Hmmm

I can't say I envy DH his job at all, staying in a ship with 160 other people day in and day out (and not necessarily liking who you live with), with only occasional trips onto foreign land to stay in luxurious hotels (and I mean seriously luxurious!!!!). But I have to say I am perplexed when I get an email saying how good it will be when he gets home. Is he referring to being in Australia again? Or home with us?

How easy it is to forget what real life is like until you have to live in it. I can already envision the arguments about money, I can already hear him telling the kids to be quiet, I can already feel my resentment bubbling because I have come home from work, while he is on holidays, to find no housework done and dinner still to be cooked. We have been there and done this before, after a 3 month deployment (which would have been 6 if I hadn't insisted on having DH home for DS3's birth). So I don't really understand what he means. I guess life always seems nicer when viewed from a distance.

Perhaps I could dare to hope that things might be different this time, but is it worth the pain of realising, after he comes back, that that is not the case, and never will be? I am afraid to hope. I have cried so many times because things were not as I hoped, not even close to it.

I was going to email DH tonight and comment lightly on how little things had changed between us in our many years together, just to see what he would say (probably nothing) but after getting his email I refrained from it. He doesn't sound too happy and why should I add to it? You might read that statement and frown, because you know how unhappy I am and how unlikely it is that this marriage will last another year, but why hurt him when he isn't here to defend himself? We need to have it out face to face, not email to email.

Frustrated with my car at the moment. I spent a large amount of money recently on mechanical repairs, and since then I seem to be having electrical problems. Just before I got the car fixed a brake light blew, the day after the car was fixed a headlight blew, then the interior light, and the transmission console light, and today the power windows stopped working and the ignition is giving me little electric shocks when I go to put the key in. Not good. So I need to take it to an auto electrician asap and spend MORE money on it. At least I got it registered again first!

To top it off myself and the older boys need new shoes pretty badly. I did my budget tonight and it isn't pretty. I have a speeding ticket to pay (shame on me), and part of an electricity bill, all due within the next two weeks. I will have a little extra in my pay next week because I worked last Saturday, and I have another Saturday coming up in a couple of weeks that will help too. I have paid for DS1's holiday activities and just have to pay for DS2's and that is that done, although I will give mum a bit of money when they go up to her place in the second week of holidays.

The older boys are looking forward to the visit to mum's, I have younger brothers still living at home and they hang out with my boys and have a pretty good time. My DS3 is stuck home with me, we will veg out after work eating cheese on toast and watching Hi5, lol. He will be happy, lol. He loves his big brothers and I think he will miss them heaps.