the learning curve continues

I spent some time reading about depression today. I appear to have something called reactive depression, which occurs when I have a major event in my life and I feel overwhelmed. D, on the other hand, appears to have a more severe type of depression which can actually be genetic. I am basing that judgement on the symptoms he has exhibited so far. In his case it is something that will recur periodically.

So tonight I had to think about whether I was willing to continue as his girlfriend, knowing that he has a form of depression that could be emotionally draining for me, and maybe for my kids.

It isn't an easy decision. This is a big thing. But, it is something that is treatable and can be managed. I had to look at whether I could be strong enough to support both myself and him when times got tough. I had to look at how I was going to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health during tough times. That is a good question for the psych. Better to be armed with knowledge than going in to it blind.

So then I looked at what I knew of D so far. I considered the many things we had spoken about. I thought about the connection I had felt with him, and how, so often when he spoke, it felt like I was the one speaking because our thoughts were so similar. I thought about how good it felt when he touched me, and how much he loved my touch. I thought about so much. And through it all I was asking myself, 'will this be enough?' Is there enough of a connection, enough similarities, to get us through tough times?

I think there is. I am being tested emotionally at the moment. I am very glad that I am seeking help now. It is the right time for me to do this. I can face my own issues, and hopefully come through stronger than ever. That is not to say that I won't have days where I struggle, but hopefully it will be easier to get through it.

People are flawed. God did not make us into perfect beings. He made us so we could complement each other. He made us so that we would recognise our imperfections and be humbled by them. I am flawed. D is flawed.

Today I have begun learning about how to handle D, although I hope it isn't too late. I have an online friend who is a grief counsellor, she has had some experience with severe depression. She gave me some good advice and an ear to bend, which is what I needed most. It was good to talk to someone about what was happening with D. I feel more positive about the situation. I always feel better when I have some knowledge of what is happening, rather than feeling like I am walking blind.

I don't expect this to be an easy path. I don't expect it to be all pretty flowers and sunshine. Life is not like that.