I am feeling a little unsure at the moment. I have spent the last year telling myself (and believing) what a great area we live in and how safe I feel, only to be told yesterday that the streets around me have been subject to numerous burglaries recently, even when people have been home. I don't know that I would feel any safer with DH in the house, but I don't feel too safe right now, and I am scared for my kids. There are too many news stories of stabbings and shootings because someone interfered with a burglary in progress. There is a dog next door who barks like crazy when anyone comes down our driveway, so I appreciate that more than ever at the moment. I don't know what I can do to make this house any more secure, so I will have to trust in God's will.
Did a Tupperware party recently (yes, another hat to add to my pole, I am a Tupperware lady on the side) and had great sales. I have talked about giving up due to time constraints, but I like Tupperware and I like making it available to my friends and family. I rarely demonstrate though, I usually just give out the catalogues and tell people to call me if they would like anything, or if they would like a party I can usually work something out. The sales do depend on the hostess talking about the range and getting outside orders, which is where most of the sales for this one came from. The hostess got lots of freebies so she is a happy gal (I am not quite as happy because she no longer needs anything, lol)!
I had a parent/teacher meeting for DS2 today. His teacher was very pleased with his progress this year (it is a new school and alot bigger than his old one) and she stressed the importance of him taking his time with his work, as he has a tendency to rush and make silly mistakes. I was proud to read in his report, and hear, that he ALWAYS has lovely manners.
DS3 and I have cold and I feel rather ill. I told my supervisor I wouldn't be singing at Rhymetime tomorrow as I don't think my throat would last the half hour, I was struggling on Friday and my throat is worse today. Don't know what she thought when I asked her to find someone else to sing. I suppose I could go out there too and sing with someone, rather than on my own, so that if I have to stop I can. Hmm, might do that instead. I am actually glad there will be no Rhymetime for a couple of weeks as it will give my throat a break. If DS3's cold turns into the green stuff he will be sent home from daycare. I can't actually say I would mind too much, although I am well aware now that people don't like doing my job and that makes me feel bad for the kids that come to my sessions. Sometimes it is not good to be good at your job.
School holidays start next week and I have NO bookings for activities. Hmmmm. I do know that I have a Kindy group coming on Tuesday for our Arabic Storytime, so at least it will look like we have a few kids there. I didn't send out flyers to the schools this time, so maybe that has something to do with it, plus I was late getting them out to the public anyway, because I was away. Oh well, will have to try harder next time. On a positive note, I should have some money to spend soon, and I have a loooong wish list. I will be pacing myself though, so that I don't end up broke two months before the end of the financial year again, not pleasant.
Paid my first week of child care fees at the new place and have saved $50 this week! And that is before salary sacrificing, as that kicks in this week *doing a little dance*. So I will put that saved money towards the electricity bill. I do put money into all the bill accounts each week, but I obviously don't put enough away for this one. I guess I can afford to adjust it now. Hanging out to do my tax return, should get a nice bit of money back this year. I think I will put some of it away for xmas and some for my holiday.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Saturday, June 28, 2008
A simple life
I dream of a simpler life. Where my days may be spent in the garden, or sewing, or reading. Or whatever fancy may take me. I would like to work a couple of days per week, just to bring in some extra money and to socialise. I do need to socialise a bit, I like people but not ALL the time.
So today I have been enjoying a wonderful Aussie blog on simple living written by Rhonda. She is a wise woman and has lots of tips and recipes and is open about the way she lives her life. It is all about choices, really.
I may be much younger than her, and still have children at home, but her life is very similar to the one I would like to have now. I think there are some things I could even begin doing here in this big city, such as reducing my power usage and being tighter with my budget. I have plans to create a worm farm, and I daresay DH will start his potted vege garden again when he returns from sea, so then there will be something to use the worm castings on! I have planted cauliflower and broccoli recently, but haven't been back out in the yard to see if they are still alive! I need to put this on my must-do list, lol.
An interesting little wiki I found today is Air dry washing. A person wanted to know what the options were for line drying inside or out, but could not find an easy reference anywhere, so they created one! Check it out.
So today I have been enjoying a wonderful Aussie blog on simple living written by Rhonda. She is a wise woman and has lots of tips and recipes and is open about the way she lives her life. It is all about choices, really.
I may be much younger than her, and still have children at home, but her life is very similar to the one I would like to have now. I think there are some things I could even begin doing here in this big city, such as reducing my power usage and being tighter with my budget. I have plans to create a worm farm, and I daresay DH will start his potted vege garden again when he returns from sea, so then there will be something to use the worm castings on! I have planted cauliflower and broccoli recently, but haven't been back out in the yard to see if they are still alive! I need to put this on my must-do list, lol.
An interesting little wiki I found today is Air dry washing. A person wanted to know what the options were for line drying inside or out, but could not find an easy reference anywhere, so they created one! Check it out.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Hmmm
I can't say I envy DH his job at all, staying in a ship with 160 other people day in and day out (and not necessarily liking who you live with), with only occasional trips onto foreign land to stay in luxurious hotels (and I mean seriously luxurious!!!!). But I have to say I am perplexed when I get an email saying how good it will be when he gets home. Is he referring to being in Australia again? Or home with us?
How easy it is to forget what real life is like until you have to live in it. I can already envision the arguments about money, I can already hear him telling the kids to be quiet, I can already feel my resentment bubbling because I have come home from work, while he is on holidays, to find no housework done and dinner still to be cooked. We have been there and done this before, after a 3 month deployment (which would have been 6 if I hadn't insisted on having DH home for DS3's birth). So I don't really understand what he means. I guess life always seems nicer when viewed from a distance.
Perhaps I could dare to hope that things might be different this time, but is it worth the pain of realising, after he comes back, that that is not the case, and never will be? I am afraid to hope. I have cried so many times because things were not as I hoped, not even close to it.
I was going to email DH tonight and comment lightly on how little things had changed between us in our many years together, just to see what he would say (probably nothing) but after getting his email I refrained from it. He doesn't sound too happy and why should I add to it? You might read that statement and frown, because you know how unhappy I am and how unlikely it is that this marriage will last another year, but why hurt him when he isn't here to defend himself? We need to have it out face to face, not email to email.
Frustrated with my car at the moment. I spent a large amount of money recently on mechanical repairs, and since then I seem to be having electrical problems. Just before I got the car fixed a brake light blew, the day after the car was fixed a headlight blew, then the interior light, and the transmission console light, and today the power windows stopped working and the ignition is giving me little electric shocks when I go to put the key in. Not good. So I need to take it to an auto electrician asap and spend MORE money on it. At least I got it registered again first!
To top it off myself and the older boys need new shoes pretty badly. I did my budget tonight and it isn't pretty. I have a speeding ticket to pay (shame on me), and part of an electricity bill, all due within the next two weeks. I will have a little extra in my pay next week because I worked last Saturday, and I have another Saturday coming up in a couple of weeks that will help too. I have paid for DS1's holiday activities and just have to pay for DS2's and that is that done, although I will give mum a bit of money when they go up to her place in the second week of holidays.
The older boys are looking forward to the visit to mum's, I have younger brothers still living at home and they hang out with my boys and have a pretty good time. My DS3 is stuck home with me, we will veg out after work eating cheese on toast and watching Hi5, lol. He will be happy, lol. He loves his big brothers and I think he will miss them heaps.
How easy it is to forget what real life is like until you have to live in it. I can already envision the arguments about money, I can already hear him telling the kids to be quiet, I can already feel my resentment bubbling because I have come home from work, while he is on holidays, to find no housework done and dinner still to be cooked. We have been there and done this before, after a 3 month deployment (which would have been 6 if I hadn't insisted on having DH home for DS3's birth). So I don't really understand what he means. I guess life always seems nicer when viewed from a distance.
Perhaps I could dare to hope that things might be different this time, but is it worth the pain of realising, after he comes back, that that is not the case, and never will be? I am afraid to hope. I have cried so many times because things were not as I hoped, not even close to it.
I was going to email DH tonight and comment lightly on how little things had changed between us in our many years together, just to see what he would say (probably nothing) but after getting his email I refrained from it. He doesn't sound too happy and why should I add to it? You might read that statement and frown, because you know how unhappy I am and how unlikely it is that this marriage will last another year, but why hurt him when he isn't here to defend himself? We need to have it out face to face, not email to email.
Frustrated with my car at the moment. I spent a large amount of money recently on mechanical repairs, and since then I seem to be having electrical problems. Just before I got the car fixed a brake light blew, the day after the car was fixed a headlight blew, then the interior light, and the transmission console light, and today the power windows stopped working and the ignition is giving me little electric shocks when I go to put the key in. Not good. So I need to take it to an auto electrician asap and spend MORE money on it. At least I got it registered again first!
To top it off myself and the older boys need new shoes pretty badly. I did my budget tonight and it isn't pretty. I have a speeding ticket to pay (shame on me), and part of an electricity bill, all due within the next two weeks. I will have a little extra in my pay next week because I worked last Saturday, and I have another Saturday coming up in a couple of weeks that will help too. I have paid for DS1's holiday activities and just have to pay for DS2's and that is that done, although I will give mum a bit of money when they go up to her place in the second week of holidays.
The older boys are looking forward to the visit to mum's, I have younger brothers still living at home and they hang out with my boys and have a pretty good time. My DS3 is stuck home with me, we will veg out after work eating cheese on toast and watching Hi5, lol. He will be happy, lol. He loves his big brothers and I think he will miss them heaps.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Nearly Wednesday, yay!
The cleaner at work recently came to me and complained about the parents that come to the library for my sessions. He said that they were messy and left rubbish in the children's area. I considered it to be an isolated incident, in that the parents rarely leave food mess behind, book messes, yes, all the time, but food mess is pretty rare. But the cleaner had a bee in his bonnet about it. Since then I have kept a closer eye on the issue, but was amused to catch him wandering around with a dust pan and brush expecting to clean something up, and there being nothing there! One really good thing that came out of it was that I had mentioned to my boss months ago that we should look at getting a nappy change facility for the toilets at our central library. This was ignored until someone changed their child in the library and the cleaner gave the mum a hard time about it (totally inappropriate, but that is beside the point), so now we are getting a change table. When our branch library gets a face lift I am going to insist that we get one in there too (but that could be a long way off yet).
I was going through some boxes the other day, looking for something I didn't find, when I found a diary that I had started not long before I met DH. I used to keep diaries off and on over the years, but now that I have blogging I find I come here instead and haven't used my 'current' diary for a long while. Anyway, I thought, 'oh, this will be interesting!' and it was...
I discovered that I was niave (spelling?) and silly. I had no clue about what was a good match, what I should look for in a partner, what constituted a good relationship, basically, I latched on to the first person who said I was beautiful when they were sober.
On reading my diary I discovered that DH is almost exactly the same as when we met and that we had exactly the same issues! The tv being the main one! Even in our first few months I was complaining about how much tv he watched and how he seemed to prioritise it. And I discovered that we never really dated. I met him at a party, I invited him over for dinner, we hung out at his place a bit, he hung out at mine and then we were boyfriend/girlfriend! What, was I 10? No, I was 21 years old and had not been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years and he was the first guy to show any real interest. Damn. I see from reading it that I was the one who pushed us into a relationship, he would have been happy to just muddle along for however long until something changed one way or another. I wish I had had the sense to take things slowly.
Well, I have a couple of other diaries floating around, maybe it is time I pulled them out and had a read.
I was going through some boxes the other day, looking for something I didn't find, when I found a diary that I had started not long before I met DH. I used to keep diaries off and on over the years, but now that I have blogging I find I come here instead and haven't used my 'current' diary for a long while. Anyway, I thought, 'oh, this will be interesting!' and it was...
I discovered that I was niave (spelling?) and silly. I had no clue about what was a good match, what I should look for in a partner, what constituted a good relationship, basically, I latched on to the first person who said I was beautiful when they were sober.
On reading my diary I discovered that DH is almost exactly the same as when we met and that we had exactly the same issues! The tv being the main one! Even in our first few months I was complaining about how much tv he watched and how he seemed to prioritise it. And I discovered that we never really dated. I met him at a party, I invited him over for dinner, we hung out at his place a bit, he hung out at mine and then we were boyfriend/girlfriend! What, was I 10? No, I was 21 years old and had not been in a serious relationship for 3 1/2 years and he was the first guy to show any real interest. Damn. I see from reading it that I was the one who pushed us into a relationship, he would have been happy to just muddle along for however long until something changed one way or another. I wish I had had the sense to take things slowly.
Well, I have a couple of other diaries floating around, maybe it is time I pulled them out and had a read.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Sometimes there are moments that get you down and angry, yet to an outsider they seem trivial. This is because they are not aware of all the history behind the upset. This is a very good reason not to be judgemental of people's reactions to a situation. You don't know why they feel that way, you don't know what has happened in their life to react in a certain manner.
I had a moment today. I walked out of the kitchen to discover a sprinkling of potato chips all over the dining room and lounge room floors (thanks to middle and youngest boys). I hit the roof and sent the kids to their beds, yelling in their wake. Now, to any other person it might seem that I was acting very irrationally, they are just chips after all. But I had a house inspection last Monday and I had spent last weekend making the house as tidy and clean as it was when we first moved in (hours of work getting finger marks and pencil marks off walls, tidying rooms so that things were actually in their correct place, doing a de-clutter, etc). It made me want to continue having the house looking, if not spotless, at least not embarrassing when I have an unexpected visitor. And for today it did, for a couple of hours at least....then the chips. To top it off, my vacuum is bagless and the filter has to be washed regularly, so I washed it after I vacuumed today. This meant that my vacuum was out of action for the next couple of days, which wasn't a problem...until the chips. Seeing this mess all over the floors just made me 'spit the dummy' as my mum says. I got the broom out and cleaned up the hard way, but it just doesn't do the job a vacuum does. *sigh*
I was daydreaming earlier today about where I would like to be living and what my home would look like...
You would find me on a semi-rural property approximately 50km from a large town and no more than 4 hours from my mum. I would prefer town water (hence the semi-rural) but can live with tank water (been there, done that, survived, lol).
The house would be a federation farmhouse style, with a wide verandah and large windows. It would look alot like this...
It would have 3-4 bedrooms and good sized open plan kitchen/dining room and separate lounge room.
Heating would be provided by my mock fireplace (a gas heater, lol) and numerous quilts. The flooring would be polished wood floors in the kitchen/dining and lounge rooms (lounge room would have a nice rug), carpet in the bedrooms and tiles in bathroom. The kitchen/dining would be painted in a sunny yellow, the lounge room in a soft blue, bedrooms undecided, maybe a nice wallpaper, bathroom would be a light green (or maybe the sunny yellow from the kitchen) in untiled area, with tiles to suit.
The property would be a minimum of 1500 sq m, but is more likely to be around 4000 sq m (1 acre). I would have a vege garden, a worm farm and compost, a dog (for protection) and a cat (for cuddles). It might have a creek on the property.
I would not have cable tv, in fact, the one tv we do own will be a small one, very unappealing. We would have a computer with internet, but would limit usage.
The large town nearby would have a well-stocked library, a decent supermarket, a craft group, markets, a school, a plant nursery, and a pool (although this is optional, lol).
I dream of a home full of laughter and love, not burdened by the technologies and wants and stresses of today's society.
I won't be going to NZ this year, but not because of me and DH. It is because DH can't get leave to suit when I could go, so there is no-one to look after the kidlets. He actually suggested I go two weeks after he gets back, but I can't do that, the toddler would barely know his dad and DH wouldn't know toddler's routines or words sufficiently for me to be comfortable leaving for two weeks. I think I will go visit my best friend for a few days instead, so I get some sort of break from the kids after DH comes back.
DH emailed me recently and in it he actually suggested we go away for a weekend and I pointed out that we can watch tv at home for free. When we went on our honeymoon all those years ago we watched cricket on tv (we did do a couple of other things, but really, couldn't the tv have stayed off?). When my second son was making his way into the world we were watching rugby in the delivery room (not at the crucial moment, but you get my point). I hate the tv. It has done alot of damage in our relationship, which sounds bizarre, but for DH a nice weekend is spent on the couch, all day and most of the night. Yet he only sees his family on the weekend. Please tell me how this lack of interaction can be good for us as a family and a couple?
Perhaps when he received my reply about the weekend away he was disappointed. I don't know. He seems to want to sweep the mess of us under the rug and act like all is fine. But we don't say 'I love you', we don't say 'I miss you', so the awareness is there, just not referred too. Maybe he is just glad I am still here. We have heard stories of women clearing out while their DH is overseas. That is just plain nasty.
I had a moment today. I walked out of the kitchen to discover a sprinkling of potato chips all over the dining room and lounge room floors (thanks to middle and youngest boys). I hit the roof and sent the kids to their beds, yelling in their wake. Now, to any other person it might seem that I was acting very irrationally, they are just chips after all. But I had a house inspection last Monday and I had spent last weekend making the house as tidy and clean as it was when we first moved in (hours of work getting finger marks and pencil marks off walls, tidying rooms so that things were actually in their correct place, doing a de-clutter, etc). It made me want to continue having the house looking, if not spotless, at least not embarrassing when I have an unexpected visitor. And for today it did, for a couple of hours at least....then the chips. To top it off, my vacuum is bagless and the filter has to be washed regularly, so I washed it after I vacuumed today. This meant that my vacuum was out of action for the next couple of days, which wasn't a problem...until the chips. Seeing this mess all over the floors just made me 'spit the dummy' as my mum says. I got the broom out and cleaned up the hard way, but it just doesn't do the job a vacuum does. *sigh*
I was daydreaming earlier today about where I would like to be living and what my home would look like...
You would find me on a semi-rural property approximately 50km from a large town and no more than 4 hours from my mum. I would prefer town water (hence the semi-rural) but can live with tank water (been there, done that, survived, lol).
The house would be a federation farmhouse style, with a wide verandah and large windows. It would look alot like this...
It would have 3-4 bedrooms and good sized open plan kitchen/dining room and separate lounge room.
Heating would be provided by my mock fireplace (a gas heater, lol) and numerous quilts. The flooring would be polished wood floors in the kitchen/dining and lounge rooms (lounge room would have a nice rug), carpet in the bedrooms and tiles in bathroom. The kitchen/dining would be painted in a sunny yellow, the lounge room in a soft blue, bedrooms undecided, maybe a nice wallpaper, bathroom would be a light green (or maybe the sunny yellow from the kitchen) in untiled area, with tiles to suit.
The property would be a minimum of 1500 sq m, but is more likely to be around 4000 sq m (1 acre). I would have a vege garden, a worm farm and compost, a dog (for protection) and a cat (for cuddles). It might have a creek on the property.
I would not have cable tv, in fact, the one tv we do own will be a small one, very unappealing. We would have a computer with internet, but would limit usage.
The large town nearby would have a well-stocked library, a decent supermarket, a craft group, markets, a school, a plant nursery, and a pool (although this is optional, lol).
I dream of a home full of laughter and love, not burdened by the technologies and wants and stresses of today's society.
I won't be going to NZ this year, but not because of me and DH. It is because DH can't get leave to suit when I could go, so there is no-one to look after the kidlets. He actually suggested I go two weeks after he gets back, but I can't do that, the toddler would barely know his dad and DH wouldn't know toddler's routines or words sufficiently for me to be comfortable leaving for two weeks. I think I will go visit my best friend for a few days instead, so I get some sort of break from the kids after DH comes back.
DH emailed me recently and in it he actually suggested we go away for a weekend and I pointed out that we can watch tv at home for free. When we went on our honeymoon all those years ago we watched cricket on tv (we did do a couple of other things, but really, couldn't the tv have stayed off?). When my second son was making his way into the world we were watching rugby in the delivery room (not at the crucial moment, but you get my point). I hate the tv. It has done alot of damage in our relationship, which sounds bizarre, but for DH a nice weekend is spent on the couch, all day and most of the night. Yet he only sees his family on the weekend. Please tell me how this lack of interaction can be good for us as a family and a couple?
Perhaps when he received my reply about the weekend away he was disappointed. I don't know. He seems to want to sweep the mess of us under the rug and act like all is fine. But we don't say 'I love you', we don't say 'I miss you', so the awareness is there, just not referred too. Maybe he is just glad I am still here. We have heard stories of women clearing out while their DH is overseas. That is just plain nasty.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
A little meme
I found this on one of my favourite blogs Dancing with Frogs
ONE WORD ONLY! (Not as easy as you might think. )
1. Where is your cell phone? ………….handbag
2 Significant other?………………….. elsewhere
3. Your hair? …………………………………….. longish
4. Your mother? ……………………………….. quilting
5. Your father?…………………………………….. whereever
6. Your favorite thing?……………………….. reading
7. Your dream last night?………………….. work!
8. Your favorite drink? ……………………….. Milo
9. Your dream/goal?………………………….. NZ
10. The room you’re in?…………………….. tidier
11. Your ex?……………………………………….. undisclosed
12. Your fear?…………………………………….. pain
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?…….. happy
14. Where were you last night?………….. home
15. What you’re not?………………………….. sophisticated
16. Muffins?……………………………………….. chocolate
17. One of your wish list items?………….. rollingpin
18. Where you grew up?…………………….. everywhere
19. The last thing you did?………………….. type.
20. What are you wearing?………………….. trackies
21. Your TV?……………………………………….. boring
22. Your pets?…………………………………….. enlarged
23. Your computer? …………………………….. shared
24. Your life?……………………………………….. unsettled
25. Your mood?………………………………….. relaxed
26. Missing someone?……………………….. no
27. Your car?……………………………………….. Ford
28. Something you’re not wearing?…….. earrings
29. Favorite Store?……………………………….. library
30. Your summer?……………………………….. hot
31. Like(love) someone?…………………………….. offspring
32. Your favorite color?……………………….. blue
33. Last time you laughed?……………….. today
34. Last time you cried?……………………….. recently
35. Who will re-post this?…………………….. whoever….
ONE WORD ONLY! (Not as easy as you might think. )
1. Where is your cell phone? ………….handbag
2 Significant other?………………….. elsewhere
3. Your hair? …………………………………….. longish
4. Your mother? ……………………………….. quilting
5. Your father?…………………………………….. whereever
6. Your favorite thing?……………………….. reading
7. Your dream last night?………………….. work!
8. Your favorite drink? ……………………….. Milo
9. Your dream/goal?………………………….. NZ
10. The room you’re in?…………………….. tidier
11. Your ex?……………………………………….. undisclosed
12. Your fear?…………………………………….. pain
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years?…….. happy
14. Where were you last night?………….. home
15. What you’re not?………………………….. sophisticated
16. Muffins?……………………………………….. chocolate
17. One of your wish list items?………….. rollingpin
18. Where you grew up?…………………….. everywhere
19. The last thing you did?………………….. type.
20. What are you wearing?………………….. trackies
21. Your TV?……………………………………….. boring
22. Your pets?…………………………………….. enlarged
23. Your computer? …………………………….. shared
24. Your life?……………………………………….. unsettled
25. Your mood?………………………………….. relaxed
26. Missing someone?……………………….. no
27. Your car?……………………………………….. Ford
28. Something you’re not wearing?…….. earrings
29. Favorite Store?……………………………….. library
30. Your summer?……………………………….. hot
31. Like(love) someone?…………………………….. offspring
32. Your favorite color?……………………….. blue
33. Last time you laughed?……………….. today
34. Last time you cried?……………………….. recently
35. Who will re-post this?…………………….. whoever….
Friday, June 13, 2008
grrrr
Last night I discovered my washing machine no longer wanted to do it's little dance for me. I managed to get a technician out today and it is a problem with the circuit board. He has told me that I can get it reconditioned for $180 (plus GST and the call-out fee). So it looks like I will be without a machine for a week. A WEEK!!!! Argh!
Then I spent the rest of today driving to shops trying to find clips for vertical blinds. No luck, another argghh! I hate vertical blinds with a vengeance and this just justifies my dislike even further. What a pain in the behind.
So now the night is coming and I feel like I have achieved absolutely stuff all.
Then I spent the rest of today driving to shops trying to find clips for vertical blinds. No luck, another argghh! I hate vertical blinds with a vengeance and this just justifies my dislike even further. What a pain in the behind.
So now the night is coming and I feel like I have achieved absolutely stuff all.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Back from holiday
to explain my absence! I have been on holiday, lol. My best friend (13 yrs and counting) was having her second baby on Tuesday (just gone) and I went over late last week to help her get ready and to give her a bit of a hand while she was in hospital. It also gave us a chance to spend some quality time together and have a chat. Her lovely little boy arrived healthy and my friend is recovering well from her ceasarian (I don't think I spelled that right). I have spent two days having lots of cuddles with her tiny boy, I feel so lucky. 
I really didn't want to come home, but life calls and I had to come back. She would love for me to move closer (I would like that too), but it isn't going to happen.
My three boys came with me on this holiday and had a somewhat nice time. They got a bit bored sometimes, they are not used to entertaining themselves, but I figured it wouldn't kill them. I think the best part for them was having a go on the bikes. These are bikes with engines, not push bikes. lol.
I really didn't want to come home, but life calls and I had to come back. She would love for me to move closer (I would like that too), but it isn't going to happen.My three boys came with me on this holiday and had a somewhat nice time. They got a bit bored sometimes, they are not used to entertaining themselves, but I figured it wouldn't kill them. I think the best part for them was having a go on the bikes. These are bikes with engines, not push bikes. lol.
Tween on motorbike
No.2 preparing to ride the Quad bike
Toddler supervising
My friend and I chatted a bit about my marriage. She didn't like my DH for a long time, she thought he was arrogant beyond belief (my friend and her DH are farmers, my DH has never set foot on a farm, yet he was trying to tell them how to run their place, unbelievable but true!). He redeemed himself a little at one of our meet-ups (we get together at least every 6 months), but this redemption was brief, after another visit she decided she just didn't think he and I were suited (can't say I disagree these days). She respects my choice to stay in this marriage, but I know she thinks I should go.
So we chatted about this for a bit and it was good for me to do it. She is really the only one who knows the state of my marriage, I trust no-one else enough to discuss it with them (yet I blog it to the world, lol). Anyway, I feel like I can't make this marriage work, I am sick of trying. I have stayed mostly because of my job and the kids, but my happiness has suffered and I find I am often depressed. I never used to know what depressed felt like, but life has not been kind and so, as strong as I may seem on the outside, on the inside I am crying.
I was surprised to realise that I have not missed work at all, that I did not even really think about it until I was on my way home. Yet I can say that I love the job. Sadly, I am not really looking forward to going back on Monday. I know there is a pile of work ahead for me. I find that I am now thinking in terms of there being an end to it, that I have to tidy up and sort in preparation for my going, yet my going may not happen for another year. Even in my home I feel that same need to clear out old stuff that has sat in shelves and boxes, in preparation for when I leave. I cannot see what lies ahead, I am not frustrated by this, but I am aware that my life is about to go down a different path.
You may say 'why don't you talk to your DH about this?'. Well, DH and I have never been good at communication. We constantly misunderstand each other, our conversations deteriorate rather quickly into arguments. But also, he is away, under stress. I am not inconsiderate, I don't feel comfortable saying, over the phone, 'I feel unhappy in this marriage, I really can't see a future for us'. How would you feel?
I don't think I will be going to NZ this year. I am a little sad about it, but I need to resolve this other stuff with DH before going on a big holiday. Plus, I still don't want to go by myself, I think that really does suck. I would like to go with my boys, or with my best friend. A holiday like that is to be shared to be enjoyed. I mean, who really wants to barrel down a hill in a Zorb Ball, get out and laugh, but laugh alone? ewwww. I want to soak in a hot pool, with someone beside me I can chat with. I want to visit a museum and discuss what I see with someone else. Maybe I will go next year. I can feel it slipping away from me.
While on holiday I visited the birthplace of my first child. I had him when I was 15 yrs old, I was in a relationship with a man/boy who would become violent when angry. He didn't start off like that, he was a nice kid, but I think he got tired of pain and took it out on me. Our son died at 6 weeks old of meningitis. It was a newish disease then and it was picked up too late. The memories were brought back as I left the town we had been living in, I saw how much it had changed in the many years that have passed, even the caravan park was a poor reflection of what it was when we lived there. My son is buried elsewhere, I have visited the grave a few times over the years, I say a prayer for him and lay some fresh flowers. I think about the man/boy that he might have been. It is my little heartache.
My presentation...lol, I forgot the begining of my opening story and had to check in my notes, then I forgot part of another story, but recovered without too much trouble. It amazes me that I can get up and sing three days a week, but I can't tell a story to a large group of adults! I think there are a few reasons for this...
- I was out of my comfort zone (no children, lol)
- I felt like a fraud, I have only been doing this job for 10 months and there were people who have been doing it for 20 years
- lack of confidence exacerbated by the above two reasons
Anyway, I was glad when my 5 minutes was over.
Tomorrow and this weekend will be spent preparing the house for an inspection on Monday. I have a bit of work to do, cleaning pencil off the walls and fixing vertical blinds, I hate blinds with a passion, what is wrong with good old curtains that can be taken down and washed? It will be a general tidy up in all other areas.
Monday, June 2, 2008
If I think about it too much
my guts will start to churn and I will feel so sick. Tomorrow I am taking part in a Children's Services Workshop. I am one of the presenters, thankfully I am only doing small part. I am a bit nervous, but have been practising tonight and feel pretty good about it. I suppose it's when I am up in fornt of 60 or so people that I will get nervous. I am demonstrating a couple of draw and tell stories that I now know off by heart, I hope I don't stuff them up. I never ever saw myself where I am today. I was so shy in primary and highschool, and now I 'sing' three times a week in front of about 40 parents and 60 kids (total), and tomorrow I am reading stories to adults, as if I know what I am doing! I hadn't even heard of draw and tell stories until about 6 weeks ago! I surprise myself.
The boys both won their soccer games on Saturday. DS2 played really well, their team won 7-2 (first half was slow, we were down 2-1, there must have been something in the oranges in the break because our guys came back fighting!). DS1's game I mostly missed, but he said they won 1-0 and that he got his foot on the ball a couple of times, can't hope for more than that.
We had DS2's birthday party on Sunday afternoon (a week early because we will be away). We went to a big indoor playground and he had an absolute ball with a few of his mates from school and soccer. It was a great opportunity for me to meet a couple of other mums and spend some time with the ones I knew a bit. It was good fun and we all came home exhausted.
Back at work today and madly getting ready for being away tomorrow to attend the workshop, as well as getting stuff ready for while I am away next week for my friend's baby birth. There is someone I have never met running tomorrows Rhymetime, she was a late call in because my supervisor, who was going to do it, has to be away tomorrow too. So I had to have the craft, craft area, and stories, plus full instructions, completely ready for her for tomorrow. I hope the girl doesn't make 'my' kids cry! LOL.
DS2 has been practising lines, for a play he will be in. It is on the Tuesday after we come back from my friend's. He is pretty ready for it, I have been helping him with his lines and they are doing lots of rehearsals at school.
DS3 says 'come' and tugs on my pants, or pushes me. Usually it is because he wants me to put the Wiggles on. He can say 'off', oh and he started saying 'gop' this week, can you guess what word it is?.......Scott (DS1)!!! DS3 says 'bye, gop' lol!!!!! So cute. He also says - guck (truck), no no no, up, cheese, peese (please), wawa (water), mik (milk), bopple (bottle), Elmo (for everything on TV - Playschool, Wiggles, Elmo), car, bus, baa baa (sing me songs mum), din dins (dinner), hot, book, pish (fish). I am sure there is more, it is so cute to watch him learn.
I checked out another child care centre for DS3 today. It is fine, and quite a bit cheaper. My only problem is that they close for 4 weeks over December/January. What on earth would I do with DS3 then? I can't rely on DH to be home. I would like to send DS3 there, but I am going to have to think about things a bit. Yes, I could take holidays then, but what do I do about school holiday activities? I suppose I could get someone else to supervise. I am just a bit worried about it, is all, but my goodness I would save some money sending him there. Maybe I could get a casual babysitter in for days when I have to be at work, and then take leave for days when I don't. It's a bit messy though.
The boys both won their soccer games on Saturday. DS2 played really well, their team won 7-2 (first half was slow, we were down 2-1, there must have been something in the oranges in the break because our guys came back fighting!). DS1's game I mostly missed, but he said they won 1-0 and that he got his foot on the ball a couple of times, can't hope for more than that.
We had DS2's birthday party on Sunday afternoon (a week early because we will be away). We went to a big indoor playground and he had an absolute ball with a few of his mates from school and soccer. It was a great opportunity for me to meet a couple of other mums and spend some time with the ones I knew a bit. It was good fun and we all came home exhausted.
Back at work today and madly getting ready for being away tomorrow to attend the workshop, as well as getting stuff ready for while I am away next week for my friend's baby birth. There is someone I have never met running tomorrows Rhymetime, she was a late call in because my supervisor, who was going to do it, has to be away tomorrow too. So I had to have the craft, craft area, and stories, plus full instructions, completely ready for her for tomorrow. I hope the girl doesn't make 'my' kids cry! LOL.
DS2 has been practising lines, for a play he will be in. It is on the Tuesday after we come back from my friend's. He is pretty ready for it, I have been helping him with his lines and they are doing lots of rehearsals at school.
DS3 says 'come' and tugs on my pants, or pushes me. Usually it is because he wants me to put the Wiggles on. He can say 'off', oh and he started saying 'gop' this week, can you guess what word it is?.......Scott (DS1)!!! DS3 says 'bye, gop' lol!!!!! So cute. He also says - guck (truck), no no no, up, cheese, peese (please), wawa (water), mik (milk), bopple (bottle), Elmo (for everything on TV - Playschool, Wiggles, Elmo), car, bus, baa baa (sing me songs mum), din dins (dinner), hot, book, pish (fish). I am sure there is more, it is so cute to watch him learn.
I checked out another child care centre for DS3 today. It is fine, and quite a bit cheaper. My only problem is that they close for 4 weeks over December/January. What on earth would I do with DS3 then? I can't rely on DH to be home. I would like to send DS3 there, but I am going to have to think about things a bit. Yes, I could take holidays then, but what do I do about school holiday activities? I suppose I could get someone else to supervise. I am just a bit worried about it, is all, but my goodness I would save some money sending him there. Maybe I could get a casual babysitter in for days when I have to be at work, and then take leave for days when I don't. It's a bit messy though.
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