Got off the phone with DH (ex-DH?) tonight with the distinct feeling that he is as relieved as I am that we have finally called it a day. Maybe it just comes back to the fact that we get on better when we aren't around each other. Who knows. It is making this ending much easier anyway.
So far we have discussed...
Furniture - who gets what
Money - who owes what, who pays what, who gets what
Kids - How many days do we each get (finer details to be resolved when he gets home)
Housing - where am I going, what will he do
Car - who gets it
hmmm, I think that is it. I think we are both satisfied with the prospective outcome. I am hoping to get a place fairly locally so access to the kids will be easy for both of us. He has said that there is no great rush for me to move out, but he understands that it shouldn't be delayed too much once he is home.
I have only told my best friend as I knew she was concerned for me in the past. She is pleased that this is getting resolved and would love for me to move closer to her, but at this stage it isn't going to happen. I thought about telling my mum, but really wasn't interested in handling her questions, so chose not to at this point. Maybe I will just let her know my new address. Nah, probably tell her before that.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
It was a good day at work
and by that I mean it was productive and I feel like I accomplished something.
Rhymetime this morning was busy, again. Yay. I am averaging around 26 children to the Tuesday session. Today there were quite a few new faces, including a brand new baby (9 days old). Quite a few of the regulars are having bubs, when they arrive I feel very lucky to be able greet these new faces and welcome them to Rhymetime (awake, or asleep, lol).
I had three mums tell me I looked 22yrs old. Two of them were gobsmacked when they overheard me discussing my kidlets with another parent (or two, I love talking about my kids). One had gone so far as to suggest I go and become a Kindy Teacher and so we were talking about my qualifications (because she was impressed with the session and wanted to know what experience I had) and I mentioned that I considered my own children to be valuable experience, and when she asked me how many/how old they were she nearly dropped off her seat. It is quite amusing to see people's reactions, and I have now had so many people say the same thing about my age that I really must accept that I look 9 years younger than I am! Nice!
Must be my chubby cheeks.
When it was suggested I become a Teacher I said 'no'. I have had the same thing said to me before, many times in fact, but I realised that one of the things I enjoy most about this job is that I deal with ages 0 - 17 years, I am not restricted to one age group. Also, I see the kids for an hour or two a day, whereas Teachers spend 6 hours per day with the same kids, every day for 40 weeks or so of the year. I think I would get bored as a Teacher.
Something that I believe my regular parents have appreciated is that I have made an effort to remember their child's name. Of course, sometimes I forget, especially if they have been away for a while, but if they come for two or three weeks in a row I usually remember. I like being able to say 'Hello ...." when I see them in the shopping centre, or when they arrive at Rhymetime or whatever session they come to. However, the parents names are a whole other story. Sometimes I remember, often I don't even ask, and so I know them by their children - 'Hi Tiffany's mum', 'excuse me, Christina's nanna' lol.
Continuing on from my enjoyable morning, I assisted in the rearranging of our Branch library this afternoon, which was very physically tiring. So tiring that I went to bed at 8pm when Toddler and No.2 did, slept for two hours, and then have gotten up again to finish housework and have computer time. I told Tween I was going to bed and he seemed concerned, but I just explained that it had been a tough day for my poor old body (so of course that got the response 'you're not old, mum'). I set the kitchen alarm for him so he would know when to go to bed (because if I didn't he would still be down here playing the computer). If I leave him to it he is very good about doing what he is told, not sure why it has to be any different to when I am standing over him telling him to go to bed (for the tenth time), but it is.
so there you go, that's the day done.
Rhymetime this morning was busy, again. Yay. I am averaging around 26 children to the Tuesday session. Today there were quite a few new faces, including a brand new baby (9 days old). Quite a few of the regulars are having bubs, when they arrive I feel very lucky to be able greet these new faces and welcome them to Rhymetime (awake, or asleep, lol).
I had three mums tell me I looked 22yrs old. Two of them were gobsmacked when they overheard me discussing my kidlets with another parent (or two, I love talking about my kids). One had gone so far as to suggest I go and become a Kindy Teacher and so we were talking about my qualifications (because she was impressed with the session and wanted to know what experience I had) and I mentioned that I considered my own children to be valuable experience, and when she asked me how many/how old they were she nearly dropped off her seat. It is quite amusing to see people's reactions, and I have now had so many people say the same thing about my age that I really must accept that I look 9 years younger than I am! Nice!
Must be my chubby cheeks.
When it was suggested I become a Teacher I said 'no'. I have had the same thing said to me before, many times in fact, but I realised that one of the things I enjoy most about this job is that I deal with ages 0 - 17 years, I am not restricted to one age group. Also, I see the kids for an hour or two a day, whereas Teachers spend 6 hours per day with the same kids, every day for 40 weeks or so of the year. I think I would get bored as a Teacher.
Something that I believe my regular parents have appreciated is that I have made an effort to remember their child's name. Of course, sometimes I forget, especially if they have been away for a while, but if they come for two or three weeks in a row I usually remember. I like being able to say 'Hello ...." when I see them in the shopping centre, or when they arrive at Rhymetime or whatever session they come to. However, the parents names are a whole other story. Sometimes I remember, often I don't even ask, and so I know them by their children - 'Hi Tiffany's mum', 'excuse me, Christina's nanna' lol.
Continuing on from my enjoyable morning, I assisted in the rearranging of our Branch library this afternoon, which was very physically tiring. So tiring that I went to bed at 8pm when Toddler and No.2 did, slept for two hours, and then have gotten up again to finish housework and have computer time. I told Tween I was going to bed and he seemed concerned, but I just explained that it had been a tough day for my poor old body (so of course that got the response 'you're not old, mum'). I set the kitchen alarm for him so he would know when to go to bed (because if I didn't he would still be down here playing the computer). If I leave him to it he is very good about doing what he is told, not sure why it has to be any different to when I am standing over him telling him to go to bed (for the tenth time), but it is.
so there you go, that's the day done.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Home Sweet Home
Gee, it is good to be home. I had only been away for 48 hours but when you are travelling it can seem so much longer.
I left early on Saturday to do the remaining 4 hour drive. Toddler did not cry when I left and mum got him busy in the garden so he was kept well occupied (and got very filthy, she bathed him three times because she would get him clean, then he would go out and get all filthy again. I bet he loved it - dirt and baths, his favourites!). Tween and No. 2 were settled on computers with my bro's, so they too were quite happy to wave me off.
I found a person, a caterer. I asked her if the wedding was here, and she pointed me in the right direction. Still, there was only a couple of people and when I asked her about the time for the wedding she said that as far as she knew it was at 3.30pm. 3.30pm! I had nearly given myself a heart attack getting there because I thought I was running late! I had to laugh and take a moment to calm down. I really did not want to miss my friend's special day. The sky was blue, but the wind was freezing! I was so glad I had sleeves on.
I took the boys up to mums on Friday and stayed overnight with her. By doing that I took 2 hours off my 6 hour trip. I showed off my outfit for mum and she gave her ok. I am a big girl, so there isn't much out there that is really flattering, and I was being extra brave by wearing a dress with spaghetti straps (only a bit brave though, I had a nice top to wear over it).
The negative about staying with mum - she smokes in her bedroom, which is where I slept, and my pyjamas stunk the next day. Ewww.
I left early on Saturday to do the remaining 4 hour drive. Toddler did not cry when I left and mum got him busy in the garden so he was kept well occupied (and got very filthy, she bathed him three times because she would get him clean, then he would go out and get all filthy again. I bet he loved it - dirt and baths, his favourites!). Tween and No. 2 were settled on computers with my bro's, so they too were quite happy to wave me off.
I reached my destination in good time and rushed around my lovely room (with spa, yes yes yes) getting ready. I thought the wedding started at 3.15pm, so I was aiming to be out the door at 2.45pm. Hahahahaha. I left at 2.55pm, stressed because I thought I was going to be late. On the way I realised I had forgot my camera and batteries, so I turned around, raced back to the hotel, grabbed the camera and batteries and headed off again. This time I made it, found the wedding venue and was inside at 3.15pm, looking around for all the people.
No people.
Was I in the right place? Yes. Was it 3.15pm? Yes. What the...?
I found a person, a caterer. I asked her if the wedding was here, and she pointed me in the right direction. Still, there was only a couple of people and when I asked her about the time for the wedding she said that as far as she knew it was at 3.30pm. 3.30pm! I had nearly given myself a heart attack getting there because I thought I was running late! I had to laugh and take a moment to calm down. I really did not want to miss my friend's special day. The sky was blue, but the wind was freezing! I was so glad I had sleeves on.
The time came when the groom, Mr M, arrived, the 50 guests settled themselves on chairs and we awaited the arrival of the bride. Miss K was right on time. Her son (with her mum) led the way as ring bearer, followed by the groom's daughter and a family friend as bridesmaids. They looked absolutely stunning in their dresses (but cold!!).
Then came the bride and her father. She looked radiant. Like a princess (but not an ice princess, even though she may have felt like an ice block). Stunning. I was so glad to be there and see this.
Their story....
Mr M had posted a personal ad on Yahoo Personals and forgotten about it. Miss K noticed it, noticed that he was a single parent like her, and emailed him. He emailed back, this went on for some time, then they decided to meet. Mr M's daughter was present at the meeting and did most of the questioning. Clearly she was happy with what she found because she gave her approval (lol!) and things moved on from there. Miss K and Mr M have been together for nearly 4 years, so they know for sure that they can be there for each other, through hard times and good.
The ceremony was beautiful. They had a special family commitment part where each of them, mother and son, father and daughter, hand in hand, made vows to cherish and support each other as a family.
Then Miss K and Mr M exchanged their own vows.
awwwwwww
Then the end, the usual photos, etc, etc. I managed to catch Mrs M at one stage and give her a hug and get a photo with her before she went off.
She was an excellent hostess, stopping to greet everyone and thank them for coming, encouraging people to go inside into the reception area.
The reception was lovely, the food was beautifully prepared and the guests were entertaining. I think I was the only singular person there, but I wasn't bothered. I just chatted to a few people I did know vaguely, and then when we were seated there was one lady at our table who was lovely and chatty and kept us all entertained with wedding horror stories.
Things I learnt...
Make sure you view all of your dress when you purchase it, just in case there is a large hole in the back.
Don't trust anyone with the cake. They might forget the flowers. Particularly, even if you give explicit instructions not to cut up ALL the cake, stand over the caterers and make sure they do what you have asked.
Do not demand miracles from your bridal party. Or your family.
Do not trust your family to behave. If they haven't in the past, a wedding isn't going to stop them.
If someone in the bridal party whinges and whines, tell them 'bye bye' (particularly if they are whining that they don't want to dance with their partner, and they don't like what they are wearing, or their hairstyle). Remember...it is YOUR special day.
Don't let anyone get up and give a speech without checking it first. Miss K's father actually got up and compared her to a horse! Nice one, dad!I had a very nice time. I spoilt myself by having a couple of glasses of champagne, since it was a special occasion. I paced myself as I was driving, so drank plenty of water as well and only had a few glasses rather than the couple of bottles I probably could have had.
I left at 10.30pm, after all the speeches and the throwing of the bouquet. I had a bit of a dance before I left too. Some of the older ladies really knew how to boogie, and one older gentleman was having an absolute ball. There was a big group of middle aged people out there cutting the moves, hehehe, so I joined in with them for a little bit.
Got back to the hotel and indulged in a spa bath with lots of bubbles before heading off to bed.
Woke at 6.50am.
Grrrr.
Oh well. I laid there thinking and waiting for my breakfast to arrive (yep, I went all out in pure indulgence). I ate it in bed and eventually dragged myself out to pack and go.
Got back to mums and was accosted by a squealing with delight toddler. And I mean squealing! He was just so excited to see me. The other two boys were like 'oh, hi mum', lol. Toddler wouldn't let me go for the first 10 minutes, he tickled me and hugged me and kept saying 'mum mum!' Eventually he settled down enough to play and let me and mum catch up quickly. Then I gathered all the boys and their bits and off we went home.
So here we are.
No phone call from DH tonight, which surprised me, but shouldn't have. I thought he would still call to say hi to the boys at least. But no. And one, one sentence, email saying he had confirmed the trip with his mum. Ok.
My main feeling is of relief. I am relieved to not be worrying about it anymore, to not be confused and angry and stressed. I am still in limbo though, as I don't know how soon after he gets home I will have to move out. I have worked out my budget and I can stay here in the city. It won't be easy, not as easy as it has been, but if we share care of the boys and I keep my spending habits under control, then I think it will be fine. I only plan to stay for a couple of years, but I will be flexible about it as I want to do the best thing for the kids, and that, I think, means uprooting them as little as possible.
I have only told my best friend about the split, because in reality it hasn't happened yet, and there is still so much that is unknown. I think she is happy for me, because she knows how unhappy I have been, and can hear that now I feel much more positive about the future.
It is nice to not have this uncertainty and pain hanging over my head like a big black cloud.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Who knew!
No.2, Tween and Mate sitting in lounge room talking about farting (what else, lol!). Mate remarks that his mum farts. Sounds of amazement from Tween and No.2. "Girls don't fart!' said Tween. 'Yes they do!...Well, my mum does.' said Mate. 'Oh' was the reply.
Enough said.
Continued on from yesterday...
DH replied - thanked me for being honest, said that he was glad that he know knew where things were with us, said that he didn't hold a grudge (*cough, cough*), and hoped I would find happiness in the future. Then said that we would deal with it all when he got home and announced that he would like to take the boys on a long road trip not long after he gets back.
Well. Ok then.
I guess that is that.
Why am I feeling so emotional then?
I am going away tomorrow and I am more glad than ever that I have booked myself into a swish hotel with a spa, bought myself a nice dress and plan to have a good time at my friends wedding. I will toast the beginning of their marriage, and the end of mine. Touche.
Enough said.
Continued on from yesterday...
DH replied - thanked me for being honest, said that he was glad that he know knew where things were with us, said that he didn't hold a grudge (*cough, cough*), and hoped I would find happiness in the future. Then said that we would deal with it all when he got home and announced that he would like to take the boys on a long road trip not long after he gets back.
Well. Ok then.
I guess that is that.
Why am I feeling so emotional then?
I am going away tomorrow and I am more glad than ever that I have booked myself into a swish hotel with a spa, bought myself a nice dress and plan to have a good time at my friends wedding. I will toast the beginning of their marriage, and the end of mine. Touche.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
The beginning of the end
of my marriage. Or had it already ended? Well, I think for me it had, but for DH, well, not quite. He emailed again and talked about spending more time with the boys when he came home and how he and I had some big communication issues and things were pretty messy between us and what did I think?
I wrote this...
I have already said that I don't really think this is a conversation for email, but I guess it means we don't have to look at each other and you clearly want to know what I think.
Personally I think that you have been the same person for the 9 years I have known you, no matter what has been said or done, and I don't think that is going to change. It is easy to think that things can be different when you are so far away, I have done that myself in the past. But come home and we will all slowly slip back into the same old same old, because trying to do more than that is just too hard, or goes against the natural grain (as you mentioned).
I don't think I knew you all that well when I pushed us into a relationship, and I still didn't know you all that well when we married because I had this crazy idea of not living together beforehand. If you recall, we didn't really live together before you left for the navy either, we had not long before decided to give it another go. But it seems that we go better together when we are apart. I don't think any marriage should be like that.
Do I think we can bounce back from this mess. No. Not this time. Too much anger, too much disappointment, too many unmet needs, too many differences.
You wanted to know where we stand? The speed hump is a mountain and my boots have holes in them.
When we talked about our problems in the past I would refer to them as 'speed humps', because we usually managed to get over them. DH asked me once (not long before he left, so lots of anger floating around) if I had ever thought about leaving and I was honest and said 'yes, every time we hit a speed hump.' I don't think he expected that answer, I think he expected me to say 'Don't be stupid' or something to that effect. But, as I said, this time I think the speed hump is too big.
So I have actually committed to 'The End'. I wish I could have a happy ending like they do in fairy tales.
I am afraid of the future.
I finished reading 'before i die' by Jenny Downham for the second time (awesome YA book, totally recommend it). I cried again and it left me feeling emotional all afternoon.
I wrote this...
I have already said that I don't really think this is a conversation for email, but I guess it means we don't have to look at each other and you clearly want to know what I think.
Personally I think that you have been the same person for the 9 years I have known you, no matter what has been said or done, and I don't think that is going to change. It is easy to think that things can be different when you are so far away, I have done that myself in the past. But come home and we will all slowly slip back into the same old same old, because trying to do more than that is just too hard, or goes against the natural grain (as you mentioned).
I don't think I knew you all that well when I pushed us into a relationship, and I still didn't know you all that well when we married because I had this crazy idea of not living together beforehand. If you recall, we didn't really live together before you left for the navy either, we had not long before decided to give it another go. But it seems that we go better together when we are apart. I don't think any marriage should be like that.
Do I think we can bounce back from this mess. No. Not this time. Too much anger, too much disappointment, too many unmet needs, too many differences.
You wanted to know where we stand? The speed hump is a mountain and my boots have holes in them.
When we talked about our problems in the past I would refer to them as 'speed humps', because we usually managed to get over them. DH asked me once (not long before he left, so lots of anger floating around) if I had ever thought about leaving and I was honest and said 'yes, every time we hit a speed hump.' I don't think he expected that answer, I think he expected me to say 'Don't be stupid' or something to that effect. But, as I said, this time I think the speed hump is too big.
So I have actually committed to 'The End'. I wish I could have a happy ending like they do in fairy tales.
I am afraid of the future.
I finished reading 'before i die' by Jenny Downham for the second time (awesome YA book, totally recommend it). I cried again and it left me feeling emotional all afternoon.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Baking
I have been baking.
This is what I made...
Pretty yummo, hey? Want the recipe? Here it is...
1 tin condensed milk
3 cups of dry whatever
mix together and put in greased and lined tray (or if you have Tupperware you can line it, or not). DO NOT TASTE TEST THE MIX! If you do there will not be enough left when you have finished testing to make anything with. You do have the option of putting teaspoonfuls of the mix onto a tray instead of making a slice. Stick in moderate oven for about 15 minutes. When it is a nice brown around the edges take out of oven (that is why I said ABOUT 15 minutes) and leave to cool. Slice.
Okay, so I can hear you saying 'what on earth is dry whatever?' Well, it is whatever you have in your cupboard. The first time I made this I had half a cup of dessicated coconut, one and a half cups of rolled oats and half a cup of cornflakes (crushed a bit). The next time I made it I had half a cup of dessicated coconut, half a cup of sultanas, a cup of shredded coconut and one cup of rolled oats. I also made it with a mix of a total 3 cups of dessicated and shredded coconut (this one I did as spoonfuls on a tray). This time I had one cup of rolled oats, one cup of shredded coconut, and one cup of rice bubbles (and some hundreds and thousands for on top).
VERY YUMMY
I am going to make the version with just coconut and condensed milk for christmas presents. I will wrap the 'biscuits' in pretty paper and ribbons.
Check out this blog. I think you may have noticed that I like parenting blogs, this is a good one.
It has been an eventful few days. Tween was diagnosed with a middle ear infection on Friday. The two boys played their soccer games on Saturday and both won. Tween moves on to play in the Grand Final! Woo Hoo!! Toddler turned 2 on Saturday. On Sunday No.2's right side of his face was all swollen and he had a temp. Took him to the dentist on Monday and they had to pull the offending tooth out because of infection. He is feeling much better today and the swelling has almost disappeared. He was very brave at the dentist. I was happy to pay the dollars to see him happier.
phew, that is enough.
I am off to a wedding this weekend, I will get photos of me looking glam!
I had an interesting email from DH today, that I wanted to share, but I am having trouble logging onto my email account, grrrr. Anyway, he acknowledged that our relationship is in a pretty bad way and that he would like to work on it.
He acknowledges the fact that he spends very little time with us as a family and that he watches alot of tv, he talked about activities he could do with the boys and activities that he would like to do himself, and he would do some housework every day, and (he said) surely that would mean he could watch some tv at the end of it. After writing that I realised that he is using the tv/kids as a bargaining tool. If he does this, then he should get that. Is this okay? It''s like with the money he has saved while he has been away, he says, well I have done this (worked), so I should get that (large screen tv, PS3, etc).
I didn't reply to the email. I needed to go away and think about it and investigate my feelings again.
Do I dare get my hopes up? - so many times I have hoped and been disappointed. It stems right back to when we met, when I sat by the phone waiting for him to call when he said he would (and didn't), to more recently, when I hoped for respect for the job I do as a working parent. Am I wrong to have had any expectations at all?
Can I really be bothered? - my head is saying 'no', my heart is full of wishes. I never wanted to have a failed marriage, but I honestly think that I made the wrong choice when I pursued a relationship with him in the first place, and then accepted him back after we had split for a while. In 9 years he has not changed, and I won't be asking him to, since that will mean he will have to be untrue to himself. He says he wants to makes some changes, but perhaps it is too little, too late.
Would I be staying for the right reasons? - by that I mean - do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I enjoy his company? Do I trust him? Unfortunately at this point in time I have to say 'no' to all of those questions. That makes me really sad. I can see that if I stayed with him it would be - for the kids, so I could keep my job in Sydney, so I could stay in this nice house in a nice suburb, in Sydney. Those are not good reasons. The kids are adaptable, as long as they know they are loved and accepted I think they will be ok. I would miss my job alot, but there are other jobs out there, and other towns with nice suburbs. *sigh*
I never wanted to have this conversation with him via email, and he knows that, And now I feel like I am being put on the spot because he wants to know where he stands when he gets home.
I didn't reply to the email. I needed to go away and think about it and investigate my feelings again.
Do I dare get my hopes up? - so many times I have hoped and been disappointed. It stems right back to when we met, when I sat by the phone waiting for him to call when he said he would (and didn't), to more recently, when I hoped for respect for the job I do as a working parent. Am I wrong to have had any expectations at all?
Can I really be bothered? - my head is saying 'no', my heart is full of wishes. I never wanted to have a failed marriage, but I honestly think that I made the wrong choice when I pursued a relationship with him in the first place, and then accepted him back after we had split for a while. In 9 years he has not changed, and I won't be asking him to, since that will mean he will have to be untrue to himself. He says he wants to makes some changes, but perhaps it is too little, too late.
Would I be staying for the right reasons? - by that I mean - do I love him? Do I respect him? Do I enjoy his company? Do I trust him? Unfortunately at this point in time I have to say 'no' to all of those questions. That makes me really sad. I can see that if I stayed with him it would be - for the kids, so I could keep my job in Sydney, so I could stay in this nice house in a nice suburb, in Sydney. Those are not good reasons. The kids are adaptable, as long as they know they are loved and accepted I think they will be ok. I would miss my job alot, but there are other jobs out there, and other towns with nice suburbs. *sigh*
I never wanted to have this conversation with him via email, and he knows that, And now I feel like I am being put on the spot because he wants to know where he stands when he gets home.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Got to start somewhere
Today I committed to the possibility of getting some exercise this year (god forbid!). Seriously, I registered to join a social women's cricket team. Ok, those of you who know me can stop laughing now. please.
Look, I like Cricket, I really do. Not fussed on watching five day matches, but the one dayers always get me excited (in between housework and baking, of course). My DH has probably fallen off his seat laughing and having alot of difficulty imagining me playing cricket. Well, after all, I resemble this...
Actually, if you google pumpkin images there are some really neat ones, like this...
and this...
Anyway, I have to start with something, and if it is an organised sport, then I have to turn up. It is an easy version of normal cricket and should be a good introduction to the sport. The season starts in October.
Today I discovered that if you want to teach your child to catch, use balloons! They drift through the air slowly enough that the child has time to react and catch them. Toddler and I had a lovely game of catch using a balloon.
The balloons were left over from his birthday party yesterday. He is now 2 years old. We just had a couple of friends and family over to celebrate, it was a pleasant afternoon.
Toddlers new words are - kick, awick (warwick), who's this, mine. Of course there is more that I am not remembering right now.
Look, I like Cricket, I really do. Not fussed on watching five day matches, but the one dayers always get me excited (in between housework and baking, of course). My DH has probably fallen off his seat laughing and having alot of difficulty imagining me playing cricket. Well, after all, I resemble this...
Actually, if you google pumpkin images there are some really neat ones, like this...
and this...
Anyway, I have to start with something, and if it is an organised sport, then I have to turn up. It is an easy version of normal cricket and should be a good introduction to the sport. The season starts in October.
Today I discovered that if you want to teach your child to catch, use balloons! They drift through the air slowly enough that the child has time to react and catch them. Toddler and I had a lovely game of catch using a balloon.
The balloons were left over from his birthday party yesterday. He is now 2 years old. We just had a couple of friends and family over to celebrate, it was a pleasant afternoon.
Toddlers new words are - kick, awick (warwick), who's this, mine. Of course there is more that I am not remembering right now.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Bus = boyfriends!?
I am amazed at how my brain works sometimes, and how it can jump around all over the place.
Today I saw a bus. It got me thinking about old boyfriends! Which got me thinking about my first boyfriend, which got me looking at the types of boys I chose a boyfriends, which got me thinking about how some of them had turned out! All because of a bus…
I was surprised to realise that my first three boyfriends were short and blond, much like my husband. I had this perception of myself always being interested in tall, dark, and delicious, but clearly, after some thought, that is not so.
My first two boyfriends were in primary school. I don’t know where either of them ended up. Number three was in my first year of high-school, he was three years older and thought himself madly in love with me…for a whole week! Even bought me a gorgeous little ring. He ended up covered in tattoos and a house-painter (with a thing for fishing). I thought he was rather sweet when I was with him and I was devastated when he dumped me (I was rather young and his mates were giving him a hard time about it). I had a couple of momentary boyfriends later that year, I recall being a bit of a bitch about it. I wish I could remember more, actually, as the memories are very dim, blips on the radar.
I remember a couple of crushes I had. One boy I played chasies with (with him and other friends), but we never ‘went out’ together. He was a fun kid, from a rough home. He ended up being a druggie with a few kids. His partner was a girl I had gone to school with too, nice enough, just a bit rough around the edges. Another boy I had liked sat up the other end of ‘my’ verandah with his mates. They were a couple of years older and very full of their own self-importance (except for the one I liked, he was shy and quiet). I asked him out a couple of times and he would blush and refuse and then I would hassle him about why not, lol. He ended up a police man in the big town nearby.
I was very forward in my second year of high-school. My first year was spent finding my place, who my friends would be, where I fit in with everyone else. I wasn’t a loser, but I wasn’t too far from it either. I hung out with girls who were like me, a little shy, not so confident, a bit different in their hobbies (we weren’t surfie chicks, and living in a coastal town that put us definitely in the out crowd straight off). One of the girls is still my friend, twenty years later (we were friends in primary school too).
I came into my own in my second year of high school. I looked good physically – I had filled out a bit, got my hair done nicely, got contacts instead of glasses, the package was pretty good. I look at photos of that time and wish I had managed to look after myself better in the following years, because even I think I was pretty damn cute. I had also grown in confidence. I was working in my family’s fruit and veg shop, so had gotten used to talking to people, I had managed to attract a bit of interest from boys, and I had friends who knew and accepted me. What more could a girl want. However, I made a choice at that point in time that was to put me in a completely different direction.
Over the holidays before my second year I had met and started dating a tall, dark, and cute boy who was 4 years older. He worked in the shop next door, had quit school and was training to become a baker. He was very cute. I was surprised my mother and her partner allowed the relationship because I was only 13 and he was 17. Later it turned out that my mother had allowed my relationship with this boy/man and his family as a way to get out of her relationship and the town we were in. How? Well, she didn’t like her relationship and when she found out that my boyfriends family were moving out west and a good distance away from where we were she convinced them to help her move out there as well (in secret, in the middle of the night, when my stepfather was away fishing). Now, I don’t recall life with my stepdad being all that bad. He was a firm disciplinarian and had a bit of a temper, but if you knew how to handle him he wasn’t an issue. I loved living on a farm and didn’t mind working in the shop and I wasn’t aware of my mother being unhappy (but really, what teenager notices their parents lives?). So perhaps things were bad. My mother found a way to leave and that was that.
A few months after we left she started trying to stop my relationship with D and his family. I guess that she had got what she wanted and had decided that it was inappropriate for us to be together after all. Um...bit late now! I was now hooked into a relationship with someone who made me feel all the things my mother didn’t have the time or energy for – I was wanted, loved, thought about. Mind you, it wasn’t perfect; he was controlling and jealous. I did try to break up with him at one stage after my mother had moved us again, to a large town close by, but he convinced me to stay. So what was the choice I made? After going to three high schools in 6 months, and feeling completely unwanted by my family, I decided to leave home. I ran away to a big city and lived with a member of my boy friends family. I sent a letter home telling my mother I was fine. That was the last contact I had with her for 3 years. I left because I felt it was the only choice I had. It turned out I was pregnant (I was 14 years old, so that was not a good thing). D and I set up home in a country town and stayed there for the next few months, waiting for baby. My partner, by this stage, had grown even more controlling, to the extent where he would have me come to work with him (as a baker he worked nights) and I would sleep in the back of his car in an alley, so he could check up on me.
Bub arrived (a boy) six weeks early. We enjoyed him for a while, enjoyed being parents, until he contracted meningitis and we discovered what hell on earth felt like as we watched him die. He actually died the week he was due, so I am grateful for the weeks that we had with him. I think our situation could have been avoided to some extent if we had family nearby, but because I was ‘in hiding’ and a minor, we had to be well away from both our parents. It left us very isolated and completely unsupported. Our relationship deteriorated and became emotionally, and at times physically, violent.
When I turned 16 we moved back to his parents home, my mother had moved on to another town by this stage, so we felt comfortable being there. After he found work in the big town we set up home there. We had the bare essentials, and it amazes me now how little we had. I was miserable though. I was scared to watch cartoons in case he got upset, I never went anywhere without him and he controlled all money. It got to the point where I had to leave and so I did, I packed a bag and went to the nearest youth refuge. Fours years after our relationship had begun, I was getting away. I started back at school and could see a future for myself. I stayed at the refuge for four months, then decided to return to my partner for a couple of months. He started seeing someone else while I was back, so we made the decision to split and I went back to the refuge. None of this was easy. I was 17 years old and had already had a lifetime of experiences that no-one should have.
And I was pregnant.
I discovered this after D and I had split finally. I told him and he made it clear he was not, and never would be, interested in this baby. His family, on the other hand, were, and were supportive of me to some extent. They had seen first hand D lash out at me, and had tried to intervene on my part a few times. But he was their baby boy, and ultimately they were never going to choose me over him. They were there for the birth of my son and they gave me some emotional support before and after and that was enough for me. I found myself a little apartment and settled in to life with my little boy.
Hmmm, didn’t I start out just having a general thought about my boyfriends? Where did this saga come from?
I spent 3 and a half years pretty much alone. I moved towns and lived with my best friend when she started uni. I completed high school by correspondence and got into uni into a degree that has almost nothing to do with what I am doing now. I had one short lived fling with a delicious Italian who drove buses (which is what got me started tonight in the first place, seeing a bus and thinking about him, lol), he couldn’t handle the age gap and the fact I had a small child (he was about 10 years older and had grown children). I kept pretty much to myself. Even though I was having a small social life with my girl friends and flat mates, there just didn’t seem to be any men interested in me. Sometimes I felt a little overshadowed by my very pretty friend, since I certainly wasn’t quite as cute as I was 5 or 6 years previously.
This is when I met DH.
His ex-girlfriend introduced us. When I was first getting to know my husband he was studying at a technical college to be a Teacher's aide. He was the first bloke to show even a glimmer of real interest in me in a long time, and I grabbed on to that and held on. Oops, my mistake.
Read a rant here, lol, but only if you want to.
These days I find I prefer admiring the tall, dark, and yummy types again. Especially ones in fireman/policeman uniform, lol.
What makes us select our mates? Is it desperation, pheromones, lust? What is the motivation for pursuing an unhealthy relationship? Fear of the unknown, lack of self confidence, lack of choices? How do you know when you have found a 'keeper'?
Today I saw a bus. It got me thinking about old boyfriends! Which got me thinking about my first boyfriend, which got me looking at the types of boys I chose a boyfriends, which got me thinking about how some of them had turned out! All because of a bus…
I was surprised to realise that my first three boyfriends were short and blond, much like my husband. I had this perception of myself always being interested in tall, dark, and delicious, but clearly, after some thought, that is not so.
My first two boyfriends were in primary school. I don’t know where either of them ended up. Number three was in my first year of high-school, he was three years older and thought himself madly in love with me…for a whole week! Even bought me a gorgeous little ring. He ended up covered in tattoos and a house-painter (with a thing for fishing). I thought he was rather sweet when I was with him and I was devastated when he dumped me (I was rather young and his mates were giving him a hard time about it). I had a couple of momentary boyfriends later that year, I recall being a bit of a bitch about it. I wish I could remember more, actually, as the memories are very dim, blips on the radar.
I remember a couple of crushes I had. One boy I played chasies with (with him and other friends), but we never ‘went out’ together. He was a fun kid, from a rough home. He ended up being a druggie with a few kids. His partner was a girl I had gone to school with too, nice enough, just a bit rough around the edges. Another boy I had liked sat up the other end of ‘my’ verandah with his mates. They were a couple of years older and very full of their own self-importance (except for the one I liked, he was shy and quiet). I asked him out a couple of times and he would blush and refuse and then I would hassle him about why not, lol. He ended up a police man in the big town nearby.
I was very forward in my second year of high-school. My first year was spent finding my place, who my friends would be, where I fit in with everyone else. I wasn’t a loser, but I wasn’t too far from it either. I hung out with girls who were like me, a little shy, not so confident, a bit different in their hobbies (we weren’t surfie chicks, and living in a coastal town that put us definitely in the out crowd straight off). One of the girls is still my friend, twenty years later (we were friends in primary school too).
I came into my own in my second year of high school. I looked good physically – I had filled out a bit, got my hair done nicely, got contacts instead of glasses, the package was pretty good. I look at photos of that time and wish I had managed to look after myself better in the following years, because even I think I was pretty damn cute. I had also grown in confidence. I was working in my family’s fruit and veg shop, so had gotten used to talking to people, I had managed to attract a bit of interest from boys, and I had friends who knew and accepted me. What more could a girl want. However, I made a choice at that point in time that was to put me in a completely different direction.
Over the holidays before my second year I had met and started dating a tall, dark, and cute boy who was 4 years older. He worked in the shop next door, had quit school and was training to become a baker. He was very cute. I was surprised my mother and her partner allowed the relationship because I was only 13 and he was 17. Later it turned out that my mother had allowed my relationship with this boy/man and his family as a way to get out of her relationship and the town we were in. How? Well, she didn’t like her relationship and when she found out that my boyfriends family were moving out west and a good distance away from where we were she convinced them to help her move out there as well (in secret, in the middle of the night, when my stepfather was away fishing). Now, I don’t recall life with my stepdad being all that bad. He was a firm disciplinarian and had a bit of a temper, but if you knew how to handle him he wasn’t an issue. I loved living on a farm and didn’t mind working in the shop and I wasn’t aware of my mother being unhappy (but really, what teenager notices their parents lives?). So perhaps things were bad. My mother found a way to leave and that was that.
A few months after we left she started trying to stop my relationship with D and his family. I guess that she had got what she wanted and had decided that it was inappropriate for us to be together after all. Um...bit late now! I was now hooked into a relationship with someone who made me feel all the things my mother didn’t have the time or energy for – I was wanted, loved, thought about. Mind you, it wasn’t perfect; he was controlling and jealous. I did try to break up with him at one stage after my mother had moved us again, to a large town close by, but he convinced me to stay. So what was the choice I made? After going to three high schools in 6 months, and feeling completely unwanted by my family, I decided to leave home. I ran away to a big city and lived with a member of my boy friends family. I sent a letter home telling my mother I was fine. That was the last contact I had with her for 3 years. I left because I felt it was the only choice I had. It turned out I was pregnant (I was 14 years old, so that was not a good thing). D and I set up home in a country town and stayed there for the next few months, waiting for baby. My partner, by this stage, had grown even more controlling, to the extent where he would have me come to work with him (as a baker he worked nights) and I would sleep in the back of his car in an alley, so he could check up on me.
Bub arrived (a boy) six weeks early. We enjoyed him for a while, enjoyed being parents, until he contracted meningitis and we discovered what hell on earth felt like as we watched him die. He actually died the week he was due, so I am grateful for the weeks that we had with him. I think our situation could have been avoided to some extent if we had family nearby, but because I was ‘in hiding’ and a minor, we had to be well away from both our parents. It left us very isolated and completely unsupported. Our relationship deteriorated and became emotionally, and at times physically, violent.
When I turned 16 we moved back to his parents home, my mother had moved on to another town by this stage, so we felt comfortable being there. After he found work in the big town we set up home there. We had the bare essentials, and it amazes me now how little we had. I was miserable though. I was scared to watch cartoons in case he got upset, I never went anywhere without him and he controlled all money. It got to the point where I had to leave and so I did, I packed a bag and went to the nearest youth refuge. Fours years after our relationship had begun, I was getting away. I started back at school and could see a future for myself. I stayed at the refuge for four months, then decided to return to my partner for a couple of months. He started seeing someone else while I was back, so we made the decision to split and I went back to the refuge. None of this was easy. I was 17 years old and had already had a lifetime of experiences that no-one should have.
And I was pregnant.
I discovered this after D and I had split finally. I told him and he made it clear he was not, and never would be, interested in this baby. His family, on the other hand, were, and were supportive of me to some extent. They had seen first hand D lash out at me, and had tried to intervene on my part a few times. But he was their baby boy, and ultimately they were never going to choose me over him. They were there for the birth of my son and they gave me some emotional support before and after and that was enough for me. I found myself a little apartment and settled in to life with my little boy.
Hmmm, didn’t I start out just having a general thought about my boyfriends? Where did this saga come from?
I spent 3 and a half years pretty much alone. I moved towns and lived with my best friend when she started uni. I completed high school by correspondence and got into uni into a degree that has almost nothing to do with what I am doing now. I had one short lived fling with a delicious Italian who drove buses (which is what got me started tonight in the first place, seeing a bus and thinking about him, lol), he couldn’t handle the age gap and the fact I had a small child (he was about 10 years older and had grown children). I kept pretty much to myself. Even though I was having a small social life with my girl friends and flat mates, there just didn’t seem to be any men interested in me. Sometimes I felt a little overshadowed by my very pretty friend, since I certainly wasn’t quite as cute as I was 5 or 6 years previously.
This is when I met DH.
His ex-girlfriend introduced us. When I was first getting to know my husband he was studying at a technical college to be a Teacher's aide. He was the first bloke to show even a glimmer of real interest in me in a long time, and I grabbed on to that and held on. Oops, my mistake.
Read a rant here, lol, but only if you want to.
These days I find I prefer admiring the tall, dark, and yummy types again. Especially ones in fireman/policeman uniform, lol.
What makes us select our mates? Is it desperation, pheromones, lust? What is the motivation for pursuing an unhealthy relationship? Fear of the unknown, lack of self confidence, lack of choices? How do you know when you have found a 'keeper'?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
His presence was felt
There was an storm this afternoon that only the Almighty could have produced (not that anyone/thing else could be responsible for storms, it was just that this one was pretty full-on). It hit around 2.30pm and only lasted for a couple of hours. At one stage I was standing in the supermarket opposite Toddler's daycare when we (other customers and I) heard an massive bang and it felt like the floor rocked for a second. A light fitting came loose from the ceiling and was hanging by some wires. Apparently lightning struck an antennae on the roof of the building. What I saw of the lightning (when I wasn't hiding in the shopping centre) was beautiful and frightening at the same time.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. I went to the dentist today to discuss a tooth that has been giving me grief for some time and he decided it needed to come out. I was actually very happy about this as it keeps getting infected and painful. So out it came! I now have a molar sized gap in my mouth. No pain as yet, even though the anaesthetic has worn off, I have stocked up on painkillers just in case. It did bleed an awful lot though, it has really only sttled down in the last half hour, 5 hours after I had it out. I don't know how vampires can do it, you know, drink blood, it tastes pretty gross to me and it has made me feel nauseous.
Been working my fingers to the bone at work the last couple of days, rearranging shelving and books in the kids section. I will be glad when I have finished.
Blogs for today...
A couple struggling with infertility issues, Xbox4NappyRash is written by the husband
Through the Looking Glass is a blog by a mum struggling with everyday issues like so many of us.
Feeling a little sorry for myself today. I went to the dentist today to discuss a tooth that has been giving me grief for some time and he decided it needed to come out. I was actually very happy about this as it keeps getting infected and painful. So out it came! I now have a molar sized gap in my mouth. No pain as yet, even though the anaesthetic has worn off, I have stocked up on painkillers just in case. It did bleed an awful lot though, it has really only sttled down in the last half hour, 5 hours after I had it out. I don't know how vampires can do it, you know, drink blood, it tastes pretty gross to me and it has made me feel nauseous.
Been working my fingers to the bone at work the last couple of days, rearranging shelving and books in the kids section. I will be glad when I have finished.
Blogs for today...
A couple struggling with infertility issues, Xbox4NappyRash is written by the husband
Through the Looking Glass is a blog by a mum struggling with everyday issues like so many of us.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
what's a mum to do?
I have a stunning picture as my desktop at the moment. I wish I could say that I had taken it, but I didn't, I got it from here. Well, I actually got it from this blog, which has so many gorgeous photos that it is actually hard to pick one. I stand in awe of the moments these people have captured.
Well, tonight was supposed to be Parent/Teacher night, but for me it did not happen. It was a drop in set-up, from 5pm to 7pm. Well that was my first grrrr, because I don't finish work till 5pm, by the time I collect all the kids it is usually 5.45, and they are starving and refuse to be temporarily sated with a drink of water and a mini bag of popcorn. No...must have dinner NOW! Which is why you find me cooking almost as soon as I set foot in the door.
Anyway, so the time it was on was a bit iffy for me, and this was exacerbated by my sudden desire to rearrange the children's area, organising that event for this Tuesday night, before coming to the horrifying realisation that I had double booked myself and wasn't prepared to let go of either.
*sigh*
SO I raced out of work, picked the kids up in record time, made it to the school by 5.45pm, to find a loooong queue of parents. My precious angels were already squabbling (perfect description), I was stressed because I was on a tight time schedule, and frustrated at the ridiculousness of having to wait in line with a toddler when, if they had set up a booking system, I could have had my set 5 or 10 minutes, been in and out and been done with it. Not helped by the fact that the picked venues were practically inaccessible for my Toddler's stroller, and no way was I letting Toddler loose! I looked at the queue, I looked at my kids, I looked at my watch, and I turned and walked out. Got back to work to find the job half done already (yay Jennifer!!), finished it off in record time and was home by 7pm.
I am annoyed that I didn't get to talk to my Tween's teachers, I really wanted some feedback from them that extended beyond the sameness they write in his report. I had a discussion with Tween about his report...
Me: So what's going on in your classes that you are distracted and talking?
Tween: I just wanna talk to my mates. But T** keeps talking and mucking around and I get in trouble cos I tell him to shut up
Me: hmmmm (disbelieving it is all T**'s fault).
Tween...plus I'm bored
Me: what, are you stupid? (this got a laugh from Tween, which is what I meant to happen). Is that why your classes are no good.
Tween: no, they just are (seriously, this is like me saying 'just because' when they ask me why I said no). Even English is (which he is good at and his teacher apparently thinks very highly of him).
*sigh*
What do I do? I told him his behaviour is his responsibility and he needs to make the choice to get his work done and muck around outside the classroom (the usual good mummy routine). I find him hard to relate to where school is concerned because I enjoyed it (mostly). I don't want him to screw up this early on. How do I motivate him (bribery does not work)?
On another, cmpletely unrelated note....
I am excited! My washing machine works again! It was a ten minute job for the repairman, there was a hair band (shame on me) jamming things up.
Well, tonight was supposed to be Parent/Teacher night, but for me it did not happen. It was a drop in set-up, from 5pm to 7pm. Well that was my first grrrr, because I don't finish work till 5pm, by the time I collect all the kids it is usually 5.45, and they are starving and refuse to be temporarily sated with a drink of water and a mini bag of popcorn. No...must have dinner NOW! Which is why you find me cooking almost as soon as I set foot in the door.
Anyway, so the time it was on was a bit iffy for me, and this was exacerbated by my sudden desire to rearrange the children's area, organising that event for this Tuesday night, before coming to the horrifying realisation that I had double booked myself and wasn't prepared to let go of either.
*sigh*
SO I raced out of work, picked the kids up in record time, made it to the school by 5.45pm, to find a loooong queue of parents. My precious angels were already squabbling (perfect description), I was stressed because I was on a tight time schedule, and frustrated at the ridiculousness of having to wait in line with a toddler when, if they had set up a booking system, I could have had my set 5 or 10 minutes, been in and out and been done with it. Not helped by the fact that the picked venues were practically inaccessible for my Toddler's stroller, and no way was I letting Toddler loose! I looked at the queue, I looked at my kids, I looked at my watch, and I turned and walked out. Got back to work to find the job half done already (yay Jennifer!!), finished it off in record time and was home by 7pm.
I am annoyed that I didn't get to talk to my Tween's teachers, I really wanted some feedback from them that extended beyond the sameness they write in his report. I had a discussion with Tween about his report...
Me: So what's going on in your classes that you are distracted and talking?
Tween: I just wanna talk to my mates. But T** keeps talking and mucking around and I get in trouble cos I tell him to shut up
Me: hmmmm (disbelieving it is all T**'s fault).
Tween...plus I'm bored
Me: what, are you stupid? (this got a laugh from Tween, which is what I meant to happen). Is that why your classes are no good.
Tween: no, they just are (seriously, this is like me saying 'just because' when they ask me why I said no). Even English is (which he is good at and his teacher apparently thinks very highly of him).
*sigh*
What do I do? I told him his behaviour is his responsibility and he needs to make the choice to get his work done and muck around outside the classroom (the usual good mummy routine). I find him hard to relate to where school is concerned because I enjoyed it (mostly). I don't want him to screw up this early on. How do I motivate him (bribery does not work)?
On another, cmpletely unrelated note....
I am excited! My washing machine works again! It was a ten minute job for the repairman, there was a hair band (shame on me) jamming things up.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Exhausted
Weekends, for me, are usually about recovering from the week before and re-energising for the week ahead. But I am not. Energised, I mean.
I worked Saturday morning and then for some wild reason I had volunteered to work Saturday afternoon as well, so I had a couple of hours break at home in the middle and then back to work until 8pm. I sat in front of my computer for 3 hours, not good. My eyes and butt was so sore by the time I left.
Working Saturday meant that the housework was saved for Sunday. yay. Being sans washing machine I had this brilliant idea that I would take the clothes to a self-service laundry. No-one told me they would be closed on a Sunday. Damn. I spent some time this afternoon hand washing uniforms so that we would all have something to wear for the next couple of days. I never thought I would find myself hand washing again, I haven't had to do it since my poor uni days, lol. My knuckles are a little raw.
My productiveness - I baked cookies and made sausage rolls, washed, went shopping, danced to the Wiggles and Hooley Dooleys with Toddler, played Monopoly with, and got beaten by, No.2, checked the worm farm (going well) and the veges (also going well), vacuumed (again! it is a daily de ja vu, lol).
I have spent a couple of days reading an interesting book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay: a step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Well, the title says it all (and so it should, it's long enough!). Now, most books at the library are all about how to save a marriage. This is one of few that actually look at, well, what reasons would you have to stay and is it really the right thing to do. It is written as a series of questions and guidelines, relevant discussion and case studies. You read the question and decide whether it applies to you, then read the guidelines, etc. You can stop at one, or keep going like I did.
Early on in the book it talks about relationship ambivalence, where you see-saw between wanting to leave and feeling like you should stay (for whatever reason). I feel like that. But I want to stay for material reasons, not because of love, or belief that this time we can work it out.
So what Ms Kirshenbaum asks you to do is to put your relationship on trial. Ask yourself the tough questions, such as
'Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?
This could be a special weekend that you and your patner had together, or when you were working together on a joint goal. For me it was my wedding day. One bright moment out of so many less than sparkly days. I remember feeling like there were so many wonderful possibilities ahead of us, that we would be united together, that we would share dreams and goals and children and our lives. But I realise, looking back, that we didn't know each other very well, that we hadn't talked about dreams and goals before we made a 'lifetime' commitment, that we really had no idea of our future. I realise that my hopes were based on a fantasy I had, of my knight in shining armour rescuing me and caring for me all my days afterward.
Another question was
'In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives you a feeling of closeness for a while'
Well, my answer is a big fat NO! (you can count sex as an answer, but only if it meets all the criteria listed above - anticipation, sharing, togetherness, closeness afterwards). And you know what, looking back I don't think we ever had an activity that both of us looked forward to. We had stuff that we did together (like going to the movies), but it was because DH liked it, or I wanted to, it was not something we anticipated and it certainly didn't generate closeness.
Well, I don't think I need to list any more questions, if you are ambivalent about your relationship I suggest having a read of it, you may find that, while you have a couple of speed humps, they are somewhat easy to get over. In my case the majority of my answers pointed to leaving as the better option. I can't say I disagree, but it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is simply not so clear cut. Reading this book made my heart ache and made me shed a few tears. It is not a nice thing to feel like your marriage is over, without actually being able to face it and deal with it. I am in a limbo state.
I may seem heartless when I talk about staying for material reasons rather than love. I still want to stay in my job for a couple more years, even though I know that it would mean struggling financially. Since I know how much stress that will cause I know realistically that I need to walk away, but damn it is hard. I like who I work with, I like my job most of the time, I have a great position, I am respected and the money is nice. The negatives are that I spend very little quality time with my kids, that I struggle every day in some small way to be a working mother and run the house the way I would like, that I struggle with being full-time. My ideal job would be part-time, in a similar position. A managerial job share position came up recently that, if I had my four years work experience, I would have/could have applied for. At this point in time I don't have enough experience and I had envisioned myself getting it as the library I am at now. This is what I struggle with. Not the leaving of DH, but the leaving of my job.
I worry about whether leaving is the best thing for the kids. They don't see much of DH, that is true, and when they do see him he is generally on the lounge. So I don't think leaving him will be such an issue. But I would be asking them to leave their schools and their friends and starting all over again somewhere else. I am not so sure about that.
I also read an awesome and moving book about teens, written by adolescent psychologist Michael Bradley. It is called 'The Heart and Soul of the Next Generation'. The heroes of the book think of themselves as ordinary people, but when faced with major life challenges they respond with acts of bravery, courage, and strength. I recommend this to anyone who has, or will have, teens.
What I got out of it was that it is important to be real with my sons, so that they see me not just as their mum, but as a human being with needs as well, that I make mistakes too and admit it, face it, and move on. I also realised that they need to be loved unconditionally (as much as I can), and be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes (within reason). That firm boundaries are important, for their sake and mine, but that if they step over the boundary there is fair consequences and forgiveness.
Blogs for today...
Oh the Joys
Owlhaven
I worked Saturday morning and then for some wild reason I had volunteered to work Saturday afternoon as well, so I had a couple of hours break at home in the middle and then back to work until 8pm. I sat in front of my computer for 3 hours, not good. My eyes and butt was so sore by the time I left.
Working Saturday meant that the housework was saved for Sunday. yay. Being sans washing machine I had this brilliant idea that I would take the clothes to a self-service laundry. No-one told me they would be closed on a Sunday. Damn. I spent some time this afternoon hand washing uniforms so that we would all have something to wear for the next couple of days. I never thought I would find myself hand washing again, I haven't had to do it since my poor uni days, lol. My knuckles are a little raw.
My productiveness - I baked cookies and made sausage rolls, washed, went shopping, danced to the Wiggles and Hooley Dooleys with Toddler, played Monopoly with, and got beaten by, No.2, checked the worm farm (going well) and the veges (also going well), vacuumed (again! it is a daily de ja vu, lol).
I have spent a couple of days reading an interesting book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay: a step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Well, the title says it all (and so it should, it's long enough!). Now, most books at the library are all about how to save a marriage. This is one of few that actually look at, well, what reasons would you have to stay and is it really the right thing to do. It is written as a series of questions and guidelines, relevant discussion and case studies. You read the question and decide whether it applies to you, then read the guidelines, etc. You can stop at one, or keep going like I did.
Early on in the book it talks about relationship ambivalence, where you see-saw between wanting to leave and feeling like you should stay (for whatever reason). I feel like that. But I want to stay for material reasons, not because of love, or belief that this time we can work it out.
So what Ms Kirshenbaum asks you to do is to put your relationship on trial. Ask yourself the tough questions, such as
'Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?
This could be a special weekend that you and your patner had together, or when you were working together on a joint goal. For me it was my wedding day. One bright moment out of so many less than sparkly days. I remember feeling like there were so many wonderful possibilities ahead of us, that we would be united together, that we would share dreams and goals and children and our lives. But I realise, looking back, that we didn't know each other very well, that we hadn't talked about dreams and goals before we made a 'lifetime' commitment, that we really had no idea of our future. I realise that my hopes were based on a fantasy I had, of my knight in shining armour rescuing me and caring for me all my days afterward.
Another question was
'In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives you a feeling of closeness for a while'
Well, my answer is a big fat NO! (you can count sex as an answer, but only if it meets all the criteria listed above - anticipation, sharing, togetherness, closeness afterwards). And you know what, looking back I don't think we ever had an activity that both of us looked forward to. We had stuff that we did together (like going to the movies), but it was because DH liked it, or I wanted to, it was not something we anticipated and it certainly didn't generate closeness.
Well, I don't think I need to list any more questions, if you are ambivalent about your relationship I suggest having a read of it, you may find that, while you have a couple of speed humps, they are somewhat easy to get over. In my case the majority of my answers pointed to leaving as the better option. I can't say I disagree, but it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is simply not so clear cut. Reading this book made my heart ache and made me shed a few tears. It is not a nice thing to feel like your marriage is over, without actually being able to face it and deal with it. I am in a limbo state.
I may seem heartless when I talk about staying for material reasons rather than love. I still want to stay in my job for a couple more years, even though I know that it would mean struggling financially. Since I know how much stress that will cause I know realistically that I need to walk away, but damn it is hard. I like who I work with, I like my job most of the time, I have a great position, I am respected and the money is nice. The negatives are that I spend very little quality time with my kids, that I struggle every day in some small way to be a working mother and run the house the way I would like, that I struggle with being full-time. My ideal job would be part-time, in a similar position. A managerial job share position came up recently that, if I had my four years work experience, I would have/could have applied for. At this point in time I don't have enough experience and I had envisioned myself getting it as the library I am at now. This is what I struggle with. Not the leaving of DH, but the leaving of my job.
I worry about whether leaving is the best thing for the kids. They don't see much of DH, that is true, and when they do see him he is generally on the lounge. So I don't think leaving him will be such an issue. But I would be asking them to leave their schools and their friends and starting all over again somewhere else. I am not so sure about that.
I also read an awesome and moving book about teens, written by adolescent psychologist Michael Bradley. It is called 'The Heart and Soul of the Next Generation'. The heroes of the book think of themselves as ordinary people, but when faced with major life challenges they respond with acts of bravery, courage, and strength. I recommend this to anyone who has, or will have, teens.
What I got out of it was that it is important to be real with my sons, so that they see me not just as their mum, but as a human being with needs as well, that I make mistakes too and admit it, face it, and move on. I also realised that they need to be loved unconditionally (as much as I can), and be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes (within reason). That firm boundaries are important, for their sake and mine, but that if they step over the boundary there is fair consequences and forgiveness.
Blogs for today...
Oh the Joys
Owlhaven
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