Time to tighten the Belt

I fell badly on my first night at Roller Derby and sprained my ankle, well I think I sprained it, since I have never done that before I am not sure what it looks like. I still have bruising and swelling 5 days later, so damage was done anyway. Was pretty annoyed because I had been skating quite well for an hour and was just trying to get out of the way of the more experienced skaters. No exercise at all since Friday night.



Having a funny kind of day today. Feeling emotional. I finish up at my job tomorrow, and have no feelings about that as such, but I sat and did my budget today and was horrified to find that once I finish at work my outgoing will be greater than my incoming. I said to my colleague that I have no choice but to find some work to make up the gap.

Feeling frustrated about my foot.

Feeling tired and a little lonely.

Feeling jealous.

Trying to feel a little silly so the negatives don't weigh me down.

Afraid of being bored.

Afraid that boredom will have me saying yes to things I do not really want to do, just to fill time.

Wondering how the hell I am going to keep my head above water till there is some money coming in.

Oh, don't get me wrong, bills are paid in time and rent is weeks in advance, so I have things I can fall back on if need be, but that is really for emergency situations. But I hate thinking that I may have to rely on that at some point. I like feeling financially secure.

Ok, so you could say 'cut back, surely there is stuff there that can be got rid of' - yeh, like Karate and Roller Derby and Child Care - but I can easily justify keeping all of those things.

sigh...maybe I will have to try and get some cleaning work. Good Exercise =D

Teen is in trouble at school again for misbehaviour in the classroom. What the hell do I do?

The other two boys are fine.

My birthday shortly. I will be 32. I am told I look about 25 yrs old, so that will do me for now. Having dinner with my mum and my boys and one bro on Fri, then on Sat I am having a BBQ and drinks with friends and my other two bros. Might go clubbing after, but will have to see how my ankle is.

I asked my mum to buy me a saucepan and I asked the ex-H to organise the boys to buy me a new handbag.

Happy Birthday to me.

It gets to me at times

Sometimes I am disturbed by the enquiries I have to handle in my job. Once, I had to talk to a woman who was experiencing emotional abuse, another time it was a woman whose son had died. Today it was a woman whose daughter was a young mum who had shown herself incapable of caring for her baby. The woman had taken in her grand daughter, but was now trying to make a decision about how to handle what her daughter was doing. I got off the phone and felt very very grateful I did not have a daughter.

I was a challenging teenager. I had left home by the time I was 14, to live with my older boyfriend. We had a baby together when I was 15, the baby boy died of meningitis. I had a second son, my now Teen, to the same man when I was 18, however we had gone our separate ways by the time Teen was born (my boyfriend was abusive and I had to get out).

I lost another son after No. 2 was born. I had gotten pregnant again unexpectedly, when No.2 was only a few months old, but miscarried when I was 5 months pregnant. I then lost another future baby the same year I fell pregnant with Toddler.

So the loss of children gets to me. Domestic violence cases get to me. Teen daughters who do the wrong thing by their family get to me.

I am ever grateful for the children I do have. I am thankful I had the strength to leave a man who only wanted to hurt me. I am glad that I do not have a daughter to fear for.

I have become good friends with one of my colleagues. We sit together and chat through out the day. We discuss our enquiries, assist each other with work, and share little bits of info about our family and our lives. Today at lunch she let me know that once we finish our contracts she is going into hospital for a while. I asked her why and she told me it was for depression. My heart ached for her. I would describe her as fragile. She is my age. We have lived incredibly different lives. She admires my strength and independence (I told her that it was not always a good thing to be so independent, that it is nice to lean on someone now and then). I envy her impeccable style, her freedom to travel, her life experiences have been so very different to my own.

I don't know why it is that people are so incredibly different in the way they cope with things.

I asked her if I could come and visit her in hospital, she said yes. I told her maybe I could turn up in my roller skates and do a demo for her. Or we could put her in a wheel chair and have races up and down the corridors! She laughed and I was so glad to see that smile. I shared with her my own experience of depression, I wanted her to know that I have felt the blackness, that I know how it can consume you and make you wonder why you even bother with life at all.

I miss D. Every day. I miss his smell, his touch, his smile. I think of him every day and wonder how he is. I hear from him now and then.

I do NOT miss D2.

Toddler is quite happy pottering along with his toilet training. I wish it had been this easy with No.2, mind you, it probably would have been if Ex-H and I hadn't stressed out so much about getting it 'right'. Lessons learnt hmmm.

Teen got into a fight the other day (it consisted of one punch each, the end, lol). Apparently the kid had been giving Teen a hard time and Teen bopped him one. I was ok with the whole thing, it sounds like it was justified and it did not get out of control.

No.2 has discovered Harry Potter books and has read 3 of them in 4 weeks. I am incredibly impressed.

My bro's have pretty much moved out of mum's place, in that they are not staying there anymore, but their gear is still there for now. They are going to share a place together and are moving into it next week.

I love music.

Went out clubbing with one of my bro's on the weekend. I danced non-stop for 3 hours, with my bro and one of his mates and a girl friend. I loved the music mostly, but they played one song 4 times, possibly they hoped everyone was drunk enough not to notice. I wasn't really drinking, so I noticed and was annoyed by it. I was exhausted by the time I got home (3am), but only had a couple of hours sleep before getting up and pottering around for the day. I felt ok, I was more tired the next day after I had had a decent nights sleep. My feet and knees hurt badly though, I blame that on my gorgeous high-heeled calf high boots, and I daresay I will suffer again.

me ready to go out...yes, my hair IS in piggy tails :-)

It is my birthday in a couple of weeks and I am having a bit of a party here at home. Should be fun.

Starting Roller Derby this Friday. Very excited about it. Training is twice a week. So between that and Karate and Softball (I sign up for that tomorrow) I will be doing a sport 5 days a week (Karate training is once a week, Roller Derby is twice, Softball is once, plus one game). I think I will lose about 10kgs by Xmas.

I have had better days

The weekend was as busy as I expected it to be. I did not get the lawn mowed and my friend did not come over, but that was just as well cos I was pretty flat out. I got some lovely gardening done, got some veges into my back garden and weeded my front garden and got some mulch down. A bro and I painted the room at mum's and got it completely finished, so we were pretty happy about that. Next week I think we will be ripping up the carpet and replacing it with lino.

Had an unsettling dream last night. I was dreaming that I had gone back to high school and was studying maths and science but for some reason I had never started studying english or geography or history and all of a sudden exams were about to start and someone told me I should have been studying those other subjects. In the dream I was freaking out because I was afraid I was going to fail. I woke up before any thing was resolved and sat there considering how much I fear failure.

I do not like to fail. It is something that has come up for me before but I do not usually dream about it. I don't know why it has come up now. I am not happy about not being awesome at my job, but I don't love it anyway. I don't love that I am single, but I understand now why it is better that I am, at least for now. But I have not failed at these things. I don't know what to think. Maybe God just wants me to be aware of my fear.

I got the contraceptive implant in last week. It hurt alot after the local anaesthetic wore off. Why did I have it done? Well, I am over being on the Pill when I am not getting any sex, why would I want to remember to take a pill that is wasted on me. Plus I was getting a bit of discomfit with it. The implant is 3 yrs of contraception, so regardless of what happens I am safe from getting pregnant for that amount of time. I would prefer to be protected than not. The Doc told me that one of the side effects was increased chance of depression or mood swings. I was a bit concerned about that because I already susceptible, but after a week I am feeling fine, better than when I was on the Pill.

Oh, I had blood tests done last week too, because I am so damn tired all the time. It turns out I am very low in Vit B12. So I am back on my B Vit Supplements, which I have been taking off and on for the last year. I also boiled some eggs and will eat them with my lunch. I do not drink milk, it makes me feel yucky, but I am happy to eat meat. Probably should eat liver but that stuff is disgusting. My cholesterol is also too high, I need to stop eating so much chocolate.

Rang mum up today to ask to borrow her lawn mower. She started crying while we were talking because one of my bro's, who lives at home, has been giving her a hard time. We all think he should move out. Mum said he won't move out until she has paid him back some money she owes him. I offered to lend her the money to pay him back and as I made that offer I felt like crying. It is coming from money I am saving to buy a house. It is the third time I have tried to build up a nest egg and it seems like every time I get a bit of money together, something important comes up and I have to use some or all of it. So I was feeling a bit upset about that, but still made the offer because my bro needs to move out. My mum is really unwell and he is being a shit. I am worried she won't make it to Christmas if he stays. I know she will pay me back when she can.

I have put in a uni application. I have applied to do a Teaching degree that will allow me to teach 0-12 yr olds and also work as a teacher-librarian. It is about 4 yrs of study, but it will give me added quals and will enable me to be around for the kids and mum. No idea if I will work between now and when the course starts, guess I am just playing it by ear.

D2 posted recently that he was going on a date. I messaged him and told him I was happy for him, which I genuinely am. The day after the date he posted on his Facebook that he has never been happier. I felt incredibly insulted by that remark. Just 3 weeks ago he was professing his undying love for me, and now...now he has never been happier. WTF? I am not even remotely jealous, just insulted. I discussed it with a friend today, because I wondered if it was ok for me to feel that way, and she said it was and told me that he sounded very immature. She had a point. He was dating me only a couple of weeks after his marriage fell apart. I think he must be one of those guys who can't handle being alone.

Pffft...what weekend?

I have not had time to go back to my quilt yet, or purchase the border fabric. I had thought maybe this weekend, but my originally quiet weekend has exploded.

Friday night I am going out with some of the girls from work. Then on Sat I am going to my first Karate lesson. I signed myself and the older two boys up for it last Sat. They went for their first try on Wednesday and thoroughly enjoyed themselves. I am going on Sat because all the boys are away with their dad, then I will start going on a Wed with the older two and will get a bro to babysit. On Sat afternoon I am going to the movies with a bro. Sunday it looks as tho I will be painting a room for my mum, and then heading off to get the boys.

Somewhere in there I also need to mow my lawn and do some gardening, and there is a possibility a friend from Sydney might be coming for a visit. Hmmm, somehow I do not think I will be getting a sleep in this weekend.

I have sort of decided that once this contract finishes, if I do not get another extension, I won't actively seek work for a little while. I will have to budget carefully. I feel like I need to be around more for the kids.