I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.
So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...
Time will tell
I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.
Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.
I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.
ah...and now to the kids
It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.
So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).
Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.
I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.
I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.
So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).
No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).
Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.
Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.
It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).
At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.
Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.
