D.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.
Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
update
On Saturday 25th April I enjoyed my first night in my new home. I could hear no sirens and barely any traffic. It was great to be back in my own bed again. I was really over being at mum's house, it was very crowded and she has alot of stuff, so on top of being people crowded I also felt very cluttered and like I was tripping over stuff all the time. So I left and felt much better for it.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Not looking good
Mum suffered an Aortic Dissection
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec03/ch035/ch035c.html
Surgery is not an option and medication is not helping her. She has been awake and alert most of the time, but gets tired very very quickly. The doctors cannot get her blood pressure stabilised and each time it goes crazy it does more damage to her insides. Mum is confident, I am not. She says 'when she gets out of hospital', I say 'if'.
If she gets out of hospital her life will be controlled by her blood pressure machine and medication and her independence will be reduced greatly. All of us will find this challenging.
Today is the day I leave Sydney as my home.
http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec03/ch035/ch035c.html
Surgery is not an option and medication is not helping her. She has been awake and alert most of the time, but gets tired very very quickly. The doctors cannot get her blood pressure stabilised and each time it goes crazy it does more damage to her insides. Mum is confident, I am not. She says 'when she gets out of hospital', I say 'if'.
If she gets out of hospital her life will be controlled by her blood pressure machine and medication and her independence will be reduced greatly. All of us will find this challenging.
Today is the day I leave Sydney as my home.
Monday, April 13, 2009
crap crap crap
got a call tonight to say my mum is in intensive care. Apparently she came banging on my bro's bedroom door, doubled over in pain. He got the neighbour to take them to the hospital and they discovered she has a tear in a vein that runs from her heart to her leg.
Needless to say, I am freaking out a little and feel emotionally screwed up. I also feel useless, my bro says there is no need for me to be up there at this stage cos she will be in hospital for a few days, but I still feel like I should be doing something. Plus I want to talk to her myself, but she is all doped up on morphine for the pain.
This is not even something related to why I am moving up there. That was to do with her having a biopsy and driving herself home, that prompted me to move sooner rather than later.
Saw my house yesterday cos the owner happened to be there when we stopped by and was happy to let us take a look. It is ok. The bedrooms are smaller than here at my apartment, but the rest of the place is similar. It will do.
My wednesday rhymetime group threw me a surprise goodbye party. I had to leave the room to collect myself. I was really overwhelmed that they did this.
Still no job as yet, but that is now a good thing. Got schools organised for the older two and possibly a few days of care for Toddler.
Needless to say, I am freaking out a little and feel emotionally screwed up. I also feel useless, my bro says there is no need for me to be up there at this stage cos she will be in hospital for a few days, but I still feel like I should be doing something. Plus I want to talk to her myself, but she is all doped up on morphine for the pain.
This is not even something related to why I am moving up there. That was to do with her having a biopsy and driving herself home, that prompted me to move sooner rather than later.
Saw my house yesterday cos the owner happened to be there when we stopped by and was happy to let us take a look. It is ok. The bedrooms are smaller than here at my apartment, but the rest of the place is similar. It will do.
My wednesday rhymetime group threw me a surprise goodbye party. I had to leave the room to collect myself. I was really overwhelmed that they did this.
Still no job as yet, but that is now a good thing. Got schools organised for the older two and possibly a few days of care for Toddler.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
what a relief
I have a house. I will be moving in the same day I sign the lease lol, but will do a drive by this weekend.
Now to get schools sorted and get myself a job.
Have been pretty sad today, this was my last Tuesday Rhymetime and so I said goodbye to a number of my mums and bubs. Some of the kids I have watched grow from small babies in to cheeky toddlers, I have been so lucky to be a part of that.
I tell you what, I will NOT miss Bookclub with the primary school kids. Some of them are little horrors.
Tomorrow will be sad for me too, it is the last Wednesday Rhymetime.
Now to get schools sorted and get myself a job.
Have been pretty sad today, this was my last Tuesday Rhymetime and so I said goodbye to a number of my mums and bubs. Some of the kids I have watched grow from small babies in to cheeky toddlers, I have been so lucky to be a part of that.
I tell you what, I will NOT miss Bookclub with the primary school kids. Some of them are little horrors.
Tomorrow will be sad for me too, it is the last Wednesday Rhymetime.
Monday, April 6, 2009
he's not such a baby anymore
Having a day where I just get to hang out with the kids is really special. Weekends have been so hectic lately that I have really neglected to make any quality time for them.
So we spent Sunday chilling together, chatting and playing around, lots of cuddles, watching movies etc. I took the younger two to the park in the late afternoon. No.2 climbed everything as usual :-) and spent a long time swinging. Toddler/Boy explored, tried out everything, and proved to me that he is no longer a baby so much.
There was a rope ladder at the park, fixed to a frame. Twice he climbed it with me standing behind him, ready to catch him. He had no trouble negotiating the gaps between the rungs. On the third time he told me to go away. 'Go away mummy, me do it!' was what he said. I won't say my heart broke, but it cringed a little as I realised that he was confident enough and capable enough to do it himself. He did not 'need' me anymore, not for this. I watched him from a seat a short distance away, and saw that he was a little boy, growing every day right before my eyes.
While I do not love one above the other, my Toddler/Boy has been my joy. He is laid back and generous and loving. He is sweetness and stickiness and noisiness. He is smoochy kisses and squeezy hugs. Even grumpiness passes by like a cloud. He does not like to be in trouble, preferring to push the boundary, then do as he is told when he sees he is not going to get away with it.
I was struck with the desire for another baby. I have not felt this way for quite a while now, being focused on so many other areas of my life. But I find that having my baby grow up leaves me wanting. Perhaps it is that I love to be needed, and while all of them need me to some extent, it is not the same as a baby/toddler. I am not saying I want a baby right now, or even in the next year, but I would like to think that maybe another one is a possibility in the future.
D and I discussed children a few months ago. He was interested in the possibility of us having a child. Then things went pear shaped for us and it has not been discussed again. It will not be discussed again until we are much much further along in our relationship. Perhaps he will be like most men and be just another little boy and I won't want the burden of a baby as well. Perhaps I will look into the fostering again instead. Perhaps I will just enjoy my children and my family and continue to look forward to the day my children have their own.
Teen has been rather challenging lately. But he came to me the other day and told me he was interested in working in child care because he likes little kids. He babysat for me on Saturday and I was satisfied with how he went. I would like to encourage him and see whether this is something he could do long term. It would certainly provide him with a small income.
Teen likes - to read, play his keyboard, use the computer, watch/listen to comedy skits, wrestle with his mates, play the PS2. When we move I would like to encourage him to do mountain biking and rock climbing. I, and my brothers, have an interest in these things and it would be lovely to have something to do with Teen that is away from the house.
No.2 would also love rock climbing, I have never seen a kid that loves climbing as much as he does! If there is a tree in a park, then he will do his best to disappear up it, lol. He is not so interested in reading, but he does read now and then. He likes to feel useful, he likes helping my mum around the house and in the garden. He likes to learn and has a curious nature.
I feel like I have not taught my kids as best as I could so far, by this I mean showing them how to seek out information for themselves, how to find out, how to follow through on their curiosity.
But there is no time like the present to begin.
So we spent Sunday chilling together, chatting and playing around, lots of cuddles, watching movies etc. I took the younger two to the park in the late afternoon. No.2 climbed everything as usual :-) and spent a long time swinging. Toddler/Boy explored, tried out everything, and proved to me that he is no longer a baby so much.
There was a rope ladder at the park, fixed to a frame. Twice he climbed it with me standing behind him, ready to catch him. He had no trouble negotiating the gaps between the rungs. On the third time he told me to go away. 'Go away mummy, me do it!' was what he said. I won't say my heart broke, but it cringed a little as I realised that he was confident enough and capable enough to do it himself. He did not 'need' me anymore, not for this. I watched him from a seat a short distance away, and saw that he was a little boy, growing every day right before my eyes.
While I do not love one above the other, my Toddler/Boy has been my joy. He is laid back and generous and loving. He is sweetness and stickiness and noisiness. He is smoochy kisses and squeezy hugs. Even grumpiness passes by like a cloud. He does not like to be in trouble, preferring to push the boundary, then do as he is told when he sees he is not going to get away with it.
I was struck with the desire for another baby. I have not felt this way for quite a while now, being focused on so many other areas of my life. But I find that having my baby grow up leaves me wanting. Perhaps it is that I love to be needed, and while all of them need me to some extent, it is not the same as a baby/toddler. I am not saying I want a baby right now, or even in the next year, but I would like to think that maybe another one is a possibility in the future.
D and I discussed children a few months ago. He was interested in the possibility of us having a child. Then things went pear shaped for us and it has not been discussed again. It will not be discussed again until we are much much further along in our relationship. Perhaps he will be like most men and be just another little boy and I won't want the burden of a baby as well. Perhaps I will look into the fostering again instead. Perhaps I will just enjoy my children and my family and continue to look forward to the day my children have their own.
Teen has been rather challenging lately. But he came to me the other day and told me he was interested in working in child care because he likes little kids. He babysat for me on Saturday and I was satisfied with how he went. I would like to encourage him and see whether this is something he could do long term. It would certainly provide him with a small income.
Teen likes - to read, play his keyboard, use the computer, watch/listen to comedy skits, wrestle with his mates, play the PS2. When we move I would like to encourage him to do mountain biking and rock climbing. I, and my brothers, have an interest in these things and it would be lovely to have something to do with Teen that is away from the house.
No.2 would also love rock climbing, I have never seen a kid that loves climbing as much as he does! If there is a tree in a park, then he will do his best to disappear up it, lol. He is not so interested in reading, but he does read now and then. He likes to feel useful, he likes helping my mum around the house and in the garden. He likes to learn and has a curious nature.
I feel like I have not taught my kids as best as I could so far, by this I mean showing them how to seek out information for themselves, how to find out, how to follow through on their curiosity.
But there is no time like the present to begin.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
some improvement
No house and no job, but I am feeling ok at the moment. I am waiting to hear back from Centrelink. I have three or four applications in for housing. I am hoping some things will be resolved this week.
It gets a little tiring being a friend sometimes. I find myself having to hold my tongue to some extent. I have to remind myself that I am not walking in their shoes, I have not lived their life. My reactions to things are not the same as theirs might be. So I hold my tongue and listen and be supportive as best I can.
Had a BBQ yesterday to catch up with some friends and say goodbye to them. It was lovely. I was exhausted by the time they left. Got piccys tho, which I may eventually post here :-)
It gets a little tiring being a friend sometimes. I find myself having to hold my tongue to some extent. I have to remind myself that I am not walking in their shoes, I have not lived their life. My reactions to things are not the same as theirs might be. So I hold my tongue and listen and be supportive as best I can.
Had a BBQ yesterday to catch up with some friends and say goodbye to them. It was lovely. I was exhausted by the time they left. Got piccys tho, which I may eventually post here :-)
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Not so great today
Feeling rather stressed about the housing and money situation. Yet to lock down a house. Sat down and worked out my budget for if I do not get a job and it is going to be really tough. And I mean really tough. It also looks as if I am going to have to pay more for a rental than what I had budgeted for, which is not going to help things.
So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.
Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.
So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.
Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.
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