Disturbed

I am feeling very unsettled and emotional today.

Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.

I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.

As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.

After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.

This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.