Like the ones my mum can't take anymore. She came home last Thurs and seemed to be doing well. Yesterday she was not her usual self. I was concerned, my bro was concerned. At 5.30 this morn he calls me to come round, I beat the ambulance there by about 10mins. Mum was struggling to breathe and in pain.
At first the hospital thought pneumonia. X rays and cat scans and ecg's later and all I know is that there is a blood clot in her right ventricle, fluid round her heart, and an infection. She is alive still, but I am lying here awake fearing for her life.
She gave me a list of items to take in, paper and pens and envelopes. I am afraid of what this means, that she is preparing to 'go'.
I don't think I'll ever be ready to say goodbye.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Count my blessings
Mum made it through her cancer surgery. Unfortunately she now has one lung instead of two, but gee, who needs two anyway?
I'm relieved and tired. It was an emotionally and mentally draining day. Fingers crossed she is home in a week.
I didn't get to the gym today and I missed it. A good sign that it won't take me long to get back in the habit.
It's been an unproductive week as far as work and housework goes, but I'm ok with that. Other things have been happening that require my attention.
I'm relieved and tired. It was an emotionally and mentally draining day. Fingers crossed she is home in a week.
I didn't get to the gym today and I missed it. A good sign that it won't take me long to get back in the habit.
It's been an unproductive week as far as work and housework goes, but I'm ok with that. Other things have been happening that require my attention.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
An unexpected turn of events
well, that's life, isn't it? Always throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it.
In my case, it started with two emails.
I woke up Monday morning to find I had not one, but two emails from D.
Now, for me to go back and locate the posts regarding him would be time consuming, so let me sum it up fairly quickly.
We met online late 2008, met in person after chatting online for a couple of weeks. Instant attraction for both of us. Attempted a long distance relationship for a couple of months, it didn't work. Lots of tears and heartbreak ensued. Couple of months later, back on again, a couple of months go by, then off again and so on and so forth for the next couple of years. Yep...years. In that time I moved to his city, where my mother also lived and she was unwell.
Then I was given information in 2011 that led me to believe he was engaged. I confronted him, he denied it. Later he came back and said it was true. It was at this point that I fell to pieces and all the effort I'd made to keep my life moving forwards ground to a complete halt. He was not the only issue I was having in my life, but his statement destroyed what little strength I had left. Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll find I was on medication for major depression, failing uni (I had to quit), unable to go to derby or have anything to do with it, sleeping excessively, barely surviving. He turns up on my doorstep and tells me he lied. My brain struggles to process this. Let's just say that the on again, off again relationship continues, but is more off than on.
Last year we had a 5 month 'off again'. The next time it was 6 months.
Then the emails land in my inbox.
I don't read them. I see them there and I know what they say. They say 'I miss you' and 'I have always loved you' and 'I'm sorry, I know I hurt you'. See, it's not the first time that I've received emails like this from him. I have a folder in my email account just for him. Remember the days when we had real love letters and we would keep them and wrap a ribbon round them, and every now and then we'd take them out and hold them and remember? Well, that is my folder. I can't wrap a ribbon round it, and I can't hold it, but I can look at it sitting there and remember.
I continue my morning routine. All the time I am thinking of these emails, thinking about what they signify. I do school lunches, I get kids to school, I go to the gym, all the while thinking.
What am I thinking? Quite simple really. He wants to be back in my life and I have to decide whether I want that to happen.
I've been on my own for a while now. I quite like it. It's uncomplicated, mostly smooth sailing. Having him back in my life actually wouldn't change much, other than making time for him now and then. We no longer have a particularly demanding 'relationship'. Over the years I have learnt not to bother being demanding, and he never was. We meet, we talk, we sleep together, he goes home. We text a little. It's not really complicated. I could say that I make it complicated with my accusations and my fears and the anger that raises its' ugly head when my 'expectations' have not been met.
I'm getting too old for the drama. Getting set in my ways so that I can't envision actually living with a partner.
Home from the gym, I have a shower, then soak my aching muscles in a hot bath. There's a knock at the door that I ignore, I just assume it's Jehovah's Witnesses. A little voice in the back of my head whispers 'No, it's D.' Still, I don't rush out because I'm not dressed. I keep thinking.
Later, I'm in the kitchen getting breakfast when there's a knock on my door. I go to the door and see it is D. I feel no surprise at all. I simply say hello and let him in, telling him that I'm just getting something ready if he wants to sit down. He tells me he came by earlier, that he thought he'd try one more time before heading home.
He tells me his heart is beating a million miles an hour. I am calm. So very very calm. I can't explain this. We talk for hours, about many different things. I read the emails while he is there because he asks me to. They say what I expected them to. He reiterates what he wrote, tells me how he has been feeling for the last few months, asks me if there's any hope. Asks me if I still care for him, love him even.
I cannot say 'love' to him. There is too much hurt, too much disappointment. We reminisce about the first time we met in person, how intense it was. Care for him? Yes. I had missed him at times. A song would come on and it would trigger a memory or I'd drive past his old workplace and think of him. He was a memory, albeit a bittersweet one.
And now he is back. I can't make him any promises and I ask none of him. I think we are beyond that now. We've known each other for so long that some things don't matter. Accepting him as the flawed human that he is, and knowing my own weaknesses, will be the key to this working at all.
On another note...
My mum goes in to hospital tomorrow. Today I spent a lovely day with her and my uncle. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, at least I know she loved me.
In my case, it started with two emails.
I woke up Monday morning to find I had not one, but two emails from D.
Now, for me to go back and locate the posts regarding him would be time consuming, so let me sum it up fairly quickly.
We met online late 2008, met in person after chatting online for a couple of weeks. Instant attraction for both of us. Attempted a long distance relationship for a couple of months, it didn't work. Lots of tears and heartbreak ensued. Couple of months later, back on again, a couple of months go by, then off again and so on and so forth for the next couple of years. Yep...years. In that time I moved to his city, where my mother also lived and she was unwell.
Then I was given information in 2011 that led me to believe he was engaged. I confronted him, he denied it. Later he came back and said it was true. It was at this point that I fell to pieces and all the effort I'd made to keep my life moving forwards ground to a complete halt. He was not the only issue I was having in my life, but his statement destroyed what little strength I had left. Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll find I was on medication for major depression, failing uni (I had to quit), unable to go to derby or have anything to do with it, sleeping excessively, barely surviving. He turns up on my doorstep and tells me he lied. My brain struggles to process this. Let's just say that the on again, off again relationship continues, but is more off than on.
Last year we had a 5 month 'off again'. The next time it was 6 months.
Then the emails land in my inbox.
I don't read them. I see them there and I know what they say. They say 'I miss you' and 'I have always loved you' and 'I'm sorry, I know I hurt you'. See, it's not the first time that I've received emails like this from him. I have a folder in my email account just for him. Remember the days when we had real love letters and we would keep them and wrap a ribbon round them, and every now and then we'd take them out and hold them and remember? Well, that is my folder. I can't wrap a ribbon round it, and I can't hold it, but I can look at it sitting there and remember.
I continue my morning routine. All the time I am thinking of these emails, thinking about what they signify. I do school lunches, I get kids to school, I go to the gym, all the while thinking.
What am I thinking? Quite simple really. He wants to be back in my life and I have to decide whether I want that to happen.
I've been on my own for a while now. I quite like it. It's uncomplicated, mostly smooth sailing. Having him back in my life actually wouldn't change much, other than making time for him now and then. We no longer have a particularly demanding 'relationship'. Over the years I have learnt not to bother being demanding, and he never was. We meet, we talk, we sleep together, he goes home. We text a little. It's not really complicated. I could say that I make it complicated with my accusations and my fears and the anger that raises its' ugly head when my 'expectations' have not been met.
I'm getting too old for the drama. Getting set in my ways so that I can't envision actually living with a partner.
Home from the gym, I have a shower, then soak my aching muscles in a hot bath. There's a knock at the door that I ignore, I just assume it's Jehovah's Witnesses. A little voice in the back of my head whispers 'No, it's D.' Still, I don't rush out because I'm not dressed. I keep thinking.
Later, I'm in the kitchen getting breakfast when there's a knock on my door. I go to the door and see it is D. I feel no surprise at all. I simply say hello and let him in, telling him that I'm just getting something ready if he wants to sit down. He tells me he came by earlier, that he thought he'd try one more time before heading home.
He tells me his heart is beating a million miles an hour. I am calm. So very very calm. I can't explain this. We talk for hours, about many different things. I read the emails while he is there because he asks me to. They say what I expected them to. He reiterates what he wrote, tells me how he has been feeling for the last few months, asks me if there's any hope. Asks me if I still care for him, love him even.
I cannot say 'love' to him. There is too much hurt, too much disappointment. We reminisce about the first time we met in person, how intense it was. Care for him? Yes. I had missed him at times. A song would come on and it would trigger a memory or I'd drive past his old workplace and think of him. He was a memory, albeit a bittersweet one.
And now he is back. I can't make him any promises and I ask none of him. I think we are beyond that now. We've known each other for so long that some things don't matter. Accepting him as the flawed human that he is, and knowing my own weaknesses, will be the key to this working at all.
On another note...
My mum goes in to hospital tomorrow. Today I spent a lovely day with her and my uncle. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, at least I know she loved me.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Time to face reality
about my weight. I'm to be a bridesmaid in October and I don't want to be wearing a size 20/22 dress.
Last May -
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34
Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg.
Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.
Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.
I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate.
Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore.
I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.
I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.
Last May -
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34
Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg.
Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.
Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.
I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate.
Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore.
I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.
I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.
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