In a happier place

The last time I wrote, Teen and I were looking forward to seeing a Psychiatrist and moving forward with all that had been happening. What a joke that turned out to be. Apparently we were referred to yet another Psychologist for a second opinion on Teen's possible Schizophrenia, not for an ADHD assessment at all. So we spent an hour in there going over the same things with no outcome except confirmation that he did not have Schizophrenia. When I asked the Psych at the end what our options were he told me that if we saw a Psychiatrist then Teen would be put onto medication. Neither Teen nor I are keen on that idea so we walked out of there with nothing.

So now what? I am working on giving him more hugs and saying 'I love you' again like I used to before I got so caught up in fear and anger. He actually appears to have calmed down a fair bit, I don't know why but will enjoy it while it lasts. I am reading up on boys/teens and trying to understand what is happening for him right now. There are challenging moments.

This morning I go to make the lunches for school. I open the fridge to get some grapes for No.2's lunch, and can't find them. I ask the boys if they know where the grapes are. Teen says 'I ate them'.

He ate a kilo of grapes. They were supposed to last the week and be used in lunches. I called him a selfish bastard and told him they were supposed to be for lunches for the week. He was stuck on how awesome it was that he ate a whole kilo of grapes.

sigh

In other news...I skated yesterday. Actually, that is the end of the story lol. I decided about 2 weeks ago that I was going to get back on skates again. I was at training and depressed about watching the girls and not being out there. So I did some research, talked to heaps of people, and decided to work on my health and fitness and see if that made enough of a difference for me to get back out on skates.

So Monday 17th Jan I started going to the gym again. I think I went 3 times that week and did 30 mins on the stationary bike, 10 mins on the Elliptical Trainer. The following week I put a program on my iPhone that allows you to record exercise and calories (it's basically a diary of your food and exercise) and I began to keep a close eye on what I was putting in vs what I was putting out. I continued to do 25-30 mins bike + 10 mins elliptical and was careful with my calorie allowance. I am on 1540 cals (6300kj) per day. The session on the bike and elliptical gives me another 500 cals to play with, so I can actually have around 2000cals per day. It has actually been really easy to stay under that figure.

By keeping a food diary that lists the cals in food I can decide whether I want to waste 225cals on a Cadbury Picnic Bar, or instead have some Apricot lollies that I like, get a sugar fix from them, but only use 160 cals. A choice I made recently - I was craving a meat pie. I checked to see what the cal value was - around 500cals! My craving was not worth a third of my daily allowance, so I opted for a Beef cup a soup and two bread rolls instead (about 300cals), and was satisfied for the rest of the afternoon. On Sunday I knew I was going to have McDonalds, so I made sure I had a light breakfast and lunch, did some exercise, and was able to have Macca's guilt free (although it did make me feel a bit sick).

Anyway...as of today I have lost 1kg and dropped 2cms off both my hips and waist. I found this post which shows where I was at Dec 2009. If you don;t want to read it I have noted the figures for Oct/Dec below.

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

My current measurements are...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

So I now know that I am currently heavier than I was Oct 09. It's there in black and white. It goes to show how easy it is to let yourself go. Right now my scales say I am 99kgs. In Oct/Dec 09 I think I was about 95kgs. My goal weight is 80kgs.

Back to the matter of skating. I've been off skates since the day at the Foreshore when the shin splints were agony. I have focussed on lots of stretching and doing low or no impact exercise. Yesterday I went for a gentle skate at the Foreshore with the kids. I was on my skates for an hour, but probably only spent 30mins intensively skating. I had no pain while skating, and only slight discomfort for an hour or so afterwards (I should have stretched but didn't as I was rushing around at home getting tea organised). I feel very good about this and feel positive that what I am doing is working for me. I have set a target of a month of off skate training, with a bit of social/casual skating here and there. I realise that I will have the shin splints for life and that what is important is to listen to my body and rest it when it needs resting, stretch when I need to stretch, and say 'no' if I feel I can't do an activity, such as pacelines. I am going to try Orthotic inserts and when I have the money I will see a Physio. I want to be back out skating again. I want to be on a team and bouting again.

Love life...smiley face. Three weeks ago I met a man we shall call Titan. We spent 3hrs talking and could have kept going but I had to be elsewhere. He asked me on an official date and well...we had our 5th date last Sat. Each time we get together we spend hours talking and getting to know each other. We're not rushing, both of us have been hurt before and want to take it easy. He's met the boys, he's actually already met Little Boy before, as he works in Child Care and had done some casual work at Little Boy's daycare center. The boys were impressed by his height (6ft 2in yum yum) and that he looks kind of buff (he goes to the gym pretty regularly and looks after himself most of the time).

I like him. He is a family man, very protective of his twin sister, who has cerebral palsy. He's been close to death, he had a surgical operation 3yrs ago that put him in a coma that no one thought he would come out of. He had to re-learn how to walk and talk again, not right from scratch tho, it was more about reminding his neurons what they were supposed to do. It prompted him to have a career change, he was a process worker before the accident and decided after that he wanted to go into child care, a job he had wanted to do since highschool. He is affectionate, but not overly so. He texts, but not too much. He compliments me when he sees me. He feels safe talking to me. He can't spell too well and his grammar is a bit poor, but I actually don't care. He's never been married but has had 3 relationships that lasted over 1yr, the longest was 4yrs. He does want children of his own, so I have had to have a good think about whether I was prepared to go down that road again. I like how I feel when I am around him, I enjoy his company and I would like to continue seeing him.

Possible negatives - he has told me that he can have a bit of a temper at times. He has told me that there has been times when he has been pretty depressed. He is on anti depressants and he says they have made a huge difference to his attitude and perspective. Nothing unusual really.

Life is looking pretty good at the moment.

disturbed

example of brief interaction with teen...

Teen: mum, do we have any polystyrene?

Me: no

Teen: what about the boxes in the garage?

Me: no, they store my craft mags cos they are waterproof

Teen: The top one is empty

Me: That's because I used it for christmas drinks. When it dries out the mags are going back in there

Teen: (silence)

The next day...

Teen: do you have any polystyrene I can have

Me: no.......why?

Teen: I want to make napalm

Me: (be silent, walk away, deep breaths, don't cry)

________________________________________________________________

Yesterday he broke a window in the garage. He seemed to be having fun. I lost it at him. I kept it brief, walked away, and barely spoke to him for the rest of the afternoon.

Christmas Eve

I wish you all the best. I hope you and any loved ones have a safe and happy holiday season.

Took Teen to the GP who had a good old chat to both of us, read over the report from the psych and supported her opinion that Teen has ADHD, but remained skeptical about the Schizophrenia. Since there is almost no question about the ADHD (insert parental guilt here) we have been referred to the Mental Health Services here and I am now waiting on a call from them to set up an appointment.

I wish my pride had not stopped me from seeking help for Teen sooner...five or more years ago really. Right now I worry about his future. I can see that now the process has begun there is some hope for his future...but still.

My brothers are a good example of how I don't want Teen to end up. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, because I seem quite different from all of them. My brothers are all younger than me. L is 28, has not had a job in about 5yrs, sits at home on his computer playing games or watching tv, has had drug problems in the past, has not had a girlfriend in about 9yrs, has no real prospects. A is nearly 21, is heavy into alcohol and drugs, has not held down a job for more than a couple of months since he left highschool. H has ADD and mild Aspergers, he is 19, and also a drug user, although apparently not as bad as A, has never had a job and was unable to complete highschool.

These are the men in the periphery of my Teen's life. Combine that with over hormonal peers, a dad who struggles with interactive parenting and a mother at her wit's end and the prospects for Teen don't look so great either.

So I am placing alot of hope in the treatment that I expect Teen to receive in the New Year. Please God, let it produce positive results.

So...tomorrow is Christmas. I am thankful that my mum has made it to her second Christmas since getting sick. We did not expect her to make it to the first. My brother A is behaving badly towards mum at the moment, so if he comes to lunch tomorrow things may be a little tense. This has been the poorest Christmas I can ever remember. I actually haven't bought the boys anything yet, I just have not had any money. They are at their dad's for Christmas, so I get an extra week to go present shopping (yay for crazy Christmas Sales).

I am tired of drama. There has been such alot of it these last few months, at my home, at derby, at mum's. I would love a little peace. Actually, with the boys away at their dad's for Christmas, it has been rather peaceful :-) I put Teen on the train yesterday. He and his bro's will be back Monday week.

I read back over this year's posts...all 15 of them lol. It's been a really tough year. A stressful year, a money poor year, a year of worry. I hope 2011 brings some happiness. I hope I remember to write about all the good stuff that I know happens.

Be safe