In a happier place

The last time I wrote, Teen and I were looking forward to seeing a Psychiatrist and moving forward with all that had been happening. What a joke that turned out to be. Apparently we were referred to yet another Psychologist for a second opinion on Teen's possible Schizophrenia, not for an ADHD assessment at all. So we spent an hour in there going over the same things with no outcome except confirmation that he did not have Schizophrenia. When I asked the Psych at the end what our options were he told me that if we saw a Psychiatrist then Teen would be put onto medication. Neither Teen nor I are keen on that idea so we walked out of there with nothing.

So now what? I am working on giving him more hugs and saying 'I love you' again like I used to before I got so caught up in fear and anger. He actually appears to have calmed down a fair bit, I don't know why but will enjoy it while it lasts. I am reading up on boys/teens and trying to understand what is happening for him right now. There are challenging moments.

This morning I go to make the lunches for school. I open the fridge to get some grapes for No.2's lunch, and can't find them. I ask the boys if they know where the grapes are. Teen says 'I ate them'.

He ate a kilo of grapes. They were supposed to last the week and be used in lunches. I called him a selfish bastard and told him they were supposed to be for lunches for the week. He was stuck on how awesome it was that he ate a whole kilo of grapes.

sigh

In other news...I skated yesterday. Actually, that is the end of the story lol. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to get back on skates again. I was at training and depressed about watching the girls and not being out there. So I did some research, talked to heaps of people, and decided to work on my health and fitness and see if that made enough of a difference for me to get back out on skates.

So Monday 17th Jan I started going to the gym again. I think I went 3 times that week and did 30 mins on the stationary bike, 10 mins on the Elliptical Trainer. The following week I put a program on my iPhone that allows you to record exercise and calories (it's basically a diary of your food and exercise) and I began to keep a close eye on what I was putting in vs what I was putting out. I continued to do 25-30 mins bike + 10 mins elliptical and was careful with my calorie allowance. I am on 1540 cals (6300kj) per day. The session on the bike and elliptical gives me another 500 cals to play with, so I can actually have around 2000cals per day. It has actually been really easy to stay under that figure.

By keeping a food diary that lists the cals in food I can decide whether I want to waste 225cals on a Cadbury Picnic Bar, or instead have some Apricot lollies that I like, get a sugar fix from them, but only use 160 cals. A choice I made recently - I was craving a meat pie. I checked to see what the cal value was - around 500cals! My craving was not worth a third of my daily allowance, so I opted for a Beef cup a soup and two bread rolls instead (about 300cals), and was satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. On Sunday I knew I was going to have McDonalds, so I made sure I had a light breakfast and lunch, did some exercise, and was able to have Macca's guilt free (although it did make me feel a bit sick).

Anyway...as of today I have lost 1kg and dropped 2cms off both my hips and waist. I found this post which shows where I was at Dec 2009. If you don;t want to read it I have noted the figures for Oct/Dec below.

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

My current measurements are...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I now know that I am currently heavier than I was Oct 09. It's there in black and white. It goes to show how easy it is to let yourself go. Right now my scales say I am 99kgs. In Oct/Dec 09 I think I was about 95kgs. My goal weight is 80kgs.

Back to the matter of skating. I've been off skates since the day at the Foreshore when the shin splints were agony. I have focussed on lots of stretching and doing low or no impact exercise. Yesterday I went for a gentle skate at the Foreshore with the kids. I was on my skates for an hour, but probably only spent 30mins intensively skating. I had no pain while skating, and only slight discomfort for an hour or so afterwards (I should have stretched but didn't as I was rushing around at home getting tea organised). I feel very good about this and feel positive that what I am doing is working for me. I have set a target of a month of off skate training, with a bit of social/casual skating here and there. I realise that I will have the shin splints for life and that what is important is to listen to my body and rest it when it needs resting, stretch when I need to stretch, and say 'no' if I feel I can't do an activity, such as pacelines. I am going to try Orthotic inserts and when I have the money I will see a Physio. I want to be back out skating again. I want to be on a team and bouting again.

Love life...smiley face. Three weeks ago I met a man we shall call Titan. We spent 3hrs talking and could have kept going but I had to be elsewhere. He asked me on an official date and well...we had our 5th date last Sat. Each time we get together we spend hours talking and getting to know each other. We're not rushing, both of us have been hurt before and want to take it easy. He's met the boys, he's actually already met Little Boy before, as he works in Child Care and had done some casual work at Little Boy's daycare center. The boys were impressed by his height (6ft 2in yum yum) and that he looks kind of buff (he goes to the gym pretty regularly and looks after himself most of the time).

I like him. He is a family man, very protective of his twin sister, who has cerebral palsy. He's been close to death, he had a surgical operation 3yrs ago that put him in a coma that no one thought he would come out of. He had to re-learn how to walk and talk again, not right from scratch tho, it was more about reminding his neurons what they were supposed to do. It prompted him to have a career change, he was a process worker before the accident and decided after that he wanted to go into child care, a job he had wanted to do since highschool. He is affectionate, but not overly so. He texts, but not too much. He compliments me when he sees me. He feels safe talking to me. He can't spell too well and his grammar is a bit poor, but I actually don't care. He's never been married but has had 3 relationships that lasted over 1yr, the longest was 4yrs. He does want children of his own, so I have had to have a good think about whether I was prepared to go down that road again. I like how I feel when I am around him, I enjoy his company and I would like to continue seeing him.

Possible negatives - he has told me that he can have a bit of a temper at times. He has told me that there has been times when he has been pretty depressed. He is on anti depressants and he says they have made a huge difference to his attitude and perspective. Nothing unusual really.

Life is looking pretty good at the moment.

I choose to be hopeful

that this year will improve on the last. It's not starting off quite as well as I would like, but I will work with it.

Teen has an appointment on Fri with the Mental Health services. Our new journey is beginning.

I spent some time reflecting on my parenting and I plan to make some changes. I will reintroduce our menu planning that we used to do when we lived in the city. I will introduce a chores list so that all of us are contributing to making the house a nice home to live in, and subsequently teach life skills that will benefit my boys down the track. I will assist the boys with school work and make time for fun as a family.

I have spent time reflecting on my own lifestyle habits and I plan to make some changes. 15 yrs of crappy habits aren't going to be easy to break, but I need to.

I had a read back through my posts and realised that I only briefly mentioned that I took a break from skating last year. From around August to Oct. This was due to a condition called shin splints. I thought it was just cramps, but could find no way of relieving the pain except for not skating. In August I had done some research and found that my problem was shin splints - Info about shin splints I was in so much pain I was crying at training. So I took a break. I got myself new skates for my birthday, thinking that may be part of the problem. I began skating again, gently, not full on training, in November. No pain. I was feeling very confident that I would be back skating as a member of the league again in the new year. Our league went on our holiday break in early Dec and I did not skate until about two weeks ago.

My return to skating was as a street skater. This is an activity I had feared for a long time and I felt it was time to make some progress and actually give it a good go. I discovered that I really enjoyed it. I have a 'safe' area to skate, in that it is fairly clear paths, mostly flat, not too many things that can cause me to fall.

Unfortunately, during my 4th street skate session, I felt that all too familiar pain in my shins. It wasn't terrible and so I rested often during the skate and took it easy. I gave myself a few days off from the street skating.

I couldn't get to our first training session back tonight as I was working, so I took myself off to my spot and went for a street skate. Within half an hour I was in agony, even with frequent stops and not pushing too hard. I headed back to my car, but it got too much so I took off my skates and found that I could barely walk, that my lower legs could barely support me as I got my gear into the car.

I got into the car and cried, not just from the pain that was so much worse than last time, but also from the knowledge that me and skating are pretty much done. I think I will be able to manage it when I am out with the kids, cos they fluff around so much that it takes us 2 hrs to do my usual 40 min skate, but I am thinking that Derby is a definite no-go. It also means no more running (which I wasn't doing anyway, but had planned to start that back up).

I spoke to a personal trainer and she recommended lots of stretching before exercise, go and see a physio, and find a low impact sport like cycling to do instead.

I choose to be hopeful that the problem will be resolved. I understand that it may mean no longer skating in the roller derby league. At this point I am still heavily involved in other areas of the league, so there is that at least.

disturbed

example of brief interaction with teen...

Teen: mum, do we have any polystyrene?

Me: no

Teen: what about the boxes in the garage?

Me: no, they store my craft mags cos they are waterproof

Teen: The top one is empty

Me: That's because I used it for christmas drinks. When it dries out the mags are going back in there

Teen: (silence)

The next day...

Teen: do you have any polystyrene I can have

Me: no.......why?

Teen: I want to make napalm

Me: (be silent, walk away, deep breaths, don't cry)

________________________________________________________________

Yesterday he broke a window in the garage. He seemed to be having fun. I lost it at him. I kept it brief, walked away, and barely spoke to him for the rest of the afternoon.

Christmas Eve

I wish you all the best. I hope you and any loved ones have a safe and happy holiday season.

Took Teen to the GP who had a good old chat to both of us, read over the report from the psych and supported her opinion that Teen has ADHD, but remained skeptical about the Schizophrenia. Since there is almost no question about the ADHD (insert parental guilt here) we have been referred to the Mental Health Services here and I am now waiting on a call from them to set up an appointment.

I wish my pride had not stopped me from seeking help for Teen sooner...five or more years ago really. Right now I worry about his future. I can see that now the process has begun there is some hope for his future...but still.

My brothers are a good example of how I don't want Teen to end up. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, because I seem quite different from all of them. My brothers are all younger than me. L is 28, has not had a job in about 5yrs, sits at home on his computer playing games or watching tv, has had drug problems in the past, has not had a girlfriend in about 9yrs, has no real prospects. A is nearly 21, is heavy into alcohol and drugs, has not held down a job for more than a couple of months since he left highschool. H has ADD and mild Aspergers, he is 19, and also a drug user, although apparently not as bad as A, has never had a job and was unable to complete highschool.

These are the men in the periphery of my Teen's life. Combine that with over hormonal peers, a dad who struggles with interactive parenting and a mother at her wit's end and the prospects for Teen don't look so great either.

So I am placing alot of hope in the treatment that I expect Teen to receive in the New Year. Please God, let it produce positive results.

So...tomorrow is Christmas. I am thankful that my mum has made it to her second Christmas since getting sick. We did not expect her to make it to the first. My brother A is behaving badly towards mum at the moment, so if he comes to lunch tomorrow things may be a little tense. This has been the poorest Christmas I can ever remember. I actually haven't bought the boys anything yet, I just have not had any money. They are at their dad's for Christmas, so I get an extra week to go present shopping (yay for crazy Christmas Sales).

I am tired of drama. There has been such alot of it these last few months, at my home, at derby, at mum's. I would love a little peace. Actually, with the boys away at their dad's for Christmas, it has been rather peaceful :-) I put Teen on the train yesterday. He and his bro's will be back Monday week.

I read back over this year's posts...all 15 of them lol. It's been a really tough year. A stressful year, a money poor year, a year of worry. I hope 2011 brings some happiness. I hope I remember to write about all the good stuff that I know happens.

Be safe

searching for the positives...

Truly, I am, but they seem few and far between.

It's amazing how lonely you can feeling when standing in the midst of friends.

What is it about being single that makes a person feel incomplete? Why is there this overpowering need/want/desire to have somebody to share life with? Why is it that some people seem perfectly happy with their singular status? Is it fake? Is it extreme selfishness?

It's amazing how alone you can feel when dealing with the many burdens of life. How each little event just piles up, all the while so does the washing, and the dishes, and the rest of the household jobs that seem too much to deal with. Friends are there, but they can't ease the burden, or you think your burden isn't enough to bother them with, or your pride gets in the way, so you don't ask for help.

Took Teen back to psychologist for the results from some written tests we had done. She discussed the findings with us, had some one on one time with Teen, called me back in the room and stated that she felt that while he does appear to have ADHD, she actually believed he showed signs of Schizophrenia. She then apologised.

sigh

We're off to the GP next week to have chat to him and see what our options are. I want to get Teen extensively tested to ensure that it is Schizoprehia and not ADHD. The diagnosis by the Psychologist is unconfirmed, it is an opinion rather than a fact (although the test results were pretty damning).

Needless to say I spent the next couple of days after the 'diagnosis' reading up on it, and then crying off and on. I told my mum about what we had been doing. I started off by saying Teen and I had been going to a Psychologist and that she had initially felt he was ADHD, my mum stopped me there and said 'Can I just say I told you so?'

bitch

I burst into tears at that comment. Told her to shut up and let me tell the rest of the story. She did, and I did, and then we chatted about it for the next couple hours, with me crying off and on just from the stress of all of it, and the fear for his future. She was kind of reassuring. One of my brothers has learning disabilities and so mum has dealt with the mental health unit, and with local Dr's and the like, so she had a bit of useful info. She offered to take Teen off my hands now and then so that I could have a break, and this is something I really appreciated as it can be challenging having him around (as previous posts can attest to).

I posted on my Facebook recently...

ok, so you know how the saying is 'God only gives you as much as you can handle'? Well, God, you can stop giving now, please. I need a break...

I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what I am going to have to deal with next. Then I get up and I handle whatever 'it' is.

In my selfish moments I wonder if I will ever find a man who will willingly take on me and my kids. I feel the possibility creeping further and further away. A friend said to me last night 'You are so awesome, I love you!' and I said to her, 'Why is it only women ever say that to me? Where is there a man who will see it, recognise it, and love me too?'

I think that was too much thinking for her grog addled brain lol.

The Derby AGM has been and gone and was nowhere near as painful as expected. Actually, it was pretty painless. I think my report was the longest one, I talked for about 10 minutes, answered a couple of uncomplicated questions, and was done. There has been a few changes in the make up of the Exec and general committees, but it looks to be people who will be good in the roles. The next year will be interesting.

We had our Derby Xmas Party last night and I went, had a meal, chatted to a few people, and found myself wishing I was at home with a good book. I was kind of bored.

I have a derby friend who I am struggling to be friends with at the moment, I shall call her J. She is a challenging personality, in that she is very...how do I describe her...full on...hmmm, yeh I guess that's the best I can do. J has mood swings, takes minor things personally, acts inappropriately at times (like at the AGM, I was sitting talking serious Derby business with a colleague and she sat across from me and threw a bit of paper at me. I actually told her off, I said 'now is not the time or place for this' and frowned at her. She got all sulky and opened up the piece of paper and showed me that it said 'I love you', and I said 'that's sweet, but now is really not the time'. It actually really irritated me). She is not well liked in the league. I persist with the friendship because I do like her at times, but lately her sulkiness and her rudeness is getting a little worse, and I am getting a little less tolerant (with all the shit I have to deal with, her's does not even rate). The most current...

J's boyfriend is a ref with the league. His ex-girlfriend, let's call her Shiny, joined (at least 6 mths ago, maybe longer). Shiny is not interested in J's boyfriend. Way back when Shiny joined, J chucked a tanty about the ex-g joining, went on and on about how this girl joined just to piss her off. That drama got settled, somewhat, and J and Shiny ignore each other at training and events and move in a different crowd. J gets the shits if her boyfriend talks to the ex-g. I am friends with Shiny, she is a funny, nice girl. I refuse to take sides (not that the Shiny asks it of me, she could care less about J). I think J doesn't handle the fact that people in general like Shiny. Shiny is also on the General Committee and is very good at the role she has. J, on the other hand, has managed to screw up the two committee positions she has held in the last year (because of her behaviour).

Anyway, I was out with J the other night, with some other girls from the league. J went on and on about Shiny, about how she joined to piss off J, about how she is crap at her job etc etc. The thing is, she calls Shiny 'It'. I find this incredibly offensive (especially having read 'A Boy called "It"'). I find her behaviour childish, and inappropriate (her dislike of Shiny is based on personal, apparently non-existent issues). Calling a human being 'It' is about as low as you can go, and when Shiny is actually a really nice, genuine person, the term grates on me even more.

So I am backing off from the friendship. Not obviously, but I just don't have alot of time or tolerance for J anymore. I think she may be a bit mentally unstable, an opinion that I know a couple of Execs share with me after having worked with her. I am one of the few friends she has in the league, so that makes it harder, but after the other night, listening to her going on, I really don't think I can be a good friend to her. We were seated near each other at dinner last night, and I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle listening to her going on and on about whatever subject interested her at the time (she is hard to shut up). Once I had finished my meal I got up and moved away and sat elsewhere. I didn't make it obvious that I moved because of her, I just went and talked to someone else and then chose to stay where I was, but I think she noticed anyway. Later, when she was leaving, she came up to me and kept going on about how we'll have to catch up through the week and do something together.

shrug

She has a Nutrimetics party on in Jan that I am going to, that will be enough.

D got in touch with me, crapped on about how he wanted to grow up and be a man, said he wanted to date me...blah blah blah. I am not holding my breath. That was about two weeks ago and...nothing...lol...surprise surprise. I am honestly not fussed. I mean it. I really don't care. I am on dating sites, I am talking to men, I am not sitting around waiting for D to prove himself.

I think I am partly to blame for how things ended up. I met him at a time when I was not well emotionally, then when he withdrew I did not cope well. It's never been the same since.

I have been reading an interesting book called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man'. It is written by a man and talks about having self respect, not giving yourself too soon (he advocates ninety days), so that you can determine that the guy is around for you and not for the goodies. He talks about three indications that a man has strong feelings for you - Profess (he wants you to meet his friends and family, he wants to take you out and show you off to the world), Protect (physically, from danger; generally, by making sure you are safe, by giving advice he thinks will help you), Provide (financially, but not necessarily so. He can provide by helping you out in other ways, like fixing your car, or getting a mate to do it). I saw all those behaviours in D2 and T, the other two guys I have seriously dated in this last 2 yrs, didn't work out, but still...

So, I'm reading this and thinking about all the times I needed D to be a man for me, like in April last year when my mum was in hospital, or when I moved up to this city and knew no-one, or when I had my car accident and had no idea how to go about buying a new car and subsequently got ripped off. He was in my life, but not for me, for the goodies. And that's my fault. I gave up the goodies before he earned the right to have them.

Lesson learned.

Blech

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech

A little heartbroken and lost

Teen has been stealing from me. He has gone through my cupboards and drawers in my bedroom and taken items from there. He goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants without checking that it is ok to have (there has been a number of occasions where he has eaten food set aside for school lunches). I have one shelf in the kitchen that I reserve for myself, it has my healthy snacks, my protein powder and, on the rare occasion there is enough money in the house, it is where I put my chocolate.

Trust in this house is assumed. Basic respect of space and property is expected. Unfortunately Teen seems to have completely bypassed the lessons on trust and respect. Nothing is safe from his prying hands and eyes. If he wants something, he takes it. He has lost all my tools by not returning them after use, destroyed my garden fork because he had the shits, destroyed an outdoor broom that belongs to the owners of the house, put dents in the walls.

The current last straw was when I went to my cupboard last night to enjoy some chocolate that my brother had bought me as a gift. It was gone. I immediately confronted Teen, who said he took some. I pointed out that the whole block was gone, so where was the rest of it? He got it from his school bag. Less than half a block. I was close to tears, I had been looking forward to this treat all day. I yelled at him, saying that it was a gift from my brother, that Teen invades every space in this house, so why could I not have just this one shelf that he does not touch? He had nothing for me, did not seem phased by how upset I was.

I feel like I have nothing left for him. Trust and respect is so important to me and I feel that it is beyond me to generate any more forgiveness for this person who cares so little for other people's things.

I am devastated. I do not know what to do. I do not want to be around him. I do not want him near me. I want to turn my back on him. I am so lost.

I feel like a failure as a parent.