Work in progress

I started this Bargello quilt about 5 years ago. Life got in the way and it sat in pieces in a bag in a box for about 4 years. I would pull it out now and then and think about working on it, but it just seemed too hard.

I had some free time this week. I finally got my sewing machine set up and I pulled this quilt out again. I laid it out on my bed and committed to getting the top completed. I have finished piecing the main body of the quilt, as you can see, and now have to decide what border fabric to use. I am thinking a dark purple or blue to frame it.

Feeling pitiful

Today's word for the day...numb. I wish I felt numb.

Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.

F*** it.

I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?

Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.

I still say F*** it.

What brought this on?

Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.

Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.

Hence me feeling pitiful.

F*** it.

There is a twist at every turn

Every Monday I take time to read Postsecret. Sometimes there is a secret there that particularly speaks to me. Today there were one.

It has a picture of a graph on it that shows the line peaking in the middle, then steadily dropping towards the right. Up the side reads 'age', and along the bottom 'chances of finding my true love and soulmate'. The secret states - "I'm sooooo afraid I've missed all my chances...and will end up alone and lonely".

I wonder about this, but slightly differently. I believe I once found my soul mate and I believe that we will never be together as a couple. My wondering is more along the lines of - do we only get a brief window of time to find someone to settle down with before it all becomes too hard to even try?

I have had two long term relationships. The first began when I was 13 and lasted 4 yrs, the second was when I was 21 and lasted 9 yrs. It seems my window was between the ages of 13 and about 27yrs, simply because now I feel like a long term relationship just asks too much of me.

I think people are also affected by their life paths. I have focused on matters which have taken me away from social scenes and as such feel like I have not had the opportunity to meet a wide range of people. Meeting people is what creates the opportunities to find someone to settle down with.

I resorted to online dating, with some success, but it is not an ideal way to meet someone. I chose that method because I did not have the time or energy to pursue extra-curricular activities. Now...now I know that not having that time or energy affects my ability and desire to have a full-time relationship with someone.

I do not really want to end up alone and lonely. I guess it is all about perspective. If I have a cat, will I be lonely? If I have grandchildren who come visit, will I be lonely? Will the empty house echo back at me and make me feel lonely? Will I fill my life with activities and people that will enable me to enjoy the peaceful haven that my home is for me?

I like that the future is unknown. I feel like I am on a journey that has a myriad of twists and turns, and even the bad brings with it some good.

work...a week ago today my two colleagues and I, who were to be out of a job as of today, were offered another month's employment. I actually spent two days considering the offer before saying 'yes'. At least I have some money coming in while I look for other work. I have applied for two jobs so far.

My best friend had a miscarriage last Thursday. She has two healthy boys, this was her first loss. She sounds ok over the phone, a bit disappointed more than anything. I am sure there is another bubba for her in the future.

I have come to the decision that there will be no more bubba's for me. I am enjoying watching my boys grow and finding that I do not have baby lust at all any more. I do not envy the parents their sleepless nights, lol. I do look forward to being a nanna in ten years or so.

Moving right along....

My apologies for being absent for so long.

You may recall this post from June. Well, unfortunately I never became smitten, nor did I swoon, and even worse (in my opinion), I did not lust.

D2 is a lovely guy. He wanted to treat me like a princess. He wanted to spend alot of time with me, and with my boys. He wanted to make sure I knew how he felt, by telling me at least 10 times a day (hang on, let me think...5 texts in the 40 mins it took me to get to work, 2 texts by morning tea, at least 1 by lunch, two more by the time I left work, and then 3 or 4 before bed time...hmm that adds up to 13ish...every weekday). He wanted to talk constantly about how badly he was treated by his ex, and how incredibly lovely and wonderful and gorgeous I was. He wanted to do things for me to make my life easier, and to watch me doing the things that I do to get through each day. He could not bear to be apart from me.

God that makes me tired reading it. But still, he was/is a lovely guy. He will make someone very happy one day...but not me.

I ended it this Thursday just gone. Lay there in bed with him and said it was over. Told him that after nearly 2 months I still had not developed any feelings for him other than friendship. Told him that it was best if he got his things and went that day. He did not cry (he has in the past, when he thought I was annoyed at him, which I was, and the crying did not help), he did not cry then, but he was unhappy.

I felt relief.

The realisation that I must end it had come to me the day before, Wednesday. D2 had met me for lunch at my work (he would have done this every day if I had allowed it) and we discussed various things to do with his house and work and ex. Then he pointed out that now that I would no longer be working (more about that shortly) we could go for walks together and spend alot more time together. When I heard that the thought crossed my mind that I could not think of anything worse than spending MORE time with him (I was seeing him most days and every weekend). I spent the afternoon and evening considering that thought and realised that I had to end it and sooner rather than later. If I felt that way after 7 or so weeks then there was no future for us.

So Thursday morning it was.

He is mostly out of my life. He is keen to stay friends but I am keeping my distance at the moment. He texts me now and then through the day and sometimes I answer, and sometimes I don't.

Work...
do you recall that I was on a three month contract. Well, me and 3 others in our team were in the same position. Turns out that E-Services only got funding for one more permanent position, and I did not get it (the best man won and all that). So 3 of us are now out of a job as of 24th August.

I actually don't care too much. I was stressing about how I was going to pay my rent, but then I got my tax return and so I put most of that towards rent. That way I have at least a month to either get part-time work, or get a handle on my finances. I only want part-time work, I am concerned about mum's health and keen to be around a bit more for the kids, plus it would give me time to keep on top of house work and such like. Anyway, I am just chilling now and feeling fine about life at the moment.

Toddler, my baby, turns 3 tomorrow. He is such an awesome little bloke. We have just started toilet training and I feel quite positive about it. He loves to sing and dance and read and he makes me smile and laugh every single day.

Teen is...a teen, lol. He wants to sleep all day and stay up all night, he smells and he is awful to No.2. But he is good to me, he still hugs and kisses me, and we get on quite well most of the time.

No.2....hmmm...bit challenging at the moment, but I recall that Teen was the same at the same age. Still doing well at school and is getting more interested in reading.

We all have push bikes now (other than Toddler, who will double with me), so in the near future we are going riding. Could be a good experience...or not, lol.