Rock bottom

I hit it and I hit it hard.

I was seeing D again (yeh yeh I know, not smart) a couple of months ago, so I was back to sitting around waiting for him to make time to see me. I was working two jobs, juggling derby and uni commitments, and trying to be a good parent.

I ended up a mess.

D broke it off with me, I made mistakes at work and nearly lost both my jobs, I failed another subject at uni, I stopped going to derby and I was failing as a parent (in my eyes).

As hard as it was for me I reached out to a couple of my friends, who have experienced depression and anxiety, and asked for help. They encouraged me to go to the Dr and helped keep me in the Dr's surgery when I was having second thoughts. They made it ok for me to consider going on medication, because I knew that this time I would not be able to pull myself out of the black hole.

I was worn out. Mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had nothing left.

So to the Dr's I went and sat there in his office and bawled (much to my disgust). Got myself under control and got the ball rolling. That was about 6 weeks ago. I am on medication for my depression and when I visited the Dr recently we decided to increase the dosage as it wasn't quite doing the job it needed to be doing. I also saw a Psych for the first time last week and I have 2 more appointments booked.

The medication has really given me some relief from my brain. I still over-analyse, but now I am not being overwhelmed by the emotions of it all. I now have 'room to breathe'. I still feel, I get cranky/annoyed, I feel happy, I get sad. But now the emotions are rational, rather than irrational. I had felt like I was going mad, like I was out of control.

I didn't know just how stressed I was feeling until I stopped. Now I have discovered that I have anxiety about going back to derby. I wonder if it is because of the long term issues with Shin Splints, or the conflicts that have been going on. I don't know. I just know that at this point in time I do not feel like I can set foot in our venue. I haven't trained in 6 weeks, haven't been to a meeting, haven't given a report. I did catch up on the bookwork to some extent.

I don't know what I will do regarding derby at this stage. I know that I want to step down from my committee position, but need to tie up some loose ends before I do so. I may change to a social member for the next little while, until I feel like I want to start again. But I may not. What is interesting is that I have been so very busy with derby for the last 2 years that I haven't done things that I had hoped to have done by now, like kayaking and rock climbing etc. I also haven't spent as much time with my boys.

Lately I am spending more time just sitting. I had truly forgotten how to relax and even now I have to make myself just sit and watch a movie or chat with the boys, and do nothing else. I think they are enjoying having my full attention. I have played Chess with No.2, Uno with Teen and No.2, and lots of MarioKart on the Wii with Little Boy. I've had fun :-) I've gotten jobs done outside and felt productive again.

I have deferred uni for this next semester. I really lost the plot where uni was concerned. I have seriously considered quitting altogether, however my best friend has told me of another option that I will discuss if I go ahead with it.

When people ask me if I am ok I say no. I say that I am worn out, tired, resting. That I took too much on and now I am paying the price.

I am feeling better about life. I am feeling like I have time to pursue other interests, and to give my kids the time they deserve. I feel like I can be there more for Teen as he navigates these defining years.

I haven't asked for help in more than 15 yrs, so glad I finally did.

New tattoo's..yes, that is a plural!

I've been pretty sick with gastro these last few days. Got on the scales this morning and discovered I had lost 3 kgs in as many days. Not a weight loss program I want to pursue, but 'wow!' lol. Still struggling to eat properly, but will get there in the next few days.

Have gotten two new tattoos. It's been two years since I got my first and I had been wanting another for a while. The opportunity came and I jumped at it and got my phoenix...

for me this symbolises Faith (in myself), Strength (of character), and Virtue. In Mythology, the Phoenix represents rebirth/renewal. In China it is synonymous with good fortune, opportunity, and luck. The Phoenix is a Yang symbol.

I then got all excited and went and got one on the other thigh.

it's in grey cos it was really swollen and red and not pretty lol. The dragon is a Yin symbol in some cultures and is the male counterpart to the female Phoenix, together they symbolize both conflict and wedded bliss :-)

I'm happy with the artwork. I will probably only get one more tattoo and that won't be for a while. It is to be something that symbolises my love for Australia, at the moment I am thinking something with skates lol.

wtf moments

But first....

So on the 28th Feb my measurements were

Bust 115 (45)

Waist 108 (42.5)

Hips 124 (49)

Thighs 66 (26)

Arms 39 (15.5)

and today they were

Bust 113

Waist 108

Hips 122

Thighs 64

Arms 38

Wow, I am impressed, another 7cms :-) I weighed in yesterday and had lost 1.5kg in two weeks :-) had also lost another 0.6% body fat. This is good. Still not getting to the gym to exercise, but have modified my eating and that seems to be making the difference at the moment.

And now to what my title refers to...

I had left Titan as a friend on my Facebook because it felt awkward to delete him. I wish I had, because he would post on my Wall and kept adding friends of mine. I got to the point where enough was enough and made a comment about 'looking forward to dinner' (I was actually looking forward to dinner, but was having it at a derby meeting with a whole group of people). He said 'that's nice, who with?' I replied 'if I had wanted to say who, I would have'. He then texted me to say if I was dating someone he would stop trying to see me

wtf??

I wasn't even aware he was trying to see me. I had certainly never given him any indication that I was interested in seeing him again. I replied 'yes' (yes, I did lie to make him go away), he abused me and that was that. Later I discovered he had deleted me from Facebook. How did I feel? Guess!

relieved

*sigh*

Guess who else messaged me recently (bizarre coincidence)....D

Mum recently commented to me that I would find someone who will sweep me off my feet one day. I replied 'I already did'. She was surprised and said 'who'.

'D'

She just looked at me. Then said 'ok'.

It was pretty freaky that he had got in touch. I don't know what to think at the moment. I'm well aware that I don't want a normal relationship, but I doubt that is what he would be offering. I know that he won't have changed a bit from what he was like two and a half years ago (yep, it's been that long since we met).

hmmm

could be a dangerous path to walk again. Hazardous for my heart

Sighs and lolz and an overuse of '...'

so...I messaged Titan after our conversation about dinner and told him I really really did not want chicken or steak and could he please find somewhere that suited both of us. He replied about 3hrs later with 'ill c wot i can do', which I translated as 'I'll let you think I am making an effort, but I'm not really cos it's too hard'.

Surprise surprise, we end up at the restaurant of his choosing. Instead of Pasta Carbonara, I had salad and soup. I was under the impression we were going there because he wanted a healthy chicken dish. Instead, he makes a pig of himself with a double serving of cheese fries and a chicken burger smothered in cheese. I tell myself it's important to have a nice time and so I make an effort to chat and be pleasant (how unfortunate that I even have to use the term 'effort').

We then go to the movies where he buys a choc top. He shoves it in my face at one point and says 'Do you want some?' and I said 'no, I don't eat ice cream', which he knows already. We watch the rather average movie (had entertainment value but was an 'America saves the world' type movie) and enjoy bagging it out afterwards.

He announces in the car that he wants to stop off at a servo for a drink on the way home. We have a slight disagreement about the price of fuel. We go to the servo and he disappears inside. He comes out with a drink and two ice creams (yes...more ice cream). He waves one at me and says 'I bought you an ice cream!'.

I look at the ice cream, then look at him and say 'I don't eat ice cream'. Please note, I had mentioned this to him earlier in the night, which would have been about the tenth time since we began dating.

He says 'Oh well, it was two for $5 or 1 for $3.50, so I figured if you don't eat it, I will'

So he's eaten a massive amount of cheese fries, a chicken and cheese hamburger, and an ice cream already and he's on this supposed healthy eating Transformation Program and feels he has the right to criticise me about eating a vegemite sandwich... (I've just had a quick read back through this months posts and realised that I haven't told the vegemite sandwich story...he's over one night after I have worked a five hr cleaning shift. We're talking about food and I tell him all I ate during my shift was an apple and a vegemite sandwich. He then has a go at me for eating a sandwich with butter on it because it is bad for me. This is a man who will sit in front of me and eat an entire pizza, telling me I shouldn't eat a vegemite sandwich with a few scrapes of butter on it. F***ing hypocrite. I got very angry with him).

Back to the ice cream

I said 'so you justified buying yourself two icecreams by saying one was for me?'

Titan 'oh no, I just thought you might want an ice cream.'

wtf

He then starts gorging himself on the first icecream, which he finished before we even left the driveway of the servo. He then immediately opens the second ice cream and begins vacuuming it up...but he pauses and shoves it in my face and says 'you sure you don't want some?'

'I.don't.eat.ice.cream.'

I don't speak again till we get to my place. I take my bro home (he babysat) and come back and start doing dishes.

Titan comes in and asks if I am ok. I say 'no, not really'

'oh, babe, what's wrong?'

'I'm thinking'

'What about?'

'About us'...I was gathering my thoughts and did not want to blurt stuff out, so was keeping sentences short.

'What about us?'

I take a couple of deep breaths, because I know that the ice cream crap is the final straw. I'm not angry, not really anything except certain that this ridiculous relationship should not continue.

'I am thinking that we don't make each other very happy'

'I agree' (I didn't expect him to say this)

'and we fight nearly every time we see or talk to each other, and that's been happening for at least a month of our two months together'

'yep, I agree'

'and this really isn't looking like it will be a long term relationship'

'I agree'

Now, I wish I could remember exactly what was said next, but my mind was whirling so much with him agreeing with all this and apparently making this break up so easy, that I don't seem to have retained what was said. So move on a few minutes and he comes up and gives me a hug and says 'can I still stay over?' so I figure, well what can one last time hurt, he went without a girl in his bed for two years, I may as well give him one last snuggle (I'm serious about the snuggle, totally p.g., no sex involved or asked for).

Now, just to back track a bit, when he came over earlier he had not organised a time for our date. I had to work out when we were eating and seeing a movie. I told Titan I wanted to see an earlier movie because I was really tired, and that I wanted to be home by 10pm.

So by the time I finished washing the dishes and having our odd little conversation (that I took to be our break up), it was 10.30pm and I was exhausted. When I said I wanted to go to bed, he whined. I just said, 'well I am tired and I am going to bed.' And so he did come to bed then.

We lay and chatted for a bit about nothing in particular, then I fell asleep. I had a very crappy night's sleep.

Next day...I get up, realise I need milk for pancakes. Titan asks me to buy him a drink while I'm out, calls me babe. I become confused. I go get the milk, come back and he's all, 'thanks honey' and 'looking forward to your pancakes darling'. Now I am even more confused.

I start making pancakes, and when his are done I call him in. He asks me how I am. I say 'confused'

'Why are you confused babe?'

'You know that conversation we had last night?

'yeh' munch munch munch

'the one about us not being happy and not having a long term relationship and you agreed?'

'yeh' munch munch munch

'well, to me that conversation was us breaking up'

'WHAT?!' (I don't think he spat any pancake out, but he did suddenly lose his appetite. I was standing there gobsmacked that he really had no idea. Sometimes diplomacy and niceness is not very helpful)

'Well, we agreed that we weren't happy and that it didn't look good for a long term relationship'

'Yeh, but I thought we would talk it out and work it out!'

'Um...no. We've been together for two months and been fighting for one of them, how on earth can we have a future when the relationship is already this much hard work?'

We went round and round in circles for a bit on this and the other matters that have been an issue for us for the last month. I accepted some responsibility for the relationship not working. He asked if we could just date on weekends and I said that it wasn't a good idea ('why prolong the agony' was what I was thinking).

That was pretty much it. He walked out without talking to me again, but messaged me later to ask me if I wasn't even going to give it a try, to which I replied 'no'.

Honestly, I felt relief when he left, like a burden had lifted. One less hassle in my life.

sigh.

He deleted our relationship status on FB that afternoon, but for some reason has continued to add my derby friends. They have been accepting him cos they thought he and I were still together. It's very odd that he is doing this and I wonder if he is being a little bit stalkerish. I want to delete him off my friends list, but feel awkward about it (I don't know why).

sigh

As usual, I have spent some time analysing the whole situation and my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

For starters...

I do not need a man to complete me

I can do all the things that I have been holding off doing, on my own or with one of my many friends

I don't really want the complication of a relationship

I think that my relationships haven't lasted because none of them give me the same feelings I felt when I was with D

I am far from perfect (it never hurts to remind myself of that)

I'm too busy to make time for someone who doesn't appreciate the fact I have made time for them

That's about it for now on that matter

Weight - it was weigh in tonight. I have lost only one kg in the last month, and have lost 0.6% body fat. Better than nothing and definitely better than putting weight on. I think I gained a little bit in the last two weeks, since I haven't been going to the gym. Had a chat to the personal trainer about my diet and exercise and feel like I have a better idea of what I need to do with the time I have.

Well that didn't help

So Titan comes over the next night. He'd got pretty annoyed with me on the phone, so I thought I should stop being a bitch and have him over and discuss it in person.

So he does a big rant, had some valid points about how I don't make him feel loved and needed, tried to pin his lack of social life on me (I told him to get stuffed on that one), and then calmed down somewhat. I pointed out that I have been on my own in some way or another for many years, that accommodating another adult is not something I have done for a while, and that he needed to be a bit more understanding of where I am coming from. I then muttered something about needing a tire changed and that seemed to make him happy (which I thought was odd).

Anyway, that settled him a bit and we went on to discuss other stuff. I told him I'd been craving pasta carbonara all week and how nice it would be to have Italian when we go for dinner on Sat. We discussed food for a bit and the impression I got was that we would be having Italian.

Today he calls me and we check in with each other about schedules and stuff and I said, 'So, are we going to (a lovely Italian place that makes awesome Pasta Carbonara)?'

'Oh no', he says, 'I don't want pasta. We're going to (a steak and chicken restaurant)'.

'Oh' I said

'That's ok isn't it? I can have my chicken then'.

'Fine'

I should have said no, I should have said that I have really been looking forward to having Italian. But I didn't. And now I am pissed off all over again.

Meh

Busy-ness

Having been on my own for an extended period of time means I have learnt to fill my days with busy-ness. My theory was that being busy stopped me from feeling lonely. I wanted someone to come home to, to hug, to kiss, to build dreams with, etc etc. So having stuff to do meant not having as much time to want those things.

Now I have someone in my life, and I don't really want to make time for him. I don't want to give up the things that have filled my life for the last two years. The things I do make me feel useful, a part of something bigger. I am rewarded by the work I do. Titan doesn't like my commitment to derby, he doesn't like that I am Treasurer, he doesn't like that I have two jobs, and uni, and kids.

Now, as much as I thought I missed having someone in my life, there is nothing in my life now that I would give up. If he asked me to choose between him and derby, for example, I wouldn't even hesitate to say 'bye bye Titan'. This tells me that I don't really love him the way he would like me to. Will I ever? I said the 'L' word a couple of weeks ago and I am regretting it now. It's really hard to say that I will ever develop the strong feelings that I associate with love.

He could have come over tonight and I asked him to a couple of hours ago, but then realised that I really did not feel like seeing him, so when I got a text back from him, I ignored it, and when I thought I heard my phone ring, I did not go to it. And when it rang again later and I answered it, I lied and told him I had not got his message and I did not hear it ring and I told him I was too busy now and we'd have to leave it till tomorrow. He wasn't impressed and whined about having gotten dressed to come over. I didn't care. He whines a lot. I just checked Facebook and he's whined on there too. Meh

Admittedly, I don't feel like a very nice person right now. I feel like once someone gets to know me below the surface, they discover that I am not as nice and sweet as I appear. Which is actually the truth.

hmmm

I don't think this relationship is going to last. And I think it will definitely be my fault. And I think I should stop looking for a boyfriend and just get on with living my life the way I love to live my life - with purpose, meaning, and direction. I want a boyfriend because I don't want to die alone. But you know what? I am going to die alone anyway. Not like I can take him with me lol.

sigh

I annoy myself, cos I want what I don't have, then when I get it I realise what a pain in the ass it is to make time for it. I'd like to think it's just him, but I think it is as much me as anything. I hope I am not becoming a serial dater!!

I have been enjoying this blog tho - http://lostinsingledom.blogspot.com/

Weight - I seem to have dropped another kilo, and lost a cm off my arms and thighs, but I am not going to measure this week. I think I have a weigh-in tomorrow night to check what my fat % is, I hope it has dropped down from the 42% it was last time. I haven't been getting to the gym much since I started my second job and uni, and I miss it. I need to train for the Tough Chick Challenge!

Looks like Teen is going to fail this major year at school.

No. 2 has his major exam on Thurs to get into a selective school. We haven't practiced and we've hardly talked about it. He knows if he doesn't get in I am not going to cry about it, we already picked an alternative highschool that I think will suit him academically as well.

Toddler only stops talking when he is asleep :-)

Tonight at work I was watching a new crawler as he watched a confident crawler. He followed around the confident crawler as much as he could. It was interesting.

Do, or do not...there is no try

a very good quote from Yoda, of all creatures, lol. I like it and I say it to myself whenever I am feeling like giving up, or when I hear myself say 'I'll try'.

No change in cm's this week. Last Wednesday I weighed myself and appeared to have dropped 1.5kgs, but today I weighed myself and had dropped only 1/2 a kg. Blech. Stupid scales. Haven't been to the gym much because of other commitments, but have still been getting a fair bit of exercise in my new job,

I have a second job as a cleaner, as I am desperate for a bit extra money and my creche hours have been cut back (at my request, but it's night work and was impacting on my kids). I started the cleaning job last Wed. It is casual work, but I have said I am available all day Monday, and till 2.30 pm Tues and Wed. I've done 3 shifts, it is uncomplicated work, but tiring. It pays $3 more per hour than the child care.

Uni - I have dropped back to part-time as my workload (work, kids, boyfriend, derby, and uni) is getting too much and I don't want to wipe myself out. What I have now is plenty!