It appears that my lovely romance has ended. Not sure quite what happened, because as you may have already read the communication had dropped off almost completely. So I am a little confused, a bit hurt, and very disappointed. But you know what, I am not devastated, and I thought I would be.
D is an awesome guy. I still like him, I still have alot of respect for him, and I have a basic understanding of his condition. I am disappointed in his decision to not be up front with me, but I can live with it.
I learnt abit about myself through this experience, which I think is fantastic. Now I have a better understanding of who I am as a person, as an individual, and not as a mother, or a wife, or a friend.
I like me.
Not sure if I am going to fall apart over the next couple of days or weeks, I don't think so. I am looking forward to talking with a counsellor and continuing my self-exploration.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
continued on from yesterday
I am feeling more positive today. I was online with D for a little while last night, he was feeling very down. I put myself out there and made him aware that I would stick around. He didn't have alot to say. That is ok, I am not taking it personally anymore, I get that it is how he is feeling in the moment, and really, it isn't too rational. When he comes out of it maybe we will sit down and discuss some achievable goals, as he had set himself some very hard ones.
One of the pieces of advice that my friend gave me was to do what D asked and back off on the contact until he is ready, but to send maybe one or two messages through the day just to keep in touch. So I sent him my usual 'good morning' when I woke at 6am, and tonight I will send him a text at some point. I have picked my phone up a few times to send a message, then put it away again without doing anything.
I wanted to celebrate successfully losing 10kgs in 10 weeks with someone, so I texted my best friend and another friend instead. My loss will mean more to them than to D anyway. I am aiming to lose another 14kgs, I figure it will take me about 20 weeks, so mid-March thereabouts. The only pain in the bum about losing weight is that my clothes don't fit! Well, some of it is fitting much better, some is falling off. My work clothes are falling off, but some colleagues have given me a couple of pieces and also made some suggestions about how to fix what I have so I get a bit more wear out of them.
I am going out tonight with a group of girls who are all single parents. We are going to a Greek restaurant. Should be a blast. It is a catered party and is supposed to run from 7pm - 3am, but I plan to be home by midnight as I have to work tomorrow morning, and then I am driving up to see mum and my bro's in the afternoon. We are having a family meeting about Christmas, lol.
One of the pieces of advice that my friend gave me was to do what D asked and back off on the contact until he is ready, but to send maybe one or two messages through the day just to keep in touch. So I sent him my usual 'good morning' when I woke at 6am, and tonight I will send him a text at some point. I have picked my phone up a few times to send a message, then put it away again without doing anything.
I wanted to celebrate successfully losing 10kgs in 10 weeks with someone, so I texted my best friend and another friend instead. My loss will mean more to them than to D anyway. I am aiming to lose another 14kgs, I figure it will take me about 20 weeks, so mid-March thereabouts. The only pain in the bum about losing weight is that my clothes don't fit! Well, some of it is fitting much better, some is falling off. My work clothes are falling off, but some colleagues have given me a couple of pieces and also made some suggestions about how to fix what I have so I get a bit more wear out of them.
I am going out tonight with a group of girls who are all single parents. We are going to a Greek restaurant. Should be a blast. It is a catered party and is supposed to run from 7pm - 3am, but I plan to be home by midnight as I have to work tomorrow morning, and then I am driving up to see mum and my bro's in the afternoon. We are having a family meeting about Christmas, lol.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
the learning curve continues
I spent some time reading about depression today. I appear to have something called reactive depression, which occurs when I have a major event in my life and I feel overwhelmed. D, on the other hand, appears to have a more severe type of depression which can actually be genetic. I am basing that judgement on the symptoms he has exhibited so far. In his case it is something that will recur periodically.
So tonight I had to think about whether I was willing to continue as his girlfriend, knowing that he has a form of depression that could be emotionally draining for me, and maybe for my kids.
It isn't an easy decision. This is a big thing. But, it is something that is treatable and can be managed. I had to look at whether I could be strong enough to support both myself and him when times got tough. I had to look at how I was going to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health during tough times. That is a good question for the psych. Better to be armed with knowledge than going in to it blind.
So then I looked at what I knew of D so far. I considered the many things we had spoken about. I thought about the connection I had felt with him, and how, so often when he spoke, it felt like I was the one speaking because our thoughts were so similar. I thought about how good it felt when he touched me, and how much he loved my touch. I thought about so much. And through it all I was asking myself, 'will this be enough?' Is there enough of a connection, enough similarities, to get us through tough times?
I think there is. I am being tested emotionally at the moment. I am very glad that I am seeking help now. It is the right time for me to do this. I can face my own issues, and hopefully come through stronger than ever. That is not to say that I won't have days where I struggle, but hopefully it will be easier to get through it.
People are flawed. God did not make us into perfect beings. He made us so we could complement each other. He made us so that we would recognise our imperfections and be humbled by them. I am flawed. D is flawed.
Today I have begun learning about how to handle D, although I hope it isn't too late. I have an online friend who is a grief counsellor, she has had some experience with severe depression. She gave me some good advice and an ear to bend, which is what I needed most. It was good to talk to someone about what was happening with D. I feel more positive about the situation. I always feel better when I have some knowledge of what is happening, rather than feeling like I am walking blind.
I don't expect this to be an easy path. I don't expect it to be all pretty flowers and sunshine. Life is not like that.
So tonight I had to think about whether I was willing to continue as his girlfriend, knowing that he has a form of depression that could be emotionally draining for me, and maybe for my kids.
It isn't an easy decision. This is a big thing. But, it is something that is treatable and can be managed. I had to look at whether I could be strong enough to support both myself and him when times got tough. I had to look at how I was going to be able to care for my own mental and emotional health during tough times. That is a good question for the psych. Better to be armed with knowledge than going in to it blind.
So then I looked at what I knew of D so far. I considered the many things we had spoken about. I thought about the connection I had felt with him, and how, so often when he spoke, it felt like I was the one speaking because our thoughts were so similar. I thought about how good it felt when he touched me, and how much he loved my touch. I thought about so much. And through it all I was asking myself, 'will this be enough?' Is there enough of a connection, enough similarities, to get us through tough times?
I think there is. I am being tested emotionally at the moment. I am very glad that I am seeking help now. It is the right time for me to do this. I can face my own issues, and hopefully come through stronger than ever. That is not to say that I won't have days where I struggle, but hopefully it will be easier to get through it.
People are flawed. God did not make us into perfect beings. He made us so we could complement each other. He made us so that we would recognise our imperfections and be humbled by them. I am flawed. D is flawed.
Today I have begun learning about how to handle D, although I hope it isn't too late. I have an online friend who is a grief counsellor, she has had some experience with severe depression. She gave me some good advice and an ear to bend, which is what I needed most. It was good to talk to someone about what was happening with D. I feel more positive about the situation. I always feel better when I have some knowledge of what is happening, rather than feeling like I am walking blind.
I don't expect this to be an easy path. I don't expect it to be all pretty flowers and sunshine. Life is not like that.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
so what now?
I heard from D this morning. Basically he is feeling the same as I am, severely depressed, lol. Ok, so that isn't funny, but it is funny that both of us are feeling so shitty at the same time. Well, I can see the amusing side of it anyway. He said to me that he cares for me and that once he is, shall I say 'recovered', we will try again. ok. Doesn't help my depression, but at least I know we aren't completely over. So I shall continue to text him and if he is online, I will say 'hi'. That is all I can do for now, I suppose.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
hmmm
I just did a search and discovered that everything I have ever posted under my username is on the web to be seen. Including this blog. Not very good at being discreet, am I, lol. Well, I have nothing on here that I would want to hide anyway, if someone was looking. And if they read something they didn't like I would hope they would discuss it with me. Unless it is X, and then he deserves every bit of angry blog posting I ever wrote.
oh, and...
I suck at not texting my boyfriend, lol. But he isn't texting me and that is adding to my pain. I wonder if it is over?
and yet....
while I face my pain I can stop and celebrate my toddler doing his first number 2 on the toilet - he asked to be taken. This is a BIG moment!
I guess at some point it was going to catch me
I have prided myself on my strength in the face of things that would bring any other person to their knees.
But now...
The depression that I have kept at bay for about 7 years has finally caught back up with me again. Only once before has it affected me badly, when I lost a baby. I got pregnant when No.2 was just four months old and I carried that baby for 5 months before we discovered it had died. I had to go into hospital and give birth because my body wasn't rejecting the fetus, so I didn't have a late term miscarriage. X was there, but not there. In the room, but not by my side. This loss was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage the first time around, well, not the loss exactly, but the lack of support from X, the inability for either of us to communicate to each other how we were feeling.
I descended in to a black hole for about 3 months. I was not good to be around, I was angry, and suffering and I took it out on everyone around me, but only inside the home. Outside the home I was what everyone expected to see. I had my mask and I wore it. I never saw a counsellor, never saw a Dr, I used to look at trucks and think about turning the wheel just enough to...well, it doesn't need to be said. I pulled myself out of it, just one day I woke up and said 'that is enough'.
This time it is harder. This time I am dealing with the failure of my marriage, a move, juggling fulltime work and raising a family, trying to develop a relationship with someone who lives two hours away. I am hurting inside, so much that I am struggling to hide it.
I had an appointment to see a Dr today, for contraception, but while I was driving there I was sobbing and trying to hold myself together. I decided to speak up, to say that I needed help. I was heard. I am having an assessment done next Tuesday and will be referred to a psychologist if needed. I think I need it. I am feeling like I want to pack in my relationship, my job, my life. I am feeling like I want to lie in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I am feeling like I just want to cry all the time. I am holding myself together for now, when I feel the blackness creeping up I take deep breaths and try to calm down just enough to keep going.
I don't want to feel like this.
But now...
The depression that I have kept at bay for about 7 years has finally caught back up with me again. Only once before has it affected me badly, when I lost a baby. I got pregnant when No.2 was just four months old and I carried that baby for 5 months before we discovered it had died. I had to go into hospital and give birth because my body wasn't rejecting the fetus, so I didn't have a late term miscarriage. X was there, but not there. In the room, but not by my side. This loss was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage the first time around, well, not the loss exactly, but the lack of support from X, the inability for either of us to communicate to each other how we were feeling.
I descended in to a black hole for about 3 months. I was not good to be around, I was angry, and suffering and I took it out on everyone around me, but only inside the home. Outside the home I was what everyone expected to see. I had my mask and I wore it. I never saw a counsellor, never saw a Dr, I used to look at trucks and think about turning the wheel just enough to...well, it doesn't need to be said. I pulled myself out of it, just one day I woke up and said 'that is enough'.
This time it is harder. This time I am dealing with the failure of my marriage, a move, juggling fulltime work and raising a family, trying to develop a relationship with someone who lives two hours away. I am hurting inside, so much that I am struggling to hide it.
I had an appointment to see a Dr today, for contraception, but while I was driving there I was sobbing and trying to hold myself together. I decided to speak up, to say that I needed help. I was heard. I am having an assessment done next Tuesday and will be referred to a psychologist if needed. I think I need it. I am feeling like I want to pack in my relationship, my job, my life. I am feeling like I want to lie in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I am feeling like I just want to cry all the time. I am holding myself together for now, when I feel the blackness creeping up I take deep breaths and try to calm down just enough to keep going.
I don't want to feel like this.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Lured by the unpacking
I ended up being lured back in to the unpacking last night by the thought that the more I got done yesterday, the less I would have to do today. I got a fair few of the boxes in the boys room emptied. I also began sorting through my sewing supplies, and subsequently realised that it is this stuff, and not the boxes of books, that is the main culprit as far as hoarding and taking up too much space goes.
So today I have sorted through my six large containers of fabric, and a number of small boxes of general supplies and will be sending quite alot in the direction of the bin and the op shop. I am aware that I haven't been making alot of time for sewing in the past, and now that I don't have the boys all the time I think maybe I should get back into it again. I have two quilts I would like to complete, one is a basic block one that will go over the back of the lounge, and another is a bargello one that is intended for my bed. Neither of these will take long to complete once I get started, it is the getting started bit I need to tackle, lol. Plus I need to set my sewing machine back up. hmmm, I can feel myself beginning to procrastinate, lol.
I also spent a large chunk of my day sorting out my photo albums. Yes, I own those archaic items of the 90's, lol. I have alot of pics of myself and my first two boys in albums (all these pics seem to be pre 2005), but very badly mixed up in terms of timeline, so I began sorting them out. It was interesting to note that I have almost no photos of my toddler in hard copy, something I think I will remedy in the near future along with a general update of the boys photos too. The best part of this project has been looking back at what we did in our lives and remembering what I have acheived as I went along.
These boys have been such a major part of my life through all the upheavals and decision-making that has gone on, and they have weathered it and come out beautiful so far. I look at Scott's baby photos, and of him now as an almost teen and just am awed by his growth, both physically and mentally. He is such a great kid, and so different from his brother Will. Will hasn't changed so much, he is still just a young boy, something that I occasionally forget because he can be so damn smart sometimes, and have the most interesting things to talk about. He and I were discussing Lambourghini's versus a Koenigsegg's the other day, mostly focussing on speed. Even after I showed him a pic of a Koenigsegg I couldn't convince him to choose that over the Lambourghini, lol. He got his info from Need for Speed, lol, I guess games teach them something! Will is very interested in spy games and has a remarkable imagination. He reminds me of me at the same age, but in a boy version. I had/have an overactive imagination, but my attention was on wizards and dragons, fairies, and prince charmings, whereas his is on spies and killing and dragons and adventure. Such a typical boy, lol. I look forward to watching him grow up.
So today I have sorted through my six large containers of fabric, and a number of small boxes of general supplies and will be sending quite alot in the direction of the bin and the op shop. I am aware that I haven't been making alot of time for sewing in the past, and now that I don't have the boys all the time I think maybe I should get back into it again. I have two quilts I would like to complete, one is a basic block one that will go over the back of the lounge, and another is a bargello one that is intended for my bed. Neither of these will take long to complete once I get started, it is the getting started bit I need to tackle, lol. Plus I need to set my sewing machine back up. hmmm, I can feel myself beginning to procrastinate, lol.
I also spent a large chunk of my day sorting out my photo albums. Yes, I own those archaic items of the 90's, lol. I have alot of pics of myself and my first two boys in albums (all these pics seem to be pre 2005), but very badly mixed up in terms of timeline, so I began sorting them out. It was interesting to note that I have almost no photos of my toddler in hard copy, something I think I will remedy in the near future along with a general update of the boys photos too. The best part of this project has been looking back at what we did in our lives and remembering what I have acheived as I went along.
These boys have been such a major part of my life through all the upheavals and decision-making that has gone on, and they have weathered it and come out beautiful so far. I look at Scott's baby photos, and of him now as an almost teen and just am awed by his growth, both physically and mentally. He is such a great kid, and so different from his brother Will. Will hasn't changed so much, he is still just a young boy, something that I occasionally forget because he can be so damn smart sometimes, and have the most interesting things to talk about. He and I were discussing Lambourghini's versus a Koenigsegg's the other day, mostly focussing on speed. Even after I showed him a pic of a Koenigsegg I couldn't convince him to choose that over the Lambourghini, lol. He got his info from Need for Speed, lol, I guess games teach them something! Will is very interested in spy games and has a remarkable imagination. He reminds me of me at the same age, but in a boy version. I had/have an overactive imagination, but my attention was on wizards and dragons, fairies, and prince charmings, whereas his is on spies and killing and dragons and adventure. Such a typical boy, lol. I look forward to watching him grow up.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
I think I did the right thing
Well, I think I did the right thing by stepping back. I hadn't heard from him since yesterday morning, so by tonight I was imagining the worst, lol, then trying to convince myself, based on our last interaction, that I was wrong.
We finally talked tonight and it turns out that his whole week has been absolutely crappy, that he has been feeling really down about his money situation, and feeling like our secure financial future together is a pipe dream. So he hasn't wanted to talk to anyone. He told me how much he appreciated me not sending numerous texts, as he put it 'it would have sent me insane'. PHEW!
Pat on the back for me, lol. It has been sooo hard not to text him, but I did it, and now have the satisfaction of knowing it was the right thing to do, especially at this point in time. So I shall continue.
Something else I need to do is remind myself that he also had a life before I came along, some of which is very important to him. Sometimes I can act very immature, and selfish. He was supposed to go to a car meet this weekend, and when he told me about it last week, I got a little sooky. He said he wouldn't go, but then the money issue happened, so he wasn't coming to see me either (and that I did sook at, badly, and now I am ashamed of my behaviour).
But my backing off gave me a chance to reflect and think. The car meet was clearly important to him, it was something he had organised, it involved alot of people he had known for a long time, and he was now missing out on it.
So when I heard from him today I sent him a message saying that I hoped his weekend had improved and I hoped he had found a way to go to the meet. He had, he is getting a lift up, instead of taking his own car. I then said that I was really pleased to hear he was going, and that he deserved it after his crap week, in reply he sent me a smiley and told me he should be back to normal in the next day or so. I am genuinely glad that he is going. I am glad that we are having a long distance relationship as it is stopping us from consuming each other's lives
So I will continue to repeat to myself 'I am a gorgeous, successful woman, with a great job and lovely kids'. I will walk tall and be proud of who I am. For so long I have let myself be satisfied with settling for something, usually second best. I am changing, developing, refinding myself.
My dance classes are part of my development process. I did ballroom dancing as a child and loved it and have always wanted to go back to it. Well, now I have, and while I am not very good, I do try and I love the feeling I get when I finally 'get' the steps I am suppsed to be doing (mind you, I thin I will be signing up for the beginners course again, sooo not ready for intermediate, lol). Also, getting my bike license is part of my change. It is another thing I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember, and in a couple of weeks I will be going to do my pre-learners course. yay!
Did a stack of unpacking today and rearranged my bedroom. The place is really coming together now. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed shortly. My tiredness is not helped by toddler coming in at 6am to wake me, precious child. We were at the park by 7am, lol, just for an hour. I hung upsidedown on the monkey bars for the first time in years, lol, been awhile since I could lift my body weight enough to do that!
Oh, I have lost 9kgs in as many weeks. So my loss has slowed to a healthy range and I am feeling very good about myself and my progress. I have decided to aim to lose another 15kgs max. Mind you, I will reassess my body with each 5kgs lost. I would like to remain curvy. I have dropped a full dress size now, it is so nice to fit into so much of my clothing, lol. Had to buy new jeans though, because the ones I had kept falling off, literally! And my work clothes! They are so expensive that I have asked mum to take my 7 week old pants in for me in the not too distant future cos I can't afford to buy new ones! I can nearly pull them off without undoing them, and when I bought them they were a firm fit! lol. One of my colleagues is going to bring in some of her work uniform pieces that she no longer fits in to, I am hoping they will tide me over.
We finally talked tonight and it turns out that his whole week has been absolutely crappy, that he has been feeling really down about his money situation, and feeling like our secure financial future together is a pipe dream. So he hasn't wanted to talk to anyone. He told me how much he appreciated me not sending numerous texts, as he put it 'it would have sent me insane'. PHEW!
Pat on the back for me, lol. It has been sooo hard not to text him, but I did it, and now have the satisfaction of knowing it was the right thing to do, especially at this point in time. So I shall continue.
Something else I need to do is remind myself that he also had a life before I came along, some of which is very important to him. Sometimes I can act very immature, and selfish. He was supposed to go to a car meet this weekend, and when he told me about it last week, I got a little sooky. He said he wouldn't go, but then the money issue happened, so he wasn't coming to see me either (and that I did sook at, badly, and now I am ashamed of my behaviour).
But my backing off gave me a chance to reflect and think. The car meet was clearly important to him, it was something he had organised, it involved alot of people he had known for a long time, and he was now missing out on it.
So when I heard from him today I sent him a message saying that I hoped his weekend had improved and I hoped he had found a way to go to the meet. He had, he is getting a lift up, instead of taking his own car. I then said that I was really pleased to hear he was going, and that he deserved it after his crap week, in reply he sent me a smiley and told me he should be back to normal in the next day or so. I am genuinely glad that he is going. I am glad that we are having a long distance relationship as it is stopping us from consuming each other's lives
So I will continue to repeat to myself 'I am a gorgeous, successful woman, with a great job and lovely kids'. I will walk tall and be proud of who I am. For so long I have let myself be satisfied with settling for something, usually second best. I am changing, developing, refinding myself.
My dance classes are part of my development process. I did ballroom dancing as a child and loved it and have always wanted to go back to it. Well, now I have, and while I am not very good, I do try and I love the feeling I get when I finally 'get' the steps I am suppsed to be doing (mind you, I thin I will be signing up for the beginners course again, sooo not ready for intermediate, lol). Also, getting my bike license is part of my change. It is another thing I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember, and in a couple of weeks I will be going to do my pre-learners course. yay!
Did a stack of unpacking today and rearranged my bedroom. The place is really coming together now. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed shortly. My tiredness is not helped by toddler coming in at 6am to wake me, precious child. We were at the park by 7am, lol, just for an hour. I hung upsidedown on the monkey bars for the first time in years, lol, been awhile since I could lift my body weight enough to do that!
Oh, I have lost 9kgs in as many weeks. So my loss has slowed to a healthy range and I am feeling very good about myself and my progress. I have decided to aim to lose another 15kgs max. Mind you, I will reassess my body with each 5kgs lost. I would like to remain curvy. I have dropped a full dress size now, it is so nice to fit into so much of my clothing, lol. Had to buy new jeans though, because the ones I had kept falling off, literally! And my work clothes! They are so expensive that I have asked mum to take my 7 week old pants in for me in the not too distant future cos I can't afford to buy new ones! I can nearly pull them off without undoing them, and when I bought them they were a firm fit! lol. One of my colleagues is going to bring in some of her work uniform pieces that she no longer fits in to, I am hoping they will tide me over.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Following on from yesterday
So to update you further...
D hasn't really been in touch much the last couple of days, that is ok, and is part of what prompted me to step back. Well, yesterday I had sent him just one text, it said
'Thanks to you I now have some awesome new music on my mp3'
That is it, that is all I sent all day. This was actually really hard for me, lol. Other than that, I ignored my phone. When I was online last night, he came on at some stage, but as 'away' (when you are online but away you can still be contacted, but the person may not reply within a few minutes), well, I ignored it, kept doing what I was doing and logged off myself at 11pm.
At 12am (this is normal and ok with me, I am usually awake) he sent me a text saying
'I'm sorry for not messaging you much lately, these shifts have been really terrible. Can't wait for them to be over'.
I sent my reply a few hours later(I woke up in the middle of the night and checked the time on my phone, saw he had left a message), I replied
'I am sorry these last few days/nights have been tough for you'
That is it. I wanted to write more and I mused over what to write for a while, writing something, then deleting it, and finally deciding to leave it as simple and nonchalant as possible.
At 6.30am he wrote
'Hope you have a good day babe'
I waited ten minutes (I couldn't hold out much longer, lol) and wrote
'Thanks hun. You too'
Then I couldn't resist and an hour later sent him a photo of me ready for work sitting in the car, lol. I titled it 'hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go'.
I did not expect a reply for that one, and haven't heard from him so far today. I have made plans with the kids for the weekend, and plans for next Friday with one of my friends (we are going out drinking, lol). I am working next Saturday. He may visit me next weekend, I will wait and see.
I am reclaimng my life again, lol. I feel good about this.
D hasn't really been in touch much the last couple of days, that is ok, and is part of what prompted me to step back. Well, yesterday I had sent him just one text, it said
'Thanks to you I now have some awesome new music on my mp3'
That is it, that is all I sent all day. This was actually really hard for me, lol. Other than that, I ignored my phone. When I was online last night, he came on at some stage, but as 'away' (when you are online but away you can still be contacted, but the person may not reply within a few minutes), well, I ignored it, kept doing what I was doing and logged off myself at 11pm.
At 12am (this is normal and ok with me, I am usually awake) he sent me a text saying
'I'm sorry for not messaging you much lately, these shifts have been really terrible. Can't wait for them to be over'.
I sent my reply a few hours later(I woke up in the middle of the night and checked the time on my phone, saw he had left a message), I replied
'I am sorry these last few days/nights have been tough for you'
That is it. I wanted to write more and I mused over what to write for a while, writing something, then deleting it, and finally deciding to leave it as simple and nonchalant as possible.
At 6.30am he wrote
'Hope you have a good day babe'
I waited ten minutes (I couldn't hold out much longer, lol) and wrote
'Thanks hun. You too'
Then I couldn't resist and an hour later sent him a photo of me ready for work sitting in the car, lol. I titled it 'hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go'.
I did not expect a reply for that one, and haven't heard from him so far today. I have made plans with the kids for the weekend, and plans for next Friday with one of my friends (we are going out drinking, lol). I am working next Saturday. He may visit me next weekend, I will wait and see.
I am reclaimng my life again, lol. I feel good about this.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
so it is time to step back and review
It has been about 5 weeks since D and I met. Things have progressed nicely. I feel that I have made it a little too easy for him though, and so I have decided to take a step back. I will do this by
So now I shall sit back and see what happens. If he doesn't come forward then I will know that he has made a decision of some sort that sees him deciding that maybe what we have isn't going to last the distance (literally and figuratively, lol). It is ok. It will hurt, but I will be ok, and I will have learnt a good lesson.
- Letting him get in touch with me
- Not carrying my phone around with me everywhere in case he texts me
- When we talk on the phone I won't spend an hour talking to him, half an hour max is fine
- I won't skip my dance class again if he visits on a Thursday, missing one lesson has thrown me completely!
- I will make my kids the priority, if I have them on the weekend.
- I won't get on msn till after 9pm on weeknights, and I will be off by 11pm.
So now I shall sit back and see what happens. If he doesn't come forward then I will know that he has made a decision of some sort that sees him deciding that maybe what we have isn't going to last the distance (literally and figuratively, lol). It is ok. It will hurt, but I will be ok, and I will have learnt a good lesson.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Don't see much of X these days, just at drop off and pick up. He is being pleasant. He actually asked me when he could meet D, I told him this weekend, but things have changed and it will be another day.
I wrote and sent an email to myself from work yesterday, but it didn't turn up, lol. Basically I was chucking a little wobbly because D had texted to say he didn't have the money to come down this coming weekend, and I was a little pissed about it. So I gave him a bit of the silent treatment for a couple of hours (I was at work after all), then talked to him later about how disappointed I was. He struggles to manage his money, made worse by the fact that his pays change depending on his roster, so did not leave himself enough this fortnight to cover all his expenses, plus a couple of extras that popped up unexpectedly. But we discussed it.
He expressed to me again how important I am to him, how he wants to make sure that if we have any issues that we discuss and resolve them, that he sees a future for us if we work at making the distance as small a problem as possible. We decided that we would just do our own thing this weekend - him with his mates whom he has hardly seen since we started spending time together, and me sorting out my house, which I have been ignoring since we started seeing each other. It was a good conversation, especially since I was feeling rather emotional.
I wrote and sent an email to myself from work yesterday, but it didn't turn up, lol. Basically I was chucking a little wobbly because D had texted to say he didn't have the money to come down this coming weekend, and I was a little pissed about it. So I gave him a bit of the silent treatment for a couple of hours (I was at work after all), then talked to him later about how disappointed I was. He struggles to manage his money, made worse by the fact that his pays change depending on his roster, so did not leave himself enough this fortnight to cover all his expenses, plus a couple of extras that popped up unexpectedly. But we discussed it.
He expressed to me again how important I am to him, how he wants to make sure that if we have any issues that we discuss and resolve them, that he sees a future for us if we work at making the distance as small a problem as possible. We decided that we would just do our own thing this weekend - him with his mates whom he has hardly seen since we started spending time together, and me sorting out my house, which I have been ignoring since we started seeing each other. It was a good conversation, especially since I was feeling rather emotional.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Drove up to mum's on Friday night, spent the night there on her lounge. Heard from D in the morning and decided to head over there around 10am. Met his son. E is 7 yrs old and is alot like my No.2, so I found it fairly easy to chat to him. I watched him play the computer for a while, then he and I had a game on the PS3. Later we all went out for lunch and did a bit of shopping, then back to D's place to watch a movie and hang out. It was nice, I was pretty relaxed this time and just went with the flow. D ended up asking me to stay over again, so we went to my mums and picked up my stuff (because I hadn't assumed I would be staying, simply because E was there). D and I had a...um..nice night, lol, got to sleep around 12.30am. I was awake by 8am, but just lay there enjoying being beside him.
E came in at 9am, so we all got up then. E went over to a cousins place after breakfast, so D and I watched a movie and...um...had a nice morning LOL. I left at 1.45pm so I could get back to mum's for a quick visit before heading home. She is cool with me just popping in and out, but she did say that I looked a little sad today.
I am not loving saying goodbye to D. I am not loving the distance. I find that some days I really struggle with him being so far away, that fears raise their ugly heads and insecurities poke me in the back. I believe him when he says how much he cares for me, and I don't doubt how much I care for him, but it is still a struggle.
We have discussed the possibility of having more children, and neither of us are really keen on the idea. I used to be clucky, but it has passed and I reconciled myself to no more kids before I met D. He brought the subject up, he has a fertility issue and never expected to have the son he has, he wanted to tell me about it. I really did not mind. I love working, I love my kids, his son is another son for me if we get that far, so, you know, it is fine. I remember how badly I wanted another child with X, but it didn't happen and now I am so glad. Mind you, I still love having a snuggle with babies, but it really is lovely to be able to give them back. I am still looking forward to having grandkids one day.
My mum is very big on Feng Shui at the moment. It gives us something to talk about, lol.
I feel sick. And I have put on a kilo in the last week. I have been feeling really hungry, so have been eating more than usual, and not necessarily good stuff. I need to stop or I will undo all my good work.
E came in at 9am, so we all got up then. E went over to a cousins place after breakfast, so D and I watched a movie and...um...had a nice morning LOL. I left at 1.45pm so I could get back to mum's for a quick visit before heading home. She is cool with me just popping in and out, but she did say that I looked a little sad today.
I am not loving saying goodbye to D. I am not loving the distance. I find that some days I really struggle with him being so far away, that fears raise their ugly heads and insecurities poke me in the back. I believe him when he says how much he cares for me, and I don't doubt how much I care for him, but it is still a struggle.
We have discussed the possibility of having more children, and neither of us are really keen on the idea. I used to be clucky, but it has passed and I reconciled myself to no more kids before I met D. He brought the subject up, he has a fertility issue and never expected to have the son he has, he wanted to tell me about it. I really did not mind. I love working, I love my kids, his son is another son for me if we get that far, so, you know, it is fine. I remember how badly I wanted another child with X, but it didn't happen and now I am so glad. Mind you, I still love having a snuggle with babies, but it really is lovely to be able to give them back. I am still looking forward to having grandkids one day.
My mum is very big on Feng Shui at the moment. It gives us something to talk about, lol.
I feel sick. And I have put on a kilo in the last week. I have been feeling really hungry, so have been eating more than usual, and not necessarily good stuff. I need to stop or I will undo all my good work.
Monday, November 10, 2008
learning curve
So, well, it has been a few days ssince X found out that I was dating someone. He questioned me about how long I had been seeing him for, how soon after he and I had split, etc. He got cranky about me having the boys next weekend to go and meet D's son, since he feels that the only quality time he gets with them is on the weekend (hahahahaha, his idea of quality time hasn't changed, as long as they are in the same house together it is quality time to X). So I backed off on that one, since the boys can always meet D's son another time. I actually prefer the first meeting to be just me, looks like we might go bowling after we have a picnic.
Anyway, X has settled down a bit. Big news for him though, he was offered a posting on a ship for a year and he took it, this was before he found out about D (the same day). He was annoyed about it after he found out about D and how far away D lives, because he got all worried that I was going to move. I told him that I was considering moving in 12 months time, and that it was early days between me and D anyway. That seemed to appease him for the moment. He has since said that we need to discuss it further.
Met D's parents and his brother on Saturday. They all seem nice, fairly basic people. His mum chatted to me about her different activities and interests and his bro and I had a good laugh over a few things. His dad didn't say much at all. I took a slice that I had baked with me and that seemed to make a good impression, so much so that I was allowed to stay the night, lol. D and I were watching tv on his bed when he said 'I think I might ask mum if you can stay the night', lol, so cute. So he did, and I was allowed.
The afternoon with D wasn't quite what I had expected. I had gone thinking I would get lots of kisses and cuddles and maybe a bit of mucking around, but we just hung out on the bed watching tv. I talked to D about it later and he said that on his last day off work he really likes to just veg out, and that kisses and cuddles are nice, but not what he was in the mood for. Is all good, I am certainly still learning about him. It was nice to sleep beside him in his bed though, to hold and be held as we rested. Bloody cat fell in love with me though and after we kicked him out he kept banging on the door, lol. We got up at 4.30am so he could get ready for work, then left together, me to go to mums for a few hours, and D to work. I met up with him at his work for lunch, then headed home.
On the way home I spent some time thinking about how I had expectations. I really need to get rid of my habit of having expectations. It has been damaging in the past, and it could be damaging now if I don't stop it.
I realised that we have started moving past the initial infatuation stage, that we have established the fact we like each other to the point of being able to say 'love', that we both want to work on the long term aspect. So now it is time to be a friend. I googled 'spouse as a friend' because I am not familiar with being friends with a man. The results were what I expected though - treat the person as you would want to be treated, communicate, be honest, be there if you can, acceptance of the person as a whole package, etc, etc. So this is where I am at now. It is not going to be easy, but the best things in life are usually rewards for hard work, so there you go.
I don't think I will see D till Saturday, he has bills to pay and is working till Thursday, so it seems a bit pointless him coming down. I have left it up to him.
Anyway, X has settled down a bit. Big news for him though, he was offered a posting on a ship for a year and he took it, this was before he found out about D (the same day). He was annoyed about it after he found out about D and how far away D lives, because he got all worried that I was going to move. I told him that I was considering moving in 12 months time, and that it was early days between me and D anyway. That seemed to appease him for the moment. He has since said that we need to discuss it further.
Met D's parents and his brother on Saturday. They all seem nice, fairly basic people. His mum chatted to me about her different activities and interests and his bro and I had a good laugh over a few things. His dad didn't say much at all. I took a slice that I had baked with me and that seemed to make a good impression, so much so that I was allowed to stay the night, lol. D and I were watching tv on his bed when he said 'I think I might ask mum if you can stay the night', lol, so cute. So he did, and I was allowed.
The afternoon with D wasn't quite what I had expected. I had gone thinking I would get lots of kisses and cuddles and maybe a bit of mucking around, but we just hung out on the bed watching tv. I talked to D about it later and he said that on his last day off work he really likes to just veg out, and that kisses and cuddles are nice, but not what he was in the mood for. Is all good, I am certainly still learning about him. It was nice to sleep beside him in his bed though, to hold and be held as we rested. Bloody cat fell in love with me though and after we kicked him out he kept banging on the door, lol. We got up at 4.30am so he could get ready for work, then left together, me to go to mums for a few hours, and D to work. I met up with him at his work for lunch, then headed home.
On the way home I spent some time thinking about how I had expectations. I really need to get rid of my habit of having expectations. It has been damaging in the past, and it could be damaging now if I don't stop it.
I realised that we have started moving past the initial infatuation stage, that we have established the fact we like each other to the point of being able to say 'love', that we both want to work on the long term aspect. So now it is time to be a friend. I googled 'spouse as a friend' because I am not familiar with being friends with a man. The results were what I expected though - treat the person as you would want to be treated, communicate, be honest, be there if you can, acceptance of the person as a whole package, etc, etc. So this is where I am at now. It is not going to be easy, but the best things in life are usually rewards for hard work, so there you go.
I don't think I will see D till Saturday, he has bills to pay and is working till Thursday, so it seems a bit pointless him coming down. I have left it up to him.
Friday, November 7, 2008
the proverbial hit the fan
Heading to bed soon, but just wanted to jump on and post a brief outline of the goings on of this week.
D stayed over Wednesday night. None of your business how absolutely awesome that was, ok?!
No.2 mentioned something to X....the proverbial hit the fan. Picked up the kids and was insulted for the next ten minutes, because X freaked out at me having a strange man in the house. Stopped when I told him that the boys had met him before hand, on a separate occasion. There is more, but I am tired and my head is not working very well. Had a crap day today and just want to go to bed. X did email and apologise for his rudeness, will write more on Sunday.
Going to meet the parents tomorrow. Very nervous.
D stayed over Wednesday night. None of your business how absolutely awesome that was, ok?!
No.2 mentioned something to X....the proverbial hit the fan. Picked up the kids and was insulted for the next ten minutes, because X freaked out at me having a strange man in the house. Stopped when I told him that the boys had met him before hand, on a separate occasion. There is more, but I am tired and my head is not working very well. Had a crap day today and just want to go to bed. X did email and apologise for his rudeness, will write more on Sunday.
Going to meet the parents tomorrow. Very nervous.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Sometimes you are faced with too much honesty
Still tired after staying up till 1am talking to D online. So easy for time to pass when we are chatting.
Our discussion was....difficult. D wanted to talk to me about his history with women. This came up because we were talking about trust, seeing as we are working on creating a long distance relationship that is going to last. D started to spill on what had happened to him in the past, and what he had done himself. He is no innocent, not like me with my two partners, lol. But he has been used and abused and kicked while he was down, then gotten back up and taken it again. And he has done his fair share of hurting. But through it all he was saying that he had not felt good about it, that he had been hurting and saw this as a way of getting his own back.
Ultimately he said that he has dealt with his past. That in me he believes he has found his soul mate. That he does not question my honesty in any way, even though others might because of my living situation when D and I met. He spilled his guts to the ground in what he told me, he wanted to tell me so much more than I wanted to hear and I had to make him stop. I could not hear it all. I have my own insecurities to deal with and his desire to share was making me uncomfortable, I told him this and he settled down. I appreciate his eagerness to be completely honest, even if it made me uncomfortable.
I have to say that having a primarily online relationship is not a bad thing when it comes to being honest. You can type what you want to say and edit it if needed, you can think about your reply without having the other person scrutinising your body language. You can read something and react to it, but the other person does not see your reaction, and so you are faced with the decision of how you are going to handle the information.
In my case, when it got too much, I said Stop, and he did. If D and I had been having this conversation in person I think he would have held back alot more because he would have seen my discomfort. Now I have had the chance to process what he has told me, I have chewed it over, so to speak. I can look at it and say, 'well, does this change how I think of him? Can I live with this information, will it affect me? How do I plan to handle my own emotions during times when we fight, will I bring this up and use it against him?' What I would like is to forget what he told me. Too late now, lol.
But I can take the point of view that his past choices are exactly that, in the past, and that what is ahead of us is something more than what is behind.
Our discussion was....difficult. D wanted to talk to me about his history with women. This came up because we were talking about trust, seeing as we are working on creating a long distance relationship that is going to last. D started to spill on what had happened to him in the past, and what he had done himself. He is no innocent, not like me with my two partners, lol. But he has been used and abused and kicked while he was down, then gotten back up and taken it again. And he has done his fair share of hurting. But through it all he was saying that he had not felt good about it, that he had been hurting and saw this as a way of getting his own back.
Ultimately he said that he has dealt with his past. That in me he believes he has found his soul mate. That he does not question my honesty in any way, even though others might because of my living situation when D and I met. He spilled his guts to the ground in what he told me, he wanted to tell me so much more than I wanted to hear and I had to make him stop. I could not hear it all. I have my own insecurities to deal with and his desire to share was making me uncomfortable, I told him this and he settled down. I appreciate his eagerness to be completely honest, even if it made me uncomfortable.
I have to say that having a primarily online relationship is not a bad thing when it comes to being honest. You can type what you want to say and edit it if needed, you can think about your reply without having the other person scrutinising your body language. You can read something and react to it, but the other person does not see your reaction, and so you are faced with the decision of how you are going to handle the information.
In my case, when it got too much, I said Stop, and he did. If D and I had been having this conversation in person I think he would have held back alot more because he would have seen my discomfort. Now I have had the chance to process what he has told me, I have chewed it over, so to speak. I can look at it and say, 'well, does this change how I think of him? Can I live with this information, will it affect me? How do I plan to handle my own emotions during times when we fight, will I bring this up and use it against him?' What I would like is to forget what he told me. Too late now, lol.
But I can take the point of view that his past choices are exactly that, in the past, and that what is ahead of us is something more than what is behind.
Monday, November 3, 2008
tired
yeh, just a bit wiped out. Was up till about 1.30am, fiddling with the computer, downloading music and then listening to it. I am loving Lifehouse right now. It really gets to me.
Music speaks to my soul. Some songs just strike a chord, lol and I find myself listening to them over and over until I know all the words. I imagine different scenarios to go with music sometimes.
For example, if I can ever be convinced to walk down the aisle again, it will be to Pachabel's Canon. I didn't have music at all at my wedding. My first dance with my new husband will be to Lifehouse's 'Everything' (providing the lucky man is capable of dancing, lol, the last one wasn't, so I have never danced a first dance). Another example is the music I would have played at my funeral. At least one song would by Linkin Park's 'What I've Done', another would be 'She's Every Woman' by Garth Brooks. Might have to throw in something form the Priscilla Queen of the Desert soundtrack just for fun. Or maybe Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, LOL.
I think about stuff like this when I am driving. I retreat in to myself and my imagination runs away with me.
On a completely different note...
why is it so goddamn hard for people to use their blinkers? I was driving behind a woman today who kept bouncing on and off her brakes, and had no idea where the blinker was. Grrrrrr
My eldest son is getting detentions at the moment, for not completing work, not participating, being disruptive, that sort of thing. Is this the change? Is he becoming 'evil teen'? Or is he more affected by the move than I expected? He has a tendency to blame his mates for any disruptiveness that he gets blamed for, and so I give him the talk about taking responsibility for your own behaviour, blah blah blah. That's about how much notice he seems to take too. sigh...
I am cooking dinner while I blog. I miss my gas stove. I am using an electric stove again, the back right element doesn't work at all, and the back left only works on high. I tend to use back elements because of the kids, safety first and all that, lol, so it is annoying me that I can't really use these elements at the moment. Ah well.
Music speaks to my soul. Some songs just strike a chord, lol and I find myself listening to them over and over until I know all the words. I imagine different scenarios to go with music sometimes.
For example, if I can ever be convinced to walk down the aisle again, it will be to Pachabel's Canon. I didn't have music at all at my wedding. My first dance with my new husband will be to Lifehouse's 'Everything' (providing the lucky man is capable of dancing, lol, the last one wasn't, so I have never danced a first dance). Another example is the music I would have played at my funeral. At least one song would by Linkin Park's 'What I've Done', another would be 'She's Every Woman' by Garth Brooks. Might have to throw in something form the Priscilla Queen of the Desert soundtrack just for fun. Or maybe Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, LOL.
I think about stuff like this when I am driving. I retreat in to myself and my imagination runs away with me.
On a completely different note...
why is it so goddamn hard for people to use their blinkers? I was driving behind a woman today who kept bouncing on and off her brakes, and had no idea where the blinker was. Grrrrrr
My eldest son is getting detentions at the moment, for not completing work, not participating, being disruptive, that sort of thing. Is this the change? Is he becoming 'evil teen'? Or is he more affected by the move than I expected? He has a tendency to blame his mates for any disruptiveness that he gets blamed for, and so I give him the talk about taking responsibility for your own behaviour, blah blah blah. That's about how much notice he seems to take too. sigh...
I am cooking dinner while I blog. I miss my gas stove. I am using an electric stove again, the back right element doesn't work at all, and the back left only works on high. I tend to use back elements because of the kids, safety first and all that, lol, so it is annoying me that I can't really use these elements at the moment. Ah well.
One giant leap
Is what I want to take. I am falling for this man. After three weeks of talking and talking I am yet to find something that I don't like, or that makes me say 'woah, hang on, that's not ok'. Even in person we still click, it is magic.
Do I dare?
I know how he feels. He is, lol, smitten, head over heels, swept away. I am attracted to his mind and his body, I feel the flame that burns when we are together. I want him badly, on so many levels. I am overwhelmed at times by what I have begun to feel.
But do I dare?
Do I dare to give my heart away, when I actually think he has already stolen it. Do I let it go without a fight and embrace the magic that I can feel between us.
Do I dare?
There is the fear that this will burn out. But we get each other. So many times it is like my own head is speaking when he talks to me. I can see that we have the potential to make an awesome team.
But do I dare?
My commitment? Would be to move to him, to his home town, in the future. I have family there, it would not be a bad thing. I have concerns for X, his possible reaction, his resulting difficulty in getting to see the kids. These are things I battle with in my head. Do I do what I want?
Do I dare?
Do I dare?
I know how he feels. He is, lol, smitten, head over heels, swept away. I am attracted to his mind and his body, I feel the flame that burns when we are together. I want him badly, on so many levels. I am overwhelmed at times by what I have begun to feel.
But do I dare?
Do I dare to give my heart away, when I actually think he has already stolen it. Do I let it go without a fight and embrace the magic that I can feel between us.
Do I dare?
There is the fear that this will burn out. But we get each other. So many times it is like my own head is speaking when he talks to me. I can see that we have the potential to make an awesome team.
But do I dare?
My commitment? Would be to move to him, to his home town, in the future. I have family there, it would not be a bad thing. I have concerns for X, his possible reaction, his resulting difficulty in getting to see the kids. These are things I battle with in my head. Do I do what I want?
Do I dare?
Saturday, November 1, 2008
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