Blech

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech