Looking back and moving forward

and all that that entails.

I read back on my last few posts, since it's been a while. I'm happy to say the writing bug is still biting, albeit inconsistently lol. I'm working on a long piece of work that has 3 main characters, one of which is a female. The characters are writing themselves and are going in some interesting directions. I think my work needs a dragon tho. Definitely some magic. I had got into a routine of getting up at 6am and writing till 7ish (usually clocked up 350 odd words), but I've fallen out of that habit for a couple of weeks. I could say I'm doing research, since I'm watching a few shows with strong female characters, but I'd know I was lying. I have been reading tho! THat's research right? In the last three months I have read...

*The Martian by Andy Weir - five stars! I want to read it again, soon. Saw the movie and it was pretty good.

*When by Victoria Laurie - five stars! A YA novel, but well worth reading. About a girl who can see peoples' death dates on their foreheads and because of this is implicated in 2 murders.

*The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde - mmm three stars. Interesting look at how friendships can twist and turn and how obsessed people can become with their looks. I've read reviews that say it was a psychological horror story. Maybe I need to read it again because it didn't strike me like that.

*Under the Dome by Stephen King - five stars! Fantastic read and a million times better than the series

*The Liars' Club: A memoir by Mary Karr - five stars! Mary Karr opens up about her childhood, which was quite dysfunctional. A good insight into children coping with abuse and difficult divorce

*The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - four stars. A known classic. A somewhat autobiographical piece. Interesting to watch the character as she loses her way mentally. Could relate to some of her experiences and feelings.

*Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters - four stars. The author's debut novel. Had no idea what the book was about before I started it. Set in the late 1800's. It explores gender roles in the Victorian Era, focussing on lesbian love mostly. A little shocking, a little surprising, definitely interesting.

*Little Stranger by Sarah Waters - four stars. Read this one before Tipping the Velvet. Interesting read, slow-paced. Set in post WWII Warwickshire. Main character is a Dr Faraday, a country Dr who becomes involved with the local gentry. Features a poltergeist (not quite as exciting as you'd hope).

So you can see that my reading has been quite varied :-) I've had a few late nights and may have read at work once or twice.

Ah! Work! So, I did my AIN course, then went ahead and did Enrolled Nursing. My bro did not tag along as he and his lovely fiancee have had not one, but two children in the last 2 yrs! He is the stay at home dad, while Em tutors and goes to uni. Seems to work for the 2 of them but doesn't bring much money in, Anyway, halfway through my EN course I got employed by an agency as an AIN, so I work casual, usually 2 nights a week, on a variety of wards in a variety of hospitals in the local region. For the most part I like the work. I work nights because that is what suits best. I have completed my EN course and now just need to come up with the money to register.

I've had a number of people suggesting I go and do my RN's at uni. I am not at all interested in doing my RN's, but have had trouble convincing a couple of my friends of this. Anyway, the thought of going back to uni did appeal and so I looked at what I was interested in. I've been accepted into a Bachelor of Science, starting next yr. I'm a bit excited about it. If I do well I'll consider a grad dip in forensic science. The uni I am going to used to do a specialty in Forensics, but have ceased that course, much to my annoyance. I'm not prepared to move to Sydney to study Forensics, so will take the long way round, if I do it at all. I plan to major in Biology. I have only told a couple of people, and none of the ones who were pushing me to do RN's. Ugh. How to explain that I'm going to uni for the pleasure of learning rather than in the simple pursuit of yet another career? I don't even know what my goal is by doing this degree. I do think it is funny that once I finish I'll have a Bachelor of Social Science, a Grad Dip of Applied Science, and a Bachelor of Science. Science nerd much LOL!

I can't see myself doing nursing forever. I like it, love aspects of it, but it's hard on the body. My body is, to my disgust, not as young as it once was. I have aches and pains that get in the way of doing some things. Nursing is not a career for a sore body. Maybe I'll go back into libraries, but medical ones. Maybe I'll be a research assistant. I don't know.

The oldest boy left home about 6 months ago. I did not throw a party, cos that would be rude. Love him, but he's caused me so much grief at times that I was not sorry to see him leave. He lives in the area, but I've seen him only twice. He texts me occasionally (very occasionally). Sometimes I text him just to check he is alive. The other two boys don't seem to miss him.

I haven't coped well as a parent this last 18 mths. It hasn't been all bad, but my youngest has missed quite a bit of school, and teen isn't where he should be with his schooling. They get fed, but not always well. They always have clean clothes and a roof over their heads. Anyway, had a bit of a melt down a couple of months ago and called my ex to ask if he would take them on. They're good kids, it's not their behaviour that is the problem, it's all me. I'm just so tired. Exhausted. I feel like everything is a constant struggle and I just wanted it to stop. So they are moving to their dads early next yr. I've shed a lot of tears and had a bit of guilt. Thankfully, my ex is incredibly excited about the prospect of having his boys with him. My youngest is 9 and will get to be a big brother to his half-brothers, who are 5 and 3. Mr 9 is also excited about going to live with his dad and brothers. Teen is ok with it. He sees that there will be more job and training opportunities for him there. I will miss them. It will be weird. In 38 years I have only ever lived alone for 2 months. Mind you, I won't be completely alone as we have a fox terrier and 2 cats. The dog thinks I am amazing (he's right). The cats are cats. I am glad the house won't be echoing with silence.

Back at the gym. It's taken a long time to get there again. My foot took quite a while to heal. I go 3 times a week at the moment, I use the elliptical and the bike and I have just started running again. I also swim sometimes. I want to get back into weights but I have a shoulder issue that is being annoying by not going away (bursitis and nerve impingement). I'll get there tho. I was so proud and excited to be running again. Not fast and not far (best is 2.8 km in 30 mins), but that is ok. I don't want to hurt myself again. I weigh a stupid amount, triple digits, and so my goal is to get back down to double digits again. It's going to take a while and I need to work on my food, and probably exercise every day, but it will happen. In the meantime my focus is mostly on getting my muscles strong.

What else...hmmm...oh. I've been single for 6 mths. Dated a younger guy for about 6 mths (saw him once a week). Broke it off cos his house was a filthy pigsty and he smelt funny. Don't miss him, don't miss dating or anything associated with the same. I am quite happy being single again. I'm not on any sites. As I say to anyone who asks, 'not dating, not looking'. I cut D out of my life completely, I don't know how long ago this was, but I've spent some time healing. He got married a few months ago, to the girl he said he wasn't engaged to. Funny that. I could ruin his marriage, but I won't. I don't care about him any more.

Things are certainly changing for me. It's a roller-coaster ride sometimes, but I'm looking forward and embracing the unknown.

Time to face reality

about my weight. I'm to be a bridesmaid in October and I don't want to be wearing a size 20/22 dress.

Last May - 
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34

Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg. 

Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.

Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.

I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate. 

Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore. 

I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.

I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.

Exercise

I've been doing a bootcamp for the last 4 weeks and am feeling much stronger and fitter. My measurements last Nov were

Bust 114

Waist 110

Hips 126

Thighs 66

Arms 40

Today they are

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 123

Thighs 66

Arms 39

Glad to see a change in my waist and hips. Have 8 weeks to go in the bootcamp, hoping to lose 8kgs.

continued progress

Last weeks measurements were...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

This week...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 106 (41.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 67 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Good to see that I am still dropping cm's off my waist. I had a pretty bad food/exercise week over the last week, so am glad I dropped anything at all.

Last Friday I went to derby training feeling very nervous and unsure of myself. Friday night is Scrimmage night and was to be my first time being fully involved in training for about 6mths. I was nervous about my performance, and worried about my legs. I had prepared my legs by lathering on Deep Heat and wearing a set of knee high Skins.

Silly me :-)

Performance wise, there is plenty of room for improvement, but I did as well as can be expected. My legs...were fine!!!!! I was so incredibly happy. I skated off and on for two hours and had only the minor discomfort that goes with doing an intense exercise. Yay!!!! All the hard work of the last few weeks is paying off.

My next goal is the Tough Bloke (Chick) Challenge, so now my attention is on building up my upper body strength and getting my running going again. I have about 3.5 months to train for the 6km course. I believe it's split into a 3km run, 1km obstacles, 2km run.

I did the C25K Wk1 Day1 today (resulted in a 2.5km walk/jog) and struggled a little bit, but did complete it. I can feel a slight twinge in my right leg which indicates I need to stretch a bit more, but the shin splints are not an issue.

I have a physio appt tomorrow. Will have a chat about my exercise and stretches and maybe find out about strapping.

Titan - well, as I had discovered in previous dating experiences, 6wks is about how long it takes for the less pretty side of a person to come out. I have found he is a bit of a whiner. He is also as self-indulgent as I was, maybe more so as he will actually drive down late at night to get chocolate or coke, whereas I will only get it if I am out already. He wants to discuss my diet with me and tells me I shouldn't have had that meat pie yesterday even though I did more than enough exercise to allow myself it, yet he will eat an entire pizza even when he has not done any exercise for a couple days. I dislike hypocrites and I have said that to him a couple times (maybe his intention is for me to see it as support and encouragement, but I don't).

He is a big fan of the Snooze button, which I think is a waste of time and is just lying to yourself - you set the alarm for when you are going to get up, not for when you think you might get up.

He doesn't seem to remember when I tell him something. This could actually be a memory problem related to his coma. Example - he's been dating me for 6wks, I have attended the gym regularly in that time. The only day I go at 5.30am is on Mondays, because I have Little Boy at home all day and it's the only time I can fit it in. Every other day I go sometime during the day. I know Titan and I have talked about this, at least a couple of times, yet he texts me early this morning and asks me why I wasn't at the gym...another example - training on Fridays goes from 7-9pm. I have told him this a few times. I have told him I don't get home till at least 10pm. So he texts me Fri night and asks me what time I will be home...when I tell him, again, he whines about wanting to spend more time together.

So yeh, none of these are worth breaking up over, but they are irritants. I am happy with the amount of time we spend together, which is about two nights per week plus Sat. He would like more. He would also like to say the 'L' word, but is holding back cos he wants me to say it first. I'm not in a rush to do that.

Gah...relationships are hard work.

smiley face

ok, so I bit the bullet after a lovely weekend with Titan, and I made us Facebook official (insert many lol's here). He met my mum and bro's on the weekend and I think he made a good impression.

Two weeks ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

And this weeks measurements are...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

So in two weeks I have dropped 2cms off my bust, 6cms off my waist and 3cms off my hips, 1cm from my thighs and 2cms from my arms...a total of 14cms (5.5inches). WOO!!!! I am nearly back to what I was Oct 2009!

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

The scales still tell me I'm heavier than then, but the cm's are more accurate and more motivating. Give me a week and I reckon I will be back there and then the below numbers will be my aim

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

*happy dance*

Still on a good curve

Yep, things are still looking positive for the most part.

Titan has been spending a bit more time around me and the boys. This does not appear to have deterred him from dating me :-) Last night he asked me if we were in a relationship, I said that I had been calling him my boyfriend and he said he was calling me his girlfriend (I feel about 12 when we have conversations like this). Then he said something about changing the relationship status on Facebook and I laughed and said 'What? It's not official unless it's Facebook official?' I told him that I don't have my relationship status on FB anyway, because my personal life is not the world's business. I told him he could change his if he wanted. He seemed to let it go. Maybe I'll change it on or after Valentine's Day (I don't know why then particularly, maybe cos it seems appropriate). He also mentioned that there were a few little words that he wanted to say to me, but that it felt too soon. I nodded and kissed him, because it is too soon.

Our conversation last night prompted me to sms my ex and let him know I was seeing someone and it was getting serious. He hasn't replied and I don't really expect him to.

A little unpleasantness this week...regarding my 'friend' J and her issue with her partners ex-g, Shiny. Little bit of history here

So lately Shiny has begun participating in contact and scrimmages at training. J has sat on the sidelines and has appeared to laugh when Shiny falls or can't keep up with the pack (even I have trouble with that). J has been making cryptic, but insulting, comments on FB that even a blind man could figure out was referring to Shiny. I spoke to Shiny about the comments and spent some time thinking about J and her disgusting behaviour towards Shiny, and decided I had had enough. So I messaged her on FB. See below...

Hey hon
I've been told that your cryptic posts of late have been referring to Shiny. I know you think she joined derby because of you and Stripey, but it's pretty obvious that she is here for the love of the game only.

She has no problem with you or Stripey and can't understand why you have a problem with her. I can't understand it either anymore. Please explain to me why you still have such a problem with her.

Flame

I have NEVER though that it joined because of us. I hope to fuck it didnt!
Im fucking over the shit that has gorn on since it joined and wish only for a mac truck to come along and take my problems away

Im fucking over this shit, in and out of derby it is making social life impossible and i am well and truly ready to snap.

If it really didnt have a problem, it wouldnt make such a point of ruining any chance we had at a social life we may have had.

You haven't actually said what it is that Shiny has done to offend you so much. The fact that you and her and Stripey move in the same circle of friends can't be helped, but it is your choice to let the matter affect you.

Calling any person 'it' is something I find incredibly offensive and I ask that you stop.

Flame

You really want to know?!
I dont take kindly to being bad mouthed, as it did when joining. Made up stories about me trying to stop it from joining and such bullshit.

I dont take kindly to having someone quite obviously try to get people that are my friends away from me. Of course you wouldnt see that happening because it happened with you aalong with many others. Though I would hope you might notice the fact that we dont get to talk anymore, wonder why that is?!

I also really dont take kindly to someone making up bullshit stories about people I care about. Making up bullshit about Stripey beating her and then telling everyone simply because it is jealous that he has moved on is so fucking wrong and beyond belief.

We have kept our mouths shut about everything that has gorn on because as soon as we start saying anything its seen as us attacking her when thats all it has done since joining.

Quite frankly, I am beyond giving a fuck. I have lost that many friendships with people I cared about because I dont get to see them anymore because we dont make a point of attending everything to brown nose. We have chosen not to attend so that we arent put into situations that we wont like, as well as stopping others from feeling uncomfortable.

And, she is vile and obnoxious. Cant fucking stand being around it.

So you know, she hasn't badmouthed you or Stripey to me, and she has certainly never called you 'it' or anything like that. Clearly, you have a different point of view than I do. You obviously feel very strongly about Shiny and her involvement in derby.

There are others in the league who don't like each other. They see no need to be nasty about each other or avoid social situations because of it.

I don't want to stop being your friend, but your behavior is making it hard to be a friend to you. I have not seen or heard Shiny behave towards you in a way that justifies your extreme dislike, but as I said before, you have a different view on the situation. And as I said before, calling a person 'it' is incredibly offensive to me.

Flame

Sent via Facebook Mobile

nice to know a friend of mine gives a fuck about me.
thanks

Unfortunately, because I haven't seen the behavior from Shiny that you describe, it is difficult for me to support your very obvious dislike of her.

Up till recently I have not let your feelings about Shiny affect my friendship with you, but hearing you badmouth her to other league members, and the fact that you think it is ok to call someone 'it', is of great concern to me.

I am fully aware you have a different view of the situation. You are clearly aware that you have lost friendships since she came. Has it occurred to you that you lost the friendships because of the way you have handled the situation?

This whole mess is disappointing for all involved.

Flame

And that was that. She then started posting cryptic, but insulting, messages on FB that were directed at me. She has lost me as a friend. When I read her first reply, that started with 'I have NEVER thought that it joined because of us', I shook my head. She lodged a grievance about Shiny joining, they had mediation about it, I was on the committee at the time and was well aware of that situation, and here she blatantly lies to me. The reference she makes to Shiny affecting their social life is about a BBQ that was on recently that all three of them were invited to. J and Stripey chose not to go because Shiny was going to be there. It is J that makes people uncomfortable, J that bitches and whines and backstabs. Unfortunately neither her, nor Stripey, want to see it that way. That's their choice and they are going to have to live with the fallout. It will be interesting to see whether they stay with the league.

Now back to good stuff :-)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This weeks measurements are

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

so a total loss of 8cms (3in)!!!! But would you believe I have lost NO weight!

In a happier place

The last time I wrote, Teen and I were looking forward to seeing a Psychiatrist and moving forward with all that had been happening. What a joke that turned out to be. Apparently we were referred to yet another Psychologist for a second opinion on Teen's possible Schizophrenia, not for an ADHD assessment at all. So we spent an hour in there going over the same things with no outcome except confirmation that he did not have Schizophrenia. When I asked the Psych at the end what our options were he told me that if we saw a Psychiatrist then Teen would be put onto medication. Neither Teen nor I are keen on that idea so we walked out of there with nothing.

So now what? I am working on giving him more hugs and saying 'I love you' again like I used to before I got so caught up in fear and anger. He actually appears to have calmed down a fair bit, I don't know why but will enjoy it while it lasts. I am reading up on boys/teens and trying to understand what is happening for him right now. There are challenging moments.

This morning I go to make the lunches for school. I open the fridge to get some grapes for No.2's lunch, and can't find them. I ask the boys if they know where the grapes are. Teen says 'I ate them'.

He ate a kilo of grapes. They were supposed to last the week and be used in lunches. I called him a selfish bastard and told him they were supposed to be for lunches for the week. He was stuck on how awesome it was that he ate a whole kilo of grapes.

sigh

In other news...I skated yesterday. Actually, that is the end of the story lol. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to get back on skates again. I was at training and depressed about watching the girls and not being out there. So I did some research, talked to heaps of people, and decided to work on my health and fitness and see if that made enough of a difference for me to get back out on skates.

So Monday 17th Jan I started going to the gym again. I think I went 3 times that week and did 30 mins on the stationary bike, 10 mins on the Elliptical Trainer. The following week I put a program on my iPhone that allows you to record exercise and calories (it's basically a diary of your food and exercise) and I began to keep a close eye on what I was putting in vs what I was putting out. I continued to do 25-30 mins bike + 10 mins elliptical and was careful with my calorie allowance. I am on 1540 cals (6300kj) per day. The session on the bike and elliptical gives me another 500 cals to play with, so I can actually have around 2000cals per day. It has actually been really easy to stay under that figure.

By keeping a food diary that lists the cals in food I can decide whether I want to waste 225cals on a Cadbury Picnic Bar, or instead have some Apricot lollies that I like, get a sugar fix from them, but only use 160 cals. A choice I made recently - I was craving a meat pie. I checked to see what the cal value was - around 500cals! My craving was not worth a third of my daily allowance, so I opted for a Beef cup a soup and two bread rolls instead (about 300cals), and was satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. On Sunday I knew I was going to have McDonalds, so I made sure I had a light breakfast and lunch, did some exercise, and was able to have Macca's guilt free (although it did make me feel a bit sick).

Anyway...as of today I have lost 1kg and dropped 2cms off both my hips and waist. I found this post which shows where I was at Dec 2009. If you don;t want to read it I have noted the figures for Oct/Dec below.

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

My current measurements are...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I now know that I am currently heavier than I was Oct 09. It's there in black and white. It goes to show how easy it is to let yourself go. Right now my scales say I am 99kgs. In Oct/Dec 09 I think I was about 95kgs. My goal weight is 80kgs.

Back to the matter of skating. I've been off skates since the day at the Foreshore when the shin splints were agony. I have focussed on lots of stretching and doing low or no impact exercise. Yesterday I went for a gentle skate at the Foreshore with the kids. I was on my skates for an hour, but probably only spent 30mins intensively skating. I had no pain while skating, and only slight discomfort for an hour or so afterwards (I should have stretched but didn't as I was rushing around at home getting tea organised). I feel very good about this and feel positive that what I am doing is working for me. I have set a target of a month of off skate training, with a bit of social/casual skating here and there. I realise that I will have the shin splints for life and that what is important is to listen to my body and rest it when it needs resting, stretch when I need to stretch, and say 'no' if I feel I can't do an activity, such as pacelines. I am going to try Orthotic inserts and when I have the money I will see a Physio. I want to be back out skating again. I want to be on a team and bouting again.

Love life...smiley face. Three weeks ago I met a man we shall call Titan. We spent 3hrs talking and could have kept going but I had to be elsewhere. He asked me on an official date and well...we had our 5th date last Sat. Each time we get together we spend hours talking and getting to know each other. We're not rushing, both of us have been hurt before and want to take it easy. He's met the boys, he's actually already met Little Boy before, as he works in Child Care and had done some casual work at Little Boy's daycare center. The boys were impressed by his height (6ft 2in yum yum) and that he looks kind of buff (he goes to the gym pretty regularly and looks after himself most of the time).

I like him. He is a family man, very protective of his twin sister, who has cerebral palsy. He's been close to death, he had a surgical operation 3yrs ago that put him in a coma that no one thought he would come out of. He had to re-learn how to walk and talk again, not right from scratch tho, it was more about reminding his neurons what they were supposed to do. It prompted him to have a career change, he was a process worker before the accident and decided after that he wanted to go into child care, a job he had wanted to do since highschool. He is affectionate, but not overly so. He texts, but not too much. He compliments me when he sees me. He feels safe talking to me. He can't spell too well and his grammar is a bit poor, but I actually don't care. He's never been married but has had 3 relationships that lasted over 1yr, the longest was 4yrs. He does want children of his own, so I have had to have a good think about whether I was prepared to go down that road again. I like how I feel when I am around him, I enjoy his company and I would like to continue seeing him.

Possible negatives - he has told me that he can have a bit of a temper at times. He has told me that there has been times when he has been pretty depressed. He is on anti depressants and he says they have made a huge difference to his attitude and perspective. Nothing unusual really.

Life is looking pretty good at the moment.

I choose to be hopeful

that this year will improve on the last. It's not starting off quite as well as I would like, but I will work with it.

Teen has an appointment on Fri with the Mental Health services. Our new journey is beginning.

I spent some time reflecting on my parenting and I plan to make some changes. I will reintroduce our menu planning that we used to do when we lived in the city. I will introduce a chores list so that all of us are contributing to making the house a nice home to live in, and subsequently teach life skills that will benefit my boys down the track. I will assist the boys with school work and make time for fun as a family.

I have spent time reflecting on my own lifestyle habits and I plan to make some changes. 15 yrs of crappy habits aren't going to be easy to break, but I need to.

I had a read back through my posts and realised that I only briefly mentioned that I took a break from skating last year. From around August to Oct. This was due to a condition called shin splints. I thought it was just cramps, but could find no way of relieving the pain except for not skating. In August I had done some research and found that my problem was shin splints - Info about shin splints I was in so much pain I was crying at training. So I took a break. I got myself new skates for my birthday, thinking that may be part of the problem. I began skating again, gently, not full on training, in November. No pain. I was feeling very confident that I would be back skating as a member of the league again in the new year. Our league went on our holiday break in early Dec and I did not skate until about two weeks ago.

My return to skating was as a street skater. This is an activity I had feared for a long time and I felt it was time to make some progress and actually give it a good go. I discovered that I really enjoyed it. I have a 'safe' area to skate, in that it is fairly clear paths, mostly flat, not too many things that can cause me to fall.

Unfortunately, during my 4th street skate session, I felt that all too familiar pain in my shins. It wasn't terrible and so I rested often during the skate and took it easy. I gave myself a few days off from the street skating.

I couldn't get to our first training session back tonight as I was working, so I took myself off to my spot and went for a street skate. Within half an hour I was in agony, even with frequent stops and not pushing too hard. I headed back to my car, but it got too much so I took off my skates and found that I could barely walk, that my lower legs could barely support me as I got my gear into the car.

I got into the car and cried, not just from the pain that was so much worse than last time, but also from the knowledge that me and skating are pretty much done. I think I will be able to manage it when I am out with the kids, cos they fluff around so much that it takes us 2 hrs to do my usual 40 min skate, but I am thinking that Derby is a definite no-go. It also means no more running (which I wasn't doing anyway, but had planned to start that back up).

I spoke to a personal trainer and she recommended lots of stretching before exercise, go and see a physio, and find a low impact sport like cycling to do instead.

I choose to be hopeful that the problem will be resolved. I understand that it may mean no longer skating in the roller derby league. At this point I am still heavily involved in other areas of the league, so there is that at least.

Pretty pleased with myself

I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.

Not so.

In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.

BUT....

I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)

Equals overall - 21cm (8in)

As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.

At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.

I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!

Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.

My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.

No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.

Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.

So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.

About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.

I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.