My rhyme and read sessions went pretty well. It seems strange not to sing non-stop for half an hour, lol, but the parents seemed happy and the kids seemed to have more attention. I have looked into getting a license that will allow me to play music, this should beef up my Tuesday Rhymetime sessions a little if the manager okays it.
I read an article in the paper about the difficulties of living on the old age pension. I was surprised at how little the elderly receive - about $250 each per week. That is pretty pitiful. When I expressed this opinion to my husband I was quite dismayed to get the opposite reaction from him. His argument was that they have been used to living on very little all their lives so why should they complain now, why didn't they have a savings plan, why don't they live with family, etc etc along the same lines. I was gobsmacked! I pointed out to him that society has changed, children don't want their parents living with them, and that generally the parents' savings went on ensuring their kids had a better start to life than what they had. These people went through the war for crying out loud! They walked miles to school, they went barefoot, they scrimped and saved to buy a home. They worked hard all their lives. In their old age they deserve to have some comfort and $250 isn't going to provide it. I asked him how he would feel if he had to survive on that amount, he couldn't even empathise, his words were 'I have super, so it's not going to happen'. His lack of caring and his arrogance just floored me.
I just do not understand what possessed us to think we could spend our lives together. We see the world so very differently. Perhaps it is because we are man and woman, perhaps it really is something as simple as that. But I fail to understand him, I am frequently disappointed by him, and I have no idea what he thinks of me/us, if anything. But I am stuck. I feel like I cannot move from this. I recommitted to our marriage for crying out loud, and all it has gotten me is heartache. I say 'I recommitted' because I don't think he really did.
He works away on weekdays at the moment, comes home Friday night, sits on the lounge. Alternates between the lounge (TV) and the computer (different room) until he goes to bed. Gets up mid-morning (about 10am) Saturday (and Sunday too for that matter, what happened to going to church?), first thing he does is put the TV on. Then the computer. That's it for the day. Oh, he might change a nappy (we have three boys, one of whom is a toddler), he might put a load of washing on, he might go out to the shops for an hour. But it is a 'might'. We both work fulltime. As any working mother knows, your day begins hopefully before the kids gets up, so you have the chance to at least have a cuppa, once they are up it is go go go, get out the door, get everyone off to school or daycare, get to work and maintain the happy face for 7 or 8 hours, pick everyone up, get home by 6pm, organise tea, homework, baths, bedtime. You might get to sit down for a quiet moment at 9pm, then its back up, get washing on, get dishes done, tidy up mess created by kids, hope to get some time on the computer or to read a book before your eyelids droop and you can't stay up a moment longer. I do this every week day. I don't know what he does, most of the time it seems a bit of a bludge (his words), at the moment it's a bit busier than that. Ok, I get that. But when do I get to sit around ALL day and do almost nothing? I really resent his behaviour when he is at home. I feel like he doesn't understand that my week is equally as busy, so I need some down time too, not running round doing the housework that I couldn't get done through the week, not shopping for more food, not cleaning up yet another lot of mess created by him and the kids. Give me a goddam break!!
Where is my supposed partner in life? Where is my supposed helpmate? Where is my support? Sitting on the lounge watching sport. Tapping away on the keyboard looking for something to throw money away on.
I am disappointed in the choice I made when I had the chance to make a different one. I like where I live and work, I love my kids. Except for my marriage I like my life. My marriage makes me really really depressed. When I think about it I want to cry. I eat enormous amounts of chocolate instead. Death by chocolate.
If I walk away from this marriage the kids lose a nice place to live, we would have to move way out west to afford housing. They would have to change schools again. I would probably have to quit my job because I just do not think I could juggle full-time work and parenting if I live up to an hour away. We would lose out. I keep reminding myself that he is soon going away for a length of time, that I just need to get through these next few weeks sociably and then I won't have to think about 'us' for awhile. We are supposed to be going on a family holiday when he gets back from his trip, I look forward to it in most respects, except for spending it with him. He isn't much fun to be around. I was looking forward to camping, but he has decided it would be easier to stay in motels. ewww. It wasn't meant to be about easier, it was meant to be about having a bit of fun. He has probably realised that camping = no tv.
My heart aches. I dreamed of so much more from life.
No comments:
Post a Comment