Baggage

My mother made an interesting point recently (which I don't often say, usually I am disagreeing profusely). Anyway, we had been discussing my DH's dysfunctional family (let's not mention mine right now, hmmm) and how obviously damaged some of the siblings were, when she said that perhaps it is the eldest who is the most damaged, but better at hiding it. So I mused on that during my drive home and realised that it is probably true, not even just in my DH's case, but also in my own. As the eldest you are pushed to be the responsible one, to set the example to your siblings, to pave the way, so to speak. You are given more jobs, because you are the oldest, you babysit, because you are the oldest, you spend the most time watching your parents make a mess of their marriage (and might find a way to protect the others from seeing it), because you are the oldest. So much pressure! So much expectation! I remember how many years I wasted trying to get my mother to approve of me, to acknowledge my worth, until one day I realised that I just couldn't wait for it anymore and I had to stop. It was such a relief. It helped me to stop trying to please others as well. I still slip into it now and then, mostly because I look to others to assess my own self-worth, not a good habit, I know. It feels false to walk around saying positive mantra's to myself, anyway, who wouldn't want to hear other people say nice things about them.

What has this got to do with baggage? Well, we have it, lots usually (though some more self-enlightened people may have rid them selves of a case or two, and others are in complete denial). And I realised that people who come into a relationship saying they have no baggage are lying to themselves and probably haven't dealt with the crap from their past. Perhaps they see baggage as simply old intimate relationships, but it is more than that - it is every relationship with every person they have ever had in their lives, no matter how small that interaction was. It could be a teacher who yelled at you one time too many (self-esteem and authority issues), or your aunt who had to kiss you and was all slobbery and wet (giving you a phobia about kissing old folk). It is just stuff that we pick up along the way the helps us to become who we are now.

Different topic now....
A soldier recently died in Afghanistan and his wife said nice things about him in the news. It got me wondering what I would say if something similar were to happen to my hubby. Here is what I eventually came up with...
1. He was a great lover of sport. He spent a number of years both participating in and watching sport, in particular cricket and rugby league. He was a fan of the Bulldogs.
2. He was respected at work and enjoyed his job. He considered it his lifetime career.
3. He enjoyed gardening and derived great pleasure from harvesting healthy vegetables.

I can't think of anything else. Sad, isn't it. I can't say he was a devoted father or loving husband, I can't say that he was passionate about anything, other than sport, I can't say that he was good to his parents. He's got no friends that I know of, so I can't say he will be missed by his mates. This is so sad.