I freely admit that I am a fool

yep. Guess how long I lasted with my 'walking away' from D. A week...three days...

A day and a half.

I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.

Why?

Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.

I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.

I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.

We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.

As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.

sigh.

I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.