Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.