Not as good as thought

I drove mum to see her specialist last night, I dropped her off and picked her up and we talked in the car about what he told her. The news was not particularly good. There has been no improvement in her condition since she left hospital. The doc told her she is lucky to be alive, she should in fact be dead due to the severity of her condition. He reiterated the need for her to take it easy. Nothing more can be done for her other than careful monitoring by herself and her family doctor. The doc told her that it would only take something very little to send her back into ICU, or kill her. Mum is taking it a bit more seriously now.

After I dropped her off I drove home, crying the whole way. I felt very alone.

I spoke to her today, she told me of some things she is doing to monitor how much she can do and I gave her a hand with the housework. We talked about my 2 youngest bro's attitudes and how perhaps they did not realise the severity of mum's condition, because she has not outright said to them, 'if I overdo it, I will die'. I spoke to my oldest younger bro today (I have three) and he said that he was not surprised by the specialist's words and that he fully expected her to not come out of hospital originally. He also said that he is prepared for the likelihood that she will die within the next year or so and we briefly discussed what we thought might happen with the younger two bro's, in terms of care (they are adults, but rather naive about the real world).

My tremors
I spent some time reading about Essential Tremor tonight. I still think that this may be what I have. I am beginning to notice what things may set it off...

• stress - I actually think this is what originally triggered the tremors, back in November last year. These days I notice that when I am feeling particularly stressed the tremors are more obvious.
• heavy lifting
• sex
• tiredness
  
• riding my motorbike - this morning I rode my bike for about 10 minutes, to take it to get a service. When I got there I could barely write my name and ph. number because I was having difficulty with shakes and muscle weakness.
• Driving my car for long periods - I started noticing that after my 2 hr drives to and from mums (when I lived in Sydney) I would feel very shaky.
• Coca Cola - also makes me feel nauseous, but I have been noticing that if I drink as little as a glass of coke my tremors are slightly worse.
• Chocolate - too much of it can affect me. I also noticed that it affects my typing, my spelling becomes embarrassing (for me anyway).
• Exercise - sometimes. I have been doing a run/walk most days this last week and this morning was the first time I noticed an issue, so I could have been more susceptible because of yesterdays stress.
  

Right now I feel like I am shivering on the inside. My hands are shaking a little and occasionally I can feel an odd twitch. When I walk around I feel a bit jumpy. Some of the video clips I have found show a much more severe tremor, both in the arms and head. I need to find myself a Dr up here and get referred to a Neurologist. There is no cure, but if it worsens I can go on medication.

I made her tell me

I phoned my mum on Thursday night and asked her to tell me more about what was going on with her. She has this tendency to not tell me anything until long after the fact. Like on Monday, the one just gone, she mentions that she had to go to the doctor for some antibiotics. I asked her why and she quietly announced that she had had some day surgery a couple of weeks ago and the area had become infected. She told me it was nothing I needed to worry about. Then she changed the subject.

It preyed on my mind for a few days, especially when I mentioned to a nurse friend on Thursday that mum had had the day surgery and she said that perhaps I should find out a bit more.

So I rang mum Thurs night and said that because I did not know why she had had the surgery I was worrying and I would appreciate it if she could fill me in. And she did.

Apparently the doc found some cysts on her ovaries, they did a biopsy and she is now waiting for the results. There was also something to do with her bladder but she seemed to skim over that and I did not push. I asked her if she had caught a taxi home and no, the b.....y woman sat in the surgery for a couple of hours, reading a book, until the nurse said mum could drive home. Oh, she makes me so cranky. Anyway, nothing can be done right now, but I shall be glad to be closer to her.

I am sad for other reasons today. As I get closer to leaving my job I realise how much I am going to miss the people, and the books, and the book talking. I really truly love working in a library and I really truly want to end up back in one. How is yet to be determined.

If I get this job at Centrelink I will be dealing with, for the most part, unhappy people. I wonder if I should hold out for a different job, or whether I should look on it as an opportunity to hone my customer service skills. I haven't even got the job yet, lol. Would it be better to be unemployed for a while? So many questions run through my mind.

Do I question my decision to move? No, especially with mum being the stubborn woman she is, I think it is time I started keeping a closer eye on her.

But I do wonder how it is all going to work out.

Another concern
I have noticed that I am experiencing tremors in my hands and arms. It is quite odd, feeling like I am shaking/shivering alot of the time. It is sometimes affecting my writing and I have to write slower. If I tense up the tremor feels worse. When I hold my phone up to my ear I can see my hand shaking.

I wonder if it is related to my carpal tunnel, which has not been an issue since I lost weight. The tremors are usually barely visible to anyone but me. They have been around, off and on, for quite a few years, but these last couple of weeks they are not easing, and, as I said, it can feel a little weird sometimes. I have not mentioned it to anyone, I did a little research, it is not uncommon and there is no cure. There are drugs for it if it begins to affect my ability to function.