Feeling pitiful

Today's word for the day...numb. I wish I felt numb.

Ridiculous really, that I should be feeling pitiful, when it is my mum that is suffering. I am so glad that I had the opportunity to make peace with her. Goddamn we had some tough years, but I grew up, and she mellowed a bit, and we were able to find something to create a relationship out of.

F*** it.

I am not ready to lose my mum yet. Is any child ever ready to lose a parent?

Someone once said to me that it is better to lose a parent than a child. Having experienced what it is to lose a child, I guess I can see their point. At least you know your parent has lived a full life, whereas a child who dies young misses that opportunity, and you miss the opportunity of watching them grow and discovering who they are as a person.

I still say F*** it.

What brought this on?

Mum saw her specialist today, to get the results from tests done last week. The news was not good. She now has an aortic dissection on the left side, although it is not yet as severe as the one on the right. On the right side the severity of the dissection is the same, but the damage is spreading into the femoral artery and is also seriously affecting the right kidney. The specialist told her to just keep resting, avoid stress, and enjoy the life that she has. If the femoral artery gets further damage and splits...that's it. The end. Even if she makes it to the hospital in time to have surgery, she is not likely to make it off the table.

Guess the original hoped for ten years just got moved back a WHOLE lot. It's only been 3 1/2 months since the original dissection occurred and the fact that further damage has occurred is not what the specialist wanted to see.

Hence me feeling pitiful.

F*** it.