"When in doubt, make a fool of yourself. There is a microscopically thin line between being brilliantly creative and acting like the most gigantic idiot on earth. So what the hell, leap." (Cynthia Heimel)
Somewhere in my future is a happy ending. It is not here and now.
I am actually predominantly happy. I am sad about my relationship situation, or lack of, but my life is actually rather good and I feel positive about the future.
My first week in my new job is over. There is alot to take in, but I find it rather easy and I feel good about my participation in my training so far. Definitely did the right thing by not holding out for casual library work, the school rang the other day and offered me work in two weeks, not the regular 2 days per week I had initially expected. I could not have coped with the lack of job security. I do wish that my new job was permanent, but I fully expect to be offered something in the future.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
I freely admit that I am a fool
yep. Guess how long I lasted with my 'walking away' from D. A week...three days...
A day and a half.
I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.
Why?
Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.
I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.
I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.
We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.
As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.
sigh.
I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.
A day and a half.
I am a fool. I am weak. I desire him. I allow myself to be treated poorly.
Why?
Because I am a fool, because I am a woman and like many women, I am weak when it comes to matters of the heart.
I spent a couple of hours talking to him tonight, in person. Actually, it was 3 hours. He brought up the subject of us, and me saying I no longer wanted to see him. He talked about how much he cared for me, how he wanted me in his life, how scared he was of the worst happening so that he walked away instead of forward. How his 9 yr old son was the most important person in his life and how scared he was that his son would reject him for being happy, for playing happy families with me and my kids. How guilty he felt for choosing not to stay with his son's mother, because he knew how bad it would be if he did.
I told him I could do nothing for his guilt, that was his stuff. But I asked him if he realised that his son would be welcomed and accepted. He did not question that, he fully understood, but he is afraid of his son hating him for spending time with my kids, when his son could not live with him. I told him that it was entirely possible that his son might throw that at him, but should D miss out on his own, potential, happiness because of it. He said he would make that sacrifice if he had to. Goddamn this man frustrates me. I said that to him too, lol.
We have hit yet another crossroads, I think. This time I pushed for him to make time for me. Yes, I know, I should not have had to do that, I told you, I am a fool. In the past I have been easy going about his behaviour, but I reminded him that I had reached the point, with saying to him that I was walking away, where I was not sure I was going to hang around any longer. He said to me, as I left, that he would make time for me this week. I almost could not believe my ears. And I got into my car thinking 'I will believe it when I see it'. He has made me a sceptic.
As I sit here thinking about our talk, which covered alot of areas, not just us, I think that this is what it could be, two intelligent people enjoying each others company. We know the physical attraction is there, we know the passion is there, but neither of us know whether there is a future there, and yet when we are together we can see glimpses of the possibility. I am prepared to take the risk and he is still standing at the front door wondering whether he should put a raincoat on in case the sunny day turns bad.
sigh.
I am tired. I am uncertain. I am annoyed.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Not as good as thought
I drove mum to see her specialist last night, I dropped her off and picked her up and we talked in the car about what he told her. The news was not particularly good. There has been no improvement in her condition since she left hospital. The doc told her she is lucky to be alive, she should in fact be dead due to the severity of her condition. He reiterated the need for her to take it easy. Nothing more can be done for her other than careful monitoring by herself and her family doctor. The doc told her that it would only take something very little to send her back into ICU, or kill her. Mum is taking it a bit more seriously now.
After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.
I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).
My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...
After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.
I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).
My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...
- stress - I actually think this is what originally triggered the tremors, back in November last year. These days I notice that when I am feeling particularly stressed the tremors are more obvious.
- heavy lifting
- sex
- tiredness
- riding my motorbike - this morning I rode my bike for about 10 minutes, to take it to get a service. When I got there I could barely write my name and ph. number because I was having difficulty with shakes and muscle weakness.
- Driving my car for long periods - I started noticing that after my 2 hr drives to and from mums (when I lived in Sydney) I would feel very shaky.
- Coca Cola - also makes me feel nauseous, but I have been noticing that if I drink as little as a glass of coke my tremors are slightly worse.
- Chocolate - too much of it can affect me. I also noticed that it affects my typing, my spelling becomes embarrassing (for me anyway).
- Exercise - sometimes. I have been doing a run/walk most days this last week and this morning was the first time I noticed an issue, so I could have been more susceptible because of yesterdays stress.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
time to move on
Yesterday I broke it, whatever 'it' is, off with D. I am hurt and disappointed, but I feel stronger for having been the one to make the decision to walk away. I wasted quite a few months hoping for a proper relationship with him. I am not depressed about it, which is a relief, but I am sad. Sad is healthy. I have headed back to the dating site I use and hopefully I will start dating again in the near future, with a much clearer idea of what I want and expect.
I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.
I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.
I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.
Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.
Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.
The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.
I have started going for a walk/run early in the mornings. The urge has been upon me for a long time, to start doing something like this, and so this week I got myself out of bed in the cold and dark, got outside and did it. I have discovered I really enjoy it and that I want to continue. I have exercised 4 days in a row, then took this morning off and found that I missed it. I go out early because I am trying to do it while the kids are still asleep. My youngest wakes anytime from 6.30am, so I make sure I am home by then. I am usually only gone for 30 mins. I am hoping to get to the point where I am running the whole route, so that I have to do it twice to get the full 30 mins. It is a goal.
I am down to 90kgs. I am pleased about this and am aiming for 85kgs before reassessing. I think my arms need attention, so will need to purchase some dumbbells, or buy heavier tins of food, lol.
I brought my motorbike up from Sydney recently and while I haven't been working I have had the pleasure of spending some time on it every day. I will be starting full-time work shortly and so my time on the bike will be severely limited.
Work - I got offered the government job that I had applied for while in Sydney. It is a customer service role, which I am suited to, but is not in a library. I had the option of taking casual library work at a high school, but I decided that I do not like the uncertainty of casual work. The gov job is good pay, standard hours, and will be interesting. I am on a 3 month contract. I do not mind this as I fully expect to be offered a permanent position at the end of the term. It also gives me a chance to see if it is a position I would like to continue in, without being fully committed for a long term.
Mum's condition appears to be stable and she seems to be managing basic household chores fine, or with minor help. I am now going over every second day to help with household stuff, but I still speak to her every day and will often pop in on my bike just to check on her.
The kids are settled in to school and are making friends. Teen is proving popular with the girls. Toddler is attending family day care and has settled in so much better than I had anticipated. He goes to two carers and seems to like both, and I like both of them just fine. I am glad to have had the time to attend to all of this before beginning work. I am definitely ready to get back to work, I am getting bored.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Learnt something new about myself
well, besides the fact that I have discovered that I LOVE lacy/girly underwear, in MATCHING sets...
sheets.
I have a queen bed. On my bed is a matching set of good quality sheets, with pillowcases. Today they needed a wash. I went to my linen cupboard and pulled out a set of sheets I thought MIGHT be queen size, but which I discovered were double (they definitely did not fit). I went back to my linen cupboard and found that the only queen size sheets I had were not matching and neither sheet had matching pillowcases.
I refused to put them on my bed.
Since when did I become so pedantic? Picky? Hmmm, possibly when I discovered about 6 months ago how much I LIKE matching sets, things that go together, and quality. Now, I do not have a lot of stuff (in comparison to my mother who has far too much and all mismatched), and what I do have is generally good quality.
I kind of made a promise to myself, when I moved out of my ex's home, that I would not settle for crap anymore. I had the money to buy solid, usable, furniture new, and to buy my basic needs new too. So I bought myself 2 very nice towels and a set of nice sheets (and a bit of lovely underwear :-P).
But now I realise I need to buy another set! I do not mind that I like matching and quality, I figure I deserve it after years of living out of op shops, and when I can afford it I am happy to buy the things I need. I do not mind waiting a week or two for something that makes me feel like my home is how it should be, rather than settling for any old thing.
Why not have less and be glad of it, than have much and feel burdened and cluttered (besides the fact that it is an unnecessary waste of money)?
sheets.
I have a queen bed. On my bed is a matching set of good quality sheets, with pillowcases. Today they needed a wash. I went to my linen cupboard and pulled out a set of sheets I thought MIGHT be queen size, but which I discovered were double (they definitely did not fit). I went back to my linen cupboard and found that the only queen size sheets I had were not matching and neither sheet had matching pillowcases.
I refused to put them on my bed.
Since when did I become so pedantic? Picky? Hmmm, possibly when I discovered about 6 months ago how much I LIKE matching sets, things that go together, and quality. Now, I do not have a lot of stuff (in comparison to my mother who has far too much and all mismatched), and what I do have is generally good quality.
I kind of made a promise to myself, when I moved out of my ex's home, that I would not settle for crap anymore. I had the money to buy solid, usable, furniture new, and to buy my basic needs new too. So I bought myself 2 very nice towels and a set of nice sheets (and a bit of lovely underwear :-P).
But now I realise I need to buy another set! I do not mind that I like matching and quality, I figure I deserve it after years of living out of op shops, and when I can afford it I am happy to buy the things I need. I do not mind waiting a week or two for something that makes me feel like my home is how it should be, rather than settling for any old thing.
Why not have less and be glad of it, than have much and feel burdened and cluttered (besides the fact that it is an unnecessary waste of money)?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Forgot to mention
D.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.
Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.
He was in his non communicating state again for a couple of weeks, so I did not have much to do with him. Sent him the occasional text and left it at that. Moved up here a week and a half ago, finally caught up with him on the 28th, spent a few hours with him. He appears to be withdrawn again, in that he said he does not think he is ready for a relationship. I reminded him that we had talked about this already and that we had decided we were just going to take it slow and see how things went, so then he seemed more willing to talk. I kind of feel like I cannot be bothered with him right now, my attention is on my family and on getting work etc. So him being quiet is not bothering me. I am happy to spend time with him if he wants it and I can fit it in, but right now that does not matter so much to me.
Perhaps I will get to a point where I can't be bothered at all anymore with his moods. For now I am working on being open to possibilities and keeping my focus on my family, where it is needed.
update
On Saturday 25th April I enjoyed my first night in my new home. I could hear no sirens and barely any traffic. It was great to be back in my own bed again. I was really over being at mum's house, it was very crowded and she has alot of stuff, so on top of being people crowded I also felt very cluttered and like I was tripping over stuff all the time. So I left and felt much better for it.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
The docs allowed mum to come home on Monday 27th. The aortic dissection now runs from her leg right up into her neck. It has bypassed her heart but has affected her kidneys. I cannot even imagine how she must feel physically. I know she has a bit of pain at times and she is obviously run down. So at home I sat with her and sorted out her medication for the next few days, she has to take a hell of a lot of different things. I found this a little distressing. I also went over how to use her blood pressure machine with her, it is not too complicated. She will be allowed to drive, but not very far, and no lifting anything over 10kgs, so that means no more lifting Toddler up. There are other limitations that I am sure she will discuss with us over the next few days. I can see from watching her that she tires very easy at the moment, and that she has to take it all very slowly. It is hard to see my mum less than the vibrant, powerful, woman that I have always viewed her as.
I thought her biggest challenge would be recognising her limits and asking for help, but in actual fact it seems that her challenge is to not sweat the small stuff. She stresses over everything. Today she was in tears because my bro's did not do something immediately that she asked them to. I mean, come on, people have other stuff to do, and it will get done, but she was getting all upset cos it was not done when she thought it should be. We all just want her to relax, but I do not think she actually knows how to at this stage.
I took her out today, she had a couple of jobs she wanted done. We went to the library first, then to the post office and the supermarket. She was exhausted by the time we were finished at the supermarket and when we got home she laid down and did not get up again until dinner, then went back to bed after dinner. Her blood pressure is not behaving, the lowest has been 98/45 and the highest has been 145/73. I am taking her to the doctor tomorrow so I hope she will discuss this with him.
I am pretty tired emotionally and physically. I feel like I am running two households at the moment, which I can handle, and being bossy, which I am not enjoying. I have little cry's now and then when I am alone and I feel so sad about mum that I cannot keep it in. Her and I had a chat while she was in hospital and she has been given a reduced life span, a max of ten years IF she reduces her stress and manages her blood pressure well. It is hard for me to face her mortality, especially when she is only 55 years old, still young.
I am still waiting to hear about the Centrelink job. I did the medical last Friday, so it will have been a week tomorrow and they told me that they would want people to start in the first week of May, I am kind of bothered that I have not heard yet. I may not love the idea of working at Centrelink, but I like to work and I am getting a bit itchy about not having a job. I am starting to think I might have to apply for benefits, which I am really trying to avoid. I have enough money to last me another two weeks.
The older boys had their first day at their new schools today. Teen was Mr Popular which he thought was highly amusing and he had only good things to say about his classes. No.2 made friends and was happy with his day. Toddler starts Family Day Care on Monday, he will go three days per week until I start work, then I will line up some other care for him. He is going to freak. He is so clingy these days, that on top of everything else makes it really tiring. He is constantly coming to me for hugs and if I go into another room he comes and finds me, every single time. If I get out of the car and don't take him with me he cries. I am not looking forward to the adjustment period.
Well, I guess that is it for now.
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