An unexpected turn of events

well, that's life, isn't it? Always throwing you a curve ball when you least expect it.

In my case, it started with two emails.

I woke up Monday morning to find I had not one, but two emails from D.

Now, for me to go back and locate the posts regarding him would be time consuming, so let me sum it up fairly quickly.

We met online late 2008, met in person after chatting online for a couple of weeks. Instant attraction for both of us. Attempted a long distance relationship for a couple of months, it didn't work. Lots of tears and heartbreak ensued. Couple of months later, back on again, a couple of months go by, then off again and so on and so forth for the next couple of years. Yep...years. In that time I moved to his city, where my mother also lived and she was unwell.

Then I was given information in 2011 that led me to believe he was engaged. I confronted him, he denied it. Later he came back and said it was true. It was at this point that I fell to pieces and all the effort I'd made to keep my life moving forwards ground to a complete halt. He was not the only issue I was having in my life, but his statement destroyed what little strength I had left. Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll find I was on medication for major depression, failing uni (I had to quit), unable to go to derby or have anything to do with it, sleeping excessively, barely surviving. He turns up on my doorstep and tells me he lied.  My brain struggles to process this. Let's just say that the on again, off again relationship continues, but is more off than on.

Last year we had a 5 month 'off again'. The next time it was 6 months.

Then the emails land in my inbox.

I don't read them. I see them there and I know what they say. They say 'I miss you' and 'I have always loved you' and 'I'm sorry, I know I hurt you'. See, it's not the first time that I've received emails like this from him. I have a folder in my email account just for him. Remember the days when we had real love letters and we would keep them and wrap a ribbon round them, and every now and then we'd take them out and hold them and remember? Well, that is my folder. I can't wrap a ribbon round it, and I can't hold it, but I can look at it sitting there and remember.

I continue my morning routine. All the time I am thinking of these emails, thinking about what they signify. I do school lunches, I get kids to school, I go to the gym, all the while thinking.

What am I thinking? Quite simple really. He wants to be back in my life and I have to decide whether I want that to happen.

I've been on my own for a while now. I quite like it. It's uncomplicated, mostly smooth sailing. Having him back in my life actually wouldn't change much, other than making time for him now and then. We no longer have a particularly demanding 'relationship'. Over the years I have learnt not to bother being demanding, and he never was. We meet, we talk, we sleep together, he goes home. We text a little. It's not really complicated. I could say that I make it complicated with my accusations and my fears and the anger that raises its' ugly head when my 'expectations' have not been met.

I'm getting too old for the drama. Getting set in my ways so that I can't envision actually living with a partner.

Home from the gym, I have a shower, then soak my aching muscles in a hot bath. There's a knock at the door that I ignore, I just assume it's Jehovah's Witnesses. A little voice in the back of my head whispers 'No, it's D.' Still, I don't rush out because I'm not dressed. I keep thinking.

Later, I'm in the kitchen getting breakfast when there's a knock on my door. I go to the door and see it is D. I feel no surprise at all. I simply say hello and let him in, telling him that I'm just getting something ready if he wants to sit down. He tells me he came by earlier, that he thought he'd try one more time before heading home.

He tells me his heart is beating a million miles an hour. I am calm. So very very calm. I can't explain this. We talk for hours, about many different things. I read the emails while he is there because he asks me to. They say what I expected them to. He reiterates what he wrote, tells me how he has been feeling for the last few months, asks me if there's any hope. Asks me if I still care for him, love him even.

I cannot say 'love' to him. There is too much hurt, too much disappointment. We reminisce about the first time we met in person, how intense it was. Care for him? Yes. I had missed him at times. A song would come on and it would trigger a memory or I'd drive past his old workplace and think of him. He was a memory, albeit a bittersweet one.

And now he is back. I can't make him any promises and I ask none of him. I think we are beyond that now. We've known each other for so long that some things don't matter. Accepting him as the flawed human that he is, and knowing my own weaknesses, will be the key to this working at all.

On another note...

My mum goes in to hospital tomorrow. Today I spent a lovely day with her and my uncle. If she doesn't make it through the surgery, at least I know she loved me.

Dating

sigh...
so for three years, off and on, I have made my way into the online dating world and attempted to find that which eludes me - enjoyable intimate masculine company.

Don't get me wrong, I like men, but from arms length. They often smell good, look good, and are fun to be around. But step into the dating world and you are faced with reality.

Men are quite simply motivated by their appendages.

I'm not unattractive. I'm not every man's cup of tea, but I do all right. I look young for my age and that seems to be particularly appealing. Online, I make sure I am polite, I try to present well (nice pics, but realistic ones taken within the last year), I make sure that my profile is truthful. Yet I seem to attract fat men, who are generally living with their parents, and are quite often bald/balding. Their pictures often don't match the real person. By the time they are in their mid 30's, these men seem to be experiencing the first part of their mid life crisis. The ones I meet have experienced the failure of marriage, often have a child or two they see on alternate weekends, may or may not have a steady job. Their conversation revolves around their failed relationships and access issues, although usually I manage to steer into another direction with some well placed questions, or a total subject change.

I'm not completely adverse to all of this. I can appreciate what it is to experience a poor relationship, but I will be forever thankful that my ex and I communicate well enough and are flexible enough in our schedules that access issues have never occurred. I'm also not a total bitch and have always considered it important that daddy spends time with his kids. I have always preferred to rent than live with my mother, because I prefer my independence over 'running home to mummy'. I have always tried to be working, because something is better than nothing. I don't sit there and moan about my relationship because that's nobody's business but mine and my ex's.

I'm not skinny, but I'm working on it and I dress appropriately for my size (except at derby lol). I don't make 'model style' efforts in my appearance - no fake nails/hair/eye colour/tan. I wear very little make up, I don't fuss over my hair. I present my self in person as the person that you will see most days. Why pretend? I'm not a party person, I rarely drink, I don't smoke or do drugs. I have difficulties with large crowds and dislike being in unfamiliar places where getting lost is likely. I'm not particularly interested in sports, or what's on television. I'd rather read a book. In conversation, I am attentive, interested, curious. I want to know this person who I have agreed to meet. I want to see if there are things we have in common that can create the basis for a future relationship. So, Mr, don't tell me you go to the gym, or bush walk, or camp, if you did it once six months ago. That's not you. That is an image you have chosen to present online, in the hope it will attract a woman. Don't use a photo that is 3 - 6 years old, because it is OBVIOUS the first time we meet. Be interested in what I have to say, instead of asking token questions because you know that is what is expected of you. Appreciate the fact that I have children and cannot go out at the drop of a hat.

I don't want to be wined and dined. I want to DO something! I want to be intrigued, and entertained.

I don't want to meet you for a drink, and have you hit on me as we go our separate ways, even when I've indicated that my kids are at home waiting for me. When I say I am not much of a drinker, I'd like you to listen and NOT ask me out for drinks again the next night. I don't want to meet you for a coffee and have you decide that that entitles you to send me slightly 'sexy' texts, and when I ask you to stop because I barely know you, you say you were only joking and it's just your humour...and you don't stop. I don't want to have a nice first evening with you (conversation and a few drinks), go our separate ways, then have you text me about how lonely you are and could I come over tomorrow night to keep you company. When I suggest that dinner would be nice, I don't want you to write back and suggest pizza and drinks...in your hotel room. I don't want to have you keep asking me if I am seeing someone else, when you have no claim to me.

When you boil it right down...I'm looking for the impossible. An intelligent man who I find attractive, who smells nice, dresses tidily. A man who is interested and interesting. A man who is attentive without being clingy, who is comfortable with his own company. A man who will encourage me out of my comfort zone with activities, but who will support me when I can only see black around me.

Honestly, I don't think I am capable of having a relationship with someone. I am intolerant and bitchy, over critical and dismissive. I have a short attention span, and actually get bored on dates because it's just the same old same old. I also get bored with the texting, because it's the same old same old. It all boils down to sex, and I get tired of it. I sigh! I am disappointed to be proven right when that first text comes through within a day or two of our first meet. The man I dated last yr, the one that ended in Nov, was the closest I had come to finding something that could work. However, he was physically old and uninterested in treating life as an adventure. Also, he embarrassed me in public and that goes down like a tonne of bricks.

sigh. The words 'Forever Alone' keep echoing in my head.

Baby steps

I self analyse a lot. I do it less than I did before the meds, but I still do it.

So I was driving along in my car the other day, thinking about what I was like before the meds and something occurred to me....

If I had got help 4yrs ago, if I had been willing to go onto medication then or even way back 10 yrs ago when I miscarried and fell into depression for the first time, I may still be married to my husband today.

Yes, you read that right. I feel that my depression was actually what killed us once and for all. I remember how incredibly miserable I was, how irrational, how I felt there was no future etc etc. Now that I know what my head feels like when I am not in the throes of severe depression, I realise that my irrationality played a very significant role in my belief that there was no option but to walk away.

This makes me sad. It's not something I could ever tell my ex, or my current partner. I am seeing my bestie soon and I think I shall chat to her about it. I mentioned it to the Psych, and she seemed to agree.

I discussed past relationships with my Psych last week, and as a result had a bad couple of days. Discussing D was distressing and left me unsettled. That and the realisation about my marriage meant that I was not feeling so great about things. It affected my ability to chat to my humble hero when he phoned the next night and I actually cut our conversation really short and got off the phone. He thought I was upset with him, but we had a big chat about it the next day when I was feeling better and we got it sorted.

wtf moments

But first....

So on the 28th Feb my measurements were

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

and today they were

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Wow, I am impressed, another 7cms :-) I weighed in yesterday and had lost 1.5kg in two weeks :-) had also lost another 0.6% body fat. This is good. Still not getting to the gym to exercise, but have modified my eating and that seems to be making the difference at the moment.

And now to what my title refers to...

I had left Titan as a friend on my Facebook because it felt awkward to delete him. I wish I had, because he would post on my Wall and kept adding friends of mine. I got to the point where enough was enough and made a comment about 'looking forward to dinner' (I was actually looking forward to dinner, but was having it at a derby meeting with a whole group of people). He said 'that's nice, who with?' I replied 'if I had wanted to say who, I would have'. He then texted me to say if I was dating someone he would stop trying to see me

wtf??

I wasn't even aware he was trying to see me. I had certainly never given him any indication that I was interested in seeing him again. I replied 'yes' (yes, I did lie to make him go away), he abused me and that was that. Later I discovered he had deleted me from Facebook. How did I feel? Guess!

relieved

*sigh*

Guess who else messaged me recently (bizarre coincidence)....D

Mum recently commented to me that I would find someone who will sweep me off my feet one day. I replied 'I already did'. She was surprised and said 'who'.

'D'

She just looked at me. Then said 'ok'.

It was pretty freaky that he had got in touch. I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm well aware that I don't want a normal relationship, but I doubt that is what he would be offering. I know that he won't have changed a bit from what he was like two and a half years ago (yep, it's been that long since we met).

hmmm

could be a dangerous path to walk again. Hazardous for my heart

Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.

Busy-ness

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

continued progress

Last weeks measurements were...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

This week...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 106 (41.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 67 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

Good to see that I am still dropping cm's off my waist. I had a pretty bad food/exercise week over the last week, so am glad I dropped anything at all.

Last Friday I went to derby training feeling very nervous and unsure of myself. Friday night is Scrimmage night and was to be my first time being fully involved in training for about 6mths. I was nervous about my performance, and worried about my legs. I had prepared my legs by lathering on Deep Heat and wearing a set of knee high Skins.

Silly me :-)

Performance wise, there is plenty of room for improvement, but I did as well as can be expected. My legs...were fine!!!!! I was so incredibly happy. I skated off and on for two hours and had only the minor discomfort that goes with doing an intense exercise. Yay!!!! All the hard work of the last few weeks is paying off.

My next goal is the Tough Bloke (Chick) Challenge, so now my attention is on building up my upper body strength and getting my running going again. I have about 3.5 months to train for the 6km course. I believe it's split into a 3km run, 1km obstacles, 2km run.

I did the C25K Wk1 Day1 today (resulted in a 2.5km walk/jog) and struggled a little bit, but did complete it. I can feel a slight twinge in my right leg which indicates I need to stretch a bit more, but the shin splints are not an issue.

I have a physio appt tomorrow. Will have a chat about my exercise and stretches and maybe find out about strapping.

Titan - well, as I had discovered in previous dating experiences, 6wks is about how long it takes for the less pretty side of a person to come out. I have found he is a bit of a whiner. He is also as self-indulgent as I was, maybe more so as he will actually drive down late at night to get chocolate or coke, whereas I will only get it if I am out already. He wants to discuss my diet with me and tells me I shouldn't have had that meat pie yesterday even though I did more than enough exercise to allow myself it, yet he will eat an entire pizza even when he has not done any exercise for a couple days. I dislike hypocrites and I have said that to him a couple times (maybe his intention is for me to see it as support and encouragement, but I don't).

He is a big fan of the Snooze button, which I think is a waste of time and is just lying to yourself - you set the alarm for when you are going to get up, not for when you think you might get up.

He doesn't seem to remember when I tell him something. This could actually be a memory problem related to his coma. Example - he's been dating me for 6wks, I have attended the gym regularly in that time. The only day I go at 5.30am is on Mondays, because I have Little Boy at home all day and it's the only time I can fit it in. Every other day I go sometime during the day. I know Titan and I have talked about this, at least a couple of times, yet he texts me early this morning and asks me why I wasn't at the gym...another example - training on Fridays goes from 7-9pm. I have told him this a few times. I have told him I don't get home till at least 10pm. So he texts me Fri night and asks me what time I will be home...when I tell him, again, he whines about wanting to spend more time together.

So yeh, none of these are worth breaking up over, but they are irritants. I am happy with the amount of time we spend together, which is about two nights per week plus Sat. He would like more. He would also like to say the 'L' word, but is holding back cos he wants me to say it first. I'm not in a rush to do that.

Gah...relationships are hard work.

smiley face

ok, so I bit the bullet after a lovely weekend with Titan, and I made us Facebook official (insert many lol's here). He met my mum and bro's on the weekend and I think he made a good impression.

Two weeks ago my measurements were...

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

And this weeks measurements are...

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 125 (49)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

So in two weeks I have dropped 2cms off my bust, 6cms off my waist and 3cms off my hips, 1cm from my thighs and 2cms from my arms...a total of 14cms (5.5inches). WOO!!!! I am nearly back to what I was Oct 2009!

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

The scales still tell me I'm heavier than then, but the cm's are more accurate and more motivating. Give me a week and I reckon I will be back there and then the below numbers will be my aim

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

*happy dance*

Still on a good curve

Yep, things are still looking positive for the most part.

Titan has been spending a bit more time around me and the boys. This does not appear to have deterred him from dating me :-) Last night he asked me if we were in a relationship, I said that I had been calling him my boyfriend and he said he was calling me his girlfriend (I feel about 12 when we have conversations like this). Then he said something about changing the relationship status on Facebook and I laughed and said 'What? It's not official unless it's Facebook official?' I told him that I don't have my relationship status on FB anyway, because my personal life is not the world's business. I told him he could change his if he wanted. He seemed to let it go. Maybe I'll change it on or after Valentine's Day (I don't know why then particularly, maybe cos it seems appropriate). He also mentioned that there were a few little words that he wanted to say to me, but that it felt too soon. I nodded and kissed him, because it is too soon.

Our conversation last night prompted me to sms my ex and let him know I was seeing someone and it was getting serious. He hasn't replied and I don't really expect him to.

A little unpleasantness this week...regarding my 'friend' J and her issue with her partners ex-g, Shiny. Little bit of history here

So lately Shiny has begun participating in contact and scrimmages at training. J has sat on the sidelines and has appeared to laugh when Shiny falls or can't keep up with the pack (even I have trouble with that). J has been making cryptic, but insulting, comments on FB that even a blind man could figure out was referring to Shiny. I spoke to Shiny about the comments and spent some time thinking about J and her disgusting behaviour towards Shiny, and decided I had had enough. So I messaged her on FB. See below...

Hey hon
I've been told that your cryptic posts of late have been referring to Shiny. I know you think she joined derby because of you and Stripey, but it's pretty obvious that she is here for the love of the game only.

She has no problem with you or Stripey and can't understand why you have a problem with her. I can't understand it either anymore. Please explain to me why you still have such a problem with her.

Flame

I have NEVER though that it joined because of us. I hope to fuck it didnt!
Im fucking over the shit that has gorn on since it joined and wish only for a mac truck to come along and take my problems away

Im fucking over this shit, in and out of derby it is making social life impossible and i am well and truly ready to snap.

If it really didnt have a problem, it wouldnt make such a point of ruining any chance we had at a social life we may have had.

You haven't actually said what it is that Shiny has done to offend you so much. The fact that you and her and Stripey move in the same circle of friends can't be helped, but it is your choice to let the matter affect you.

Calling any person 'it' is something I find incredibly offensive and I ask that you stop.

Flame

You really want to know?!
I dont take kindly to being bad mouthed, as it did when joining. Made up stories about me trying to stop it from joining and such bullshit.

I dont take kindly to having someone quite obviously try to get people that are my friends away from me. Of course you wouldnt see that happening because it happened with you aalong with many others. Though I would hope you might notice the fact that we dont get to talk anymore, wonder why that is?!

I also really dont take kindly to someone making up bullshit stories about people I care about. Making up bullshit about Stripey beating her and then telling everyone simply because it is jealous that he has moved on is so fucking wrong and beyond belief.

We have kept our mouths shut about everything that has gorn on because as soon as we start saying anything its seen as us attacking her when thats all it has done since joining.

Quite frankly, I am beyond giving a fuck. I have lost that many friendships with people I cared about because I dont get to see them anymore because we dont make a point of attending everything to brown nose. We have chosen not to attend so that we arent put into situations that we wont like, as well as stopping others from feeling uncomfortable.

And, she is vile and obnoxious. Cant fucking stand being around it.

So you know, she hasn't badmouthed you or Stripey to me, and she has certainly never called you 'it' or anything like that. Clearly, you have a different point of view than I do. You obviously feel very strongly about Shiny and her involvement in derby.

There are others in the league who don't like each other. They see no need to be nasty about each other or avoid social situations because of it.

I don't want to stop being your friend, but your behavior is making it hard to be a friend to you. I have not seen or heard Shiny behave towards you in a way that justifies your extreme dislike, but as I said before, you have a different view on the situation. And as I said before, calling a person 'it' is incredibly offensive to me.

Flame

Sent via Facebook Mobile

nice to know a friend of mine gives a fuck about me.
thanks

Unfortunately, because I haven't seen the behavior from Shiny that you describe, it is difficult for me to support your very obvious dislike of her.

Up till recently I have not let your feelings about Shiny affect my friendship with you, but hearing you badmouth her to other league members, and the fact that you think it is ok to call someone 'it', is of great concern to me.

I am fully aware you have a different view of the situation. You are clearly aware that you have lost friendships since she came. Has it occurred to you that you lost the friendships because of the way you have handled the situation?

This whole mess is disappointing for all involved.

Flame

And that was that. She then started posting cryptic, but insulting, messages on FB that were directed at me. She has lost me as a friend. When I read her first reply, that started with 'I have NEVER thought that it joined because of us', I shook my head. She lodged a grievance about Shiny joining, they had mediation about it, I was on the committee at the time and was well aware of that situation, and here she blatantly lies to me. The reference she makes to Shiny affecting their social life is about a BBQ that was on recently that all three of them were invited to. J and Stripey chose not to go because Shiny was going to be there. It is J that makes people uncomfortable, J that bitches and whines and backstabs. Unfortunately neither her, nor Stripey, want to see it that way. That's their choice and they are going to have to live with the fallout. It will be interesting to see whether they stay with the league.

Now back to good stuff :-)

Last weeks measurements were

Bust 118 (46.5in)

Waist 114 (45)

Hips 128 (50.5)

Thighs 69 (27)

Arms 41 (16)

This weeks measurements are

Bust 116 (45.5)

Waist 112 (44)

Hips 127 (50)

Thighs 68 (26.5)

Arms 39 (15.5)

so a total loss of 8cms (3in)!!!! But would you believe I have lost NO weight!

searching for the positives...

Truly, I am, but they seem few and far between.

It's amazing how lonely you can feeling when standing in the midst of friends.

What is it about being single that makes a person feel incomplete? Why is there this overpowering need/want/desire to have somebody to share life with? Why is it that some people seem perfectly happy with their singular status? Is it fake? Is it extreme selfishness?

It's amazing how alone you can feel when dealing with the many burdens of life. How each little event just piles up, all the while so does the washing, and the dishes, and the rest of the household jobs that seem too much to deal with. Friends are there, but they can't ease the burden, or you think your burden isn't enough to bother them with, or your pride gets in the way, so you don't ask for help.

Took Teen back to psychologist for the results from some written tests we had done. She discussed the findings with us, had some one on one time with Teen, called me back in the room and stated that she felt that while he does appear to have ADHD, she actually believed he showed signs of Schizophrenia. She then apologised.

sigh

We're off to the GP next week to have chat to him and see what our options are. I want to get Teen extensively tested to ensure that it is Schizoprehia and not ADHD. The diagnosis by the Psychologist is unconfirmed, it is an opinion rather than a fact (although the test results were pretty damning).

Needless to say I spent the next couple of days after the 'diagnosis' reading up on it, and then crying off and on. I told my mum about what we had been doing. I started off by saying Teen and I had been going to a Psychologist and that she had initially felt he was ADHD, my mum stopped me there and said 'Can I just say I told you so?'

bitch

I burst into tears at that comment. Told her to shut up and let me tell the rest of the story. She did, and I did, and then we chatted about it for the next couple hours, with me crying off and on just from the stress of all of it, and the fear for his future. She was kind of reassuring. One of my brothers has learning disabilities and so mum has dealt with the mental health unit, and with local Dr's and the like, so she had a bit of useful info. She offered to take Teen off my hands now and then so that I could have a break, and this is something I really appreciated as it can be challenging having him around (as previous posts can attest to).

I posted on my Facebook recently...

ok, so you know how the saying is 'God only gives you as much as you can handle'? Well, God, you can stop giving now, please. I need a break...

I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what I am going to have to deal with next. Then I get up and I handle whatever 'it' is.

In my selfish moments I wonder if I will ever find a man who will willingly take on me and my kids. I feel the possibility creeping further and further away. A friend said to me last night 'You are so awesome, I love you!' and I said to her, 'Why is it only women ever say that to me? Where is there a man who will see it, recognise it, and love me too?'

I think that was too much thinking for her grog addled brain lol.

The Derby AGM has been and gone and was nowhere near as painful as expected. Actually, it was pretty painless. I think my report was the longest one, I talked for about 10 minutes, answered a couple of uncomplicated questions, and was done. There has been a few changes in the make up of the Exec and general committees, but it looks to be people who will be good in the roles. The next year will be interesting.

We had our Derby Xmas Party last night and I went, had a meal, chatted to a few people, and found myself wishing I was at home with a good book. I was kind of bored.

I have a derby friend who I am struggling to be friends with at the moment, I shall call her J. She is a challenging personality, in that she is very...how do I describe her...full on...hmmm, yeh I guess that's the best I can do. J has mood swings, takes minor things personally, acts inappropriately at times (like at the AGM, I was sitting talking serious Derby business with a colleague and she sat across from me and threw a bit of paper at me. I actually told her off, I said 'now is not the time or place for this' and frowned at her. She got all sulky and opened up the piece of paper and showed me that it said 'I love you', and I said 'that's sweet, but now is really not the time'. It actually really irritated me). She is not well liked in the league. I persist with the friendship because I do like her at times, but lately her sulkiness and her rudeness is getting a little worse, and I am getting a little less tolerant (with all the shit I have to deal with, her's does not even rate). The most current...

J's boyfriend is a ref with the league. His ex-girlfriend, let's call her Shiny, joined (at least 6 mths ago, maybe longer). Shiny is not interested in J's boyfriend. Way back when Shiny joined, J chucked a tanty about the ex-g joining, went on and on about how this girl joined just to piss her off. That drama got settled, somewhat, and J and Shiny ignore each other at training and events and move in a different crowd. J gets the shits if her boyfriend talks to the ex-g. I am friends with Shiny, she is a funny, nice girl. I refuse to take sides (not that the Shiny asks it of me, she could care less about J). I think J doesn't handle the fact that people in general like Shiny. Shiny is also on the General Committee and is very good at the role she has. J, on the other hand, has managed to screw up the two committee positions she has held in the last year (because of her behaviour).

Anyway, I was out with J the other night, with some other girls from the league. J went on and on about Shiny, about how she joined to piss off J, about how she is crap at her job etc etc. The thing is, she calls Shiny 'It'. I find this incredibly offensive (especially having read 'A Boy called "It"'). I find her behaviour childish, and inappropriate (her dislike of Shiny is based on personal, apparently non-existent issues). Calling a human being 'It' is about as low as you can go, and when Shiny is actually a really nice, genuine person, the term grates on me even more.

So I am backing off from the friendship. Not obviously, but I just don't have alot of time or tolerance for J anymore. I think she may be a bit mentally unstable, an opinion that I know a couple of Execs share with me after having worked with her. I am one of the few friends she has in the league, so that makes it harder, but after the other night, listening to her going on, I really don't think I can be a good friend to her. We were seated near each other at dinner last night, and I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle listening to her going on and on about whatever subject interested her at the time (she is hard to shut up). Once I had finished my meal I got up and moved away and sat elsewhere. I didn't make it obvious that I moved because of her, I just went and talked to someone else and then chose to stay where I was, but I think she noticed anyway. Later, when she was leaving, she came up to me and kept going on about how we'll have to catch up through the week and do something together.

shrug

She has a Nutrimetics party on in Jan that I am going to, that will be enough.

D got in touch with me, crapped on about how he wanted to grow up and be a man, said he wanted to date me...blah blah blah. I am not holding my breath. That was about two weeks ago and...nothing...lol...surprise surprise. I am honestly not fussed. I mean it. I really don't care. I am on dating sites, I am talking to men, I am not sitting around waiting for D to prove himself.

I think I am partly to blame for how things ended up. I met him at a time when I was not well emotionally, then when he withdrew I did not cope well. It's never been the same since.

I have been reading an interesting book called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man'. It is written by a man and talks about having self respect, not giving yourself too soon (he advocates ninety days), so that you can determine that the guy is around for you and not for the goodies. He talks about three indications that a man has strong feelings for you - Profess (he wants you to meet his friends and family, he wants to take you out and show you off to the world), Protect (physically, from danger; generally, by making sure you are safe, by giving advice he thinks will help you), Provide (financially, but not necessarily so. He can provide by helping you out in other ways, like fixing your car, or getting a mate to do it). I saw all those behaviours in D2 and T, the other two guys I have seriously dated in this last 2 yrs, didn't work out, but still...

So, I'm reading this and thinking about all the times I needed D to be a man for me, like in April last year when my mum was in hospital, or when I moved up to this city and knew no-one, or when I had my car accident and had no idea how to go about buying a new car and subsequently got ripped off. He was in my life, but not for me, for the goodies. And that's my fault. I gave up the goodies before he earned the right to have them.

Lesson learned.

Reflective and sad

I had it in my head that I only post on here when I am miserable, so I was glad to see that the last couple of posts are actually pretty positive :)

I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.

So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...

Time will tell

I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.

Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.

I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.

ah...and now to the kids

It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.

So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).

Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.

I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.

I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.

So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).

No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).

Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.

Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.

It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).

At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.

Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.

Smiley face

I feel on top of the world today. No idea why. Maybe it is because the sun was shining when I woke, maybe it is because I have a stress free day ahead of me. It could be the two corsets I bought last night, or the fact I just signed back up to Weight Watchers again, cos my laziness and crap diet have caught up with me and I am close to 3 digits again. Could be because of all the compliments I got last night about what I was wearing, which was a dress I had made myself.

I don't know. But I am going to enjoy it.

I am not stressing over D. I am, strangely enough, liking that he is back in my life. I think I am crazy, but crazy is not so bad. Being with T and enjoying him as a friend, and not being caught up in all the emotional bullshit made me wonder if I could have that with D. I don't know.

Still in touch with T, he let me know he is looking for work and trying to stay positive. I still remain disappointed that his disease was something that was too big for me (and him too really) to handle, as I continue to think he is a great person.

My weight...I got on the scales yesterday morning and was not surprised by what I saw. I have noticed my clothes are tighter and my fitness is less. Decided to bite the bullet this morning and sign up for WW, just because it has worked for me in the past. I have set a goal to lose 19kgs. It will take me about 6 mths.

Pretty pleased with myself

I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.

Not so.

In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.

BUT....

I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....

Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)

Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)

Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)

Equals overall - 21cm (8in)

As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.

At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.

I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!

Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.

My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.

No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.

Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.

So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.

About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.

I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.