Working on my fitness again

April 7th my measurements were...

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Today

Bust 114

Waist 110

Hips 126

Thighs 66

Arms 40

hmmm, that's a little more disappointing than I had hoped.

At the end of Jan this yr my measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I am still less than what I was then and that is a definite positive. Well, I am back to working on my health and fitness. Not eating as best I could, but going to the gym 3 or 4 times a week and have started the C25K again. Actually, I am just up to week 4 of the C25K, and am doing ok. Struggled a little today.

Still dating my fireman :-) it will be 5 months next week. We talk most days and I see him about once a fortnight. He is having major issues with his ex, it's causing him quite a bit of stress, but I just stay out of it. Shit could hit the fan next week as he and I are supposed to be going to Melbourne for a couple days over the weekend, and he hasn't told his ex that he won't be able to have his son. She doesn't know about me yet as it will only complicate matters further. Not sure what I would do if he backs out of going.

Mentally I am mostly ok. I have good days and bad days. The bad days have some link to my level of tiredness, I try to get a reasonable nights sleep but am often unsuccessful. On bad days I want to stay at home and sit.

Baby steps

I self analyse a lot. I do it less than I did before the meds, but I still do it.

So I was driving along in my car the other day, thinking about what I was like before the meds and something occurred to me....

If I had got help 4yrs ago, if I had been willing to go onto medication then or even way back 10 yrs ago when I miscarried and fell into depression for the first time, I may still be married to my husband today.

Yes, you read that right. I feel that my depression was actually what killed us once and for all. I remember how incredibly miserable I was, how irrational, how I felt there was no future etc etc. Now that I know what my head feels like when I am not in the throes of severe depression, I realise that my irrationality played a very significant role in my belief that there was no option but to walk away.

This makes me sad. It's not something I could ever tell my ex, or my current partner. I am seeing my bestie soon and I think I shall chat to her about it. I mentioned it to the Psych, and she seemed to agree.

I discussed past relationships with my Psych last week, and as a result had a bad couple of days. Discussing D was distressing and left me unsettled. That and the realisation about my marriage meant that I was not feeling so great about things. It affected my ability to chat to my humble hero when he phoned the next night and I actually cut our conversation really short and got off the phone. He thought I was upset with him, but we had a big chat about it the next day when I was feeling better and we got it sorted.

Swimming upwards

though sometimes it feels like I am swimming through mud.

Been on meds for 3mths already. It's gone so quick. I see my therapist fortnightly and we are working on my reactions to situations and ways of calming myself down. I am yet to talk to her about D. Thinking about talking about him causes me pain.

I have good days and not so good days. I have great mornings and then am wiped out and down in the afternoon. Such a mix of days. Overall I feel I have improved.

Have put some weight back on, primarily because I haven't been to the gym in two months and haven't skated in 3.

I actually got to the stage where I had handed in my resignation as Treasurer to the league, when one of the girls called me and begged me to come and help her do money stuff at our first bout of the season. I was antsy about it, but got in the car and arrived. I had to sit in the car for about ten minutes and deep breathe so that I could get out and go catch up with everyone.

I was scared that I would get bombarded with 'where have you been' and 'when are you coming back' kind of questions, but thankfully no one did (probably because they were all too busy). I kept a low profile through out the game.

By the end of it I realised that I missed derby a lot. I missed skating, missed the camaraderie, missed the atmosphere. I also realised that I can play a less active role at bouts, because there are plenty of others to do the jobs that I used to think only I could supervise or do. Now I know that the girls on the door will be fine, Security will be fine, the Bar will be fine...etc. I resented so much of the workload that I took upon myself, when in actual fact I did not have to. Now I know that if I want to participate in a bout, I can, and not have to worry about money stuff while I am doing it. I feel like I created much of the stress for myself.

I am quitting uni. I don't want to be a Primary Teacher badly enough to commit another 4 yrs to it. Instead I am going to TAFE (a Technical College) and doing a Cert 3 in Childrens Services. This will allow me to work with 0-5yr olds, the ages I really enjoy. It's a lighter workload and can be done at my own pace. I think it is a good decision.

With all that has happened you would think that finding someone special would not be possible, but it is. Two months ago I met the loveliest guy. He makes me laugh, he brought colour to my grey life. He calls me on days when we don't see each other, he opens doors for me (and gets a kiss for his trouble :-)), pays for our dates, and thinks I am wonderful. He doesn't smother me, but he doesn't forget me either. I feel treasured and cared for. He knows about my depression but is yet to see it in action. He is exactly the person I need in my life.

Please support a fellow derby girl

to go to Canada to represent Australia in Roller Derby :-)

Rock bottom

I hit it and I hit it hard.

I was seeing D again (yeh yeh I know, not smart) a couple of months ago, so I was back to sitting around waiting for him to make time to see me. I was working two jobs, juggling derby and uni commitments, and trying to be a good parent.

I ended up a mess.

D broke it off with me, I made mistakes at work and nearly lost both my jobs, I failed another subject at uni, I stopped going to derby and I was failing as a parent (in my eyes).

As hard as it was for me I reached out to a couple of my friends, who have experienced depression and anxiety, and asked for help. They encouraged me to go to the Dr and helped keep me in the Dr's surgery when I was having second thoughts. They made it ok for me to consider going on medication, because I knew that this time I would not be able to pull myself out of the black hole.

I was worn out. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left.

So to the Dr's I went and sat there in his office and bawled (much to my disgust). Got myself under control and got the ball rolling. That was about 6 weeks ago. I am on medication for my depression and when I visited the Dr recently we decided to increase the dosage as it wasn't quite doing the job it needed to be doing. I also saw a Psych for the first time last week and I have 2 more appointments booked.

The medication has really given me some relief from my brain. I still over-analyse, but now I am not being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. I now have 'room to breathe'. I still feel, I get cranky/annoyed, I feel happy, I get sad. But now the emotions are rational, rather than irrational. I had felt like I was going mad, like I was out of control.

I didn't know just how stressed I was feeling until I stopped. Now I have discovered that I have anxiety about going back to derby. I wonder if it is because of the long term issues with Shin Splints, or the conflicts that have been going on. I don't know. I just know that at this point in time I do not feel like I can set foot in our venue. I haven't trained in 6 weeks, haven't been to a meeting, haven't given a report. I did catch up on the bookwork to some extent.

I don't know what I will do regarding derby at this stage. I know that I want to step down from my committee position, but need to tie up some loose ends before I do so. I may change to a social member for the next little while, until I feel like I want to start again. But I may not. What is interesting is that I have been so very busy with derby for the last 2 years that I haven't done things that I had hoped to have done by now, like kayaking and rock climbing etc. I also haven't spent as much time with my boys.

Lately I am spending more time just sitting. I had truly forgotten how to relax and even now I have to make myself just sit and watch a movie or chat with the boys, and do nothing else. I think they are enjoying having my full attention. I have played Chess with No.2, Uno with Teen and No.2, and lots of MarioKart on the Wii with Little Boy. I've had fun :-) I've gotten jobs done outside and felt productive again.

I have deferred uni for this next semester. I really lost the plot where uni was concerned. I have seriously considered quitting altogether, however my best friend has told me of another option that I will discuss if I go ahead with it.

When people ask me if I am ok I say no. I say that I am worn out, tired, resting. That I took too much on and now I am paying the price.

I am feeling better about life. I am feeling like I have time to pursue other interests, and to give my kids the time they deserve. I feel like I can be there more for Teen as he navigates these defining years.

I haven't asked for help in more than 15 yrs, so glad I finally did.

New tattoo's..yes, that is a plural!

I've been pretty sick with gastro these last few days. Got on the scales this morning and discovered I had lost 3 kgs in as many days. Not a weight loss program I want to pursue, but 'wow!' lol. Still struggling to eat properly, but will get there in the next few days.

Have gotten two new tattoos. It's been two years since I got my first and I had been wanting another for a while. The opportunity came and I jumped at it and got my phoenix...

for me this symbolises Faith (in myself), Strength (of character), and Virtue. In Mythology, the Phoenix represents rebirth/renewal. In China it is synonymous with good fortune, opportunity, and luck. The Phoenix is a Yang symbol.

I then got all excited and went and got one on the other thigh.

it's in grey cos it was really swollen and red and not pretty lol. The dragon is a Yin symbol in some cultures and is the male counterpart to the female Phoenix, together they symbolize both conflict and wedded bliss :-)

I'm happy with the artwork. I will probably only get one more tattoo and that won't be for a while. It is to be something that symbolises my love for Australia, at the moment I am thinking something with skates lol.

wtf moments

But first....

So on the 28th Feb my measurements were

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

and today they were

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Wow, I am impressed, another 7cms :-) I weighed in yesterday and had lost 1.5kg in two weeks :-) had also lost another 0.6% body fat. This is good. Still not getting to the gym to exercise, but have modified my eating and that seems to be making the difference at the moment.

And now to what my title refers to...

I had left Titan as a friend on my Facebook because it felt awkward to delete him. I wish I had, because he would post on my Wall and kept adding friends of mine. I got to the point where enough was enough and made a comment about 'looking forward to dinner' (I was actually looking forward to dinner, but was having it at a derby meeting with a whole group of people). He said 'that's nice, who with?' I replied 'if I had wanted to say who, I would have'. He then texted me to say if I was dating someone he would stop trying to see me

wtf??

I wasn't even aware he was trying to see me. I had certainly never given him any indication that I was interested in seeing him again. I replied 'yes' (yes, I did lie to make him go away), he abused me and that was that. Later I discovered he had deleted me from Facebook. How did I feel? Guess!

relieved

*sigh*

Guess who else messaged me recently (bizarre coincidence)....D

Mum recently commented to me that I would find someone who will sweep me off my feet one day. I replied 'I already did'. She was surprised and said 'who'.

'D'

She just looked at me. Then said 'ok'.

It was pretty freaky that he had got in touch. I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm well aware that I don't want a normal relationship, but I doubt that is what he would be offering. I know that he won't have changed a bit from what he was like two and a half years ago (yep, it's been that long since we met).

hmmm

could be a dangerous path to walk again. Hazardous for my heart

Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.

Well that didn't help

So Titan comes over the next night. He'd got pretty annoyed with me on the phone, so I thought I should stop being a bitch and have him over and discuss it in person.

So he does a big rant, had some valid points about how I don't make him feel loved and needed, tried to pin his lack of social life on me (I told him to get stuffed on that one), and then calmed down somewhat. I pointed out that I have been on my own in some way or another for many years, that accommodating another adult is not something I have done for a while, and that he needed to be a bit more understanding of where I am coming from. I then muttered something about needing a tire changed and that seemed to make him happy (which I thought was odd).

Anyway, that settled him a bit and we went on to discuss other stuff. I told him I'd been craving pasta carbonara all week and how nice it would be to have Italian when we go for dinner on Sat. We discussed food for a bit and the impression I got was that we would be having Italian.

Today he calls me and we check in with each other about schedules and stuff and I said, 'So, are we going to (a lovely Italian place that makes awesome Pasta Carbonara)?'

'Oh no', he says, 'I don't want pasta. We're going to (a steak and chicken restaurant)'.

'Oh' I said

'That's ok isn't it? I can have my chicken then'.

'Fine'

I should have said no, I should have said that I have really been looking forward to having Italian. But I didn't. And now I am pissed off all over again.

Meh

Busy-ness

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

Do, or do not...there is no try

a very good quote from Yoda, of all creatures, lol. I like it and I say it to myself whenever I am feeling like giving up, or when I hear myself say 'I'll try'.

No change in cm's this week. Last Wednesday I weighed myself and appeared to have dropped 1.5kgs, but today I weighed myself and had dropped only 1/2 a kg. Blech. Stupid scales. Haven't been to the gym much because of other commitments, but have still been getting a fair bit of exercise in my new job,

I have a second job as a cleaner, as I am desperate for a bit extra money and my creche hours have been cut back (at my request, but it's night work and was impacting on my kids). I started the cleaning job last Wed. It is casual work, but I have said I am available all day Monday, and till 2.30 pm Tues and Wed. I've done 3 shifts, it is uncomplicated work, but tiring. It pays $3 more per hour than the child care.

Uni - I have dropped back to part-time as my workload (work, kids, boyfriend, derby, and uni) is getting too much and I don't want to wipe myself out. What I have now is plenty!

progress

A month ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This week...

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Excellent. Still not losing weight, but cm's are good. Been a bit slack re exercise as I hurt my foot on Friday night (sitting at the computer, believe it or not. I think I've pinched a nerve in the top of the foot, very painful), but hope to be back on track within the next few days.

Looks like I've picked up a second job doing cleaning. I have a trial on Wed, but I am confident as I have done this type of work before.

Things are continuing to go well with Titan.

I have been placed on a derby team, I am now a Hellcat :-) Haven't skated for a week, but feel good about playing.

Kids are fine.

continued progress

Last weeks measurements were...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

This week...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 106 (41.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 67 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Good to see that I am still dropping cm's off my waist. I had a pretty bad food/exercise week over the last week, so am glad I dropped anything at all.

Last Friday I went to derby training feeling very nervous and unsure of myself. Friday night is Scrimmage night and was to be my first time being fully involved in training for about 6mths. I was nervous about my performance, and worried about my legs. I had prepared my legs by lathering on Deep Heat and wearing a set of knee high Skins.

Silly me :-)

Performance wise, there is plenty of room for improvement, but I did as well as can be expected. My legs...were fine!!!!! I was so incredibly happy. I skated off and on for two hours and had only the minor discomfort that goes with doing an intense exercise. Yay!!!! All the hard work of the last few weeks is paying off.

My next goal is the Tough Bloke (Chick) Challenge, so now my attention is on building up my upper body strength and getting my running going again. I have about 3.5 months to train for the 6km course. I believe it's split into a 3km run, 1km obstacles, 2km run.

I did the C25K Wk1 Day1 today (resulted in a 2.5km walk/jog) and struggled a little bit, but did complete it. I can feel a slight twinge in my right leg which indicates I need to stretch a bit more, but the shin splints are not an issue.

I have a physio appt tomorrow. Will have a chat about my exercise and stretches and maybe find out about strapping.

Titan - well, as I had discovered in previous dating experiences, 6wks is about how long it takes for the less pretty side of a person to come out. I have found he is a bit of a whiner. He is also as self-indulgent as I was, maybe more so as he will actually drive down late at night to get chocolate or coke, whereas I will only get it if I am out already. He wants to discuss my diet with me and tells me I shouldn't have had that meat pie yesterday even though I did more than enough exercise to allow myself it, yet he will eat an entire pizza even when he has not done any exercise for a couple days. I dislike hypocrites and I have said that to him a couple times (maybe his intention is for me to see it as support and encouragement, but I don't).

He is a big fan of the Snooze button, which I think is a waste of time and is just lying to yourself - you set the alarm for when you are going to get up, not for when you think you might get up.

He doesn't seem to remember when I tell him something. This could actually be a memory problem related to his coma. Example - he's been dating me for 6wks, I have attended the gym regularly in that time. The only day I go at 5.30am is on Mondays, because I have Little Boy at home all day and it's the only time I can fit it in. Every other day I go sometime during the day. I know Titan and I have talked about this, at least a couple of times, yet he texts me early this morning and asks me why I wasn't at the gym...another example - training on Fridays goes from 7-9pm. I have told him this a few times. I have told him I don't get home till at least 10pm. So he texts me Fri night and asks me what time I will be home...when I tell him, again, he whines about wanting to spend more time together.

So yeh, none of these are worth breaking up over, but they are irritants. I am happy with the amount of time we spend together, which is about two nights per week plus Sat. He would like more. He would also like to say the 'L' word, but is holding back cos he wants me to say it first. I'm not in a rush to do that.

Gah...relationships are hard work.

smiley face

ok, so I bit the bullet after a lovely weekend with Titan, and I made us Facebook official (insert many lol's here). He met my mum and bro's on the weekend and I think he made a good impression.

Two weeks ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

And this weeks measurements are...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

So in two weeks I have dropped 2cms off my bust, 6cms off my waist and 3cms off my hips, 1cm from my thighs and 2cms from my arms...a total of 14cms (5.5inches). WOO!!!! I am nearly back to what I was Oct 2009!

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

The scales still tell me I'm heavier than then, but the cm's are more accurate and more motivating. Give me a week and I reckon I will be back there and then the below numbers will be my aim

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

*happy dance*

Still on a good curve

Yep, things are still looking positive for the most part.

Titan has been spending a bit more time around me and the boys. This does not appear to have deterred him from dating me :-) Last night he asked me if we were in a relationship, I said that I had been calling him my boyfriend and he said he was calling me his girlfriend (I feel about 12 when we have conversations like this). Then he said something about changing the relationship status on Facebook and I laughed and said 'What? It's not official unless it's Facebook official?' I told him that I don't have my relationship status on FB anyway, because my personal life is not the world's business. I told him he could change his if he wanted. He seemed to let it go. Maybe I'll change it on or after Valentine's Day (I don't know why then particularly, maybe cos it seems appropriate). He also mentioned that there were a few little words that he wanted to say to me, but that it felt too soon. I nodded and kissed him, because it is too soon.

Our conversation last night prompted me to sms my ex and let him know I was seeing someone and it was getting serious. He hasn't replied and I don't really expect him to.

A little unpleasantness this week...regarding my 'friend' J and her issue with her partners ex-g, Shiny. Little bit of history here

So lately Shiny has begun participating in contact and scrimmages at training. J has sat on the sidelines and has appeared to laugh when Shiny falls or can't keep up with the pack (even I have trouble with that). J has been making cryptic, but insulting, comments on FB that even a blind man could figure out was referring to Shiny. I spoke to Shiny about the comments and spent some time thinking about J and her disgusting behaviour towards Shiny, and decided I had had enough. So I messaged her on FB. See below...

Hey hon
I've been told that your cryptic posts of late have been referring to Shiny. I know you think she joined derby because of you and Stripey, but it's pretty obvious that she is here for the love of the game only.

She has no problem with you or Stripey and can't understand why you have a problem with her. I can't understand it either anymore. Please explain to me why you still have such a problem with her.

Flame

I have NEVER though that it joined because of us. I hope to fuck it didnt!
Im fucking over the shit that has gorn on since it joined and wish only for a mac truck to come along and take my problems away

Im fucking over this shit, in and out of derby it is making social life impossible and i am well and truly ready to snap.

If it really didnt have a problem, it wouldnt make such a point of ruining any chance we had at a social life we may have had.

You haven't actually said what it is that Shiny has done to offend you so much. The fact that you and her and Stripey move in the same circle of friends can't be helped, but it is your choice to let the matter affect you.

Calling any person 'it' is something I find incredibly offensive and I ask that you stop.

Flame

You really want to know?!
I dont take kindly to being bad mouthed, as it did when joining. Made up stories about me trying to stop it from joining and such bullshit.

I dont take kindly to having someone quite obviously try to get people that are my friends away from me. Of course you wouldnt see that happening because it happened with you aalong with many others. Though I would hope you might notice the fact that we dont get to talk anymore, wonder why that is?!

I also really dont take kindly to someone making up bullshit stories about people I care about. Making up bullshit about Stripey beating her and then telling everyone simply because it is jealous that he has moved on is so fucking wrong and beyond belief.

We have kept our mouths shut about everything that has gorn on because as soon as we start saying anything its seen as us attacking her when thats all it has done since joining.

Quite frankly, I am beyond giving a fuck. I have lost that many friendships with people I cared about because I dont get to see them anymore because we dont make a point of attending everything to brown nose. We have chosen not to attend so that we arent put into situations that we wont like, as well as stopping others from feeling uncomfortable.

And, she is vile and obnoxious. Cant fucking stand being around it.

So you know, she hasn't badmouthed you or Stripey to me, and she has certainly never called you 'it' or anything like that. Clearly, you have a different point of view than I do. You obviously feel very strongly about Shiny and her involvement in derby.

There are others in the league who don't like each other. They see no need to be nasty about each other or avoid social situations because of it.

I don't want to stop being your friend, but your behavior is making it hard to be a friend to you. I have not seen or heard Shiny behave towards you in a way that justifies your extreme dislike, but as I said before, you have a different view on the situation. And as I said before, calling a person 'it' is incredibly offensive to me.

Flame

Sent via Facebook Mobile

nice to know a friend of mine gives a fuck about me.
thanks

Unfortunately, because I haven't seen the behavior from Shiny that you describe, it is difficult for me to support your very obvious dislike of her.

Up till recently I have not let your feelings about Shiny affect my friendship with you, but hearing you badmouth her to other league members, and the fact that you think it is ok to call someone 'it', is of great concern to me.

I am fully aware you have a different view of the situation. You are clearly aware that you have lost friendships since she came. Has it occurred to you that you lost the friendships because of the way you have handled the situation?

This whole mess is disappointing for all involved.

Flame

And that was that. She then started posting cryptic, but insulting, messages on FB that were directed at me. She has lost me as a friend. When I read her first reply, that started with 'I have NEVER thought that it joined because of us', I shook my head. She lodged a grievance about Shiny joining, they had mediation about it, I was on the committee at the time and was well aware of that situation, and here she blatantly lies to me. The reference she makes to Shiny affecting their social life is about a BBQ that was on recently that all three of them were invited to. J and Stripey chose not to go because Shiny was going to be there. It is J that makes people uncomfortable, J that bitches and whines and backstabs. Unfortunately neither her, nor Stripey, want to see it that way. That's their choice and they are going to have to live with the fallout. It will be interesting to see whether they stay with the league.

Now back to good stuff :-)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This weeks measurements are

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

so a total loss of 8cms (3in)!!!! But would you believe I have lost NO weight!

In a happier place

The last time I wrote, Teen and I were looking forward to seeing a Psychiatrist and moving forward with all that had been happening. What a joke that turned out to be. Apparently we were referred to yet another Psychologist for a second opinion on Teen's possible Schizophrenia, not for an ADHD assessment at all. So we spent an hour in there going over the same things with no outcome except confirmation that he did not have Schizophrenia. When I asked the Psych at the end what our options were he told me that if we saw a Psychiatrist then Teen would be put onto medication. Neither Teen nor I are keen on that idea so we walked out of there with nothing.

So now what? I am working on giving him more hugs and saying 'I love you' again like I used to before I got so caught up in fear and anger. He actually appears to have calmed down a fair bit, I don't know why but will enjoy it while it lasts. I am reading up on boys/teens and trying to understand what is happening for him right now. There are challenging moments.

This morning I go to make the lunches for school. I open the fridge to get some grapes for No.2's lunch, and can't find them. I ask the boys if they know where the grapes are. Teen says 'I ate them'.

He ate a kilo of grapes. They were supposed to last the week and be used in lunches. I called him a selfish bastard and told him they were supposed to be for lunches for the week. He was stuck on how awesome it was that he ate a whole kilo of grapes.

sigh

In other news...I skated yesterday. Actually, that is the end of the story lol. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to get back on skates again. I was at training and depressed about watching the girls and not being out there. So I did some research, talked to heaps of people, and decided to work on my health and fitness and see if that made enough of a difference for me to get back out on skates.

So Monday 17th Jan I started going to the gym again. I think I went 3 times that week and did 30 mins on the stationary bike, 10 mins on the Elliptical Trainer. The following week I put a program on my iPhone that allows you to record exercise and calories (it's basically a diary of your food and exercise) and I began to keep a close eye on what I was putting in vs what I was putting out. I continued to do 25-30 mins bike + 10 mins elliptical and was careful with my calorie allowance. I am on 1540 cals (6300kj) per day. The session on the bike and elliptical gives me another 500 cals to play with, so I can actually have around 2000cals per day. It has actually been really easy to stay under that figure.

By keeping a food diary that lists the cals in food I can decide whether I want to waste 225cals on a Cadbury Picnic Bar, or instead have some Apricot lollies that I like, get a sugar fix from them, but only use 160 cals. A choice I made recently - I was craving a meat pie. I checked to see what the cal value was - around 500cals! My craving was not worth a third of my daily allowance, so I opted for a Beef cup a soup and two bread rolls instead (about 300cals), and was satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. On Sunday I knew I was going to have McDonalds, so I made sure I had a light breakfast and lunch, did some exercise, and was able to have Macca's guilt free (although it did make me feel a bit sick).

Anyway...as of today I have lost 1kg and dropped 2cms off both my hips and waist. I found this post which shows where I was at Dec 2009. If you don;t want to read it I have noted the figures for Oct/Dec below.

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

My current measurements are...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I now know that I am currently heavier than I was Oct 09. It's there in black and white. It goes to show how easy it is to let yourself go. Right now my scales say I am 99kgs. In Oct/Dec 09 I think I was about 95kgs. My goal weight is 80kgs.

Back to the matter of skating. I've been off skates since the day at the Foreshore when the shin splints were agony. I have focussed on lots of stretching and doing low or no impact exercise. Yesterday I went for a gentle skate at the Foreshore with the kids. I was on my skates for an hour, but probably only spent 30mins intensively skating. I had no pain while skating, and only slight discomfort for an hour or so afterwards (I should have stretched but didn't as I was rushing around at home getting tea organised). I feel very good about this and feel positive that what I am doing is working for me. I have set a target of a month of off skate training, with a bit of social/casual skating here and there. I realise that I will have the shin splints for life and that what is important is to listen to my body and rest it when it needs resting, stretch when I need to stretch, and say 'no' if I feel I can't do an activity, such as pacelines. I am going to try Orthotic inserts and when I have the money I will see a Physio. I want to be back out skating again. I want to be on a team and bouting again.

Love life...smiley face. Three weeks ago I met a man we shall call Titan. We spent 3hrs talking and could have kept going but I had to be elsewhere. He asked me on an official date and well...we had our 5th date last Sat. Each time we get together we spend hours talking and getting to know each other. We're not rushing, both of us have been hurt before and want to take it easy. He's met the boys, he's actually already met Little Boy before, as he works in Child Care and had done some casual work at Little Boy's daycare center. The boys were impressed by his height (6ft 2in yum yum) and that he looks kind of buff (he goes to the gym pretty regularly and looks after himself most of the time).

I like him. He is a family man, very protective of his twin sister, who has cerebral palsy. He's been close to death, he had a surgical operation 3yrs ago that put him in a coma that no one thought he would come out of. He had to re-learn how to walk and talk again, not right from scratch tho, it was more about reminding his neurons what they were supposed to do. It prompted him to have a career change, he was a process worker before the accident and decided after that he wanted to go into child care, a job he had wanted to do since highschool. He is affectionate, but not overly so. He texts, but not too much. He compliments me when he sees me. He feels safe talking to me. He can't spell too well and his grammar is a bit poor, but I actually don't care. He's never been married but has had 3 relationships that lasted over 1yr, the longest was 4yrs. He does want children of his own, so I have had to have a good think about whether I was prepared to go down that road again. I like how I feel when I am around him, I enjoy his company and I would like to continue seeing him.

Possible negatives - he has told me that he can have a bit of a temper at times. He has told me that there has been times when he has been pretty depressed. He is on anti depressants and he says they have made a huge difference to his attitude and perspective. Nothing unusual really.

Life is looking pretty good at the moment.