shin Splints, or the conflicts that have been going on. I don't know. I just know that at this point in time I do not feel like I can set foot in our venue. I haven't trained in 6 weeks, haven't been to a meeting, haven't given a report. I did catch up on the bookwork to some extent.
I don't know what I will do regarding derby at this stage. I know that I want to step down from my committee position, but need to tie up some loose ends before I do so. I may change to a social member for the next little while, until I feel like I want to start again. But I may not. What is interesting is that I have been so very busy with derby for the last 2 years that I haven't done things that I had hoped to have done by now, like kayaking and rock climbing etc. I also haven't spent as much time with my boys.
Lately I am spending more time just sitting. I had truly forgotten how to relax and even now I have to make myself just sit and watch a movie or chat with the boys, and do nothing else. I think they are enjoying having my full attention. I have played Chess with No.2, Uno with Teen and No.2, and lots of MarioKart on the Wii with Little Boy. I've had fun :-) I've gotten jobs done outside and felt productive again.
I have deferred uni for this next semester. I really lost the plot where uni was concerned. I have seriously considered quitting altogether, however my best friend has told me of another option that I will discuss if I go ahead with it.
When people ask me if I am ok I say no. I say that I am worn out, tired, resting. That I took too much on and now I am paying the price.
I am feeling better about life. I am feeling like I have time to pursue other interests, and to give my kids the time they deserve. I feel like I can be there more for Teen as he navigates these defining years.
I haven't asked for help in more than 15 yrs, so glad I finally did.
