Stomping my feet and having a little cry

Feeling really down and frustrated right now. Took myself off to the Dr about my incredibly painful left heel. I've been ignoring it for months, then in the lead up to nursing prac I went and saw a podiatrist who incorrectly diagnosed the problem and did not help me.

So off to the Dr I went. It's been diagnosed as a calcaneal stress fracture. I know I did it running. Too much, too soon as always (f***ing idiot). So I am supposed to be non-weight bearing for 6-8 wks. Never mind that I have nursing prac in a bit over a week. Told the Dr about it and he suggested I do my prac on crutches. Yeah....no. I will self pain medicate and be on my feet for 8 f***ing hours, 3 days per week for two weeks. Almost in tears over the whole thing as the pain and inconvenience could have been avoided. Just like my high blood pressure, and my weight, I could have resolved it long ago.

I also discussed incontinence with the Dr. Yeh. Embarrassing much? :-/ But the issue I have is worsening and needs to be resolved (nurses don't get many pee breaks).

My day improved when I met a friend for coffee and then we went off to the movies. We had each other giggling all afternoon.

Then...I get home, there's a letter from the Landlord. I assume it's telling me I'm due for an inspection. Nope. It was a letter telling me that I have to move out within 3 months. I've been in this house for 4 and a half yrs. I love it's location. I like my neighbours. I love my small boys' school. I don't want to move and it bloody well sucks that our time here is at an end.

Meh.

3 strikes and I'm out

On to the next date. This time with B, who appeared intelligent and funny via text.

First date, I'm kept waiting, but he has the decency to text to let me know he's running late. He turns up wearing pretty casual clothes and thongs. Although he is 6' 2", he slouches as he walks, so seems shorter. I wave and call out hello as he comes closer, and then he opens his mouth to reply. Oh sweet Lordy Jesus. Meth Mouth. Cannot call it anything else. I try to shrug it off because I've liked his brain so far, but all the while my mind is ticking, because you don't get teeth like that (or a lack of teeth) without some serious drug abuse, or long time poor dental hygiene.

We walk along for about 30mins, chatting about various things. He's unemployed, but had previously worked for 13 yrs in the metal industry. He has a son who is in the custody of B's mother (this really ought to have been a red flag moment). We stopped for coffee and chatted some more. In setting up the meeting, I had made sure that time was limited, as I wanted to have a valid reason for leaving. I have to say, I enjoyed his company. He was pretty nicely spoken, reads interesting books, didn't smell bad. Didn't have a good relationship with his dad, but was very much a mummy's boy. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to continue getting to know him so I asked him if he'd like to see a movie later that week. He said yes.

Yes, the teeth bothered me. He brought them up in conversation and gave me the impression that it was because of a genetic condition. I accepted that, with reservations. It just did not sit quite right.

Next date. We went and had milkshakes before the movies. He held my hand. We talked. Watched the movie. He stole a kiss outside the cinemas (unexpected and not encouraged, but ok). Talked some more. Went up to a lookout and sat watching ships come in for awhile. It was nice. It didn't feel pressured. He had brought up sex a couple of times and I made it clear I wasn't in a rush to go there. He seemed fine with that. Drug use is mentioned but he gives the impression that it wasn't a long term thing. I have my doubts.

I drop him off at his halfway house (yeh. Red flag number 2). He couldn't drive because of being drunk while driving multiple times (red flag number 3). Of course it was the ex's fault. He texts me an hour or so after our 2nd date and tells me he's fallen for me (sigh. Red flag number 4).

Texts are not explicit, but he talks 'sexy' more. I sigh. He says he loves me. I think 'for real? how on earth?'

Date 3. I have to go buy a gazebo and I invite him to come along for the ride. I pick him up. His hand goes on my knee. I can't decide if I mind or not so I leave it. We go find a gazebo. We go for lunch at a food court. He starts talking about one day when we move in together and various things along that line. I laugh it off because, seriously, it's the 3rd date, and it's not much of a date. He has a little whine about how busy I am this coming weekend and how it's hard to juggle things when you have kids (yeh, I know all about that).

I drop him off after lunch.

So, at that stage I like him a bit. No sparks, but I don't expect that anymore. He's nice, and courteous, and ok looking (besides the teeth, which are fixable). I think it could be fine to keep dating, but I'm going to have to tell him to chill out as he's thinking way too far ahead.

I'm at work on the weekend. Long hours, pretty full on. On the Sat he tells me he's having a bad day and doesn't feel like talking, so I leave him to it, don't hear from him again that day or the next morning. The next day I am worried about conserving ph battery so I turn it off at 9. I turn it back on at 11 to find 2 missed calls and 3 messages with him whining about me not answering my ph (along the lines of, 'fine, you don't want to talk to me, whatever'). I ignore all of it and am pretty annoyed by his attitude. I wasn't expecting to hear from him and he knew I was working. He then turns up outside my work, with his mum and son! I wave hello and continue what I am doing. He doesn't come in and talk to me and when I look back up, they have gone.

Right. I am done. I do not need another child. I do not want drama. I text him and say that my ph had been turned off and his comments were childish. I told him he needed to sort out his drama before he dates and that I was not comfy meeting his family after only 3 dates.

He chucked a small tanty.

It was all a little too intense for me.

I think I'll forget about dating for a while. 3 strikes and I'm out.

Another dating fail

I'm so over dating, or maybe I'm over thinking it.

Didn't get anywhere with G. Wasn't an issue that we'd met before, just didn't come of anything.

Started chatting to S. A stay-at-home dad with a young son. Works part-time. Chatted for a couple of weeks before meeting.

We went on a morning play date. I took my youngest and met S's little boy. It went fine, I thought (in comparison to other meet ups I've had). I spent a couple of hours listening to S tell me about his past, with the occasional interjection from myself. I'm used to this, every guy I've ever met has a tendency to just talk about themselves. Our boys got on fine and enjoyed the playground.

I felt the conversation went well. Nothing negative. I was non-judgmental, considerate, empathetic, interested in his kid, blah blah blah. Didn't hear from him till late that night. He responded to my text about enjoying the day and then said he'd thought I was hot. I told him that I hadn't realised he thought that, he asked why, and I said I wasn't sure, I just laughed it off. Then nothing. Sent a good morning text like we've been doing all week, didn't get a reply for hours and then it was just 'hi'.

So I spent some time thinking about it today, about why I hadn't got the impression that he thought I was anything special. I realised it was because he hadn't shown any interest in me and my life. Sure we'd talked and I'd been able to tell him something about myself, but not because he asked.

I think I can strike this one off and go back to not bothering again.

I just don't get it tho. I am a nice person. I am a good person. I am not perfect. Why is it so damn hard to find someone who can enjoy my company, have a conversation with me, show interest in me as a person?

It just feels too hard.

Oh, and D messaged me out of the blue saying he was thinking about us having sex.

....whatever...

This could be awkward, or fate....

So, in this post back in 2009 I talk about chatting to G. In the next post I have met him and been put off by his forward behaviour.

Well. Without realising that we'd met before, I contacted him on a dating website last week. We've been chatting quite happily via the site for quite a few days now and I had the growing suspicion that we had met before. I've confirmed that by finding out his name, age, and by my previous post. He still has the 2 older boys, but he now also has a 2.5 yr old of whom he has shared care. He told me that he's been single for about 3 yrs, so I'm guessing the pregnancy was a surprise and that he wasn't with the mum for that long before it happened.

Do I tell him that I think we've met before? I daresay it would come out at some point and he may have already realised it. Awkward. Since I fobbed him off before do I continue it now? My impression of him is still that he is a nice guy, has his head screwed on right.

Ok, so I've messaged him to say I think we might have met before. Now to see where that goes...

Thought Provoking

I love conversations with people that get me thinking about things that I may or may not have had an interest in previously.

So tonight I was taking my bro's fiance home (new development, she's rather sweet and quiet, be interesting to see how it goes) and we were discussing her tutoring work. This is not something I had ever seriously considered doing myself for money, but I have done it in the past as a volunteer. We were discussing a client of hers who is 5 yrs old and is not going well with her literacy at school.

So my first thought was - hang on, she's 5, give the kid a break. However, we are now heading into Term 4 here in Oz, and she has not grasped a number of sight words that would be reasonably expected by now.

I asked how she was with her alphabet, since that is the basis for our reading. 'Not confident' was the response.

I asked if she had gone to preschool, and Em did not know. I asked if the parents read to the child, again, Em didn't know.

I'm not setting out to criticise Em's methods. I don't know how she structures her lessons. I'm not sure she has much experience working with small children. Therefore, our conversation became more about sharing ideas for keeping the child interested in learning.

I came away from it feeling quite invigorated about the topic of literacy and tutoring, and realising that it IS something I would be well qualified to tutor in, if that is the way I go.

Literacy begins at home. It begins with your interactions with your baby, your responses to her first sounds, the way you copy her when she moves her mouth (I have boys, it's nice to write about girls for a change :-) ). I used to talk to all my children when they were babies - 'look at the tree!' 'That's a bird' etc etc. Literacy is built upon language. A child benefits from hearing words spoken, from descriptions of things.

I exposed my children to books from around 6 mths. Board books are a wonderful thing! Again, it is your interaction with your child. Point to the picture, say the word. This is how the child learns that words are associated with things. It enables them to create pictures in their head of the thing, then find the word associated with that picture. I see a chair, I know it is a chair, I can associate the word to that thing.

The English language is such a convoluted, complex, mess of synonyms and antonyms and similes and....blergh! It's awful. Awful to explain to a 5 or 6 yr old that yes, that is the word lead (reed), but it's also the word lead (red). Arggghh. It's an amazing and wonderful thing that we are able to wrap our ever developing brains around it and have it make sense.

One of the more important aspects of learning to read is repetition. Repetition can drive us adults slightly barmy, but small children really do get a lot from it. It's how they learn routines for starters, how they learn to dress themselves, feed themselves, and so on. Repetition is another word for PRACTICE!

I've noticed that some children today (one of my own included) don't seem to cope with the need for repetition. They are too easily disappointed when they don't get something right the first time, too quick to give up. I attended singing lessons for a short time as a child, and the main part I remember is that every time I came in to the lesson I had to show that I had practiced my scales. It was boring, I wanted to get on with the good stuff, but my teacher did not let me. She knew how important practice was.

Anyway, back to thinking about literacy and tutoring. I believe it is important to get an idea of the child's background. I would ask questions like...
- Has your child attended preschool? If yes, did they have a school prep program?
With these questions I want to get an idea of whether the child has been struggling for a while. It may be that she needs glasses and it hasn't been picked up. Possibly there is a learning delay.

- Do you have books in your home? Does anyone in the home enjoy recreational reading?
This will tell me whether books are valued and enjoyed in the home. Lack of books in the home can create a barrier to literacy, but there are ways around this, eg encourage the child to borrow from the school library, label things around the home

- Do you read to your child regularly?
My view is that the parent is the first opportunity for a child to experience language. If the child is not being read to regularly, or at all, then there may be ways to encourage the family to participate in the child's learning.

Schools send home readers home with children. The aim is to have the child read the book with the parent. If a child cannot read, then the parent can read the page, then encourage the child to repeat the words.

In the case of Em's child, I would want more info from the parents about the child's exposure to books. I would assess the child to see how basic her grasp of English was. If it is as poor as it seems, I would then start with letter tracing (the sandpaper letters Montessori schools use are great for this). Children are visual/tactile little people. When babies, they 'feel' everything with their hands and mouth. As they grow they hold things in their hands and move them around, they test things to see what will happen. So from that, I believe a tactile introduction would be a good start. Games are also good. Simple ones that go for only a few minutes at a time, that can be repeated. Also, nursery rhymes. You can clap as you sing so that children learn the rhythm of sentences, it's also an introduction to words with more than one syllable. If you have a book with the rhyme, point to the words as you sing them. This is the kind of program I would do with preschool age children, and that seems to be where her level is.

Start with a foundation and build on that.

hmmmm the word 'thing' has been seriously over used in this post :-/  

Lazy single girl

D has contacted asking if I have any free time this weekend. I do, but had planned to use it productively. 

Reasons for not having him over...

-Have to tidy house, particularly messy bedroom

-Have to do maintenance on self, shave etc

-Not get other stuff done so will feel like I've wasted a few hrs

Reasons to have him over...

-Sex

Meh. Don't think I can be bothered.

*Insert relevant title here*

I was going to re read the last post before writing this one, but I can see its been a while since I wrote so I won't bother.

Mum was in and out of hospital for a couple of months after having a lung removed. She has improved now, to the point where she is able to drive again. However, her doctors have reviewed her case and advised her that she would not be able to have radiation or chemo as her quality of life would be very poor and the treatment would not really benefit her. This means she doesn't get to buy any time. The prognosis is she has a year, maybe 2. 

These past few months, where I have assisted in her care, have not been stress free. She is a challenging woman with strong opinions that she is not afraid to verbalise. I have had to bite my tongue many times when she has insulted me or my brothers. She has been tiresome and unpleasant and we tolerated it till recently because of her illness. There comes a point where enough is enough and I had it out with her. I explained to her that we, her children, were concerned about how unhappy she was and how she was taking it out on us. She claimed to have no idea what I was talking about so I gave her some examples. She stated that she was perfectly happy and was not a smiley person so we shouldn't expect that from her. I pointed out she treats non family members very differently. It went round and round in circles as these things sometimes do, but it seems to have got through to her as she was quite pleasant when I saw her this week and we had a nice intelligent conversation about societal values regarding extroverts vs introverts. 

However, my youngest brother is living at home with mum and has not been coping. She has taken much of her anger out on him and, from my point of view, has behaved quite badly towards him. I tried to make her understand that he is living with his dying mother, he is faced with it every time he sees her, so it would be very confronting. Also, as he has a mild disability, he is struggling to get his head around the fact that she may not be there in a year. His answer is to resort to drugs to block out all the bad stuff.she then judges him for using drugs and things deteriorate from there. I think there is/was a co-dependent relationship there, made even stronger by the fact that mum has allowed him to use his mild disability as an excuse for not succeeding in life, and as a way to not teach him the skills he needs to survive on his own. I don't know how he is going to cope when mum goes and it would not surprise me if he ends up living with me at some point. I'm already a little tired thinking about the prospect, but I'm hopefully worrying about nothing.

Now to my life

My nearly adult(!!) son has got a job! Relieved would be putting it mildly. He finishes school in Nov and I am glad he will actually have an income. His employers seem to like him. I am still encouraging him to consider the Army next yr, but he is talking about going to TAFE (technical college) and doing something related to animal care. He's realised his whole mechanic phase was not what he wanted to do with his life right now and I am quite ok with that now that he has employment. 

My now 13yr old is incredibly jealous of his big bro's employment and has been trying very hard to secure some for himself. Unfortunately he is just a bit too young, so he and I are going to team up and sell Avon for a bit.

Little boy is as gorgeous as ever. 

Me, well, could be better. Was diagnosed with high blood pressure earlier this year and am on medication for that. Then had further bloods taken which show I am pre-diabetic. This means that I have to clean up my diet and lose the weight now or I am destined for a sick future. In the month since finding out I have lost two kilos and cleaned up my diet a lot. Still not perfect, but I'm getting there. Managed a 10k run last Sunday, did a poor time, but completed it and ran most of it.

I'm still not working, I have opted instead to go back to school and do an Assistant in Nursing course.  We're three weeks in and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I'm doing it with one of my brothers and we're going well. I'm not sure what area I would like to specialise in, but he is keen for trauma/ED. We will both probably move on to do the Enrolled Nursing course as there are better job prospects. AIN's mostly end up in Aged Care and while I would appreciate the work experience, it's not what I want to do for life. I daydream about going outback and nursing there, or travelling around Australia picking up contract work. I feel like this isn't really an option with kids. Oldest boy will move out next year, but the middle boy and youngest will still be home. I see a bright future for the youngest (potentially. Could just be a biased mother talking tho) and I realise I need to be in a big town for him to achieve. Middle boy will be working next year and is already considering his future options. I just feel like my daydreams are not an option in the foreseeable future. Who knows what may come tho. 

Oh, love life? That's laughable. I've seen D twice since he begged to be back in my life again (months ago). I really don't care about him one way or another and so haven't been particularly bothered by this. Even now, when I have a little more time to think about him/sex/love, I really feel very little at all. I should probably tell him to lose my number, but the likelihood is that he'd contact me another six months down the track and I'd have to listen to it all again. Well, I wouldn't have to, but...well, it's nice hearing that someone misses you, even when you know they don't really mean it.

Besides D, I have had little to no interest in being with someone, romantically or otherwise. It is much less complicated being single and I like just suiting myself. The boys are away this weekend and I'm looking forward to sleeping in, catching up with a friend or two for coffee, maybe see a movie, not having to talk to anyone if I choose. The thought of having to make time for a romantic interest just seems too bothersome.

Oop, dinner needs some attention

Cheers for now

Deep breaths

Like the ones my mum can't take anymore. She came home last Thurs and seemed to be doing well. Yesterday she was not her usual self. I was concerned, my bro was concerned. At 5.30 this morn he calls me to come round, I beat the ambulance there by about 10mins. Mum was struggling to breathe and in pain.

At first the hospital thought pneumonia. X rays and cat scans and ecg's later and all I know is that there is a blood clot in her right ventricle, fluid round her heart, and an infection. She is alive still, but I am lying here awake fearing for her life.

She gave me a list of items to take in, paper and pens and envelopes. I am afraid of what this means, that she is preparing to 'go'.

I don't think I'll ever be ready to say goodbye.

Count my blessings

Mum made it through her cancer surgery. Unfortunately she now has one lung instead of two, but gee, who needs two anyway?

I'm relieved and tired. It was an emotionally and mentally draining day. Fingers crossed she is home in a week.

I didn't get to the gym today and I missed it. A good sign that it won't take me long to get back in the habit.

It's been an unproductive week as far as work and housework goes, but I'm ok with that. Other things have been happening that require my attention.

An unexpected turn of events

well, that's life, isn't it? Always throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it.

In my case, it started with two emails.

I woke up Monday morning to find I had not one, but two emails from D.

Now, for me to go back and locate the posts regarding him would be time consuming, so let me sum it up fairly quickly.

We met online late 2008, met in person after chatting online for a couple of weeks. Instant attraction for both of us. Attempted a long distance relationship for a couple of months, it didn't work. Lots of tears and heartbreak ensued. Couple of months later, back on again, a couple of months go by, then off again and so on and so forth for the next couple of years. Yep...years. In that time I moved to his city, where my mother also lived and she was unwell.

Then I was given information in 2011 that led me to believe he was engaged. I confronted him, he denied it. Later he came back and said it was true. It was at this point that I fell to pieces and all the effort I'd made to keep my life moving forwards ground to a complete halt. He was not the only issue I was having in my life, but his statement destroyed what little strength I had left. Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll find I was on medication for major depression, failing uni (I had to quit), unable to go to derby or have anything to do with it, sleeping excessively, barely surviving. He turns up on my doorstep and tells me he lied.  My brain struggles to process this. Let's just say that the on again, off again relationship continues, but is more off than on.

Last year we had a 5 month 'off again'. The next time it was 6 months.

Then the emails land in my inbox.

I don't read them. I see them there and I know what they say. They say 'I miss you' and 'I have always loved you' and 'I'm sorry, I know I hurt you'. See, it's not the first time that I've received emails like this from him. I have a folder in my email account just for him. Remember the days when we had real love letters and we would keep them and wrap a ribbon round them, and every now and then we'd take them out and hold them and remember? Well, that is my folder. I can't wrap a ribbon round it, and I can't hold it, but I can look at it sitting there and remember.

I continue my morning routine. All the time I am thinking of these emails, thinking about what they signify. I do school lunches, I get kids to school, I go to the gym, all the while thinking.

What am I thinking? Quite simple really. He wants to be back in my life and I have to decide whether I want that to happen.

I've been on my own for a while now. I quite like it. It's uncomplicated, mostly smooth sailing. Having him back in my life actually wouldn't change much, other than making time for him now and then. We no longer have a particularly demanding 'relationship'. Over the years I have learnt not to bother being demanding, and he never was. We meet, we talk, we sleep together, he goes home. We text a little. It's not really complicated. I could say that I make it complicated with my accusations and my fears and the anger that raises its' ugly head when my 'expectations' have not been met.

I'm getting too old for the drama. Getting set in my ways so that I can't envision actually living with a partner.

Home from the gym, I have a shower, then soak my aching muscles in a hot bath. There's a knock at the door that I ignore, I just assume it's Jehovah's Witnesses. A little voice in the back of my head whispers 'No, it's D.' Still, I don't rush out because I'm not dressed. I keep thinking.

Later, I'm in the kitchen getting breakfast when there's a knock on my door. I go to the door and see it is D. I feel no surprise at all. I simply say hello and let him in, telling him that I'm just getting something ready if he wants to sit down. He tells me he came by earlier, that he thought he'd try one more time before heading home.

He tells me his heart is beating a million miles an hour. I am calm. So very very calm. I can't explain this. We talk for hours, about many different things. I read the emails while he is there because he asks me to. They say what I expected them to. He reiterates what he wrote, tells me how he has been feeling for the last few months, asks me if there's any hope. Asks me if I still care for him, love him even.

I cannot say 'love' to him. There is too much hurt, too much disappointment. We reminisce about the first time we met in person, how intense it was. Care for him? Yes. I had missed him at times. A song would come on and it would trigger a memory or I'd drive past his old workplace and think of him. He was a memory, albeit a bittersweet one.

And now he is back. I can't make him any promises and I ask none of him. I think we are beyond that now. We've known each other for so long that some things don't matter. Accepting him as the flawed human that he is, and knowing my own weaknesses, will be the key to this working at all.

On another note...

My mum goes in to hospital tomorrow. Today I spent a lovely day with her and my uncle. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, at least I know she loved me.

Time to face reality

about my weight. I'm to be a bridesmaid in October and I don't want to be wearing a size 20/22 dress.

Last May - 
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34

Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg. 

Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.

Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.

I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate. 

Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore. 

I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.

I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.

Rolling on

I started back at derby training today. I am back with the freshmeat. I'm not confident, yet, but I gave it my all and feel I achieved what I wanted to.

Spent the morning with mum and Little Boy at a reptile show. I won't miss her criticism of my parenting. The reptile show was ok, very crowded.

I'm tired. It's been a long day containing mental and physical challenges.

It's been a while...

and things are different, but not different.

My weight is back up to what it was last January, which is disappointing but not unsurprising. I had a period where I was quite ill with gallstones and was unable to exercise, this was only resolved in January, much to my relief. Now it is a matter of getting back into exercise and this is a current struggle.

Hmmm, well, I quit my job last June and started working officially in childcare. Loved the job, hated the hours and pay and really struggled to cope. Woke up one day in Jan, not long after my gallbladder surgery, and decided I didn't want to go back to work. And I didn't. I emailed my resignation in Feb and am slowly adjusting to living on a very low income.

On the plus side, I am in the process of trying to kick off a small business. It's a typical stay at home mum type business, where I make hand crafted items to sell, but I am already seeing some success and feeling quite positive about where I'm headed.

The kids are fine. Teen is still at school and seems to be coping. He doesn't have a job yet and this is now a conflict for us as my income is so reduced. He frequently asks for hand-outs and I just don't have anything to give him. He does now have his learner driver licence and we try to do an hour a week of lessons. Tween has had a growth spurt and at 12 yrs old is now taller than me. He eats as much as his older brother. School is a bore for him, so he says, but he has big plans for his future and I have a feeling he will muddle along fairly well. He is keen to have a job and is counting the weeks till he can apply. Little Boy is my little delight as always. He makes me laugh every day and surprises me with his insights. I am thankful for him. He is doing very well in school, enjoys reading and loves maths.

I was prompted to start writing in this blog again because of the recent news that my mother, aged 59, has lung cancer. She also has an aortic dissection, which simply complicates matters further. She has had the aortic dissection since Easter 2009, so it's coming up to 4yrs. The doctors did not expect her to live this long, but she is a stubborn woman and was not ready to die.

Unfortunately the lung cancer means her time is nearly up.

At this point she has stage 2 lung cancer. She is experiencing tiredness and weight loss and has lost her appetite. She has had 2 severe chest infections already this year and I expect she will have another as winter comes on. We spent some time discussing it today and I got the impression that she does not expect to see another Christmas.

No child wants to be faced with the mortality of our parents. It's easy to pretend that your parent will be there forever, until you are confronted with the reality of a life that is ending.

As I always do when faced with a new subject/dilemma/issue, I googled. I looked up lung cancer and read all I could. I looked up blogs by people living with it. I feel like I have a reasonable understanding of what is happening at this point in time.

Tonight I spent time looking for books on Death and Dying. I am looking for information on how I can be a good support, on what I could possibly expect in the future. Knowledge is my strength and gives me comfort.

I am fine. Sad, but not a mess. Just sad. When talking to mum today we discussed her options for treatment. Chemotherapy is out, because of her dissection and because the doctors feel it won't be beneficial for her. A meeting is to be had with a surgeon in the near future and he will decide if he wants to attempt surgery. Again, the dissection is an issue as it runs close to her lung and affects her heart. There is a real possibility she may not come out of surgery. After surgery is radiation, and mum has decided she does not want it. She has discussed it with friends who have dealt with cancer, and also with her doctor, and she feels it is not worth the loss of quality of life.

As soon as I had heard what her options were I knew there was a likelihood she would say no to treatment. At this point she has said she will consider surgery, but if it is ruled out then she will just live out her days, however many they may be.

She has insisted we keep her cancer quiet, among close family and friends only. I can see her point but I struggle with it as it is not what I would do. I turn to the people in my world for support and comfort, mum needs only herself and her children. She has always been a private person, much worse than I was. I guess I learned the behaviour from her in the first place.

This is an experience I had hoped not to have for a few years yet.