Back from holiday

to explain my absence! I have been on holiday, lol. My best friend (13 yrs and counting) was having her second baby on Tuesday (just gone) and I went over late last week to help her get ready and to give her a bit of a hand while she was in hospital. It also gave us a chance to spend some quality time together and have a chat. Her lovely little boy arrived healthy and my friend is recovering well from her ceasarian (I don't think I spelled that right). I have spent two days having lots of cuddles with her tiny boy, I feel so lucky. I really didn't want to come home, but life calls and I had to come back. She would love for me to move closer (I would like that too), but it isn't going to happen.

My three boys came with me on this holiday and had a somewhat nice time. They got a bit bored sometimes, they are not used to entertaining themselves, but I figured it wouldn't kill them. I think the best part for them was having a go on the bikes. These are bikes with engines, not push bikes. lol.

Tween on motorbike

No.2 preparing to ride the Quad bike

Toddler supervising

They are glad to be home. I am glad that I don't have to listen to them whining any longer. Came home to a busted washing machine though, not impressed. I think it is chucking a tanty because I didn't use it for a week, it was fine before I left. Now I have to hope I can get someone to look at it tomorrow, I think I am dreaming though. Bugger.

My friend and I chatted a bit about my marriage. She didn't like my DH for a long time, she thought he was arrogant beyond belief (my friend and her DH are farmers, my DH has never set foot on a farm, yet he was trying to tell them how to run their place, unbelievable but true!). He redeemed himself a little at one of our meet-ups (we get together at least every 6 months), but this redemption was brief, after another visit she decided she just didn't think he and I were suited (can't say I disagree these days). She respects my choice to stay in this marriage, but I know she thinks I should go.

So we chatted about this for a bit and it was good for me to do it. She is really the only one who knows the state of my marriage, I trust no-one else enough to discuss it with them (yet I blog it to the world, lol). Anyway, I feel like I can't make this marriage work, I am sick of trying. I have stayed mostly because of my job and the kids, but my happiness has suffered and I find I am often depressed. I never used to know what depressed felt like, but life has not been kind and so, as strong as I may seem on the outside, on the inside I am crying.

I was surprised to realise that I have not missed work at all, that I did not even really think about it until I was on my way home. Yet I can say that I love the job. Sadly, I am not really looking forward to going back on Monday. I know there is a pile of work ahead for me. I find that I am now thinking in terms of there being an end to it, that I have to tidy up and sort in preparation for my going, yet my going may not happen for another year. Even in my home I feel that same need to clear out old stuff that has sat in shelves and boxes, in preparation for when I leave. I cannot see what lies ahead, I am not frustrated by this, but I am aware that my life is about to go down a different path.

You may say 'why don't you talk to your DH about this?'. Well, DH and I have never been good at communication. We constantly misunderstand each other, our conversations deteriorate rather quickly into arguments. But also, he is away, under stress. I am not inconsiderate, I don't feel comfortable saying, over the phone, 'I feel unhappy in this marriage, I really can't see a future for us'. How would you feel?

I don't think I will be going to NZ this year. I am a little sad about it, but I need to resolve this other stuff with DH before going on a big holiday. Plus, I still don't want to go by myself, I think that really does suck. I would like to go with my boys, or with my best friend. A holiday like that is to be shared to be enjoyed. I mean, who really wants to barrel down a hill in a Zorb Ball, get out and laugh, but laugh alone? ewwww. I want to soak in a hot pool, with someone beside me I can chat with. I want to visit a museum and discuss what I see with someone else. Maybe I will go next year. I can feel it slipping away from me.

While on holiday I visited the birthplace of my first child. I had him when I was 15 yrs old, I was in a relationship with a man/boy who would become violent when angry. He didn't start off like that, he was a nice kid, but I think he got tired of pain and took it out on me. Our son died at 6 weeks old of meningitis. It was a newish disease then and it was picked up too late. The memories were brought back as I left the town we had been living in, I saw how much it had changed in the many years that have passed, even the caravan park was a poor reflection of what it was when we lived there. My son is buried elsewhere, I have visited the grave a few times over the years, I say a prayer for him and lay some fresh flowers. I think about the man/boy that he might have been. It is my little heartache.

My presentation...lol, I forgot the begining of my opening story and had to check in my notes, then I forgot part of another story, but recovered without too much trouble. It amazes me that I can get up and sing three days a week, but I can't tell a story to a large group of adults! I think there are a few reasons for this...
- I was out of my comfort zone (no children, lol)
- I felt like a fraud, I have only been doing this job for 10 months and there were people who have been doing it for 20 years
- lack of confidence exacerbated by the above two reasons

Anyway, I was glad when my 5 minutes was over.

Tomorrow and this weekend will be spent preparing the house for an inspection on Monday. I have a bit of work to do, cleaning pencil off the walls and fixing vertical blinds, I hate blinds with a passion, what is wrong with good old curtains that can be taken down and washed? It will be a general tidy up in all other areas.