still churned up over the ex having a girlfriend, and it is still about HIM having someone when I cannot find a man who actually wants to get to know me without stifling me.
lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.
I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.
I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fine....
is what I say when things aren't really fine at all, but maybe I am still processing my options. Or I am just not fine.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
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