I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.
Not so.
In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.
BUT....
I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....
Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)
Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)
Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)
Equals overall - 21cm (8in)
As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.
At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.
I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!
Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.
My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.
No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.
Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.
So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.
About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.
I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
hmmm
I had a car accident on the 8th Nov. Just realised my last post was about me having a dream that included something to do with a car accident. Odd.
I wrote off the car though. I came out of a roundabout in the wet and the back end fishtailed, I panicked, hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ended up putting the car through a shop window. I came out of it ok, I ended up with a sore neck and back but x-rays ruled out any damage.
Maybe I should write that letter...
I now have a Toyota Camry a few years older than my last car, but low km's and good interior and boot space. I took it for a drive to Sydney recently and it handled it really well.
I got my P plates for my motorbike...YAY!!! The testing day was pretty stressful and I just scraped through, but I got it :-)
I started doing the Couch to 5km (C25K) challenge just before my car accident (I had done day1 week1). I rested for a week, then was back into Roller Derby training and did D2W1 of C25K. I was finding that my legs were getting pretty sore at around the 14 min mark. Today I did D3W1 and totally aced it :-D I think the difference was I spent 10mins on the stationary bike, then I went and stretched out my legs, then I did 10mins brisk walk as warm up before starting the interval training. I got to the mid point and felt really good, so began increasing the speed of the jog sections, from 7km/hr up to 8km/hr. Handled it well and completed the session, but decided to keep going. I ended up doing 4kms in 40mins, which I think is pretty good for someone who is not a runner.
Been chatting to G lately. He is 38, has shared care of 2 boys and seems like a nice, straight forward kind of guy. He was adopted, has one younger sister, both his adoptive parents have passed away (he does not know his biological parents). He was raised by his dad from when he was 13. We have talked on the phone a fair bit and today I met him in person. I liked him ok, he was talkative and seems uncomplicated, although he was a bit forward. If someone asked me to use one word to describe him I would say 'solid'. Not flighty, not moody, not intense. He is passionate about his boys.
Looks like I am 'doing' Christmas this year. I thought it would be a joint thing between mum and me, but that does not seem to be how it is turning out. Money is incredibly tight this year, so it looks like there will be a family present for me and the boys and then I will get them something little each. Teen's birthday is in January, so I will make that a bit more special. I think this is the only time when I miss the income of full-time work. Time to get creative.
I wrote off the car though. I came out of a roundabout in the wet and the back end fishtailed, I panicked, hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ended up putting the car through a shop window. I came out of it ok, I ended up with a sore neck and back but x-rays ruled out any damage.
Maybe I should write that letter...
I now have a Toyota Camry a few years older than my last car, but low km's and good interior and boot space. I took it for a drive to Sydney recently and it handled it really well.
I got my P plates for my motorbike...YAY!!! The testing day was pretty stressful and I just scraped through, but I got it :-)
I started doing the Couch to 5km (C25K) challenge just before my car accident (I had done day1 week1). I rested for a week, then was back into Roller Derby training and did D2W1 of C25K. I was finding that my legs were getting pretty sore at around the 14 min mark. Today I did D3W1 and totally aced it :-D I think the difference was I spent 10mins on the stationary bike, then I went and stretched out my legs, then I did 10mins brisk walk as warm up before starting the interval training. I got to the mid point and felt really good, so began increasing the speed of the jog sections, from 7km/hr up to 8km/hr. Handled it well and completed the session, but decided to keep going. I ended up doing 4kms in 40mins, which I think is pretty good for someone who is not a runner.
Been chatting to G lately. He is 38, has shared care of 2 boys and seems like a nice, straight forward kind of guy. He was adopted, has one younger sister, both his adoptive parents have passed away (he does not know his biological parents). He was raised by his dad from when he was 13. We have talked on the phone a fair bit and today I met him in person. I liked him ok, he was talkative and seems uncomplicated, although he was a bit forward. If someone asked me to use one word to describe him I would say 'solid'. Not flighty, not moody, not intense. He is passionate about his boys.
Looks like I am 'doing' Christmas this year. I thought it would be a joint thing between mum and me, but that does not seem to be how it is turning out. Money is incredibly tight this year, so it looks like there will be a family present for me and the boys and then I will get them something little each. Teen's birthday is in January, so I will make that a bit more special. I think this is the only time when I miss the income of full-time work. Time to get creative.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Disturbed
I am feeling very unsettled and emotional today.
Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.
I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.
As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.
After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.
This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.
Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.
I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.
As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.
After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.
This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.
rollercoaster
have had some upbeat moments, but generally I am still on a downslope. Feeling negative about my body, feeling negative about my relationships with people, just generally sitting under a black cloud.
I know it will pass, it just sucks when it is around because it makes me very unmotivated and lazy.
:-(
I know it will pass, it just sucks when it is around because it makes me very unmotivated and lazy.
:-(
Monday, October 26, 2009
not impressed
On a downer today, not a big one and I know it will pass.
Was slightly embarrassed by my mother yesterday. We had a family BBQ (which she organised knowing full well I had other plans that day). Anyway, she had invited my uncle and his kids along. My uncle runs a market stall in Sydney that focuses on organic and eco friendly products. My mother told me a week or so ago that she had spoken to my uncle about the Amigurumi I had been working on and that he was interested in seeing them and maybe putting them on his stall. So I made sure I had 5 ready and labeled and brought them with me to the BBQ. When I mentioned them to my uncle he looked a little confused. I asked him if mum had spoken to him about them and he said no and that it was not the kind of thing he would have on his stall as it is not in keeping with his other products. I was not bothered by this, but I was very annoyed with mum.
One of my brothers, the oldest, did not come to the BBQ. He does not talk to my uncle and at the moment he does not talk to one of the other bro's either. So he felt no guilt over not coming, it would have been unpleasant for him and he sees mum at least once a week anyway. When I spoke to him about it after the BBQ he told me mum had rung him that morning and used the line that he should come because it could be our last family BBQ. My bro just told her not to play that game with him. I have no idea how she took it because I managed to avoid having to have a big long discussion with her about why this bro had not come.
I get annoyed with her for manipulating people. For telling lies. For being a hypocrite. For bitching about everyone behind their backs. I spoke to my youngest bro about having to change my plans and he asked me why I came. I told him it was because it was important to mum and if I had not come she would have bitched about me behind my back about it.
This kind of behaviour irritates me. I would only put up with it from family, if friends behaved like this then they would not be friends for long.
sigh
Was slightly embarrassed by my mother yesterday. We had a family BBQ (which she organised knowing full well I had other plans that day). Anyway, she had invited my uncle and his kids along. My uncle runs a market stall in Sydney that focuses on organic and eco friendly products. My mother told me a week or so ago that she had spoken to my uncle about the Amigurumi I had been working on and that he was interested in seeing them and maybe putting them on his stall. So I made sure I had 5 ready and labeled and brought them with me to the BBQ. When I mentioned them to my uncle he looked a little confused. I asked him if mum had spoken to him about them and he said no and that it was not the kind of thing he would have on his stall as it is not in keeping with his other products. I was not bothered by this, but I was very annoyed with mum.
One of my brothers, the oldest, did not come to the BBQ. He does not talk to my uncle and at the moment he does not talk to one of the other bro's either. So he felt no guilt over not coming, it would have been unpleasant for him and he sees mum at least once a week anyway. When I spoke to him about it after the BBQ he told me mum had rung him that morning and used the line that he should come because it could be our last family BBQ. My bro just told her not to play that game with him. I have no idea how she took it because I managed to avoid having to have a big long discussion with her about why this bro had not come.
I get annoyed with her for manipulating people. For telling lies. For being a hypocrite. For bitching about everyone behind their backs. I spoke to my youngest bro about having to change my plans and he asked me why I came. I told him it was because it was important to mum and if I had not come she would have bitched about me behind my back about it.
This kind of behaviour irritates me. I would only put up with it from family, if friends behaved like this then they would not be friends for long.
sigh
Saturday, October 24, 2009
omg, so much exercise!!
I have discovered I like exercise...well, as much as you can like something that makes you sore and sweaty lol. After Roller Derby I feel...awesome. Tired and sore, but awesome. I used to feel the same when I went for my early morning walk/run.
Played my first game of softball today. Did not have much of an idea of the rules, but was able to hit the ball and run. I spent the fielding part of the game as the catcher and actually liked it, except the leg pads chafed the back of my knees pretty badly, and the ball hit my thumb a couple of times and its all bruised. But for the most part I managed to catch the ball and my throwing was generally good. We lost by 7 runs, which I thought was a pretty good effort considering we only had 7 players and half of us had never played before.
I have been thinking about doing the Couch to 5K challenge. I am starting pole dance (lol, but I thought 'why not?') classes on Wednesdays, so I am wondering if maybe that is a bit much. At the moment my schedule is...
Monday - Karate (1 1/2 hrs, moderate to intense)
Tuesday - Beach Booty Camp with the Derby Girls (1 hr, intense)
Wednesday - Dance (1 hr, intense) and Softball training (1 hr, moderate)
Thursday - Free
Friday - Roller Derby (2 hrs, intense)
Saturday - Softball (1 1/2 hrs, moderate)
Sunday - Roller Derby (3 hrs, intense)
That is 11 hrs of training per week. In 6 weeks I have gone from nothing to this!!! And yet I look at it and think that yes, I could do the C25K challenge. Knowing my recovery time for the other activities I would do it on a Monday or Tuesday, Thurs, and Friday. hmmm, I think I will wait and see how I go with the dance classes, maybe what I do already is more than enough.
Weight loss - well, I put on 3 kgs while working for the gov....grrr, but 4 months of sitting on your butt will do that and I am lucky that is all I put on. Scales had not moved for weeks so I measured last week instead and again today and have lost 4cms overall in the last 5 days. So then I weighed again and had lost 1.5kgs, so I am pleased to finally see that needle shifting again. Aiming for a loss of 10kgs and if I keep up this level of training (and make a couple of changes to my diet) I am pretty confident I will get there. Christmas is 9 weeks away, so there is a good chance I will reach my goal by then.
Work is going fine, I have one more training session to go and then I have been offered 9.5 hrs per week. Happy about that. I have a job interview with a child care centre next week for a casual job, hoping I get it as it will tie in well with uni. If I get it I will work both jobs for a while, see whether I am happy with the hours, and then decide what to do next.
Life is good. I am content.
Played my first game of softball today. Did not have much of an idea of the rules, but was able to hit the ball and run. I spent the fielding part of the game as the catcher and actually liked it, except the leg pads chafed the back of my knees pretty badly, and the ball hit my thumb a couple of times and its all bruised. But for the most part I managed to catch the ball and my throwing was generally good. We lost by 7 runs, which I thought was a pretty good effort considering we only had 7 players and half of us had never played before.
I have been thinking about doing the Couch to 5K challenge. I am starting pole dance (lol, but I thought 'why not?') classes on Wednesdays, so I am wondering if maybe that is a bit much. At the moment my schedule is...
Monday - Karate (1 1/2 hrs, moderate to intense)
Tuesday - Beach Booty Camp with the Derby Girls (1 hr, intense)
Wednesday - Dance (1 hr, intense) and Softball training (1 hr, moderate)
Thursday - Free
Friday - Roller Derby (2 hrs, intense)
Saturday - Softball (1 1/2 hrs, moderate)
Sunday - Roller Derby (3 hrs, intense)
That is 11 hrs of training per week. In 6 weeks I have gone from nothing to this!!! And yet I look at it and think that yes, I could do the C25K challenge. Knowing my recovery time for the other activities I would do it on a Monday or Tuesday, Thurs, and Friday. hmmm, I think I will wait and see how I go with the dance classes, maybe what I do already is more than enough.
Weight loss - well, I put on 3 kgs while working for the gov....grrr, but 4 months of sitting on your butt will do that and I am lucky that is all I put on. Scales had not moved for weeks so I measured last week instead and again today and have lost 4cms overall in the last 5 days. So then I weighed again and had lost 1.5kgs, so I am pleased to finally see that needle shifting again. Aiming for a loss of 10kgs and if I keep up this level of training (and make a couple of changes to my diet) I am pretty confident I will get there. Christmas is 9 weeks away, so there is a good chance I will reach my goal by then.
Work is going fine, I have one more training session to go and then I have been offered 9.5 hrs per week. Happy about that. I have a job interview with a child care centre next week for a casual job, hoping I get it as it will tie in well with uni. If I get it I will work both jobs for a while, see whether I am happy with the hours, and then decide what to do next.
Life is good. I am content.
Monday, October 19, 2009
no worries...mate :-)
Well, the day before I was leaving for my besties I got a call from Baker's Delight asking me to come in for an interview the following week. Came back from my holiday on the Monday, had the interview on the Tuesday morning, got the call Tuesday afternoon asking me to start on Wednesday :-).
I have now done two trial shifts - 2 1/2 hrs on the Wednesday and 2 hrs today. My next shift is on Thursday and is 3 hrs. So far they seem happy with me. The work is casual and will be a max of 16hrs a week. I am actually finding that I quite like that idea. The pay is less than what I was on in my previous job, but it is enough to keep us above water and that is all I am looking for right now. Kind of makes me wish I had taken the casual library job when I first moved here, but I was not in the financial or mental position at the time to not have a permanent full-time job. Now I am over working full-time and have had quite a change in direction mentally, enough that being in a casual job really does not bother me. The work itself is not difficult, but it can get quite busy and that can make things challenging. Better than cleaning, that's for damn sure.
I liked being home for the kids this afternoon when they got home for school. I collected toddler from day care and took them all to the beach. A month ago I could not have done that and I love that I can (and the beach is free!). We had a lovely hour and a half down there before coming home to make hamburgers and cookies. It was a great afternoon.
I am loving Roller Derby. It challenges me physically and I really do love to be challenged :-) I have noticed improvement in my skating skills every time I have gone to training and it really gets me pumped up and keeps me keen to keep going. I am not at the level where I can participate in a Derby bout, but I think I will be by the new year.
I also love how passionate the Derby girls are about their sport. They love it and it really shows. I like these girls, they are feisty and fun and noisy. New friends!
I love having my boys home.
I have now done two trial shifts - 2 1/2 hrs on the Wednesday and 2 hrs today. My next shift is on Thursday and is 3 hrs. So far they seem happy with me. The work is casual and will be a max of 16hrs a week. I am actually finding that I quite like that idea. The pay is less than what I was on in my previous job, but it is enough to keep us above water and that is all I am looking for right now. Kind of makes me wish I had taken the casual library job when I first moved here, but I was not in the financial or mental position at the time to not have a permanent full-time job. Now I am over working full-time and have had quite a change in direction mentally, enough that being in a casual job really does not bother me. The work itself is not difficult, but it can get quite busy and that can make things challenging. Better than cleaning, that's for damn sure.
I liked being home for the kids this afternoon when they got home for school. I collected toddler from day care and took them all to the beach. A month ago I could not have done that and I love that I can (and the beach is free!). We had a lovely hour and a half down there before coming home to make hamburgers and cookies. It was a great afternoon.
I am loving Roller Derby. It challenges me physically and I really do love to be challenged :-) I have noticed improvement in my skating skills every time I have gone to training and it really gets me pumped up and keeps me keen to keep going. I am not at the level where I can participate in a Derby bout, but I think I will be by the new year.
I also love how passionate the Derby girls are about their sport. They love it and it really shows. I like these girls, they are feisty and fun and noisy. New friends!
I love having my boys home.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Hypocrisy
The Parramatta Eels lost BOO HOO!! They have not won a grand final since 1986 :-(
My birthday party was fun. Had a couple of my bro's and their mates over for drinks on the Saturday night. We'd had plans to go clubbing later, but my foot was still giving me a lot of grief so I said I wasn't going and they decided they wouldn't either. We decorated my house with disco balls and sparkly things hanging form the ceiling, and set up strobe lights and disco lights. It looked very cool.
We drank Pina Coladas and Mango and Strawberry Daiquiris. We also drank a bottle of vodka and some red wine. We played Guitar Hero and Sing Star and had a good giggle at how we sounded. All in all a good night.
this is the day after the accident
My birthday party was fun. Had a couple of my bro's and their mates over for drinks on the Saturday night. We'd had plans to go clubbing later, but my foot was still giving me a lot of grief so I said I wasn't going and they decided they wouldn't either. We decorated my house with disco balls and sparkly things hanging form the ceiling, and set up strobe lights and disco lights. It looked very cool.
We drank Pina Coladas and Mango and Strawberry Daiquiris. We also drank a bottle of vodka and some red wine. We played Guitar Hero and Sing Star and had a good giggle at how we sounded. All in all a good night.
Hypocrisy. My mother is terribly guilty of this act and it frustrates me to no end. I sit and listen to her tell me how she has lectured one of my brothers on how important it is to accept people the way they are, and how you should accept that people have bad days and won't always have a smile for you...all this while she complains about how my bro does this or that, or how he did not greet her with a smile on a particular day etc etc. It also brought to mind an incident from a few years ago when we worked together. She had a go at me because I had not turned up to work with a big smile on my face (this is before opening hours, so she was the only one bothered by it) and when I told her that there were some days I just did not feel like smiling, she told me to get over it. It is difficult to listen to her go on and on when she is guilty of the very things she lectures others about.
She is showing favouritism between my brothers and I am disgusted by it. She claims it is because the middle bro is being so difficult, but I actually think half of his attitude towards her stems from being hurt that she treats him differently to the youngest bro, who she treats like her little 'sweetie'. For example, the younger two boys have moved out of home. So my mum packs up sheets and towels and plates etc for the youngest, but complains when the other helps himself, which he does after he sees that mum has given the youngest some stuff. What does she really expect?
I believe I show no favouritism. Regardless of what they all say about each other, my bro's are my bro's and are all different. I like bits about them, and don't like bits about them. I don't care if my mum has an opinion about it, I think she tries to play us all off against each other and I ignore her manipulations. I try to be open-minded and accepting of their choices, their mistakes are theirs to make and learn from.
I was discussing my mother's behaviour towards my bro's with a friend last night. Her mother has behaved much the same towards her. I daresay if I had stayed home long enough my mother would have done it to me too. My mother's opinion is that she was kicked out of home with nothing and so why should she help the boys, and yet with her actions she helps the youngest but does little for the middle. I hope I never behave towards my kids the way she has behaved.
The older bro has defended me when mum has attacked my parenting skills. We have discussed it in the car and he has said to me that he can see that I love my kids, that my kids know this, and that I have a good relationship with them. He told me that he wishes mum had done even half of that with all of us. It has not been until recently that mum has even said 'I love you' to me...that is 30 odd years of me not hearing those words from my mother. Our relationship was terrible up until about 7 yrs ago, then we managed to find a common interest in patchwork and build from there.
Parents make mistakes, there is no question of that. We muddle through as best we can, hoping that our kids will turn out ok regardless. There is no manual for parenting, no true guidance except that which we have experienced ourselves coupled with a willingness to learn from what others have done, or not done, as the case may be.
I had a slight bike accident nearly a week ago, where I dropped my bike (it hit a slight kerb and stopped unexpectedly). I burnt the inside of my leg on my bike's exhaust and it is healing, but slowly.
She is showing favouritism between my brothers and I am disgusted by it. She claims it is because the middle bro is being so difficult, but I actually think half of his attitude towards her stems from being hurt that she treats him differently to the youngest bro, who she treats like her little 'sweetie'. For example, the younger two boys have moved out of home. So my mum packs up sheets and towels and plates etc for the youngest, but complains when the other helps himself, which he does after he sees that mum has given the youngest some stuff. What does she really expect?
I believe I show no favouritism. Regardless of what they all say about each other, my bro's are my bro's and are all different. I like bits about them, and don't like bits about them. I don't care if my mum has an opinion about it, I think she tries to play us all off against each other and I ignore her manipulations. I try to be open-minded and accepting of their choices, their mistakes are theirs to make and learn from.
I was discussing my mother's behaviour towards my bro's with a friend last night. Her mother has behaved much the same towards her. I daresay if I had stayed home long enough my mother would have done it to me too. My mother's opinion is that she was kicked out of home with nothing and so why should she help the boys, and yet with her actions she helps the youngest but does little for the middle. I hope I never behave towards my kids the way she has behaved.
The older bro has defended me when mum has attacked my parenting skills. We have discussed it in the car and he has said to me that he can see that I love my kids, that my kids know this, and that I have a good relationship with them. He told me that he wishes mum had done even half of that with all of us. It has not been until recently that mum has even said 'I love you' to me...that is 30 odd years of me not hearing those words from my mother. Our relationship was terrible up until about 7 yrs ago, then we managed to find a common interest in patchwork and build from there.
Parents make mistakes, there is no question of that. We muddle through as best we can, hoping that our kids will turn out ok regardless. There is no manual for parenting, no true guidance except that which we have experienced ourselves coupled with a willingness to learn from what others have done, or not done, as the case may be.
I had a slight bike accident nearly a week ago, where I dropped my bike (it hit a slight kerb and stopped unexpectedly). I burnt the inside of my leg on my bike's exhaust and it is healing, but slowly.
this is the day after the accident
It kind of looks worse now, at day 5, because it is healing. All that pink area blistered up, then partly peeled away, and the open wound is red now. The bruises are fading, I think they came from the foot pegs hitting my leg. I am not going to post a newer photo because it grosses me out, and I don't want to do that to you :-P
Had a ball at Roller Derby recently, my skating skills are really improving.
I have had a few guys try to pick me up/ask for my number recently. It is very flattering, but I have refused, simply because I am not interested. Nice to know there is hope for me in the real world tho :-)
Had a ball at Roller Derby recently, my skating skills are really improving.
I have had a few guys try to pick me up/ask for my number recently. It is very flattering, but I have refused, simply because I am not interested. Nice to know there is hope for me in the real world tho :-)
Sunday, October 4, 2009
What a Year it Has Been
Well, I know that this blog has been going for more than a year, but it is a couple of days past a year that my X-H and I 'officially' went our separate ways, and it is a year since I met D, and it is a year since I began my journey of self-discovery.
And what a year it has been. A year of joy and laughter, of emotional and physical highs and lows. A year where I learnt things about myself that I had forgotten, and things that I never knew. A year in which I took time to smell the roses, then raced to beat the clock.
It has been an unforgettable time of my life, and in talking about it with others I have inspired one or two to begin their own journey.
I know that my journey of self-discovery has not ended, not by any means. Nor do I want it to end. Confronting myself has enabled me to become genuinely confident, more likely to put myself out there to try something or to meet someone new. That is not to say that I do not have my moments of hanging back and observing, but where is the fun in that?
I am glad to say that I still like myself. That I have made some interesting choices this year, but none that I really regret. That I feel more solid within myself. Even though there has been points where I felt like I would dissolve into nothingness, I have still come out the other side.
I will never, ever regret meeting D. I still believe he is my soul's other half, but I do not need him in my life as a partner. I do believe that a soul mate is a 'person' with whom you have a deep connection, regardless of whether they are male or female, or human for that matter. So I still love D, with all his faults. I do not mind that I love him, I do not mind that he is not my partner, I do not mind that he lives his life and I live mine. We are in touch and that is enough for me. I have come a long way mentally since I met him. I will forever treasure those few weeks in the beginning where anything was a possibility.
I am missing my children. X-H unexpectedly took them on holidays a week earlier (and therefore for a week longer) and I was not mentally ready to say goodbye. I have wandered aimlessly around the house a bit, but have also been quite productive too, simply to keep boredom and loneliness at bay. I have spoken to them on the phone, but it is their kisses and cuddles and neediness that I miss.
Took Teen to the optometrist before he went away and he now needs glasses. He is short-sighted like me, but only a little. Well, enough to have him squinting to read things. He also needs root canal work apparently, X-H took Teen to the dentist a couple of days after they went away, because Teen had a bad toothache, and the dentist announced that one of Teen's molars is screwed. The Dentist got Teen sorted out temporarily so I can deal with it when he gets home.
No work as yet, I have applied for 5 jobs. I am leaving applying for a cleaning job to the last minute as it is my last resort. I am going away to my best friends house on Thursday, for a week, so if I hear nothing between now and then I guess I will apply for a cleaning job when I get back. I just need to have a little bit more money coming in.
I am watching Melbourne Storm play Parramatta Eels (Rugby League). It is the only game I have watched all season, this is the grand final (WOO! go Parra!!!!). I have been 'following' Parramatta Eels since I was about 10 yrs old. A friend and I used to make friendship bands in the team colours and one day I just decided that the Gold and Blue of Parra was my favourite and so I have followed them since.
And what a year it has been. A year of joy and laughter, of emotional and physical highs and lows. A year where I learnt things about myself that I had forgotten, and things that I never knew. A year in which I took time to smell the roses, then raced to beat the clock.
It has been an unforgettable time of my life, and in talking about it with others I have inspired one or two to begin their own journey.
I know that my journey of self-discovery has not ended, not by any means. Nor do I want it to end. Confronting myself has enabled me to become genuinely confident, more likely to put myself out there to try something or to meet someone new. That is not to say that I do not have my moments of hanging back and observing, but where is the fun in that?
I am glad to say that I still like myself. That I have made some interesting choices this year, but none that I really regret. That I feel more solid within myself. Even though there has been points where I felt like I would dissolve into nothingness, I have still come out the other side.
I will never, ever regret meeting D. I still believe he is my soul's other half, but I do not need him in my life as a partner. I do believe that a soul mate is a 'person' with whom you have a deep connection, regardless of whether they are male or female, or human for that matter. So I still love D, with all his faults. I do not mind that I love him, I do not mind that he is not my partner, I do not mind that he lives his life and I live mine. We are in touch and that is enough for me. I have come a long way mentally since I met him. I will forever treasure those few weeks in the beginning where anything was a possibility.
I am missing my children. X-H unexpectedly took them on holidays a week earlier (and therefore for a week longer) and I was not mentally ready to say goodbye. I have wandered aimlessly around the house a bit, but have also been quite productive too, simply to keep boredom and loneliness at bay. I have spoken to them on the phone, but it is their kisses and cuddles and neediness that I miss.
Took Teen to the optometrist before he went away and he now needs glasses. He is short-sighted like me, but only a little. Well, enough to have him squinting to read things. He also needs root canal work apparently, X-H took Teen to the dentist a couple of days after they went away, because Teen had a bad toothache, and the dentist announced that one of Teen's molars is screwed. The Dentist got Teen sorted out temporarily so I can deal with it when he gets home.
No work as yet, I have applied for 5 jobs. I am leaving applying for a cleaning job to the last minute as it is my last resort. I am going away to my best friends house on Thursday, for a week, so if I hear nothing between now and then I guess I will apply for a cleaning job when I get back. I just need to have a little bit more money coming in.
I am watching Melbourne Storm play Parramatta Eels (Rugby League). It is the only game I have watched all season, this is the grand final (WOO! go Parra!!!!). I have been 'following' Parramatta Eels since I was about 10 yrs old. A friend and I used to make friendship bands in the team colours and one day I just decided that the Gold and Blue of Parra was my favourite and so I have followed them since.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Time to tighten the Belt
I fell badly on my first night at Roller Derby and sprained my ankle, well I think I sprained it, since I have never done that before I am not sure what it looks like. I still have bruising and swelling 5 days later, so damage was done anyway. Was pretty annoyed because I had been skating quite well for an hour and was just trying to get out of the way of the more experienced skaters. No exercise at all since Friday night.
Having a funny kind of day today. Feeling emotional. I finish up at my job tomorrow, and have no feelings about that as such, but I sat and did my budget today and was horrified to find that once I finish at work my outgoing will be greater than my incoming. I said to my colleague that I have no choice but to find some work to make up the gap.
Feeling frustrated about my foot.
Feeling tired and a little lonely.
Feeling jealous.
Trying to feel a little silly so the negatives don't weigh me down.
Afraid of being bored.
Afraid that boredom will have me saying yes to things I do not really want to do, just to fill time.
Wondering how the hell I am going to keep my head above water till there is some money coming in.
Oh, don't get me wrong, bills are paid in time and rent is weeks in advance, so I have things I can fall back on if need be, but that is really for emergency situations. But I hate thinking that I may have to rely on that at some point. I like feeling financially secure.
Ok, so you could say 'cut back, surely there is stuff there that can be got rid of' - yeh, like Karate and Roller Derby and Child Care - but I can easily justify keeping all of those things.
sigh...maybe I will have to try and get some cleaning work. Good Exercise =D
Teen is in trouble at school again for misbehaviour in the classroom. What the hell do I do?
The other two boys are fine.
My birthday shortly. I will be 32. I am told I look about 25 yrs old, so that will do me for now. Having dinner with my mum and my boys and one bro on Fri, then on Sat I am having a BBQ and drinks with friends and my other two bros. Might go clubbing after, but will have to see how my ankle is.
I asked my mum to buy me a saucepan and I asked the ex-H to organise the boys to buy me a new handbag.
Happy Birthday to me.
Having a funny kind of day today. Feeling emotional. I finish up at my job tomorrow, and have no feelings about that as such, but I sat and did my budget today and was horrified to find that once I finish at work my outgoing will be greater than my incoming. I said to my colleague that I have no choice but to find some work to make up the gap.
Feeling frustrated about my foot.
Feeling tired and a little lonely.
Feeling jealous.
Trying to feel a little silly so the negatives don't weigh me down.
Afraid of being bored.
Afraid that boredom will have me saying yes to things I do not really want to do, just to fill time.
Wondering how the hell I am going to keep my head above water till there is some money coming in.
Oh, don't get me wrong, bills are paid in time and rent is weeks in advance, so I have things I can fall back on if need be, but that is really for emergency situations. But I hate thinking that I may have to rely on that at some point. I like feeling financially secure.
Ok, so you could say 'cut back, surely there is stuff there that can be got rid of' - yeh, like Karate and Roller Derby and Child Care - but I can easily justify keeping all of those things.
sigh...maybe I will have to try and get some cleaning work. Good Exercise =D
Teen is in trouble at school again for misbehaviour in the classroom. What the hell do I do?
The other two boys are fine.
My birthday shortly. I will be 32. I am told I look about 25 yrs old, so that will do me for now. Having dinner with my mum and my boys and one bro on Fri, then on Sat I am having a BBQ and drinks with friends and my other two bros. Might go clubbing after, but will have to see how my ankle is.
I asked my mum to buy me a saucepan and I asked the ex-H to organise the boys to buy me a new handbag.
Happy Birthday to me.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It gets to me at times
Sometimes I am disturbed by the enquiries I have to handle in my job. Once, I had to talk to a woman who was experiencing emotional abuse, another time it was a woman whose son had died. Today it was a woman whose daughter was a young mum who had shown herself incapable of caring for her baby. The woman had taken in her grand daughter, but was now trying to make a decision about how to handle what her daughter was doing. I got off the phone and felt very very grateful I did not have a daughter.
I was a challenging teenager. I had left home by the time I was 14, to live with my older boyfriend. We had a baby together when I was 15, the baby boy died of meningitis. I had a second son, my now Teen, to the same man when I was 18, however we had gone our separate ways by the time Teen was born (my boyfriend was abusive and I had to get out).
I lost another son after No. 2 was born. I had gotten pregnant again unexpectedly, when No.2 was only a few months old, but miscarried when I was 5 months pregnant. I then lost another future baby the same year I fell pregnant with Toddler.
So the loss of children gets to me. Domestic violence cases get to me. Teen daughters who do the wrong thing by their family get to me.
I am ever grateful for the children I do have. I am thankful I had the strength to leave a man who only wanted to hurt me. I am glad that I do not have a daughter to fear for.
I have become good friends with one of my colleagues. We sit together and chat through out the day. We discuss our enquiries, assist each other with work, and share little bits of info about our family and our lives. Today at lunch she let me know that once we finish our contracts she is going into hospital for a while. I asked her why and she told me it was for depression. My heart ached for her. I would describe her as fragile. She is my age. We have lived incredibly different lives. She admires my strength and independence (I told her that it was not always a good thing to be so independent, that it is nice to lean on someone now and then). I envy her impeccable style, her freedom to travel, her life experiences have been so very different to my own.
I don't know why it is that people are so incredibly different in the way they cope with things.
I asked her if I could come and visit her in hospital, she said yes. I told her maybe I could turn up in my roller skates and do a demo for her. Or we could put her in a wheel chair and have races up and down the corridors! She laughed and I was so glad to see that smile. I shared with her my own experience of depression, I wanted her to know that I have felt the blackness, that I know how it can consume you and make you wonder why you even bother with life at all.
I miss D. Every day. I miss his smell, his touch, his smile. I think of him every day and wonder how he is. I hear from him now and then.
I do NOT miss D2.
Toddler is quite happy pottering along with his toilet training. I wish it had been this easy with No.2, mind you, it probably would have been if Ex-H and I hadn't stressed out so much about getting it 'right'. Lessons learnt hmmm.
Teen got into a fight the other day (it consisted of one punch each, the end, lol). Apparently the kid had been giving Teen a hard time and Teen bopped him one. I was ok with the whole thing, it sounds like it was justified and it did not get out of control.
No.2 has discovered Harry Potter books and has read 3 of them in 4 weeks. I am incredibly impressed.
My bro's have pretty much moved out of mum's place, in that they are not staying there anymore, but their gear is still there for now. They are going to share a place together and are moving into it next week.
I love music.
Went out clubbing with one of my bro's on the weekend. I danced non-stop for 3 hours, with my bro and one of his mates and a girl friend. I loved the music mostly, but they played one song 4 times, possibly they hoped everyone was drunk enough not to notice. I wasn't really drinking, so I noticed and was annoyed by it. I was exhausted by the time I got home (3am), but only had a couple of hours sleep before getting up and pottering around for the day. I felt ok, I was more tired the next day after I had had a decent nights sleep. My feet and knees hurt badly though, I blame that on my gorgeous high-heeled calf high boots, and I daresay I will suffer again.
me ready to go out...yes, my hair IS in piggy tails :-)
It is my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am having a bit of a party here at home. Should be fun.
Starting Roller Derby this Friday. Very excited about it. Training is twice a week. So between that and Karate and Softball (I sign up for that tomorrow) I will be doing a sport 5 days a week (Karate training is once a week, Roller Derby is twice, Softball is once, plus one game). I think I will lose about 10kgs by Xmas.
I was a challenging teenager. I had left home by the time I was 14, to live with my older boyfriend. We had a baby together when I was 15, the baby boy died of meningitis. I had a second son, my now Teen, to the same man when I was 18, however we had gone our separate ways by the time Teen was born (my boyfriend was abusive and I had to get out).
I lost another son after No. 2 was born. I had gotten pregnant again unexpectedly, when No.2 was only a few months old, but miscarried when I was 5 months pregnant. I then lost another future baby the same year I fell pregnant with Toddler.
So the loss of children gets to me. Domestic violence cases get to me. Teen daughters who do the wrong thing by their family get to me.
I am ever grateful for the children I do have. I am thankful I had the strength to leave a man who only wanted to hurt me. I am glad that I do not have a daughter to fear for.
I have become good friends with one of my colleagues. We sit together and chat through out the day. We discuss our enquiries, assist each other with work, and share little bits of info about our family and our lives. Today at lunch she let me know that once we finish our contracts she is going into hospital for a while. I asked her why and she told me it was for depression. My heart ached for her. I would describe her as fragile. She is my age. We have lived incredibly different lives. She admires my strength and independence (I told her that it was not always a good thing to be so independent, that it is nice to lean on someone now and then). I envy her impeccable style, her freedom to travel, her life experiences have been so very different to my own.
I don't know why it is that people are so incredibly different in the way they cope with things.
I asked her if I could come and visit her in hospital, she said yes. I told her maybe I could turn up in my roller skates and do a demo for her. Or we could put her in a wheel chair and have races up and down the corridors! She laughed and I was so glad to see that smile. I shared with her my own experience of depression, I wanted her to know that I have felt the blackness, that I know how it can consume you and make you wonder why you even bother with life at all.
I miss D. Every day. I miss his smell, his touch, his smile. I think of him every day and wonder how he is. I hear from him now and then.
I do NOT miss D2.
Toddler is quite happy pottering along with his toilet training. I wish it had been this easy with No.2, mind you, it probably would have been if Ex-H and I hadn't stressed out so much about getting it 'right'. Lessons learnt hmmm.
Teen got into a fight the other day (it consisted of one punch each, the end, lol). Apparently the kid had been giving Teen a hard time and Teen bopped him one. I was ok with the whole thing, it sounds like it was justified and it did not get out of control.
No.2 has discovered Harry Potter books and has read 3 of them in 4 weeks. I am incredibly impressed.
My bro's have pretty much moved out of mum's place, in that they are not staying there anymore, but their gear is still there for now. They are going to share a place together and are moving into it next week.
I love music.
Went out clubbing with one of my bro's on the weekend. I danced non-stop for 3 hours, with my bro and one of his mates and a girl friend. I loved the music mostly, but they played one song 4 times, possibly they hoped everyone was drunk enough not to notice. I wasn't really drinking, so I noticed and was annoyed by it. I was exhausted by the time I got home (3am), but only had a couple of hours sleep before getting up and pottering around for the day. I felt ok, I was more tired the next day after I had had a decent nights sleep. My feet and knees hurt badly though, I blame that on my gorgeous high-heeled calf high boots, and I daresay I will suffer again.
me ready to go out...yes, my hair IS in piggy tails :-)
It is my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am having a bit of a party here at home. Should be fun.
Starting Roller Derby this Friday. Very excited about it. Training is twice a week. So between that and Karate and Softball (I sign up for that tomorrow) I will be doing a sport 5 days a week (Karate training is once a week, Roller Derby is twice, Softball is once, plus one game). I think I will lose about 10kgs by Xmas.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I have had better days
The weekend was as busy as I expected it to be. I did not get the lawn mowed and my friend did not come over, but that was just as well cos I was pretty flat out. I got some lovely gardening done, got some veges into my back garden and weeded my front garden and got some mulch down. A bro and I painted the room at mum's and got it completely finished, so we were pretty happy about that. Next week I think we will be ripping up the carpet and replacing it with lino.
Had an unsettling dream last night. I was dreaming that I had gone back to high school and was studying maths and science but for some reason I had never started studying english or geography or history and all of a sudden exams were about to start and someone told me I should have been studying those other subjects. In the dream I was freaking out because I was afraid I was going to fail. I woke up before any thing was resolved and sat there considering how much I fear failure.
I do not like to fail. It is something that has come up for me before but I do not usually dream about it. I don't know why it has come up now. I am not happy about not being awesome at my job, but I don't love it anyway. I don't love that I am single, but I understand now why it is better that I am, at least for now. But I have not failed at these things. I don't know what to think. Maybe God just wants me to be aware of my fear.
I got the contraceptive implant in last week. It hurt alot after the local anaesthetic wore off. Why did I have it done? Well, I am over being on the Pill when I am not getting any sex, why would I want to remember to take a pill that is wasted on me. Plus I was getting a bit of discomfit with it. The implant is 3 yrs of contraception, so regardless of what happens I am safe from getting pregnant for that amount of time. I would prefer to be protected than not. The Doc told me that one of the side effects was increased chance of depression or mood swings. I was a bit concerned about that because I already susceptible, but after a week I am feeling fine, better than when I was on the Pill.
Oh, I had blood tests done last week too, because I am so damn tired all the time. It turns out I am very low in Vit B12. So I am back on my B Vit Supplements, which I have been taking off and on for the last year. I also boiled some eggs and will eat them with my lunch. I do not drink milk, it makes me feel yucky, but I am happy to eat meat. Probably should eat liver but that stuff is disgusting. My cholesterol is also too high, I need to stop eating so much chocolate.
Rang mum up today to ask to borrow her lawn mower. She started crying while we were talking because one of my bro's, who lives at home, has been giving her a hard time. We all think he should move out. Mum said he won't move out until she has paid him back some money she owes him. I offered to lend her the money to pay him back and as I made that offer I felt like crying. It is coming from money I am saving to buy a house. It is the third time I have tried to build up a nest egg and it seems like every time I get a bit of money together, something important comes up and I have to use some or all of it. So I was feeling a bit upset about that, but still made the offer because my bro needs to move out. My mum is really unwell and he is being a shit. I am worried she won't make it to Christmas if he stays. I know she will pay me back when she can.
I have put in a uni application. I have applied to do a Teaching degree that will allow me to teach 0-12 yr olds and also work as a teacher-librarian. It is about 4 yrs of study, but it will give me added quals and will enable me to be around for the kids and mum. No idea if I will work between now and when the course starts, guess I am just playing it by ear.
D2 posted recently that he was going on a date. I messaged him and told him I was happy for him, which I genuinely am. The day after the date he posted on his Facebook that he has never been happier. I felt incredibly insulted by that remark. Just 3 weeks ago he was professing his undying love for me, and now...now he has never been happier. WTF? I am not even remotely jealous, just insulted. I discussed it with a friend today, because I wondered if it was ok for me to feel that way, and she said it was and told me that he sounded very immature. She had a point. He was dating me only a couple of weeks after his marriage fell apart. I think he must be one of those guys who can't handle being alone.
Had an unsettling dream last night. I was dreaming that I had gone back to high school and was studying maths and science but for some reason I had never started studying english or geography or history and all of a sudden exams were about to start and someone told me I should have been studying those other subjects. In the dream I was freaking out because I was afraid I was going to fail. I woke up before any thing was resolved and sat there considering how much I fear failure.
I do not like to fail. It is something that has come up for me before but I do not usually dream about it. I don't know why it has come up now. I am not happy about not being awesome at my job, but I don't love it anyway. I don't love that I am single, but I understand now why it is better that I am, at least for now. But I have not failed at these things. I don't know what to think. Maybe God just wants me to be aware of my fear.
I got the contraceptive implant in last week. It hurt alot after the local anaesthetic wore off. Why did I have it done? Well, I am over being on the Pill when I am not getting any sex, why would I want to remember to take a pill that is wasted on me. Plus I was getting a bit of discomfit with it. The implant is 3 yrs of contraception, so regardless of what happens I am safe from getting pregnant for that amount of time. I would prefer to be protected than not. The Doc told me that one of the side effects was increased chance of depression or mood swings. I was a bit concerned about that because I already susceptible, but after a week I am feeling fine, better than when I was on the Pill.
Oh, I had blood tests done last week too, because I am so damn tired all the time. It turns out I am very low in Vit B12. So I am back on my B Vit Supplements, which I have been taking off and on for the last year. I also boiled some eggs and will eat them with my lunch. I do not drink milk, it makes me feel yucky, but I am happy to eat meat. Probably should eat liver but that stuff is disgusting. My cholesterol is also too high, I need to stop eating so much chocolate.
Rang mum up today to ask to borrow her lawn mower. She started crying while we were talking because one of my bro's, who lives at home, has been giving her a hard time. We all think he should move out. Mum said he won't move out until she has paid him back some money she owes him. I offered to lend her the money to pay him back and as I made that offer I felt like crying. It is coming from money I am saving to buy a house. It is the third time I have tried to build up a nest egg and it seems like every time I get a bit of money together, something important comes up and I have to use some or all of it. So I was feeling a bit upset about that, but still made the offer because my bro needs to move out. My mum is really unwell and he is being a shit. I am worried she won't make it to Christmas if he stays. I know she will pay me back when she can.
I have put in a uni application. I have applied to do a Teaching degree that will allow me to teach 0-12 yr olds and also work as a teacher-librarian. It is about 4 yrs of study, but it will give me added quals and will enable me to be around for the kids and mum. No idea if I will work between now and when the course starts, guess I am just playing it by ear.
D2 posted recently that he was going on a date. I messaged him and told him I was happy for him, which I genuinely am. The day after the date he posted on his Facebook that he has never been happier. I felt incredibly insulted by that remark. Just 3 weeks ago he was professing his undying love for me, and now...now he has never been happier. WTF? I am not even remotely jealous, just insulted. I discussed it with a friend today, because I wondered if it was ok for me to feel that way, and she said it was and told me that he sounded very immature. She had a point. He was dating me only a couple of weeks after his marriage fell apart. I think he must be one of those guys who can't handle being alone.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Pffft...what weekend?
I have not had time to go back to my quilt yet, or purchase the border fabric. I had thought maybe this weekend, but my originally quiet weekend has exploded.
Friday night I am going out with some of the girls from work. Then on Sat I am going to my first Karate lesson. I signed myself and the older two boys up for it last Sat. They went for their first try on Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am going on Sat because all the boys are away with their dad, then I will start going on a Wed with the older two and will get a bro to babysit. On Sat afternoon I am going to the movies with a bro. Sunday it looks as tho I will be painting a room for my mum, and then heading off to get the boys.
Somewhere in there I also need to mow my lawn and do some gardening, and there is a possibility a friend from Sydney might be coming for a visit. Hmmm, somehow I do not think I will be getting a sleep in this weekend.
I have sort of decided that once this contract finishes, if I do not get another extension, I won't actively seek work for a little while. I will have to budget carefully. I feel like I need to be around more for the kids.
Friday night I am going out with some of the girls from work. Then on Sat I am going to my first Karate lesson. I signed myself and the older two boys up for it last Sat. They went for their first try on Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am going on Sat because all the boys are away with their dad, then I will start going on a Wed with the older two and will get a bro to babysit. On Sat afternoon I am going to the movies with a bro. Sunday it looks as tho I will be painting a room for my mum, and then heading off to get the boys.
Somewhere in there I also need to mow my lawn and do some gardening, and there is a possibility a friend from Sydney might be coming for a visit. Hmmm, somehow I do not think I will be getting a sleep in this weekend.
I have sort of decided that once this contract finishes, if I do not get another extension, I won't actively seek work for a little while. I will have to budget carefully. I feel like I need to be around more for the kids.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Work in progress
I started this Bargello quilt about 5 years ago. Life got in the way and it sat in pieces in a bag in a box for about 4 years. I would pull it out now and then and think about working on it, but it just seemed too hard.
I had some free time this week. I finally got my sewing machine set up and I pulled this quilt out again. I laid it out on my bed and committed to getting the top completed. I have finished piecing the main body of the quilt, as you can see, and now have to decide what border fabric to use. I am thinking a dark purple or blue to frame it.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Feeling pitiful
Today's word for the day...numb. I wish I felt numb.
Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.
F*** it.
I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?
Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.
I still say F*** it.
What brought this on?
Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.
Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.
Hence me feeling pitiful.
F*** it.
Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.
F*** it.
I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?
Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.
I still say F*** it.
What brought this on?
Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.
Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.
Hence me feeling pitiful.
F*** it.
Monday, August 24, 2009
There is a twist at every turn
Every Monday I take time to read Postsecret. Sometimes there is a secret there that particularly speaks to me. Today there were one.
It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".
I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?
I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.
I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.
I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.
I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?
I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.
work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.
My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.
I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.
It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".
I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?
I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.
I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.
I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.
I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?
I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.
work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.
My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.
I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Moving right along....
My apologies for being absent for so long.
You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.
D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.
God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.
I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.
I felt relief.
The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.
So Thursday morning it was.
He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.
Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.
I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.
Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.
Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.
No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.
We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.
You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.
D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.
God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.
I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.
I felt relief.
The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.
So Thursday morning it was.
He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.
Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.
I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.
Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.
Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.
No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.
We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
It is a Vivaldi sort of day
When I am not so great I like to listen to Vivaldi.
My head feels messy tonight, for various reasons...
I find myself missing D, yet I cannot figure out why I am missing him as I have had so little to do with him for so long. I do not want to miss him, he does not deserve that attention.
I was irritated this morning, D2 stayed over and followed me around a bit while I was getting myself and the kids ready for work. He has asked me a couple of times about my morning routine and when he asked me again this morning I was a little snappy because I felt like he was trying to know every move I make. I do not want to have to justify how I organise my mornings, or timetable what I do in the morning, for anyone.
Work was not so great, we were given a new task that was boring, but necessary. I got feedback for stupid mistakes that were based on lack of knowledge that could have been passed on by our trainers, so that annoyed me too. Was glad to find out I was not the only one making the mistake, but it has created more work for me tomorrow morning. I have fairly high expectations for myself and I guess I need to relax a little about that.
I feel like I want to eat choc and drink wine, then go hide in my room for the rest of the evening. Of course that is not really an option. I have choc, so will indulge, then will complete my housework and mummy stuff and relax with a movie or book.
I am reading New Moon again by Stephenie Meyer. The movie comes out soon and I wanted to refresh my memory of the book. It is actually kind of hard to read because when Bella talks about the intensity of her feelings for Edward I am reminded of how I felt for D. It is a challenge.
I am enjoying spending time with D2. It appears that he feels about me the way I felt about D last October/November. D2 is already using the 'L' word and talking about missing me when he does not see me. I cannot even begin to claim to feel the same way, so I refrain from such declarations. I quite happily say that I like him alot and enjoy his company, but I am not in any sort of rush to jump into a full on relationship. He would like to spend every night with me, but no way is that happening any time soon, and this morning is a good example of why I should not rush it. He has met my mum, and he will meet my best friend on Sunday. I would have been quite happy to not see him till Sunday, but I have said he can visit on Thurs. I like the cuddles, lol, and as I have already said, I do like his company.
D2 has to sell his house in the next couple of months to pay out his ex and I can see him possibly pushing to move in when that happens. Well, no, he will not be moving in, certainly not this year and not so soon after meeting him. We have talked about a trip to Fiji in Dec/Jan, this is something I would love to do and so I will see how we are at that stage. Maybe when we come back from that I will know whether I want to live with him.
My head feels messy tonight, for various reasons...
I find myself missing D, yet I cannot figure out why I am missing him as I have had so little to do with him for so long. I do not want to miss him, he does not deserve that attention.
I was irritated this morning, D2 stayed over and followed me around a bit while I was getting myself and the kids ready for work. He has asked me a couple of times about my morning routine and when he asked me again this morning I was a little snappy because I felt like he was trying to know every move I make. I do not want to have to justify how I organise my mornings, or timetable what I do in the morning, for anyone.
Work was not so great, we were given a new task that was boring, but necessary. I got feedback for stupid mistakes that were based on lack of knowledge that could have been passed on by our trainers, so that annoyed me too. Was glad to find out I was not the only one making the mistake, but it has created more work for me tomorrow morning. I have fairly high expectations for myself and I guess I need to relax a little about that.
I feel like I want to eat choc and drink wine, then go hide in my room for the rest of the evening. Of course that is not really an option. I have choc, so will indulge, then will complete my housework and mummy stuff and relax with a movie or book.
I am reading New Moon again by Stephenie Meyer. The movie comes out soon and I wanted to refresh my memory of the book. It is actually kind of hard to read because when Bella talks about the intensity of her feelings for Edward I am reminded of how I felt for D. It is a challenge.
I am enjoying spending time with D2. It appears that he feels about me the way I felt about D last October/November. D2 is already using the 'L' word and talking about missing me when he does not see me. I cannot even begin to claim to feel the same way, so I refrain from such declarations. I quite happily say that I like him alot and enjoy his company, but I am not in any sort of rush to jump into a full on relationship. He would like to spend every night with me, but no way is that happening any time soon, and this morning is a good example of why I should not rush it. He has met my mum, and he will meet my best friend on Sunday. I would have been quite happy to not see him till Sunday, but I have said he can visit on Thurs. I like the cuddles, lol, and as I have already said, I do like his company.
D2 has to sell his house in the next couple of months to pay out his ex and I can see him possibly pushing to move in when that happens. Well, no, he will not be moving in, certainly not this year and not so soon after meeting him. We have talked about a trip to Fiji in Dec/Jan, this is something I would love to do and so I will see how we are at that stage. Maybe when we come back from that I will know whether I want to live with him.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Well, why not, I deserve it!
Have spent quite a few hours with D2 (he has the same initial as the previous guy, diff name tho) now and am find that I don't want to say goodbye, and neither does he. I am enjoying the attention and looking forward to seeing where things with us go.
My ex got back into Sydney on Wednesday, so this weekend I am kid free and loving it. I kind of feel a little guilty saying that, but I need the break and I will be happy to see them tomorrow. Looking forward to next week when my bestest friend and her hubby come to stay, we are going to the Pink concert WOO!!!
No.2 got an awesome school report so I have to think of a way to acknowledge that, maybe go bowling. Still waiting on Teen's report.
I am enjoying work now. The training has been intense and tiring, and is not over yet as we continue to develop our skills on the job. I do not love sitting at a computer for 6 hrs a day, and I really need to watch my eating and exercise or I will put the weight back on. I can see myself doing this job for awhile tho.
My ex got back into Sydney on Wednesday, so this weekend I am kid free and loving it. I kind of feel a little guilty saying that, but I need the break and I will be happy to see them tomorrow. Looking forward to next week when my bestest friend and her hubby come to stay, we are going to the Pink concert WOO!!!
No.2 got an awesome school report so I have to think of a way to acknowledge that, maybe go bowling. Still waiting on Teen's report.
I am enjoying work now. The training has been intense and tiring, and is not over yet as we continue to develop our skills on the job. I do not love sitting at a computer for 6 hrs a day, and I really need to watch my eating and exercise or I will put the weight back on. I can see myself doing this job for awhile tho.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Waiting to see
I met what seems to be a genuinely nice guy today. He is 30, no kids, was in a 9 yr relationship, married for two. Works as a manager at a local supermarket. Has been to Tasmania, QLD, Vietnam and Fiji. Likes fishing, camping and 4wdriving. Is interested in Astronomy. Has a med sized dog called BJ. I like him, enjoyed his company enough to spend 3 hours talking to him and arranged to meet up with him tomorrow night. He is a little taller than me, overweight, has lovely eyes and a nice smile. Seems pretty together and in the same frame of mind as me - life is for living.
I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids
I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P
Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.
Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.
I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids
I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P
Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.
Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Week 2
is over. I am feeling good about the job so far. I am part of a brand new team that was created to handle a service that was previously being handled by the call centre division, but which has grown so much it needs it's own team. The 9 of us who are left in the training room (the other 8 have been moved into different areas) will be the team and we are all pretty keen to get started. We have about 2 more weeks of on the job training.
No.2's birthday this weekend.
Oh, had to LOL, D messaged me saying he thought I should let him go, then 24 hrs later messaged me to ask if he could see me. Sounds like exactly what I did a couple of weeks ago. How silly and screwed up are we both?! Saw him, enjoyed his company, and thought nothing of it. Might see him again, might not. Either way, I am back on the dating sites and getting approached by undesirables LOL.
Going out clubbing with my bro's tomorrow night, really looking forward to it. Tried on some clothes last night and ended up with this look...
Not bad hmmm...?
No.2's birthday this weekend.
Oh, had to LOL, D messaged me saying he thought I should let him go, then 24 hrs later messaged me to ask if he could see me. Sounds like exactly what I did a couple of weeks ago. How silly and screwed up are we both?! Saw him, enjoyed his company, and thought nothing of it. Might see him again, might not. Either way, I am back on the dating sites and getting approached by undesirables LOL.
Going out clubbing with my bro's tomorrow night, really looking forward to it. Tried on some clothes last night and ended up with this look...
Not bad hmmm...?
Friday, May 29, 2009
....
"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." (Cynthia Heimel)
Somewhere in my future is a happy ending. It is not here and now.
I am actually predominantly happy. I am sad about my relationship situation, or lack of, but my life is actually rather good and I feel positive about the future.
My first week in my new job is over. There is alot to take in, but I find it rather easy and I feel good about my participation in my training so far. Definitely did the right thing by not holding out for casual library work, the school rang the other day and offered me work in two weeks, not the regular 2 days per week I had initially expected. I could not have coped with the lack of job security. I do wish that my new job was permanent, but I fully expect to be offered something in the future.
Somewhere in my future is a happy ending. It is not here and now.
I am actually predominantly happy. I am sad about my relationship situation, or lack of, but my life is actually rather good and I feel positive about the future.
My first week in my new job is over. There is alot to take in, but I find it rather easy and I feel good about my participation in my training so far. Definitely did the right thing by not holding out for casual library work, the school rang the other day and offered me work in two weeks, not the regular 2 days per week I had initially expected. I could not have coped with the lack of job security. I do wish that my new job was permanent, but I fully expect to be offered something in the future.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I freely admit that I am a fool
yep. Guess how long I lasted with my 'walking away' from D. A week...three days...
A day and a half.
I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.
Why?
Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.
I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.
I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.
We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.
As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.
sigh.
I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.
A day and a half.
I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.
Why?
Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.
I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.
I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.
We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.
As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.
sigh.
I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Not as good as thought
I drove mum to see her specialist last night, I dropped her off and picked her up and we talked in the car about what he told her. The news was not particularly good. There has been no improvement in her condition since she left hospital. The doc told her she is lucky to be alive, she should in fact be dead due to the severity of her condition. He reiterated the need for her to take it easy. Nothing more can be done for her other than careful monitoring by herself and her family doctor. The doc told her that it would only take something very little to send her back into ICU, or kill her. Mum is taking it a bit more seriously now.
After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.
I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).
My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...
After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.
I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).
My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...
- stress - I actually think this is what originally triggered the tremors, back in November last year. These days I notice that when I am feeling particularly stressed the tremors are more obvious.
- heavy lifting
- sex
- tiredness
- riding my motorbike - this morning I rode my bike for about 10 minutes, to take it to get a service. When I got there I could barely write my name and ph. number because I was having difficulty with shakes and muscle weakness.
- Driving my car for long periods - I started noticing that after my 2 hr drives to and from mums (when I lived in Sydney) I would feel very shaky.
- Coca Cola - also makes me feel nauseous, but I have been noticing that if I drink as little as a glass of coke my tremors are slightly worse.
- Chocolate - too much of it can affect me. I also noticed that it affects my typing, my spelling becomes embarrassing (for me anyway).
- Exercise - sometimes. I have been doing a run/walk most days this last week and this morning was the first time I noticed an issue, so I could have been more susceptible because of yesterdays stress.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
time to move on
Yesterday I broke it, whatever 'it' is, off with D. I am hurt and disappointed, but I feel stronger for having been the one to make the decision to walk away. I wasted quite a few months hoping for a proper relationship with him. I am not depressed about it, which is a relief, but I am sad. Sad is healthy. I have headed back to the dating site I use and hopefully I will start dating again in the near future, with a much clearer idea of what I want and expect.
I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.
I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.
I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.
Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.
Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.
The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.
I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.
I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.
I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.
Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.
Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.
The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Learnt something new about myself
well, besides the fact that I have discovered that I LOVE lacy/girly underwear, in MATCHING sets...
sheets.
I have a queen bed. On my bed is a matching set of good quality sheets, with pillowcases. Today they needed a wash. I went to my linen cupboard and pulled out a set of sheets I thought MIGHT be queen size, but which I discovered were double (they definitely did not fit). I went back to my linen cupboard and found that the only queen size sheets I had were not matching and neither sheet had matching pillowcases.
I refused to put them on my bed.
Since when did I become so pedantic? Picky? Hmmm, possibly when I discovered about 6 months ago how much I LIKE matching sets, things that go together, and quality. Now, I do not have a lot of stuff (in comparison to my mother who has far too much and all mismatched), and what I do have is generally good quality.
I kind of made a promise to myself, when I moved out of my ex's home, that I would not settle for crap anymore. I had the money to buy solid, usable, furniture new, and to buy my basic needs new too. So I bought myself 2 very nice towels and a set of nice sheets (and a bit of lovely underwear :-P).
But now I realise I need to buy another set! I do not mind that I like matching and quality, I figure I deserve it after years of living out of op shops, and when I can afford it I am happy to buy the things I need. I do not mind waiting a week or two for something that makes me feel like my home is how it should be, rather than settling for any old thing.
Why not have less and be glad of it, than have much and feel burdened and cluttered (besides the fact that it is an unnecessary waste of money)?
sheets.
I have a queen bed. On my bed is a matching set of good quality sheets, with pillowcases. Today they needed a wash. I went to my linen cupboard and pulled out a set of sheets I thought MIGHT be queen size, but which I discovered were double (they definitely did not fit). I went back to my linen cupboard and found that the only queen size sheets I had were not matching and neither sheet had matching pillowcases.
I refused to put them on my bed.
Since when did I become so pedantic? Picky? Hmmm, possibly when I discovered about 6 months ago how much I LIKE matching sets, things that go together, and quality. Now, I do not have a lot of stuff (in comparison to my mother who has far too much and all mismatched), and what I do have is generally good quality.
I kind of made a promise to myself, when I moved out of my ex's home, that I would not settle for crap anymore. I had the money to buy solid, usable, furniture new, and to buy my basic needs new too. So I bought myself 2 very nice towels and a set of nice sheets (and a bit of lovely underwear :-P).
But now I realise I need to buy another set! I do not mind that I like matching and quality, I figure I deserve it after years of living out of op shops, and when I can afford it I am happy to buy the things I need. I do not mind waiting a week or two for something that makes me feel like my home is how it should be, rather than settling for any old thing.
Why not have less and be glad of it, than have much and feel burdened and cluttered (besides the fact that it is an unnecessary waste of money)?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Forgot to mention
D.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.
Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.
Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.
update
On Saturday 25th April I enjoyed my first night in my new home. I could hear no sirens and barely any traffic. It was great to be back in my own bed again. I was really over being at mum's house, it was very crowded and she has alot of stuff, so on top of being people crowded I also felt very cluttered and like I was tripping over stuff all the time. So I left and felt much better for it.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Not looking good
Mum suffered an Aortic Dissection
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec03/ch035/ch035c.html
Surgery is not an option and medication is not helping her. She has been awake and alert most of the time, but gets tired very very quickly. The doctors cannot get her blood pressure stabilised and each time it goes crazy it does more damage to her insides. Mum is confident, I am not. She says 'when she gets out of hospital', I say 'if'.
If she gets out of hospital her life will be controlled by her blood pressure machine and medication and her independence will be reduced greatly. All of us will find this challenging.
Today is the day I leave Sydney as my home.
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec03/ch035/ch035c.html
Surgery is not an option and medication is not helping her. She has been awake and alert most of the time, but gets tired very very quickly. The doctors cannot get her blood pressure stabilised and each time it goes crazy it does more damage to her insides. Mum is confident, I am not. She says 'when she gets out of hospital', I say 'if'.
If she gets out of hospital her life will be controlled by her blood pressure machine and medication and her independence will be reduced greatly. All of us will find this challenging.
Today is the day I leave Sydney as my home.
Monday, April 13, 2009
crap crap crap
got a call tonight to say my mum is in intensive care. Apparently she came banging on my bro's bedroom door, doubled over in pain. He got the neighbour to take them to the hospital and they discovered she has a tear in a vein that runs from her heart to her leg.
Needless to say, I am freaking out a little and feel emotionally screwed up. I also feel useless, my bro says there is no need for me to be up there at this stage cos she will be in hospital for a few days, but I still feel like I should be doing something. Plus I want to talk to her myself, but she is all doped up on morphine for the pain.
This is not even something related to why I am moving up there. That was to do with her having a biopsy and driving herself home, that prompted me to move sooner rather than later.
Saw my house yesterday cos the owner happened to be there when we stopped by and was happy to let us take a look. It is ok. The bedrooms are smaller than here at my apartment, but the rest of the place is similar. It will do.
My wednesday rhymetime group threw me a surprise goodbye party. I had to leave the room to collect myself. I was really overwhelmed that they did this.
Still no job as yet, but that is now a good thing. Got schools organised for the older two and possibly a few days of care for Toddler.
Needless to say, I am freaking out a little and feel emotionally screwed up. I also feel useless, my bro says there is no need for me to be up there at this stage cos she will be in hospital for a few days, but I still feel like I should be doing something. Plus I want to talk to her myself, but she is all doped up on morphine for the pain.
This is not even something related to why I am moving up there. That was to do with her having a biopsy and driving herself home, that prompted me to move sooner rather than later.
Saw my house yesterday cos the owner happened to be there when we stopped by and was happy to let us take a look. It is ok. The bedrooms are smaller than here at my apartment, but the rest of the place is similar. It will do.
My wednesday rhymetime group threw me a surprise goodbye party. I had to leave the room to collect myself. I was really overwhelmed that they did this.
Still no job as yet, but that is now a good thing. Got schools organised for the older two and possibly a few days of care for Toddler.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
what a relief
I have a house. I will be moving in the same day I sign the lease lol, but will do a drive by this weekend.
Now to get schools sorted and get myself a job.
Have been pretty sad today, this was my last Tuesday Rhymetime and so I said goodbye to a number of my mums and bubs. Some of the kids I have watched grow from small babies in to cheeky toddlers, I have been so lucky to be a part of that.
I tell you what, I will NOT miss Bookclub with the primary school kids. Some of them are little horrors.
Tomorrow will be sad for me too, it is the last Wednesday Rhymetime.
Now to get schools sorted and get myself a job.
Have been pretty sad today, this was my last Tuesday Rhymetime and so I said goodbye to a number of my mums and bubs. Some of the kids I have watched grow from small babies in to cheeky toddlers, I have been so lucky to be a part of that.
I tell you what, I will NOT miss Bookclub with the primary school kids. Some of them are little horrors.
Tomorrow will be sad for me too, it is the last Wednesday Rhymetime.
Monday, April 6, 2009
he's not such a baby anymore
Having a day where I just get to hang out with the kids is really special. Weekends have been so hectic lately that I have really neglected to make any quality time for them.
So we spent Sunday chilling together, chatting and playing around, lots of cuddles, watching movies etc. I took the younger two to the park in the late afternoon. No.2 climbed everything as usual :-) and spent a long time swinging. Toddler/Boy explored, tried out everything, and proved to me that he is no longer a baby so much.
There was a rope ladder at the park, fixed to a frame. Twice he climbed it with me standing behind him, ready to catch him. He had no trouble negotiating the gaps between the rungs. On the third time he told me to go away. 'Go away mummy, me do it!' was what he said. I won't say my heart broke, but it cringed a little as I realised that he was confident enough and capable enough to do it himself. He did not 'need' me anymore, not for this. I watched him from a seat a short distance away, and saw that he was a little boy, growing every day right before my eyes.
While I do not love one above the other, my Toddler/Boy has been my joy. He is laid back and generous and loving. He is sweetness and stickiness and noisiness. He is smoochy kisses and squeezy hugs. Even grumpiness passes by like a cloud. He does not like to be in trouble, preferring to push the boundary, then do as he is told when he sees he is not going to get away with it.
I was struck with the desire for another baby. I have not felt this way for quite a while now, being focused on so many other areas of my life. But I find that having my baby grow up leaves me wanting. Perhaps it is that I love to be needed, and while all of them need me to some extent, it is not the same as a baby/toddler. I am not saying I want a baby right now, or even in the next year, but I would like to think that maybe another one is a possibility in the future.
D and I discussed children a few months ago. He was interested in the possibility of us having a child. Then things went pear shaped for us and it has not been discussed again. It will not be discussed again until we are much much further along in our relationship. Perhaps he will be like most men and be just another little boy and I won't want the burden of a baby as well. Perhaps I will look into the fostering again instead. Perhaps I will just enjoy my children and my family and continue to look forward to the day my children have their own.
Teen has been rather challenging lately. But he came to me the other day and told me he was interested in working in child care because he likes little kids. He babysat for me on Saturday and I was satisfied with how he went. I would like to encourage him and see whether this is something he could do long term. It would certainly provide him with a small income.
Teen likes - to read, play his keyboard, use the computer, watch/listen to comedy skits, wrestle with his mates, play the PS2. When we move I would like to encourage him to do mountain biking and rock climbing. I, and my brothers, have an interest in these things and it would be lovely to have something to do with Teen that is away from the house.
No.2 would also love rock climbing, I have never seen a kid that loves climbing as much as he does! If there is a tree in a park, then he will do his best to disappear up it, lol. He is not so interested in reading, but he does read now and then. He likes to feel useful, he likes helping my mum around the house and in the garden. He likes to learn and has a curious nature.
I feel like I have not taught my kids as best as I could so far, by this I mean showing them how to seek out information for themselves, how to find out, how to follow through on their curiosity.
But there is no time like the present to begin.
So we spent Sunday chilling together, chatting and playing around, lots of cuddles, watching movies etc. I took the younger two to the park in the late afternoon. No.2 climbed everything as usual :-) and spent a long time swinging. Toddler/Boy explored, tried out everything, and proved to me that he is no longer a baby so much.
There was a rope ladder at the park, fixed to a frame. Twice he climbed it with me standing behind him, ready to catch him. He had no trouble negotiating the gaps between the rungs. On the third time he told me to go away. 'Go away mummy, me do it!' was what he said. I won't say my heart broke, but it cringed a little as I realised that he was confident enough and capable enough to do it himself. He did not 'need' me anymore, not for this. I watched him from a seat a short distance away, and saw that he was a little boy, growing every day right before my eyes.
While I do not love one above the other, my Toddler/Boy has been my joy. He is laid back and generous and loving. He is sweetness and stickiness and noisiness. He is smoochy kisses and squeezy hugs. Even grumpiness passes by like a cloud. He does not like to be in trouble, preferring to push the boundary, then do as he is told when he sees he is not going to get away with it.
I was struck with the desire for another baby. I have not felt this way for quite a while now, being focused on so many other areas of my life. But I find that having my baby grow up leaves me wanting. Perhaps it is that I love to be needed, and while all of them need me to some extent, it is not the same as a baby/toddler. I am not saying I want a baby right now, or even in the next year, but I would like to think that maybe another one is a possibility in the future.
D and I discussed children a few months ago. He was interested in the possibility of us having a child. Then things went pear shaped for us and it has not been discussed again. It will not be discussed again until we are much much further along in our relationship. Perhaps he will be like most men and be just another little boy and I won't want the burden of a baby as well. Perhaps I will look into the fostering again instead. Perhaps I will just enjoy my children and my family and continue to look forward to the day my children have their own.
Teen has been rather challenging lately. But he came to me the other day and told me he was interested in working in child care because he likes little kids. He babysat for me on Saturday and I was satisfied with how he went. I would like to encourage him and see whether this is something he could do long term. It would certainly provide him with a small income.
Teen likes - to read, play his keyboard, use the computer, watch/listen to comedy skits, wrestle with his mates, play the PS2. When we move I would like to encourage him to do mountain biking and rock climbing. I, and my brothers, have an interest in these things and it would be lovely to have something to do with Teen that is away from the house.
No.2 would also love rock climbing, I have never seen a kid that loves climbing as much as he does! If there is a tree in a park, then he will do his best to disappear up it, lol. He is not so interested in reading, but he does read now and then. He likes to feel useful, he likes helping my mum around the house and in the garden. He likes to learn and has a curious nature.
I feel like I have not taught my kids as best as I could so far, by this I mean showing them how to seek out information for themselves, how to find out, how to follow through on their curiosity.
But there is no time like the present to begin.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
some improvement
No house and no job, but I am feeling ok at the moment. I am waiting to hear back from Centrelink. I have three or four applications in for housing. I am hoping some things will be resolved this week.
It gets a little tiring being a friend sometimes. I find myself having to hold my tongue to some extent. I have to remind myself that I am not walking in their shoes, I have not lived their life. My reactions to things are not the same as theirs might be. So I hold my tongue and listen and be supportive as best I can.
Had a BBQ yesterday to catch up with some friends and say goodbye to them. It was lovely. I was exhausted by the time they left. Got piccys tho, which I may eventually post here :-)
It gets a little tiring being a friend sometimes. I find myself having to hold my tongue to some extent. I have to remind myself that I am not walking in their shoes, I have not lived their life. My reactions to things are not the same as theirs might be. So I hold my tongue and listen and be supportive as best I can.
Had a BBQ yesterday to catch up with some friends and say goodbye to them. It was lovely. I was exhausted by the time they left. Got piccys tho, which I may eventually post here :-)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Not so great today
Feeling rather stressed about the housing and money situation. Yet to lock down a house. Sat down and worked out my budget for if I do not get a job and it is going to be really tough. And I mean really tough. It also looks as if I am going to have to pay more for a rental than what I had budgeted for, which is not going to help things.
So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.
Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.
So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.
Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I made her tell me
I phoned my mum on Thursday night and asked her to tell me more about what was going on with her. She has this tendency to not tell me anything until long after the fact. Like on Monday, the one just gone, she mentions that she had to go to the doctor for some antibiotics. I asked her why and she quietly announced that she had had some day surgery a couple of weeks ago and the area had become infected. She told me it was nothing I needed to worry about. Then she changed the subject.
It preyed on my mind for a few days, especially when I mentioned to a nurse friend on Thursday that mum had had the day surgery and she said that perhaps I should find out a bit more.
So I rang mum Thurs night and said that because I did not know why she had had the surgery I was worrying and I would appreciate it if she could fill me in. And she did.
Apparently the doc found some cysts on her ovaries, they did a biopsy and she is now waiting for the results. There was also something to do with her bladder but she seemed to skim over that and I did not push. I asked her if she had caught a taxi home and no, the b.....y woman sat in the surgery for a couple of hours, reading a book, until the nurse said mum could drive home. Oh, she makes me so cranky. Anyway, nothing can be done right now, but I shall be glad to be closer to her.
I am sad for other reasons today. As I get closer to leaving my job I realise how much I am going to miss the people, and the books, and the book talking. I really truly love working in a library and I really truly want to end up back in one. How is yet to be determined.
If I get this job at Centrelink I will be dealing with, for the most part, unhappy people. I wonder if I should hold out for a different job, or whether I should look on it as an opportunity to hone my customer service skills. I haven't even got the job yet, lol. Would it be better to be unemployed for a while? So many questions run through my mind.
Do I question my decision to move? No, especially with mum being the stubborn woman she is, I think it is time I started keeping a closer eye on her.
But I do wonder how it is all going to work out.
Another concern
I have noticed that I am experiencing tremors in my hands and arms. It is quite odd, feeling like I am shaking/shivering alot of the time. It is sometimes affecting my writing and I have to write slower. If I tense up the tremor feels worse. When I hold my phone up to my ear I can see my hand shaking.
I wonder if it is related to my carpal tunnel, which has not been an issue since I lost weight. The tremors are usually barely visible to anyone but me. They have been around, off and on, for quite a few years, but these last couple of weeks they are not easing, and, as I said, it can feel a little weird sometimes. I have not mentioned it to anyone, I did a little research, it is not uncommon and there is no cure. There are drugs for it if it begins to affect my ability to function.
It preyed on my mind for a few days, especially when I mentioned to a nurse friend on Thursday that mum had had the day surgery and she said that perhaps I should find out a bit more.
So I rang mum Thurs night and said that because I did not know why she had had the surgery I was worrying and I would appreciate it if she could fill me in. And she did.
Apparently the doc found some cysts on her ovaries, they did a biopsy and she is now waiting for the results. There was also something to do with her bladder but she seemed to skim over that and I did not push. I asked her if she had caught a taxi home and no, the b.....y woman sat in the surgery for a couple of hours, reading a book, until the nurse said mum could drive home. Oh, she makes me so cranky. Anyway, nothing can be done right now, but I shall be glad to be closer to her.
I am sad for other reasons today. As I get closer to leaving my job I realise how much I am going to miss the people, and the books, and the book talking. I really truly love working in a library and I really truly want to end up back in one. How is yet to be determined.
If I get this job at Centrelink I will be dealing with, for the most part, unhappy people. I wonder if I should hold out for a different job, or whether I should look on it as an opportunity to hone my customer service skills. I haven't even got the job yet, lol. Would it be better to be unemployed for a while? So many questions run through my mind.
Do I question my decision to move? No, especially with mum being the stubborn woman she is, I think it is time I started keeping a closer eye on her.
But I do wonder how it is all going to work out.
Another concern
I have noticed that I am experiencing tremors in my hands and arms. It is quite odd, feeling like I am shaking/shivering alot of the time. It is sometimes affecting my writing and I have to write slower. If I tense up the tremor feels worse. When I hold my phone up to my ear I can see my hand shaking.
I wonder if it is related to my carpal tunnel, which has not been an issue since I lost weight. The tremors are usually barely visible to anyone but me. They have been around, off and on, for quite a few years, but these last couple of weeks they are not easing, and, as I said, it can feel a little weird sometimes. I have not mentioned it to anyone, I did a little research, it is not uncommon and there is no cure. There are drugs for it if it begins to affect my ability to function.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
so much to do
well, it is four weeks till I leave this city I have resided in for the last 3 and a half years. Perhaps I will miss it. I know I will miss my job and my friends, but I am not so far away that I cannot organise to come for a visit.
Right now I am exhausted. I applied for a job with Centrelink up in the Central Coast recently. On Tuesday night they called me and did a 20 min phone screening, then asked me to be at an assessment session the next day at 2pm. On the central coast. For 2 and a half hours. Of course I said yes, then got off the phone and began stressing. I called mum because I quickly realised that I was going to have to take all three kids with me as I would not get back to the city in time to collect them from their various places after school. She was happy to babysit, thank goodness.
So yesterday I drove from Sydney to Newcastle, deposited my children with my mum, drove back down to the Central Coast, participated in two teamwork activities, filled out a stack of paperwork, and then drove back up to mum's, had dinner and drove back to Sydney. All up, approximately 7hrs of driving. We got home at 9pm.
I then worked on my computer from about 9.30pm till midnight on a training session I will be running next week.
Tired.
Ok, so the assessment appeared to go fine, I may get a call back next week to go up again and do more assessment and testing, and then I may be offered a position. The pay is equivalent to what I get here, the hours are similar and fixed, the working environment will be challenging and I may have to drive an hour each way depending on where I am located. Could be interesting.
Mum has been house hunting for me even though she has not been well, and she viewed a house on Tuesday which she thought I could make a home out of for a while. So on Wednesday I put in the application and now I am waiting to hear. The property manager took a shine to mum, so I feel like I have a good chance.
D and I are going well. Our r'ship is kind of comfy at the moment, we chat a little most days and I find I am not stressing or bothered if I do not hear from him. I enjoy my independence and I am incredibly grateful that he is not clingy or needy, I enjoy it a little, but not alot. He is really looking forward to me moving up and us having a chance to spend time getting to know each other.
Right now I am exhausted. I applied for a job with Centrelink up in the Central Coast recently. On Tuesday night they called me and did a 20 min phone screening, then asked me to be at an assessment session the next day at 2pm. On the central coast. For 2 and a half hours. Of course I said yes, then got off the phone and began stressing. I called mum because I quickly realised that I was going to have to take all three kids with me as I would not get back to the city in time to collect them from their various places after school. She was happy to babysit, thank goodness.
So yesterday I drove from Sydney to Newcastle, deposited my children with my mum, drove back down to the Central Coast, participated in two teamwork activities, filled out a stack of paperwork, and then drove back up to mum's, had dinner and drove back to Sydney. All up, approximately 7hrs of driving. We got home at 9pm.
I then worked on my computer from about 9.30pm till midnight on a training session I will be running next week.
Tired.
Ok, so the assessment appeared to go fine, I may get a call back next week to go up again and do more assessment and testing, and then I may be offered a position. The pay is equivalent to what I get here, the hours are similar and fixed, the working environment will be challenging and I may have to drive an hour each way depending on where I am located. Could be interesting.
Mum has been house hunting for me even though she has not been well, and she viewed a house on Tuesday which she thought I could make a home out of for a while. So on Wednesday I put in the application and now I am waiting to hear. The property manager took a shine to mum, so I feel like I have a good chance.
D and I are going well. Our r'ship is kind of comfy at the moment, we chat a little most days and I find I am not stressing or bothered if I do not hear from him. I enjoy my independence and I am incredibly grateful that he is not clingy or needy, I enjoy it a little, but not alot. He is really looking forward to me moving up and us having a chance to spend time getting to know each other.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
My Tattoo
I got this on my right hip the other day, all part of the 'living life' thing I am doing lol. Getting a tat was never on my list of things to do, but when I went to NZ I realised I wanted something a little more permanent than a t-shirt or a piece of jewelery. The photo was taken about an hour after the job, so that is why it is a bit red round the edges.
No, it is not really a mid-life crisis...or is it?
Someone said to me the other day that it was almost like I was having my mid life crisis now. I can see what they mean, and I guess that what I am doing is alot like that. I think a mid life crisis is when you get to a point in your life where you wonder if that is all there is to it, and you freak out a bit and go do some crazy stuff.
Well, yes, I have done that in a sense, but it was mainly about rediscovering who I am as a person, learning some valuable lessons about what I want and need, and who I want around me as part of that. I also needed to do the things that I had dreamed about for years, that I kept putting aside because 'other stuff' was more important.
I feel ready for a new phase in my life. I feel relieved that I have experienced some of what life has to offer. I felt like I was boring, all I did was work and raise kids, and I wanted to have something other than that as part of my memories.
You don't have to do something big to make yourself feel that way. Write a list of dreams you have, from the little to the big, and try to make just one or two of them happen for you. One of my smallest goals was to learn how to do strike throughs on html stuff. Another was to lose 5kgs, another was to start dancing. All of these were pretty easily achievable and I felt so good about ticking them off my list that I wanted to keep going with slightly bigger stuff.
And I did.
Now it is your turn.
Well, yes, I have done that in a sense, but it was mainly about rediscovering who I am as a person, learning some valuable lessons about what I want and need, and who I want around me as part of that. I also needed to do the things that I had dreamed about for years, that I kept putting aside because 'other stuff' was more important.
I feel ready for a new phase in my life. I feel relieved that I have experienced some of what life has to offer. I felt like I was boring, all I did was work and raise kids, and I wanted to have something other than that as part of my memories.
You don't have to do something big to make yourself feel that way. Write a list of dreams you have, from the little to the big, and try to make just one or two of them happen for you. One of my smallest goals was to learn how to do strike throughs on html stuff. Another was to lose 5kgs, another was to start dancing. All of these were pretty easily achievable and I felt so good about ticking them off my list that I wanted to keep going with slightly bigger stuff.
And I did.
Now it is your turn.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
The Promise by Tracey Chapman
If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me
And say you'll hold
A place for me
I in your heart.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Mona Lisa Smile
There has been alot of speculation over the years over what exactly Mona Lisa is thinking about when she had her portrait painted. In her quiet smile and wistful eyes I see a glimpse of myself.
I believe she is thinking of a lover. I believe she is not in the room with the painter, but miles away musing on a moment shared with a person who brightens her day and touches her heart. I have found myself with that very look upon my face when I day dream of D, of a moment we have shared, whether it be the first time we held hands and I felt the shock of contact ripple through me. Or the first time we kissed and it felt like heaven on earth. It may even be when I think of the last time we spent time together and I remember how good it felt to be back in his arms again after so much had happened between us.
She smiles because she is in love.
I believe she is thinking of a lover. I believe she is not in the room with the painter, but miles away musing on a moment shared with a person who brightens her day and touches her heart. I have found myself with that very look upon my face when I day dream of D, of a moment we have shared, whether it be the first time we held hands and I felt the shock of contact ripple through me. Or the first time we kissed and it felt like heaven on earth. It may even be when I think of the last time we spent time together and I remember how good it felt to be back in his arms again after so much had happened between us.
She smiles because she is in love.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
lifes little lessons
I wish I had someone I could talk to about how I feel about D. About how he makes me swing from one emotion to another without even knowing it. In fact, it is not him that does it, but me and my head. My head is a pain in the ass sometimes, with the scenarios it concocts to make my insecurities come to the surface, instead of just letting me go with the flow.
Music has such an amazing influence on me. I listen to alot of music and I find that I will hear a song and think 'oh, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel', like "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, or "Your arms feel like home" by 3 Doors Down. And when I am unhappy there is always song about unrequited love, or painful loss, to assist me with my mood, lol. D and I both love music, we both feel influenced by it, we have similar taste in music.
I want so much for things to go ok for us. I get that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realise that generally all people want is to be accepted as the flawed person they are, but when in a relationship that acceptance can take a back seat to what we perceive as our own needs and wants. We get caught up in our own expectations of how things should be. I often wonder if I am capable of accepting another flawed person in my life, when I struggle so hard with my own flaws at times. I do believe that acceptance is the key to a long lasting relationship tho, that you love the person in spite of their faults, and maybe a little because of them.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should accept things that are morally or ethically wrong, like a guy thinking it is ok to smack a woman now and then. I am talking about things like, a guy who never puts the toilet seat down (I have a friend who really cares about this, lol), or he...god, I don't know, but I am sure you get what I mean just from that one example, lol. I mean, do these things really matter? They can matter. They can be the little things that add up to make an unhappy relationship. But really, if we just accepted the small stuff, and were tougher on the big stuff, surley that would make for a better, longer lasting relationship.
Like, I already know that D has trouble turning up to something on time. That does not mean that that something is not important to him, it is just that things happen and he gets side tracked and before you know it he is late. Now I am a bit pedantic about being on time. This could be a future conflict for us if I come to resent it. Or, I could choose to accept it and then adapt us to suit. Eg I have heard of people telling their partners that they have to leave at such and such a time, but the time is actually half an hour before they need to leave, so that then no one is stressing about getting out the door on time. The difference is accepting it and going with it, rather than trying to change him and bend things to how I want them to be.
If only it were all as simple as that example, but I realise it won't be. I do definitley need to take a chill pill tho.
Another area of possible contention is his difficulty with saving money, well, with not spending it, lol. He really struggles with this, so much so that he could not see how he and I would manage on our two incomes (which totally blew me away cos to me we would have been very cosy indeed). I have learnt alot over the years, about budgeting, and buying out of need rather than want. I like having money in my account, and I like not having debt. I am in a good position financially at this point in my life and I like it. But I can see that if D and I combine, then I will have to hold the purse strings so that we are able to have a comfortable life. He and I have actually discussed this already, so thankfully he is aware of his weakness and feels okay with having me handle things. I am so far in credit with one of my child care providers that they actually asked me to stop paying them money. It is great cos it will be an extra lot of money I can put away each week, woo!
I often question the need for relationships. I used to do this alot when I was with my Ex, it was an interest of mine. Really, relationships are primarily for procreation and maybe company. There is not really any good reason for us to persist in staying with a partner for an extended length of time. But still, we seek out 'the one', our soulmate, the Yin to our Yang. And when we think we have found it we want everything to be perfect. It is easy too get caught up in the emotions and feelings etc. But reality quickly kicks in.
Things I have discovered about myself recently
- for me, good sex is heavily controlled by my thinking. I can switch myself on or off physically by what I think about. This affects the experience.
- I do like affection, but not as much as I thought I did. I require space. I do not like clingyness. Yes, I like a hug, or a touch, but not all the time.
- I like sex, but do not need or want it every day. The anticipation is as much fun as the act.
- I like spending time with people, but require my own space at some point. I start to feel crowded if I spend too much time with someone. How much time is too much? No idea. Depends on the person.
- I am willing to compromise, but thankfully have learnt to put my foot down and not be afraid to speak up when I really want something.
- That I get cranky/bitchy when I feel crowded. That the best thing I can do is go get myself some space, whether that is by going off to read a book, or put my headphones on, or go for a walk.
- that I am quick to react. I really do need to take a chill pill.
Music has such an amazing influence on me. I listen to alot of music and I find that I will hear a song and think 'oh, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel', like "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, or "Your arms feel like home" by 3 Doors Down. And when I am unhappy there is always song about unrequited love, or painful loss, to assist me with my mood, lol. D and I both love music, we both feel influenced by it, we have similar taste in music.
I want so much for things to go ok for us. I get that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realise that generally all people want is to be accepted as the flawed person they are, but when in a relationship that acceptance can take a back seat to what we perceive as our own needs and wants. We get caught up in our own expectations of how things should be. I often wonder if I am capable of accepting another flawed person in my life, when I struggle so hard with my own flaws at times. I do believe that acceptance is the key to a long lasting relationship tho, that you love the person in spite of their faults, and maybe a little because of them.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should accept things that are morally or ethically wrong, like a guy thinking it is ok to smack a woman now and then. I am talking about things like, a guy who never puts the toilet seat down (I have a friend who really cares about this, lol), or he...god, I don't know, but I am sure you get what I mean just from that one example, lol. I mean, do these things really matter? They can matter. They can be the little things that add up to make an unhappy relationship. But really, if we just accepted the small stuff, and were tougher on the big stuff, surley that would make for a better, longer lasting relationship.
Like, I already know that D has trouble turning up to something on time. That does not mean that that something is not important to him, it is just that things happen and he gets side tracked and before you know it he is late. Now I am a bit pedantic about being on time. This could be a future conflict for us if I come to resent it. Or, I could choose to accept it and then adapt us to suit. Eg I have heard of people telling their partners that they have to leave at such and such a time, but the time is actually half an hour before they need to leave, so that then no one is stressing about getting out the door on time. The difference is accepting it and going with it, rather than trying to change him and bend things to how I want them to be.
If only it were all as simple as that example, but I realise it won't be. I do definitley need to take a chill pill tho.
Another area of possible contention is his difficulty with saving money, well, with not spending it, lol. He really struggles with this, so much so that he could not see how he and I would manage on our two incomes (which totally blew me away cos to me we would have been very cosy indeed). I have learnt alot over the years, about budgeting, and buying out of need rather than want. I like having money in my account, and I like not having debt. I am in a good position financially at this point in my life and I like it. But I can see that if D and I combine, then I will have to hold the purse strings so that we are able to have a comfortable life. He and I have actually discussed this already, so thankfully he is aware of his weakness and feels okay with having me handle things. I am so far in credit with one of my child care providers that they actually asked me to stop paying them money. It is great cos it will be an extra lot of money I can put away each week, woo!
I often question the need for relationships. I used to do this alot when I was with my Ex, it was an interest of mine. Really, relationships are primarily for procreation and maybe company. There is not really any good reason for us to persist in staying with a partner for an extended length of time. But still, we seek out 'the one', our soulmate, the Yin to our Yang. And when we think we have found it we want everything to be perfect. It is easy too get caught up in the emotions and feelings etc. But reality quickly kicks in.
Things I have discovered about myself recently
- for me, good sex is heavily controlled by my thinking. I can switch myself on or off physically by what I think about. This affects the experience.
- I do like affection, but not as much as I thought I did. I require space. I do not like clingyness. Yes, I like a hug, or a touch, but not all the time.
- I like sex, but do not need or want it every day. The anticipation is as much fun as the act.
- I like spending time with people, but require my own space at some point. I start to feel crowded if I spend too much time with someone. How much time is too much? No idea. Depends on the person.
- I am willing to compromise, but thankfully have learnt to put my foot down and not be afraid to speak up when I really want something.
- That I get cranky/bitchy when I feel crowded. That the best thing I can do is go get myself some space, whether that is by going off to read a book, or put my headphones on, or go for a walk.
- that I am quick to react. I really do need to take a chill pill.
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