well, that's life, isn't it? Always throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it.
In my case, it started with two emails.
I woke up Monday morning to find I had not one, but two emails from D.
Now, for me to go back and locate the posts regarding him would be time consuming, so let me sum it up fairly quickly.
We met online late 2008, met in person after chatting online for a couple of weeks. Instant attraction for both of us. Attempted a long distance relationship for a couple of months, it didn't work. Lots of tears and heartbreak ensued. Couple of months later, back on again, a couple of months go by, then off again and so on and so forth for the next couple of years. Yep...years. In that time I moved to his city, where my mother also lived and she was unwell.
Then I was given information in 2011 that led me to believe he was engaged. I confronted him, he denied it. Later he came back and said it was true. It was at this point that I fell to pieces and all the effort I'd made to keep my life moving forwards ground to a complete halt. He was not the only issue I was having in my life, but his statement destroyed what little strength I had left. Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll find I was on medication for major depression, failing uni (I had to quit), unable to go to derby or have anything to do with it, sleeping excessively, barely surviving. He turns up on my doorstep and tells me he lied. My brain struggles to process this. Let's just say that the on again, off again relationship continues, but is more off than on.
Last year we had a 5 month 'off again'. The next time it was 6 months.
Then the emails land in my inbox.
I don't read them. I see them there and I know what they say. They say 'I miss you' and 'I have always loved you' and 'I'm sorry, I know I hurt you'. See, it's not the first time that I've received emails like this from him. I have a folder in my email account just for him. Remember the days when we had real love letters and we would keep them and wrap a ribbon round them, and every now and then we'd take them out and hold them and remember? Well, that is my folder. I can't wrap a ribbon round it, and I can't hold it, but I can look at it sitting there and remember.
I continue my morning routine. All the time I am thinking of these emails, thinking about what they signify. I do school lunches, I get kids to school, I go to the gym, all the while thinking.
What am I thinking? Quite simple really. He wants to be back in my life and I have to decide whether I want that to happen.
I've been on my own for a while now. I quite like it. It's uncomplicated, mostly smooth sailing. Having him back in my life actually wouldn't change much, other than making time for him now and then. We no longer have a particularly demanding 'relationship'. Over the years I have learnt not to bother being demanding, and he never was. We meet, we talk, we sleep together, he goes home. We text a little. It's not really complicated. I could say that I make it complicated with my accusations and my fears and the anger that raises its' ugly head when my 'expectations' have not been met.
I'm getting too old for the drama. Getting set in my ways so that I can't envision actually living with a partner.
Home from the gym, I have a shower, then soak my aching muscles in a hot bath. There's a knock at the door that I ignore, I just assume it's Jehovah's Witnesses. A little voice in the back of my head whispers 'No, it's D.' Still, I don't rush out because I'm not dressed. I keep thinking.
Later, I'm in the kitchen getting breakfast when there's a knock on my door. I go to the door and see it is D. I feel no surprise at all. I simply say hello and let him in, telling him that I'm just getting something ready if he wants to sit down. He tells me he came by earlier, that he thought he'd try one more time before heading home.
He tells me his heart is beating a million miles an hour. I am calm. So very very calm. I can't explain this. We talk for hours, about many different things. I read the emails while he is there because he asks me to. They say what I expected them to. He reiterates what he wrote, tells me how he has been feeling for the last few months, asks me if there's any hope. Asks me if I still care for him, love him even.
I cannot say 'love' to him. There is too much hurt, too much disappointment. We reminisce about the first time we met in person, how intense it was. Care for him? Yes. I had missed him at times. A song would come on and it would trigger a memory or I'd drive past his old workplace and think of him. He was a memory, albeit a bittersweet one.
And now he is back. I can't make him any promises and I ask none of him. I think we are beyond that now. We've known each other for so long that some things don't matter. Accepting him as the flawed human that he is, and knowing my own weaknesses, will be the key to this working at all.
On another note...
My mum goes in to hospital tomorrow. Today I spent a lovely day with her and my uncle. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, at least I know she loved me.
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