So I was driving along in my car the other day, thinking about what I was like before the meds and something occurred to me....
If I had got help 4yrs ago, if I had been willing to go onto medication then or even way back 10 yrs ago when I miscarried and fell into depression for the first time, I may still be married to my husband today.
Yes, you read that right. I feel that my depression was actually what killed us once and for all. I remember how incredibly miserable I was, how irrational, how I felt there was no future etc etc. Now that I know what my head feels like when I am not in the throes of severe depression, I realise that my irrationality played a very significant role in my belief that there was no option but to walk away.
This makes me sad. It's not something I could ever tell my ex, or my current partner. I am seeing my bestie soon and I think I shall chat to her about it. I mentioned it to the Psych, and she seemed to agree.
I discussed past relationships with my Psych last week, and as a result had a bad couple of days. Discussing D was distressing and left me unsettled. That and the realisation about my marriage meant that I was not feeling so great about things. It affected my ability to chat to my humble hero when he phoned the next night and I actually cut our conversation really short and got off the phone. He thought I was upset with him, but we had a big chat about it the next day when I was feeling better and we got it sorted.
