lifes little lessons

I wish I had someone I could talk to about how I feel about D. About how he makes me swing from one emotion to another without even knowing it. In fact, it is not him that does it, but me and my head. My head is a pain in the ass sometimes, with the scenarios it concocts to make my insecurities come to the surface, instead of just letting me go with the flow.

Music has such an amazing influence on me. I listen to alot of music and I find that I will hear a song and think 'oh, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel', like "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, or "Your arms feel like home" by 3 Doors Down. And when I am unhappy there is always song about unrequited love, or painful loss, to assist me with my mood, lol. D and I both love music, we both feel influenced by it, we have similar taste in music.

I want so much for things to go ok for us. I get that it is not going to be easy. I have come to realise that generally all people want is to be accepted as the flawed person they are, but when in a relationship that acceptance can take a back seat to what we perceive as our own needs and wants. We get caught up in our own expectations of how things should be. I often wonder if I am capable of accepting another flawed person in my life, when I struggle so hard with my own flaws at times. I do believe that acceptance is the key to a long lasting relationship tho, that you love the person in spite of their faults, and maybe a little because of them.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we should accept things that are morally or ethically wrong, like a guy thinking it is ok to smack a woman now and then. I am talking about things like, a guy who never puts the toilet seat down (I have a friend who really cares about this, lol), or he...god, I don't know, but I am sure you get what I mean just from that one example, lol. I mean, do these things really matter? They can matter. They can be the little things that add up to make an unhappy relationship. But really, if we just accepted the small stuff, and were tougher on the big stuff, surley that would make for a better, longer lasting relationship.

Like, I already know that D has trouble turning up to something on time. That does not mean that that something is not important to him, it is just that things happen and he gets side tracked and before you know it he is late. Now I am a bit pedantic about being on time. This could be a future conflict for us if I come to resent it. Or, I could choose to accept it and then adapt us to suit. Eg I have heard of people telling their partners that they have to leave at such and such a time, but the time is actually half an hour before they need to leave, so that then no one is stressing about getting out the door on time. The difference is accepting it and going with it, rather than trying to change him and bend things to how I want them to be.

If only it were all as simple as that example, but I realise it won't be. I do definitley need to take a chill pill tho.

Another area of possible contention is his difficulty with saving money, well, with not spending it, lol. He really struggles with this, so much so that he could not see how he and I would manage on our two incomes (which totally blew me away cos to me we would have been very cosy indeed). I have learnt alot over the years, about budgeting, and buying out of need rather than want. I like having money in my account, and I like not having debt. I am in a good position financially at this point in my life and I like it. But I can see that if D and I combine, then I will have to hold the purse strings so that we are able to have a comfortable life. He and I have actually discussed this already, so thankfully he is aware of his weakness and feels okay with having me handle things. I am so far in credit with one of my child care providers that they actually asked me to stop paying them money. It is great cos it will be an extra lot of money I can put away each week, woo!

I often question the need for relationships. I used to do this alot when I was with my Ex, it was an interest of mine. Really, relationships are primarily for procreation and maybe company. There is not really any good reason for us to persist in staying with a partner for an extended length of time. But still, we seek out 'the one', our soulmate, the Yin to our Yang. And when we think we have found it we want everything to be perfect. It is easy too get caught up in the emotions and feelings etc. But reality quickly kicks in.

Things I have discovered about myself recently
- for me, good sex is heavily controlled by my thinking. I can switch myself on or off physically by what I think about. This affects the experience.

- I do like affection, but not as much as I thought I did. I require space. I do not like clingyness. Yes, I like a hug, or a touch, but not all the time.

- I like sex, but do not need or want it every day. The anticipation is as much fun as the act.

- I like spending time with people, but require my own space at some point. I start to feel crowded if I spend too much time with someone. How much time is too much? No idea. Depends on the person.

- I am willing to compromise, but thankfully have learnt to put my foot down and not be afraid to speak up when I really want something.

- That I get cranky/bitchy when I feel crowded. That the best thing I can do is go get myself some space, whether that is by going off to read a book, or put my headphones on, or go for a walk.

- that I am quick to react. I really do need to take a chill pill.

Goddammit......oh, it isn't so bad I guess....

I am heartsick over D. I miss him incredibly. We have had almost no contact for about 3 weeks and most of the time I am ok, well, when I am busy I am ok. But in those moments when life is quiet memories of him rise up and overwhelm me and I find myself wishing for him to be back in my life.

I spend time with S and find myself thinking of D almost the entire time. I am glad that S and I are just friends because to be more than that with him would be a lie.

I am going to NZ in 18 days. I am so excited by this, to have this momentous event ticked off my list would be awesome. When I get back I will be counting down to the Pink concert in July, then I will be counting down to the day I move closer to my mum.

Mum is rather excited by the thought of having me a bit closer, not sure why, lol. Personally, I am concerned about her health, I don't think she is telling me everything I need to know. I do get some feedback from my brothers and they say she is pretty stressed and gets headaches that flatten her for a day or two. I would like to have a job to go to up there, but if it gets to October (when my lease runs out) and I don't, I will move up anyway by the time Term 4 ends, and maybe work with mum for a bit till I get work. She has a cleaning business and I know she would welcome the help.

The kids have settled in to a new year of school. Scott is in Year 8 and I am praying for a better year this year. I am sitting with him now while he completes some homework (title pages, is there really a point to these?). We have spent an hour on Maths work, this is his particular weakness and an area I will push him in this year. So far he is happy with his teachers and his buddy who was a major distraction last year is only in three of his classes.

Work is good. Been really busy last week, and this week is looking to be the same. Got welcomed back by more of my parents today, such a good feeling. My schedule is getting busier as I get in touch with more of my outreach places (or they call me) and as I continue to prepare for upcoming weeks (particularly the time when I am away).

My weight...hmmm...not sure I want to talk about it. I think I have put on at least two kilos. Not happy with myself about falling off the wagon. Only I can make the changes needed though.

One giant leap

Is what I want to take. I am falling for this man. After three weeks of talking and talking I am yet to find something that I don't like, or that makes me say 'woah, hang on, that's not ok'. Even in person we still click, it is magic.

Do I dare?

I know how he feels. He is, lol, smitten, head over heels, swept away. I am attracted to his mind and his body, I feel the flame that burns when we are together. I want him badly, on so many levels. I am overwhelmed at times by what I have begun to feel.

But do I dare?

Do I dare to give my heart away, when I actually think he has already stolen it. Do I let it go without a fight and embrace the magic that I can feel between us.

Do I dare?

There is the fear that this will burn out. But we get each other. So many times it is like my own head is speaking when he talks to me. I can see that we have the potential to make an awesome team.

But do I dare?

My commitment? Would be to move to him, to his home town, in the future. I have family there, it would not be a bad thing. I have concerns for X, his possible reaction, his resulting difficulty in getting to see the kids. These are things I battle with in my head. Do I do what I want?

Do I dare?