The beginning of the end

of my marriage. Or had it already ended? Well, I think for me it had, but for DH, well, not quite. He emailed again and talked about spending more time with the boys when he came home and how he and I had some big communication issues and things were pretty messy between us and what did I think?

I wrote this...
I have already said that I don't really think this is a conversation for email, but I guess it means we don't have to look at each other and you clearly want to know what I think.

Personally I think that you have been the same person for the 9 years I have known you, no matter what has been said or done, and I don't think that is going to change. It is easy to think that things can be different when you are so far away, I have done that myself in the past. But come home and we will all slowly slip back into the same old same old, because trying to do more than that is just too hard, or goes against the natural grain (as you mentioned).

I don't think I knew you all that well when I pushed us into a relationship, and I still didn't know you all that well when we married because I had this crazy idea of not living together beforehand. If you recall, we didn't really live together before you left for the navy either, we had not long before decided to give it another go. But it seems that we go better together when we are apart. I don't think any marriage should be like that.

Do I think we can bounce back from this mess. No. Not this time. Too much anger, too much disappointment, too many unmet needs, too many differences.

You wanted to know where we stand? The speed hump is a mountain and my boots have holes in them.

When we talked about our problems in the past I would refer to them as 'speed humps', because we usually managed to get over them. DH asked me once (not long before he left, so lots of anger floating around) if I had ever thought about leaving and I was honest and said 'yes, every time we hit a speed hump.' I don't think he expected that answer, I think he expected me to say 'Don't be stupid' or something to that effect. But, as I said, this time I think the speed hump is too big.

So I have actually committed to 'The End'. I wish I could have a happy ending like they do in fairy tales.

I am afraid of the future.

I finished reading 'before i die' by Jenny Downham for the second time (awesome YA book, totally recommend it). I cried again and it left me feeling emotional all afternoon.