Time to face reality

about my weight. I'm to be a bridesmaid in October and I don't want to be wearing a size 20/22 dress.

Last May - 
Bust 106
Waist 97
Hips 114
Thighs 56
Arms 34

Highest weight 104kg. Current weight 95.5kg. Goal weight 80kg. 

Well, I've surpassed my highest weight and am currently 105.5. I can't tell you how awful this makes me feel. All that hard work undone in 6 months.

Measurements? I don't even want to go there. I got rid of most of my 'fat' clothes and so nearly everything is too small for me. At home I am wearing a lot of skirts and legging type pants. When I go out I have a limited choice and look gross in everything I put on.

I started going downhill in July last year, when my new job meant that I was too tired to even consider going for a run or to the gym. I tried to fit it in, but couldn't find a routine, and I seem to need routine. Then I got so very unwell with my gallbladder and exercise was the last thing on my mind. Unfortunately I did not change how I ate. 

Now I am unemployed I have plenty of time to exercise, but am yet to get into the habit. Lack of money actually means we are eating better because I can't afford junk food anymore. 

I'm doing a 10km run tomorrow and kind of dreading it. Then I have freshmeat training. Not sure how I will go and may not be able to walk on Monday.

I don't feel very good about myself at the moment.

wtf moments

But first....

So on the 28th Feb my measurements were

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

and today they were

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Wow, I am impressed, another 7cms :-) I weighed in yesterday and had lost 1.5kg in two weeks :-) had also lost another 0.6% body fat. This is good. Still not getting to the gym to exercise, but have modified my eating and that seems to be making the difference at the moment.

And now to what my title refers to...

I had left Titan as a friend on my Facebook because it felt awkward to delete him. I wish I had, because he would post on my Wall and kept adding friends of mine. I got to the point where enough was enough and made a comment about 'looking forward to dinner' (I was actually looking forward to dinner, but was having it at a derby meeting with a whole group of people). He said 'that's nice, who with?' I replied 'if I had wanted to say who, I would have'. He then texted me to say if I was dating someone he would stop trying to see me

wtf??

I wasn't even aware he was trying to see me. I had certainly never given him any indication that I was interested in seeing him again. I replied 'yes' (yes, I did lie to make him go away), he abused me and that was that. Later I discovered he had deleted me from Facebook. How did I feel? Guess!

relieved

*sigh*

Guess who else messaged me recently (bizarre coincidence)....D

Mum recently commented to me that I would find someone who will sweep me off my feet one day. I replied 'I already did'. She was surprised and said 'who'.

'D'

She just looked at me. Then said 'ok'.

It was pretty freaky that he had got in touch. I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm well aware that I don't want a normal relationship, but I doubt that is what he would be offering. I know that he won't have changed a bit from what he was like two and a half years ago (yep, it's been that long since we met).

hmmm

could be a dangerous path to walk again. Hazardous for my heart

Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.

Busy-ness

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

progress

A month ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This week...

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Excellent. Still not losing weight, but cm's are good. Been a bit slack re exercise as I hurt my foot on Friday night (sitting at the computer, believe it or not. I think I've pinched a nerve in the top of the foot, very painful), but hope to be back on track within the next few days.

Looks like I've picked up a second job doing cleaning. I have a trial on Wed, but I am confident as I have done this type of work before.

Things are continuing to go well with Titan.

I have been placed on a derby team, I am now a Hellcat :-) Haven't skated for a week, but feel good about playing.

Kids are fine.

Still on a good curve

Yep, things are still looking positive for the most part.

Titan has been spending a bit more time around me and the boys. This does not appear to have deterred him from dating me :-) Last night he asked me if we were in a relationship, I said that I had been calling him my boyfriend and he said he was calling me his girlfriend (I feel about 12 when we have conversations like this). Then he said something about changing the relationship status on Facebook and I laughed and said 'What? It's not official unless it's Facebook official?' I told him that I don't have my relationship status on FB anyway, because my personal life is not the world's business. I told him he could change his if he wanted. He seemed to let it go. Maybe I'll change it on or after Valentine's Day (I don't know why then particularly, maybe cos it seems appropriate). He also mentioned that there were a few little words that he wanted to say to me, but that it felt too soon. I nodded and kissed him, because it is too soon.

Our conversation last night prompted me to sms my ex and let him know I was seeing someone and it was getting serious. He hasn't replied and I don't really expect him to.

A little unpleasantness this week...regarding my 'friend' J and her issue with her partners ex-g, Shiny. Little bit of history here

So lately Shiny has begun participating in contact and scrimmages at training. J has sat on the sidelines and has appeared to laugh when Shiny falls or can't keep up with the pack (even I have trouble with that). J has been making cryptic, but insulting, comments on FB that even a blind man could figure out was referring to Shiny. I spoke to Shiny about the comments and spent some time thinking about J and her disgusting behaviour towards Shiny, and decided I had had enough. So I messaged her on FB. See below...

Hey hon
I've been told that your cryptic posts of late have been referring to Shiny. I know you think she joined derby because of you and Stripey, but it's pretty obvious that she is here for the love of the game only.

She has no problem with you or Stripey and can't understand why you have a problem with her. I can't understand it either anymore. Please explain to me why you still have such a problem with her.

Flame

I have NEVER though that it joined because of us. I hope to fuck it didnt!
Im fucking over the shit that has gorn on since it joined and wish only for a mac truck to come along and take my problems away

Im fucking over this shit, in and out of derby it is making social life impossible and i am well and truly ready to snap.

If it really didnt have a problem, it wouldnt make such a point of ruining any chance we had at a social life we may have had.

You haven't actually said what it is that Shiny has done to offend you so much. The fact that you and her and Stripey move in the same circle of friends can't be helped, but it is your choice to let the matter affect you.

Calling any person 'it' is something I find incredibly offensive and I ask that you stop.

Flame

You really want to know?!
I dont take kindly to being bad mouthed, as it did when joining. Made up stories about me trying to stop it from joining and such bullshit.

I dont take kindly to having someone quite obviously try to get people that are my friends away from me. Of course you wouldnt see that happening because it happened with you aalong with many others. Though I would hope you might notice the fact that we dont get to talk anymore, wonder why that is?!

I also really dont take kindly to someone making up bullshit stories about people I care about. Making up bullshit about Stripey beating her and then telling everyone simply because it is jealous that he has moved on is so fucking wrong and beyond belief.

We have kept our mouths shut about everything that has gorn on because as soon as we start saying anything its seen as us attacking her when thats all it has done since joining.

Quite frankly, I am beyond giving a fuck. I have lost that many friendships with people I cared about because I dont get to see them anymore because we dont make a point of attending everything to brown nose. We have chosen not to attend so that we arent put into situations that we wont like, as well as stopping others from feeling uncomfortable.

And, she is vile and obnoxious. Cant fucking stand being around it.

So you know, she hasn't badmouthed you or Stripey to me, and she has certainly never called you 'it' or anything like that. Clearly, you have a different point of view than I do. You obviously feel very strongly about Shiny and her involvement in derby.

There are others in the league who don't like each other. They see no need to be nasty about each other or avoid social situations because of it.

I don't want to stop being your friend, but your behavior is making it hard to be a friend to you. I have not seen or heard Shiny behave towards you in a way that justifies your extreme dislike, but as I said before, you have a different view on the situation. And as I said before, calling a person 'it' is incredibly offensive to me.

Flame

Sent via Facebook Mobile

nice to know a friend of mine gives a fuck about me.
thanks

Unfortunately, because I haven't seen the behavior from Shiny that you describe, it is difficult for me to support your very obvious dislike of her.

Up till recently I have not let your feelings about Shiny affect my friendship with you, but hearing you badmouth her to other league members, and the fact that you think it is ok to call someone 'it', is of great concern to me.

I am fully aware you have a different view of the situation. You are clearly aware that you have lost friendships since she came. Has it occurred to you that you lost the friendships because of the way you have handled the situation?

This whole mess is disappointing for all involved.

Flame

And that was that. She then started posting cryptic, but insulting, messages on FB that were directed at me. She has lost me as a friend. When I read her first reply, that started with 'I have NEVER thought that it joined because of us', I shook my head. She lodged a grievance about Shiny joining, they had mediation about it, I was on the committee at the time and was well aware of that situation, and here she blatantly lies to me. The reference she makes to Shiny affecting their social life is about a BBQ that was on recently that all three of them were invited to. J and Stripey chose not to go because Shiny was going to be there. It is J that makes people uncomfortable, J that bitches and whines and backstabs. Unfortunately neither her, nor Stripey, want to see it that way. That's their choice and they are going to have to live with the fallout. It will be interesting to see whether they stay with the league.

Now back to good stuff :-)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This weeks measurements are

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

so a total loss of 8cms (3in)!!!! But would you believe I have lost NO weight!

Blech

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech

Smiley face

I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.

I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.

I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.

Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.

My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.

Pretty pleased with myself

I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.

Not so.

In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.

BUT....

I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)

Equals overall - 21cm (8in)

As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.

At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.

I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!

Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.

My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.

No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.

Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.

So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.

About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.

I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.

time to move on

Yesterday I broke it, whatever 'it' is, off with D. I am hurt and disappointed, but I feel stronger for having been the one to make the decision to walk away. I wasted quite a few months hoping for a proper relationship with him. I am not depressed about it, which is a relief, but I am sad. Sad is healthy. I have headed back to the dating site I use and hopefully I will start dating again in the near future, with a much clearer idea of what I want and expect.

I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.

I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.

I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.

Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.

Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.

The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.

I think I did the right thing

Well, I think I did the right thing by stepping back. I hadn't heard from him since yesterday morning, so by tonight I was imagining the worst, lol, then trying to convince myself, based on our last interaction, that I was wrong.

We finally talked tonight and it turns out that his whole week has been absolutely crappy, that he has been feeling really down about his money situation, and feeling like our secure financial future together is a pipe dream. So he hasn't wanted to talk to anyone. He told me how much he appreciated me not sending numerous texts, as he put it 'it would have sent me insane'. PHEW!

Pat on the back for me, lol. It has been sooo hard not to text him, but I did it, and now have the satisfaction of knowing it was the right thing to do, especially at this point in time. So I shall continue.

Something else I need to do is remind myself that he also had a life before I came along, some of which is very important to him. Sometimes I can act very immature, and selfish. He was supposed to go to a car meet this weekend, and when he told me about it last week, I got a little sooky. He said he wouldn't go, but then the money issue happened, so he wasn't coming to see me either (and that I did sook at, badly, and now I am ashamed of my behaviour).

But my backing off gave me a chance to reflect and think. The car meet was clearly important to him, it was something he had organised, it involved alot of people he had known for a long time, and he was now missing out on it.

So when I heard from him today I sent him a message saying that I hoped his weekend had improved and I hoped he had found a way to go to the meet. He had, he is getting a lift up, instead of taking his own car. I then said that I was really pleased to hear he was going, and that he deserved it after his crap week, in reply he sent me a smiley and told me he should be back to normal in the next day or so. I am genuinely glad that he is going. I am glad that we are having a long distance relationship as it is stopping us from consuming each other's lives

So I will continue to repeat to myself 'I am a gorgeous, successful woman, with a great job and lovely kids'. I will walk tall and be proud of who I am. For so long I have let myself be satisfied with settling for something, usually second best. I am changing, developing, refinding myself.

My dance classes are part of my development process. I did ballroom dancing as a child and loved it and have always wanted to go back to it. Well, now I have, and while I am not very good, I do try and I love the feeling I get when I finally 'get' the steps I am suppsed to be doing (mind you, I thin I will be signing up for the beginners course again, sooo not ready for intermediate, lol). Also, getting my bike license is part of my change. It is another thing I have wanted to do for as long as I can remember, and in a couple of weeks I will be going to do my pre-learners course. yay!

Did a stack of unpacking today and rearranged my bedroom. The place is really coming together now. I am exhausted and will be heading to bed shortly. My tiredness is not helped by toddler coming in at 6am to wake me, precious child. We were at the park by 7am, lol, just for an hour. I hung upsidedown on the monkey bars for the first time in years, lol, been awhile since I could lift my body weight enough to do that!

Oh, I have lost 9kgs in as many weeks. So my loss has slowed to a healthy range and I am feeling very good about myself and my progress. I have decided to aim to lose another 15kgs max. Mind you, I will reassess my body with each 5kgs lost. I would like to remain curvy. I have dropped a full dress size now, it is so nice to fit into so much of my clothing, lol. Had to buy new jeans though, because the ones I had kept falling off, literally! And my work clothes! They are so expensive that I have asked mum to take my 7 week old pants in for me in the not too distant future cos I can't afford to buy new ones! I can nearly pull them off without undoing them, and when I bought them they were a firm fit! lol. One of my colleagues is going to bring in some of her work uniform pieces that she no longer fits in to, I am hoping they will tide me over.