Baggage

My mother made an interesting point recently (which I don't often say, usually I am disagreeing profusely). Anyway, we had been discussing my DH's dysfunctional family (let's not mention mine right now, hmmm) and how obviously damaged some of the siblings were, when she said that perhaps it is the eldest who is the most damaged, but better at hiding it. So I mused on that during my drive home and realised that it is probably true, not even just in my DH's case, but also in my own. As the eldest you are pushed to be the responsible one, to set the example to your siblings, to pave the way, so to speak. You are given more jobs, because you are the oldest, you babysit, because you are the oldest, you spend the most time watching your parents make a mess of their marriage (and might find a way to protect the others from seeing it), because you are the oldest. So much pressure! So much expectation! I remember how many years I wasted trying to get my mother to approve of me, to acknowledge my worth, until one day I realised that I just couldn't wait for it anymore and I had to stop. It was such a relief. It helped me to stop trying to please others as well. I still slip into it now and then, mostly because I look to others to assess my own self-worth, not a good habit, I know. It feels false to walk around saying positive mantra's to myself, anyway, who wouldn't want to hear other people say nice things about them.

What has this got to do with baggage? Well, we have it, lots usually (though some more self-enlightened people may have rid them selves of a case or two, and others are in complete denial). And I realised that people who come into a relationship saying they have no baggage are lying to themselves and probably haven't dealt with the crap from their past. Perhaps they see baggage as simply old intimate relationships, but it is more than that - it is every relationship with every person they have ever had in their lives, no matter how small that interaction was. It could be a teacher who yelled at you one time too many (self-esteem and authority issues), or your aunt who had to kiss you and was all slobbery and wet (giving you a phobia about kissing old folk). It is just stuff that we pick up along the way the helps us to become who we are now.

Different topic now....
A soldier recently died in Afghanistan and his wife said nice things about him in the news. It got me wondering what I would say if something similar were to happen to my hubby. Here is what I eventually came up with...
1. He was a great lover of sport. He spent a number of years both participating in and watching sport, in particular cricket and rugby league. He was a fan of the Bulldogs.
2. He was respected at work and enjoyed his job. He considered it his lifetime career.
3. He enjoyed gardening and derived great pleasure from harvesting healthy vegetables.

I can't think of anything else. Sad, isn't it. I can't say he was a devoted father or loving husband, I can't say that he was passionate about anything, other than sport, I can't say that he was good to his parents. He's got no friends that I know of, so I can't say he will be missed by his mates. This is so sad.

Yay

You know how I said recently how much I wished for a good day? Well, today was a good day.

I worked this morning and it was not too busy, just the right amount of questions and general requests from patrons, plus a lovely chat with one of my bookclub kids. Then home to pay the babysitter and discover that she has done the vacuuming for me. I love this girl! She is worth every dollar I pay her.

Bundled the kids up and headed out the door to catch the bus into the city. We had decided to go see the new exhibit of Dinosaurs at the museum and I figured 2 hours would be plenty of time. DS#1 is away at the moment, so it is rather peaceful in the house with only DS#2 and #3. It's amazing what a difference one child can make. DS#3 is too young to fight with, so DS#2 is having a nice time not being bugged by a brother. I was right about the 2 hours, that's what it took to see the exhibits and look around the shop. I bought DS#2 a dinosaur egg that really hatches, it sits in water for 48 hrs. It will be interesting to see what happens. He has been checking every ten minutes or so, to see if anything has changed.

Came home and relaxed for a while before getting tea on, now we are going to watch a movie together and later have a game of Yahtzee. Hopefully DS#3 will go to bed at a decent hour and really top my day off.

I am on to day 4 of the diet and I feel fine. I have lost a couple of kilos YAY. I had a headache on days 2 and 3, but I took half a panadol each time and that did the trick. I am being pretty easy going with the diet and not fasting that much, just skipping breakfast as usual (much easier to have a cup of the drink than worry about cereal or toast) and drinking plenty of water. I have visitors here at the moment and once they go I will skip dinner as well, so the fasting will be more prolonged.

I need to lose 40kgs. I have been carrying 20-40kgs extra around with me for the last 10yrs. Bit fed up with it really, especially when I go shopping and can't buy nice clothes, and what I think is nice looks like @#$& when I try it on because of my lumps and bumps. I would like to drop at least 4 dress sizes and 20kgs to start with, I do realise this is a long term goal, right now I am aiming for 5kg.

On a Diet, sort of

Well I got my Lemon Detox Diet in the mail and it is all pretty simple. I was a bit scared of headaches as my diet has been toxic heaven for a long time, so I wasn't game to go cold turkey. I had the Senna tea for 3 nights in a row and then yesterday I had the drink for breakfast, ate lightly through the day and had the drink again that night as well as the tea.

I got on the scales this morning and according to them I have lost a kilo! Not sure how that happened as the info says not to expect any loss until day 3 at least (and that's on the standard version, not the relaxed version that I am doing).

So today I had the drink for breakfast, have been sipping that and water all morning. I have a slight headache at the moment, not sure if that is due to the way I slept or the detoxifying. I had a light lunch and will continue to sip water/drink for the rest of the day. I have been eyeing off the cake in the staff kitchen (my desk faces the kitchen), but I don't really want it, it just looks good to eat!

So I shall continue slowly, drink morning and night and light eating through the day.

Please be quiet!

I cannot comprehend how my mother did not kill my brother and I if we were anything like what my two oldest are. They fight/argue/whinge about the most trivial things, it is like a constant buzzing in my ear. How do I stop this? Or at least minimise it? ARGHHH. I refuse to take them shopping with me again. They didn't ask for anything, but the bickering was constant.

Took all of them to see Horton Hears a Who at the cinemas. It was a charity event, raising money for the Australian Breastfeeding Association. Apparently it was a good movie, but since I only saw the first 15 mins and the last 10 mins then I don't really know, lol. This is all my toddler sat still for! I won't be taking him back to the cinemas for a few years yet.

I bought a chest freezer yesterday as I am fed up with not being able to buy bulk meat and cheap bread when it's available. Got that installed downstairs today, with much sweating and cursing on my part, and patient assistance from my DS#1.

So glad this day is nearly over. When am I going to have a great day? They all seem too hard at the moment.

Even though our relationship is at a standstill, I still shed a tear or two when he sailed away yesterday. I mostly felt sad for the kids sake, but as angry as I have been and as separate as we feel towards each other, I still care. We have 9 years of history behind us (literally, tomorrow is our anniversary, not that anyone is counting), so it would be hard not to care.

Today I was a bit out of it at work, like my head wasn't really there. I felt so down that I probably put on my best performance ever! Lol, something about being sad makes me want to sing a little louder and dance a little crazier, just to shake the blues away! I think the kids and parents appreciated it, lol. My throat hurts now though, and my feet would too if I hadn't had my comfy shoes on!

The kids are fine. DS#2 was a bit emotional yesterday, but he is back to his normal self again today! He has such a short attention span it drives me nuts sometimes, probably drives him nuts too. DS#3 is suffering with teething so he was already cranky. We all went to the park to wear ourselves out a bit, good move on my part. Being out of the house seems to really help our moods.