the day arrives

Well, tomorrow DH leaves for his trip. I have mixed feelings, I feel some sadness, but that is more for the kids sake, I feel relief knowing that we won't be playing these stupid mind games with each other for a while.

DH and I went out for dinner a couple of nights ago. It was a lovely restaurant and we actually had a nice time chatting. I commented on how nice that we had managed not to talk kids and money for a change and DH laughed and said that it was because we no longer cared. I think he was referring to the state of our relationship with each other, we are back to just being friends without so much emotional attachment and bulls#*t, so now we can have a general conversation. How bizarre is that, that we have to distance ourselves to be able to get on!

I had one shock at this meal. I was discussing our planned trip to NZ and DH said something that made me stop and say 'You don't want to go do you?', I had been getting that feeling from him for a while. He agreed and so I said that was fine, me and the boys would go, then he said that actually, they didn't want to go either, he had talked to them and they had all decided they were going skiing instead. Now DH knows that I have no interest or desire in skiing and snow, so I was a bit surprised, particularly when I learned that this had been decided a month ago. Then he said, 'why don't you go to NZ anyway?', meaning by myself. I was still a bit speechless from the whole not going to NZ thing, so when he said that I went into shock. I had never imagined going to NZ by myself, I had pictured us as a family experiencing what NZ had to offer, and visiting places I had been as a child, it hurt alot to think that they were not interested in something so important to me.

I got over it though and last night started planning my trip. My single regret in life is that I didn't go when I had planned to 9 years ago. I had already started paying for the trip, but I met DH and spent the money on a trip to QLD with him instead. I have been kicking myself since, because then two more kids came along and it seemed an impossibility. But now I can do it, and do all the things I want to, at my pace. This includes visiting museums (groan groan from kids and DH), going zorbing and river sledging, and visiting mud pools and hot baths. After getting over my shock I am now quite excited!

So it will be separate holidays - me to NZ in late 2008 and DH and older two to Snow in Thredbo in 2009. Something to look forward to.

Had a wonderful gift the other day. Lunched with a dear friend, she announced she was pregnant with no.2. I was so excited and happy for her and we happily discussed pregnancies. She blew me away though, when she asked me to be at the birth. What an honour. I was speechless, overwhelmed I suppose, that she trusted me enought to be such a big part of a miracle. Even now I am overcome with...something that is hard to describe, all I can call it is an honour, but that doesn't quite grasp how I feel.

Laughed at DH today. He has got this thing about our toddler's hair. It has never been cut and the little man is now 19mths old and his hair is below his collar line. DH knows very well that I will be getting it cut as soon as he leaves. He commented today that I should leave it so he can see how long it gets by the time he comes back. I just looked at him, laughed, and said "He is not a girl. We could have had a girl, but you said no." referring to the fact that after DS#3 we had discussed having another bub, but then DH started spouting money issues and saying no, even though I wanted another so badly (and still do sometimes, if I let my guard down). DH just pulled a face at me, lol.

What is going on in my head

I have felt so ANGRY the last couple of days. I feel so wronged and put out, lol, can you hear the world's tiniest violin. But seriously, I have been angry. I yelled at my kids in a big way! Mind you, finding weeks old dirty clothes shoved into the bottom of the wardrobe cos DS1 couldn't be bothered walking one metre to the laundry basket is pretty maddening and hard to comprehend, added to the fact that he lost his wallet with all his savings, lost one of his exxy soccer boots, lost his brand new soccer ball, nearly lost another front door key, etc etc, well, I just really lost it. This frustration with DS1 is made worse by my anger towrds DH. I can feel it eating me up inside, so much that when I am alone in the car I want to SCREAM.

My bro is growing up!

We celebrated my youngest brother's birthday last weekend, he is 17yrs old. All my brothers are very good-looking, don't know what happened with me.....actually, yes I do, I was hot about 40kgs ago.

My DH didn't come to the party, he wanted to stay home and watch sports. What can I say, family is not a priority for him. I didn't know what to say to my brother, so I didn't say anything. I did mention it to my mum and struggled to keep from getting really upset. How do I let go of all this anger? It makes me want to spit sometimes, and I am not a spitting type of girl. When I got home I mentioned to DH that the boys were disappointed he hadn't come and he was surprised. I pointed out that they had hoped to say goodbye to him since he is leaving in two weeks. That was that.

So, he is going in two weeks. I asked his brother to babysit for us the weekend before he goes so that we can go out for dinner and a movie. When I mentioned it to DH he was really off hand about it. Maybe I will go by myself and DH can go and do something else. It will possibly be the only chance I get to go to a movie for the next 6 months.

DH's dad wants to catch up with him and the kids before DH goes. I think I will be unavailable that day. I am still really angry that DH's dad 'forgot' our baby's first birthday last year, but still went to his mum's (who lives in the same city and whose birthday is the same day) and saw his youngest son. But he couldn't make time for us. I don't believe he forgot, I just think he is an @$!&*. I don't reply to his emails anymore and I don't want to see him. If DH can be too busy for my family I can be too busy for his, not that I am spiteful or anything, just angry, at DH and his dad.

Bit concerned about my liver. I have been feeling uncomfortable and swollen in that area (RH side near base of ribs). I am also really tired and often feel nauseous to the point of upchucking. I think maybe I need to do a detox, drink more water, and quit drinking so much coke. I was looking at the Lemon Detox Diet, it sounds alright. I will wait until I have at least 3 days off work as apparently day 2 is the worst.