Exhausted

Weekends, for me, are usually about recovering from the week before and re-energising for the week ahead. But I am not. Energised, I mean.

I worked Saturday morning and then for some wild reason I had volunteered to work Saturday afternoon as well, so I had a couple of hours break at home in the middle and then back to work until 8pm. I sat in front of my computer for 3 hours, not good. My eyes and butt was so sore by the time I left.

Working Saturday meant that the housework was saved for Sunday. yay. Being sans washing machine I had this brilliant idea that I would take the clothes to a self-service laundry. No-one told me they would be closed on a Sunday. Damn. I spent some time this afternoon hand washing uniforms so that we would all have something to wear for the next couple of days. I never thought I would find myself hand washing again, I haven't had to do it since my poor uni days, lol. My knuckles are a little raw.

My productiveness - I baked cookies and made sausage rolls, washed, went shopping, danced to the Wiggles and Hooley Dooleys with Toddler, played Monopoly with, and got beaten by, No.2, checked the worm farm (going well) and the veges (also going well), vacuumed (again! it is a daily de ja vu, lol).

I have spent a couple of days reading an interesting book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay: a step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship' by Mira Kirshenbaum. Well, the title says it all (and so it should, it's long enough!). Now, most books at the library are all about how to save a marriage. This is one of few that actually look at, well, what reasons would you have to stay and is it really the right thing to do. It is written as a series of questions and guidelines, relevant discussion and case studies. You read the question and decide whether it applies to you, then read the guidelines, etc. You can stop at one, or keep going like I did.

Early on in the book it talks about relationship ambivalence, where you see-saw between wanting to leave and feeling like you should stay (for whatever reason). I feel like that. But I want to stay for material reasons, not because of love, or belief that this time we can work it out.

So what Ms Kirshenbaum asks you to do is to put your relationship on trial. Ask yourself the tough questions, such as
'Think about that time when things between you and your partner were at their best. Looking back, would you now say that things were really very good between you then?

This could be a special weekend that you and your patner had together, or when you were working together on a joint goal. For me it was my wedding day. One bright moment out of so many less than sparkly days. I remember feeling like there were so many wonderful possibilities ahead of us, that we would be united together, that we would share dreams and goals and children and our lives. But I realise, looking back, that we didn't know each other very well, that we hadn't talked about dreams and goals before we made a 'lifetime' commitment, that we really had no idea of our future. I realise that my hopes were based on a fantasy I had, of my knight in shining armour rescuing me and caring for me all my days afterward.

Another question was
'In spite of your problems, do you and your partner have even one positively pleasurable activity or interest (besides children) you currently share and look forward to sharing in the future, something you do together that you both like and that gives you a feeling of closeness for a while'

Well, my answer is a big fat NO! (you can count sex as an answer, but only if it meets all the criteria listed above - anticipation, sharing, togetherness, closeness afterwards). And you know what, looking back I don't think we ever had an activity that both of us looked forward to. We had stuff that we did together (like going to the movies), but it was because DH liked it, or I wanted to, it was not something we anticipated and it certainly didn't generate closeness.

Well, I don't think I need to list any more questions, if you are ambivalent about your relationship I suggest having a read of it, you may find that, while you have a couple of speed humps, they are somewhat easy to get over. In my case the majority of my answers pointed to leaving as the better option. I can't say I disagree, but it doesn't make the decision any easier. It is simply not so clear cut. Reading this book made my heart ache and made me shed a few tears. It is not a nice thing to feel like your marriage is over, without actually being able to face it and deal with it. I am in a limbo state.

I may seem heartless when I talk about staying for material reasons rather than love. I still want to stay in my job for a couple more years, even though I know that it would mean struggling financially. Since I know how much stress that will cause I know realistically that I need to walk away, but damn it is hard. I like who I work with, I like my job most of the time, I have a great position, I am respected and the money is nice. The negatives are that I spend very little quality time with my kids, that I struggle every day in some small way to be a working mother and run the house the way I would like, that I struggle with being full-time. My ideal job would be part-time, in a similar position. A managerial job share position came up recently that, if I had my four years work experience, I would have/could have applied for. At this point in time I don't have enough experience and I had envisioned myself getting it as the library I am at now. This is what I struggle with. Not the leaving of DH, but the leaving of my job.

I worry about whether leaving is the best thing for the kids. They don't see much of DH, that is true, and when they do see him he is generally on the lounge. So I don't think leaving him will be such an issue. But I would be asking them to leave their schools and their friends and starting all over again somewhere else. I am not so sure about that.

I also read an awesome and moving book about teens, written by adolescent psychologist Michael Bradley. It is called 'The Heart and Soul of the Next Generation'. The heroes of the book think of themselves as ordinary people, but when faced with major life challenges they respond with acts of bravery, courage, and strength. I recommend this to anyone who has, or will have, teens.

What I got out of it was that it is important to be real with my sons, so that they see me not just as their mum, but as a human being with needs as well, that I make mistakes too and admit it, face it, and move on. I also realised that they need to be loved unconditionally (as much as I can), and be given the opportunity to make their own mistakes (within reason). That firm boundaries are important, for their sake and mine, but that if they step over the boundary there is fair consequences and forgiveness.

Blogs for today...
Oh the Joys
Owlhaven