Stomping my feet and having a little cry

Feeling really down and frustrated right now. Took myself off to the Dr about my incredibly painful left heel. I've been ignoring it for months, then in the lead up to nursing prac I went and saw a podiatrist who incorrectly diagnosed the problem and did not help me.

So off to the Dr I went. It's been diagnosed as a calcaneal stress fracture. I know I did it running. Too much, too soon as always (f***ing idiot). So I am supposed to be non-weight bearing for 6-8 wks. Never mind that I have nursing prac in a bit over a week. Told the Dr about it and he suggested I do my prac on crutches. Yeah....no. I will self pain medicate and be on my feet for 8 f***ing hours, 3 days per week for two weeks. Almost in tears over the whole thing as the pain and inconvenience could have been avoided. Just like my high blood pressure, and my weight, I could have resolved it long ago.

I also discussed incontinence with the Dr. Yeh. Embarrassing much? :-/ But the issue I have is worsening and needs to be resolved (nurses don't get many pee breaks).

My day improved when I met a friend for coffee and then we went off to the movies. We had each other giggling all afternoon.

Then...I get home, there's a letter from the Landlord. I assume it's telling me I'm due for an inspection. Nope. It was a letter telling me that I have to move out within 3 months. I've been in this house for 4 and a half yrs. I love it's location. I like my neighbours. I love my small boys' school. I don't want to move and it bloody well sucks that our time here is at an end.

Meh.

Time to face reality

about my weight. I'm to be a bridesmaid in October and I don't want to be wearing a size 20/22 dress.

Last May - 
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34

Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg. 

Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.

Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.

I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate. 

Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore. 

I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.

I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.

Baby steps

I self analyse a lot. I do it less than I did before the meds, but I still do it.

So I was driving along in my car the other day, thinking about what I was like before the meds and something occurred to me....

If I had got help 4yrs ago, if I had been willing to go onto medication then or even way back 10 yrs ago when I miscarried and fell into depression for the first time, I may still be married to my husband today.

Yes, you read that right. I feel that my depression was actually what killed us once and for all. I remember how incredibly miserable I was, how irrational, how I felt there was no future etc etc. Now that I know what my head feels like when I am not in the throes of severe depression, I realise that my irrationality played a very significant role in my belief that there was no option but to walk away.

This makes me sad. It's not something I could ever tell my ex, or my current partner. I am seeing my bestie soon and I think I shall chat to her about it. I mentioned it to the Psych, and she seemed to agree.

I discussed past relationships with my Psych last week, and as a result had a bad couple of days. Discussing D was distressing and left me unsettled. That and the realisation about my marriage meant that I was not feeling so great about things. It affected my ability to chat to my humble hero when he phoned the next night and I actually cut our conversation really short and got off the phone. He thought I was upset with him, but we had a big chat about it the next day when I was feeling better and we got it sorted.

Rock bottom

I hit it and I hit it hard.

I was seeing D again (yeh yeh I know, not smart) a couple of months ago, so I was back to sitting around waiting for him to make time to see me. I was working two jobs, juggling derby and uni commitments, and trying to be a good parent.

I ended up a mess.

D broke it off with me, I made mistakes at work and nearly lost both my jobs, I failed another subject at uni, I stopped going to derby and I was failing as a parent (in my eyes).

As hard as it was for me I reached out to a couple of my friends, who have experienced depression and anxiety, and asked for help. They encouraged me to go to the Dr and helped keep me in the Dr's surgery when I was having second thoughts. They made it ok for me to consider going on medication, because I knew that this time I would not be able to pull myself out of the black hole.

I was worn out. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left.

So to the Dr's I went and sat there in his office and bawled (much to my disgust). Got myself under control and got the ball rolling. That was about 6 weeks ago. I am on medication for my depression and when I visited the Dr recently we decided to increase the dosage as it wasn't quite doing the job it needed to be doing. I also saw a Psych for the first time last week and I have 2 more appointments booked.

The medication has really given me some relief from my brain. I still over-analyse, but now I am not being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. I now have 'room to breathe'. I still feel, I get cranky/annoyed, I feel happy, I get sad. But now the emotions are rational, rather than irrational. I had felt like I was going mad, like I was out of control.

I didn't know just how stressed I was feeling until I stopped. Now I have discovered that I have anxiety about going back to derby. I wonder if it is because of the long term issues with Shin Splints, or the conflicts that have been going on. I don't know. I just know that at this point in time I do not feel like I can set foot in our venue. I haven't trained in 6 weeks, haven't been to a meeting, haven't given a report. I did catch up on the bookwork to some extent.

I don't know what I will do regarding derby at this stage. I know that I want to step down from my committee position, but need to tie up some loose ends before I do so. I may change to a social member for the next little while, until I feel like I want to start again. But I may not. What is interesting is that I have been so very busy with derby for the last 2 years that I haven't done things that I had hoped to have done by now, like kayaking and rock climbing etc. I also haven't spent as much time with my boys.

Lately I am spending more time just sitting. I had truly forgotten how to relax and even now I have to make myself just sit and watch a movie or chat with the boys, and do nothing else. I think they are enjoying having my full attention. I have played Chess with No.2, Uno with Teen and No.2, and lots of MarioKart on the Wii with Little Boy. I've had fun :-) I've gotten jobs done outside and felt productive again.

I have deferred uni for this next semester. I really lost the plot where uni was concerned. I have seriously considered quitting altogether, however my best friend has told me of another option that I will discuss if I go ahead with it.

When people ask me if I am ok I say no. I say that I am worn out, tired, resting. That I took too much on and now I am paying the price.

I am feeling better about life. I am feeling like I have time to pursue other interests, and to give my kids the time they deserve. I feel like I can be there more for Teen as he navigates these defining years.

I haven't asked for help in more than 15 yrs, so glad I finally did.

Not so great today

Feeling rather stressed about the housing and money situation. Yet to lock down a house. Sat down and worked out my budget for if I do not get a job and it is going to be really tough. And I mean really tough. It also looks as if I am going to have to pay more for a rental than what I had budgeted for, which is not going to help things.

So, in other words, I really need a job. By moving up there and not working my income will be down by $700 per fortnight. That is alot and very ouchy.

Feeling depressed. Can feel myself wanting/needing to withdraw.

moving on

Had a really good day emotionally today. Spoke to my best friend and bitched about D, lol, felt good.

Not happy today

well, today, to put it bluntly, I feel like shit. I am tired, my eyes hurt (and I haven't shed very many tears, so I don't know why they hurt) and I feel emotional and unpleasant.

I sent D a message last night asking him to explain to me what happened, since I really do have no idea. No reply as yet, and it wouldn't actually surprise me if I never get one.

Caught up online with a guy who I had been chatting to when I met D, so I sent him a hi saying I was back online if he wanted to talk some time. He was a nice bloke, but he was never going to be able to compete with D's charm, lol. I am not the type of girl to keep a man in reserve in case things don't work out, so I had said to him that I would be happy to be friends, he wasn't keen and so we haven't spoken much since.

There are some interesting people out there. I like hearing about other people's lives and interests and I think these sites are a good way to do that. I haven't figured out irc chat rooms, so I am staying away from them until my bro's can give me a lesson or two in how to use them.

I have decided to continue sticking to my 9pm-11pm time limit online, I feel like it is something I can controll. It will also mean I get to bed at a decent hour. I think I will also continue the 'rules' I had set for myself. I know I deserve to be treated well. I AM a NICE girl.

Had a good chat to my best friend last night. We have come such a long way together. She wanted to call D and abuse him, which I found very funny, but I appreciated the fact she cared about me enough to want to do that. Besides, I still like D, stupid, I know, but he really did tick all my boxes and so it is hard not to like him. Also talked to my mum and skimmed over the surface of what had happened with D. I had spoken to her previously about D's condition, and how I wasn't sure if I was up to it, so when I told her that D and I weren't dating anymore I let her think it was because I had decided I couldn't handle it. She is disappointed for me, but she commented on the positive change she had seen in me over the last few weeks and how much she had seen me grow in self-confidence. I know she will check in with me through the week to see how I am, and I will put on a happy face. I do feel fine most of the time, I see it as me battening down the hatches.

Music is a great help. I have been having my car stereo blasting, my window down, and I scream the lyrics of songs I know. It is very cathartic, lol.

I guess at some point it was going to catch me

I have prided myself on my strength in the face of things that would bring any other person to their knees.

But now...

The depression that I have kept at bay for about 7 years has finally caught back up with me again. Only once before has it affected me badly, when I lost a baby. I got pregnant when No.2 was just four months old and I carried that baby for 5 months before we discovered it had died. I had to go into hospital and give birth because my body wasn't rejecting the fetus, so I didn't have a late term miscarriage. X was there, but not there. In the room, but not by my side. This loss was one of the nails in the coffin of our marriage the first time around, well, not the loss exactly, but the lack of support from X, the inability for either of us to communicate to each other how we were feeling.

I descended in to a black hole for about 3 months. I was not good to be around, I was angry, and suffering and I took it out on everyone around me, but only inside the home. Outside the home I was what everyone expected to see. I had my mask and I wore it. I never saw a counsellor, never saw a Dr, I used to look at trucks and think about turning the wheel just enough to...well, it doesn't need to be said. I pulled myself out of it, just one day I woke up and said 'that is enough'.

This time it is harder. This time I am dealing with the failure of my marriage, a move, juggling fulltime work and raising a family, trying to develop a relationship with someone who lives two hours away. I am hurting inside, so much that I am struggling to hide it.

I had an appointment to see a Dr today, for contraception, but while I was driving there I was sobbing and trying to hold myself together. I decided to speak up, to say that I needed help. I was heard. I am having an assessment done next Tuesday and will be referred to a psychologist if needed. I think I need it. I am feeling like I want to pack in my relationship, my job, my life. I am feeling like I want to lie in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. I am feeling like I just want to cry all the time. I am holding myself together for now, when I feel the blackness creeping up I take deep breaths and try to calm down just enough to keep going.

I don't want to feel like this.