Christmas Eve

I wish you all the best. I hope you and any loved ones have a safe and happy holiday season.

Took Teen to the GP who had a good old chat to both of us, read over the report from the psych and supported her opinion that Teen has ADHD, but remained skeptical about the Schizophrenia. Since there is almost no question about the ADHD (insert parental guilt here) we have been referred to the Mental Health Services here and I am now waiting on a call from them to set up an appointment.

I wish my pride had not stopped me from seeking help for Teen sooner...five or more years ago really. Right now I worry about his future. I can see that now the process has begun there is some hope for his future...but still.

My brothers are a good example of how I don't want Teen to end up. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, because I seem quite different from all of them. My brothers are all younger than me. L is 28, has not had a job in about 5yrs, sits at home on his computer playing games or watching tv, has had drug problems in the past, has not had a girlfriend in about 9yrs, has no real prospects. A is nearly 21, is heavy into alcohol and drugs, has not held down a job for more than a couple of months since he left highschool. H has ADD and mild Aspergers, he is 19, and also a drug user, although apparently not as bad as A, has never had a job and was unable to complete highschool.

These are the men in the periphery of my Teen's life. Combine that with over hormonal peers, a dad who struggles with interactive parenting and a mother at her wit's end and the prospects for Teen don't look so great either.

So I am placing alot of hope in the treatment that I expect Teen to receive in the New Year. Please God, let it produce positive results.

So...tomorrow is Christmas. I am thankful that my mum has made it to her second Christmas since getting sick. We did not expect her to make it to the first. My brother A is behaving badly towards mum at the moment, so if he comes to lunch tomorrow things may be a little tense. This has been the poorest Christmas I can ever remember. I actually haven't bought the boys anything yet, I just have not had any money. They are at their dad's for Christmas, so I get an extra week to go present shopping (yay for crazy Christmas Sales).

I am tired of drama. There has been such alot of it these last few months, at my home, at derby, at mum's. I would love a little peace. Actually, with the boys away at their dad's for Christmas, it has been rather peaceful :-) I put Teen on the train yesterday. He and his bro's will be back Monday week.

I read back over this year's posts...all 15 of them lol. It's been a really tough year. A stressful year, a money poor year, a year of worry. I hope 2011 brings some happiness. I hope I remember to write about all the good stuff that I know happens.

Be safe

searching for the positives...

Truly, I am, but they seem few and far between.

It's amazing how lonely you can feeling when standing in the midst of friends.

What is it about being single that makes a person feel incomplete? Why is there this overpowering need/want/desire to have somebody to share life with? Why is it that some people seem perfectly happy with their singular status? Is it fake? Is it extreme selfishness?

It's amazing how alone you can feel when dealing with the many burdens of life. How each little event just piles up, all the while so does the washing, and the dishes, and the rest of the household jobs that seem too much to deal with. Friends are there, but they can't ease the burden, or you think your burden isn't enough to bother them with, or your pride gets in the way, so you don't ask for help.

Took Teen back to psychologist for the results from some written tests we had done. She discussed the findings with us, had some one on one time with Teen, called me back in the room and stated that she felt that while he does appear to have ADHD, she actually believed he showed signs of Schizophrenia. She then apologised.

sigh

We're off to the GP next week to have chat to him and see what our options are. I want to get Teen extensively tested to ensure that it is Schizoprehia and not ADHD. The diagnosis by the Psychologist is unconfirmed, it is an opinion rather than a fact (although the test results were pretty damning).

Needless to say I spent the next couple of days after the 'diagnosis' reading up on it, and then crying off and on. I told my mum about what we had been doing. I started off by saying Teen and I had been going to a Psychologist and that she had initially felt he was ADHD, my mum stopped me there and said 'Can I just say I told you so?'

bitch

I burst into tears at that comment. Told her to shut up and let me tell the rest of the story. She did, and I did, and then we chatted about it for the next couple hours, with me crying off and on just from the stress of all of it, and the fear for his future. She was kind of reassuring. One of my brothers has learning disabilities and so mum has dealt with the mental health unit, and with local Dr's and the like, so she had a bit of useful info. She offered to take Teen off my hands now and then so that I could have a break, and this is something I really appreciated as it can be challenging having him around (as previous posts can attest to).

I posted on my Facebook recently...

ok, so you know how the saying is 'God only gives you as much as you can handle'? Well, God, you can stop giving now, please. I need a break...

I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what I am going to have to deal with next. Then I get up and I handle whatever 'it' is.

In my selfish moments I wonder if I will ever find a man who will willingly take on me and my kids. I feel the possibility creeping further and further away. A friend said to me last night 'You are so awesome, I love you!' and I said to her, 'Why is it only women ever say that to me? Where is there a man who will see it, recognise it, and love me too?'

I think that was too much thinking for her grog addled brain lol.

The Derby AGM has been and gone and was nowhere near as painful as expected. Actually, it was pretty painless. I think my report was the longest one, I talked for about 10 minutes, answered a couple of uncomplicated questions, and was done. There has been a few changes in the make up of the Exec and general committees, but it looks to be people who will be good in the roles. The next year will be interesting.

We had our Derby Xmas Party last night and I went, had a meal, chatted to a few people, and found myself wishing I was at home with a good book. I was kind of bored.

I have a derby friend who I am struggling to be friends with at the moment, I shall call her J. She is a challenging personality, in that she is very...how do I describe her...full on...hmmm, yeh I guess that's the best I can do. J has mood swings, takes minor things personally, acts inappropriately at times (like at the AGM, I was sitting talking serious Derby business with a colleague and she sat across from me and threw a bit of paper at me. I actually told her off, I said 'now is not the time or place for this' and frowned at her. She got all sulky and opened up the piece of paper and showed me that it said 'I love you', and I said 'that's sweet, but now is really not the time'. It actually really irritated me). She is not well liked in the league. I persist with the friendship because I do like her at times, but lately her sulkiness and her rudeness is getting a little worse, and I am getting a little less tolerant (with all the shit I have to deal with, her's does not even rate). The most current...

J's boyfriend is a ref with the league. His ex-girlfriend, let's call her Shiny, joined (at least 6 mths ago, maybe longer). Shiny is not interested in J's boyfriend. Way back when Shiny joined, J chucked a tanty about the ex-g joining, went on and on about how this girl joined just to piss her off. That drama got settled, somewhat, and J and Shiny ignore each other at training and events and move in a different crowd. J gets the shits if her boyfriend talks to the ex-g. I am friends with Shiny, she is a funny, nice girl. I refuse to take sides (not that the Shiny asks it of me, she could care less about J). I think J doesn't handle the fact that people in general like Shiny. Shiny is also on the General Committee and is very good at the role she has. J, on the other hand, has managed to screw up the two committee positions she has held in the last year (because of her behaviour).

Anyway, I was out with J the other night, with some other girls from the league. J went on and on about Shiny, about how she joined to piss off J, about how she is crap at her job etc etc. The thing is, she calls Shiny 'It'. I find this incredibly offensive (especially having read 'A Boy called "It"'). I find her behaviour childish, and inappropriate (her dislike of Shiny is based on personal, apparently non-existent issues). Calling a human being 'It' is about as low as you can go, and when Shiny is actually a really nice, genuine person, the term grates on me even more.

So I am backing off from the friendship. Not obviously, but I just don't have alot of time or tolerance for J anymore. I think she may be a bit mentally unstable, an opinion that I know a couple of Execs share with me after having worked with her. I am one of the few friends she has in the league, so that makes it harder, but after the other night, listening to her going on, I really don't think I can be a good friend to her. We were seated near each other at dinner last night, and I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle listening to her going on and on about whatever subject interested her at the time (she is hard to shut up). Once I had finished my meal I got up and moved away and sat elsewhere. I didn't make it obvious that I moved because of her, I just went and talked to someone else and then chose to stay where I was, but I think she noticed anyway. Later, when she was leaving, she came up to me and kept going on about how we'll have to catch up through the week and do something together.

shrug

She has a Nutrimetics party on in Jan that I am going to, that will be enough.

D got in touch with me, crapped on about how he wanted to grow up and be a man, said he wanted to date me...blah blah blah. I am not holding my breath. That was about two weeks ago and...nothing...lol...surprise surprise. I am honestly not fussed. I mean it. I really don't care. I am on dating sites, I am talking to men, I am not sitting around waiting for D to prove himself.

I think I am partly to blame for how things ended up. I met him at a time when I was not well emotionally, then when he withdrew I did not cope well. It's never been the same since.

I have been reading an interesting book called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man'. It is written by a man and talks about having self respect, not giving yourself too soon (he advocates ninety days), so that you can determine that the guy is around for you and not for the goodies. He talks about three indications that a man has strong feelings for you - Profess (he wants you to meet his friends and family, he wants to take you out and show you off to the world), Protect (physically, from danger; generally, by making sure you are safe, by giving advice he thinks will help you), Provide (financially, but not necessarily so. He can provide by helping you out in other ways, like fixing your car, or getting a mate to do it). I saw all those behaviours in D2 and T, the other two guys I have seriously dated in this last 2 yrs, didn't work out, but still...

So, I'm reading this and thinking about all the times I needed D to be a man for me, like in April last year when my mum was in hospital, or when I moved up to this city and knew no-one, or when I had my car accident and had no idea how to go about buying a new car and subsequently got ripped off. He was in my life, but not for me, for the goodies. And that's my fault. I gave up the goodies before he earned the right to have them.

Lesson learned.

Blech

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech

A little heartbroken and lost

Teen has been stealing from me. He has gone through my cupboards and drawers in my bedroom and taken items from there. He goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants without checking that it is ok to have (there has been a number of occasions where he has eaten food set aside for school lunches). I have one shelf in the kitchen that I reserve for myself, it has my healthy snacks, my protein powder and, on the rare occasion there is enough money in the house, it is where I put my chocolate.

Trust in this house is assumed. Basic respect of space and property is expected. Unfortunately Teen seems to have completely bypassed the lessons on trust and respect. Nothing is safe from his prying hands and eyes. If he wants something, he takes it. He has lost all my tools by not returning them after use, destroyed my garden fork because he had the shits, destroyed an outdoor broom that belongs to the owners of the house, put dents in the walls.

The current last straw was when I went to my cupboard last night to enjoy some chocolate that my brother had bought me as a gift. It was gone. I immediately confronted Teen, who said he took some. I pointed out that the whole block was gone, so where was the rest of it? He got it from his school bag. Less than half a block. I was close to tears, I had been looking forward to this treat all day. I yelled at him, saying that it was a gift from my brother, that Teen invades every space in this house, so why could I not have just this one shelf that he does not touch? He had nothing for me, did not seem phased by how upset I was.

I feel like I have nothing left for him. Trust and respect is so important to me and I feel that it is beyond me to generate any more forgiveness for this person who cares so little for other people's things.

I am devastated. I do not know what to do. I do not want to be around him. I do not want him near me. I want to turn my back on him. I am so lost.

I feel like a failure as a parent.

Reflective and sad

I had it in my head that I only post on here when I am miserable, so I was glad to see that the last couple of posts are actually pretty positive :)

I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.

So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...

Time will tell

I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.

Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.

I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.

ah...and now to the kids

It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.

So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).

Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.

I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.

I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.

So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).

No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).

Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.

Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.

It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).

At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.

Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.

Reading with Little Boy

Procrastinating is what I am doing at the moment. I am working on my final uni assignment for this semester and find it both boring and intriguing at the same time. It is an essay on cognitive development. Children in general interest me - their differing behaviours and reactions, how they think and interpret situations. Writing about it, on the other hand, is blah. I am merely repeating what others have written before me.

Little Boy (formerly Toddler) and I love to read together at bedtime. If it is not too late we will always read at least one story, but if he gets to bed on time we read three, and if he gives me big smoochy kisses and hugs I might be convinced to read a fourth! A current favourite is 'Boris Monster : Scared of Nothing', and another is the 'Wiggly Word House' (we have read this so much I groan when he pulls it out of the shelf, but I still read it). Last night we were reading a Dora the Explorer seek and find book, another one that has been a long time favourite of his and makes me groan when I see it. Sometimes when I get bored with a book we make it silly. In the Dora book we pretend that what we have to find is called something else, e.g. a book is an elephant, a ruler becomes a chicken, a dog becomes a boot. Since I love to hear him laugh, and he thinks games like this are pretty damn funny, it makes reading the book (for the thousandth time) much more enjoyable.

Anyway, all this reading on cognitive development also makes me pay attention to how Little Boy views things, and he is of an age where I can ask him questions about why he thinks something is what it is. In this case, he showed me a picture of a turtle and said 'this is a turtle'. Of course I immediately said 'no, it's a banana' and was rewarded with a giggle, but then I asked him 'How do you know it's a turtle?' We were silly for a bit longer, and then he pointed to it and said 'it's legs'
Me 'because they are short?'
Little Boy 'yes....and his thing on his back'
Me 'the shell? That's called a shell'
Little Boy ' yes, his shell'.
He looked at the pic for a few seconds more and then announced 'and his googly eyes!'
Of course that set us both laughing.

I love reading books with my Little Boy

Entertained

It is quite fun to go back and read old posts and see how little, or how much, has changed.

D and I are plodding along just fine. It's been two years since we met online and I wish I could say it has been easy, but my goodness it has not, lol. We have both agreed that we are tired of the 'on again, off again' relationship and that we are going to give it a good hard go this time. I may read this in 3 months and laugh and shake my head, but for now that is where we are at. One of the most important things was that I need to stop thinking that he is the same as me. I think we have proved time and again that that is not the case. He has asked only one thing of me and that is to 'just relax'. I laughed when he said that and hid my head, because I know it is true, I get so strung out about us sometimes that I turn my back and run.

My job is great for child observation. I am intrigued to see how different boys and girls are from a very young age, usually from about 3 yrs you can really see boys vs girls. By that I mean the gender differences. For example, when I have 3 girls and 1 boy around 4 yrs, the girls will flock together, will play pretend games in the cubby house and with the picnic food and may exclude the boy completely unless they are playing 'mums and dads'. The boy may go off and play with cars. I rarely see girls gravitate towards the cars.

Letter from the past

I received a letter from myself today via http://www.futureme.org/. It was only a short email, I remember at the time wondering if it was a joke and doing the email more as a test.

I asked myself if D was still in the picture, if my mum was still alive, had my toddler finished toilet training, did my boys still hug and kiss me every day and did teen still tell me that he loved me. I asked myself whether I was playing roller derby, did I get in to uni, am I treating myself well.

It was interesting to read. I will write another one, a longer one, asking similaar questions I suppose, but going into more detail about what life is like right now.

memories

I have been off visiting my best friend and her family this week just gone. She is the proud mum of two boys aged 6 and 2, and a brand new baby girl. I spent the week being her nanny, and chauffeur, and cleaner when required. The nanny bit was pretty tiring, as her 2 yr old is a bundle of mischief and had to be watched like a hawk. I had my younger two there as well and so 5 kids made for an energetic week.

I had lots of cuddles with the new baby too, and have subsequently found that it has brought up some stuff for me.

While I don't feel clucky, the wanting has returned. I would cradle her little head in my hand and marvel at how perfect she is, marvel at the miracle of life. I found myself recalling the feeling of being pregnant, that fullness, the ripeness of the body, the nudge from a foot, or hand, or head. I found myself wanting to experience it again. I also recall the exhaustion from lack of sleep, but how that was overwhelmed by the joy of a new baby.

It also had me thinking about my first baby. The ten hour drive home gave me plenty of time for mulling over old memories, and trying to recall much that I had forgotten. I get so frustrated at my poor memory, as it means I lose the opportunity to relive experiences.

Anyway, my thoughts were on the baby I had lost when he was 6 weeks old. He died of meningitis, at a time when it was very rare. I was only 15 at the time, and my partner must have been barely 18. We went to the Dr thinking he had chicken pox, instead, the Dr told us to get straight to the hospital as she did not know what he had but it definitely was not chicken pox. And so began living hell, the next 24hrs are hrs I would never want to relive. Such a great loss for such young people to bear.

That baby would have been turning 18 this year, and so I can not help but wonder what might have been.

Sometimes I feel as if I have lived multiple lifetimes in this one life. Sometimes I look back on it all and marvel that I am here now, moderately sane, and mostly happy. Do I thank my mother for my resilience? Did it come from having a supportive early childhood, or one where I was expected to look after myself to some extent? I think, knowing my mother, that the latter is more likely.

Smiley face

I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.

I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.

I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.

Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.

My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.

Disappointed

sooo...things are over with T. Turns out that he was not an ex-alcoholic, but a current one. He lost his job last week because he turned up drunk. I spent the weekend thinking about whether I wanted a relationship with a person with this disease, and decided that I could not handle it emotionally. I would stress about it and if he ever had a drink I would be a bitch about it, and I said all that to him when I saw him again. He appeared to understand, and we chatted for another hour about other stuff. I am glad that I never got emotionally involved, I enjoyed him as a friend and had just started thinking about a possible future for us when he sat me down and told me about his drinking and his job. It is disappointing that he is such a great guy, with such a massive problem.

Then...I asked D for help with something that I knew he was familiar with, and somehow that led to us meeting up and hanging out for a few hours.

Sigh...I get so frustrated with my own inability to just let him go once and for all.

how things change

I have never been far away, but as usual, life gets in the way. I miss blogging tho, miss seeing my words on 'paper' and reading back over time. It's not really that hard to take 15mins or so to write, well...you would think.

Anyway

I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.

So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.

Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.

So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).

Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.

Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.

No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.

Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.

Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.

So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)

Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.

Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.

Time slips on by

and I don't even notice. Too busy to notice. I have logged into the blog a few times in the last six weeks and then got sidetracked and ran out of time to actually write.

hmmm...where to begin?

Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.

Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.

Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.

Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.

Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

So we shall see.

Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.

What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)

struggling

It has been a tough month.

My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.

My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.

Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.

I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.

Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.

still fine...

still churned up over the ex having a girlfriend, and it is still about HIM having someone when I cannot find a man who actually wants to get to know me without stifling me.

lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.

I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.

I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.

Fine....

is what I say when things aren't really fine at all, but maybe I am still processing my options. Or I am just not fine.

Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.

What a way to start the New Year.

Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.

Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.

So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.

To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?

I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.

Bring on the self pity.

He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.

I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.

More self pity.

In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.

It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.

Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.

I feel so tired.