Looking back and moving forward

and all that that entails.

I read back on my last few posts, since it's been a while. I'm happy to say the writing bug is still biting, albeit inconsistently lol. I'm working on a long piece of work that has 3 main characters, one of which is a female. The characters are writing themselves and are going in some interesting directions. I think my work needs a dragon tho. Definitely some magic. I had got into a routine of getting up at 6am and writing till 7ish (usually clocked up 350 odd words), but I've fallen out of that habit for a couple of weeks. I could say I'm doing research, since I'm watching a few shows with strong female characters, but I'd know I was lying. I have been reading tho! THat's research right? In the last three months I have read...

*The Martian by Andy Weir - five stars! I want to read it again, soon. Saw the movie and it was pretty good.

*When by Victoria Laurie - five stars! A YA novel, but well worth reading. About a girl who can see peoples' death dates on their foreheads and because of this is implicated in 2 murders.

*The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde - mmm three stars. Interesting look at how friendships can twist and turn and how obsessed people can become with their looks. I've read reviews that say it was a psychological horror story. Maybe I need to read it again because it didn't strike me like that.

*Under the Dome by Stephen King - five stars! Fantastic read and a million times better than the series

*The Liars' Club: A memoir by Mary Karr - five stars! Mary Karr opens up about her childhood, which was quite dysfunctional. A good insight into children coping with abuse and difficult divorce

*The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - four stars. A known classic. A somewhat autobiographical piece. Interesting to watch the character as she loses her way mentally. Could relate to some of her experiences and feelings.

*Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters - four stars. The author's debut novel. Had no idea what the book was about before I started it. Set in the late 1800's. It explores gender roles in the Victorian Era, focussing on lesbian love mostly. A little shocking, a little surprising, definitely interesting.

*Little Stranger by Sarah Waters - four stars. Read this one before Tipping the Velvet. Interesting read, slow-paced. Set in post WWII Warwickshire. Main character is a Dr Faraday, a country Dr who becomes involved with the local gentry. Features a poltergeist (not quite as exciting as you'd hope).

So you can see that my reading has been quite varied :-) I've had a few late nights and may have read at work once or twice.

Ah! Work! So, I did my AIN course, then went ahead and did Enrolled Nursing. My bro did not tag along as he and his lovely fiancee have had not one, but two children in the last 2 yrs! He is the stay at home dad, while Em tutors and goes to uni. Seems to work for the 2 of them but doesn't bring much money in, Anyway, halfway through my EN course I got employed by an agency as an AIN, so I work casual, usually 2 nights a week, on a variety of wards in a variety of hospitals in the local region. For the most part I like the work. I work nights because that is what suits best. I have completed my EN course and now just need to come up with the money to register.

I've had a number of people suggesting I go and do my RN's at uni. I am not at all interested in doing my RN's, but have had trouble convincing a couple of my friends of this. Anyway, the thought of going back to uni did appeal and so I looked at what I was interested in. I've been accepted into a Bachelor of Science, starting next yr. I'm a bit excited about it. If I do well I'll consider a grad dip in forensic science. The uni I am going to used to do a specialty in Forensics, but have ceased that course, much to my annoyance. I'm not prepared to move to Sydney to study Forensics, so will take the long way round, if I do it at all. I plan to major in Biology. I have only told a couple of people, and none of the ones who were pushing me to do RN's. Ugh. How to explain that I'm going to uni for the pleasure of learning rather than in the simple pursuit of yet another career? I don't even know what my goal is by doing this degree. I do think it is funny that once I finish I'll have a Bachelor of Social Science, a Grad Dip of Applied Science, and a Bachelor of Science. Science nerd much LOL!

I can't see myself doing nursing forever. I like it, love aspects of it, but it's hard on the body. My body is, to my disgust, not as young as it once was. I have aches and pains that get in the way of doing some things. Nursing is not a career for a sore body. Maybe I'll go back into libraries, but medical ones. Maybe I'll be a research assistant. I don't know.

The oldest boy left home about 6 months ago. I did not throw a party, cos that would be rude. Love him, but he's caused me so much grief at times that I was not sorry to see him leave. He lives in the area, but I've seen him only twice. He texts me occasionally (very occasionally). Sometimes I text him just to check he is alive. The other two boys don't seem to miss him.

I haven't coped well as a parent this last 18 mths. It hasn't been all bad, but my youngest has missed quite a bit of school, and teen isn't where he should be with his schooling. They get fed, but not always well. They always have clean clothes and a roof over their heads. Anyway, had a bit of a melt down a couple of months ago and called my ex to ask if he would take them on. They're good kids, it's not their behaviour that is the problem, it's all me. I'm just so tired. Exhausted. I feel like everything is a constant struggle and I just wanted it to stop. So they are moving to their dads early next yr. I've shed a lot of tears and had a bit of guilt. Thankfully, my ex is incredibly excited about the prospect of having his boys with him. My youngest is 9 and will get to be a big brother to his half-brothers, who are 5 and 3. Mr 9 is also excited about going to live with his dad and brothers. Teen is ok with it. He sees that there will be more job and training opportunities for him there. I will miss them. It will be weird. In 38 years I have only ever lived alone for 2 months. Mind you, I won't be completely alone as we have a fox terrier and 2 cats. The dog thinks I am amazing (he's right). The cats are cats. I am glad the house won't be echoing with silence.

Back at the gym. It's taken a long time to get there again. My foot took quite a while to heal. I go 3 times a week at the moment, I use the elliptical and the bike and I have just started running again. I also swim sometimes. I want to get back into weights but I have a shoulder issue that is being annoying by not going away (bursitis and nerve impingement). I'll get there tho. I was so proud and excited to be running again. Not fast and not far (best is 2.8 km in 30 mins), but that is ok. I don't want to hurt myself again. I weigh a stupid amount, triple digits, and so my goal is to get back down to double digits again. It's going to take a while and I need to work on my food, and probably exercise every day, but it will happen. In the meantime my focus is mostly on getting my muscles strong.

What else...hmmm...oh. I've been single for 6 mths. Dated a younger guy for about 6 mths (saw him once a week). Broke it off cos his house was a filthy pigsty and he smelt funny. Don't miss him, don't miss dating or anything associated with the same. I am quite happy being single again. I'm not on any sites. As I say to anyone who asks, 'not dating, not looking'. I cut D out of my life completely, I don't know how long ago this was, but I've spent some time healing. He got married a few months ago, to the girl he said he wasn't engaged to. Funny that. I could ruin his marriage, but I won't. I don't care about him any more.

Things are certainly changing for me. It's a roller-coaster ride sometimes, but I'm looking forward and embracing the unknown.

Busy-ness

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

Waiting to see

I met what seems to be a genuinely nice guy today. He is 30, no kids, was in a 9 yr relationship, married for two. Works as a manager at a local supermarket. Has been to Tasmania, QLD, Vietnam and Fiji. Likes fishing, camping and 4wdriving. Is interested in Astronomy. Has a med sized dog called BJ. I like him, enjoyed his company enough to spend 3 hours talking to him and arranged to meet up with him tomorrow night. He is a little taller than me, overweight, has lovely eyes and a nice smile. Seems pretty together and in the same frame of mind as me - life is for living.

I now have new things to add to my 'to do' list
go to Vietnam and Fiji
Snorkelling
Fishing from a boat
Sleeping under the stars
Snuggling on the lounge watching a movie with someone other than my kids

I am not smitten, I am not swooning, and I am not lusting...yet :P

Speaking of all of the above...D
I have not seen him in person for about 3 weeks. I am not bothered by this. I believe he has found himself a girlfriend and I was ready to move on. I realised that I felt like I was in my marriage again - being neglected and feeling more alone in a 'relationship' that when I am not in one. He did not deserve my affection. We have chatted online a couple of times, but as friends now rather than as lovers or anything else. I am comfortable with where things are at now.

Work has finally started to get more interesting and I am looking forward to this week as we start actually serving customers from Thursday. It is a little exciting and scary at the same time.

....

"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." (Cynthia Heimel)

Somewhere in my future is a happy ending. It is not here and now.

I am actually predominantly happy. I am sad about my relationship situation, or lack of, but my life is actually rather good and I feel positive about the future.

My first week in my new job is over. There is alot to take in, but I find it rather easy and I feel good about my participation in my training so far. Definitely did the right thing by not holding out for casual library work, the school rang the other day and offered me work in two weeks, not the regular 2 days per week I had initially expected. I could not have coped with the lack of job security. I do wish that my new job was permanent, but I fully expect to be offered something in the future.

time to move on

Yesterday I broke it, whatever 'it' is, off with D. I am hurt and disappointed, but I feel stronger for having been the one to make the decision to walk away. I wasted quite a few months hoping for a proper relationship with him. I am not depressed about it, which is a relief, but I am sad. Sad is healthy. I have headed back to the dating site I use and hopefully I will start dating again in the near future, with a much clearer idea of what I want and expect.

I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.

I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.

I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.

Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.

Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.

The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

I hope that made you laugh like it made me laugh.

Well, I wrote nearly two weeks ago. Things have changed a little.

I am moving closer to mum in June. I visited her recently and was not impressed with how she is looking and sounding. I have been reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it anyway' and it prompted me to take the step. I feel calm since, and comfortable with my decision. I will give notice at work once I come back from NZ. I think work will be gutted, I have done some good things there, but the time has come for me to move on. Funny how I have had a complete turn around, from thinking I would be there forever, to not really minding that I shall be leaving within a couple of months. The kids are excited about moving closer to my bros.

I have cooled things with S. I like him as a friend, but that is it.

Things with D have picked up again. Going to take it reeeaaal slow this time and not get quite so caught up in the emotions. I must say, how I feel for him has not changed, and I get the definite impression from him that he is the same. It is scary and amazing that we cannot seem to let go of each other. I think we need to spend some real time together to really see if there is a future for us. Spending time in person is different to online and texting.

I went and saw the movie 'He's just not into you' last Friday. Fantastic chick flick, absolutely loved it. Cinema was filled with women and we all interacted with the movie, saying 'awwww' and 'oh no' at certain times. One of the characters was bemoaning todays technology and I can't say I completely disagree.

Once upon a time you only had letters to communicate your love....then phones. Phones were a wonderful invention. But then we got greedy and created mobiles, so we are accessible ALL the time...then all these social networking sites, etc etc. Now we can get rejected in so many different ways. Apparently most people are now dumped/rejected via MSN Messenger and SMS. Sad isn't it. In some ways I wish it was back to just phones. I liken emails to love letters, so they can be nice to have too, but all this availability has made women more obsessive. So now we check our emails five times a day, have our phone on us constantly and check to see if it is working (because he still hasn't called...), log into messenger every chance we get, check our Facebook page, check our Myspace page, check his Myspace page.........but we aren't desperate.

go figure

Sigh.

Goddammit......oh, it isn't so bad I guess....

I am heartsick over D. I miss him incredibly. We have had almost no contact for about 3 weeks and most of the time I am ok, well, when I am busy I am ok. But in those moments when life is quiet memories of him rise up and overwhelm me and I find myself wishing for him to be back in my life.

I spend time with S and find myself thinking of D almost the entire time. I am glad that S and I are just friends because to be more than that with him would be a lie.

I am going to NZ in 18 days. I am so excited by this, to have this momentous event ticked off my list would be awesome. When I get back I will be counting down to the Pink concert in July, then I will be counting down to the day I move closer to my mum.

Mum is rather excited by the thought of having me a bit closer, not sure why, lol. Personally, I am concerned about her health, I don't think she is telling me everything I need to know. I do get some feedback from my brothers and they say she is pretty stressed and gets headaches that flatten her for a day or two. I would like to have a job to go to up there, but if it gets to October (when my lease runs out) and I don't, I will move up anyway by the time Term 4 ends, and maybe work with mum for a bit till I get work. She has a cleaning business and I know she would welcome the help.

The kids have settled in to a new year of school. Scott is in Year 8 and I am praying for a better year this year. I am sitting with him now while he completes some homework (title pages, is there really a point to these?). We have spent an hour on Maths work, this is his particular weakness and an area I will push him in this year. So far he is happy with his teachers and his buddy who was a major distraction last year is only in three of his classes.

Work is good. Been really busy last week, and this week is looking to be the same. Got welcomed back by more of my parents today, such a good feeling. My schedule is getting busier as I get in touch with more of my outreach places (or they call me) and as I continue to prepare for upcoming weeks (particularly the time when I am away).

My weight...hmmm...not sure I want to talk about it. I think I have put on at least two kilos. Not happy with myself about falling off the wagon. Only I can make the changes needed though.