Tonight I find myself struck by the urge to write. And by that I do not mean writing my blog, although I have neglected it badly lately. No, I am referring to creative writing. I have written bits and pieces off and on over the years, but realised tonight that the last time I really set to it was about 10 years ago. Perhaps it is time to get the brain juices flowing again.

D and I are going well. We are avoiding making grand plans related to my move, we are simply looking forward to the chance to get to know each other properly.

I have applied for two full-time library jobs in the Newcastle area, they are both library assistant positions, one is at a uni and one is a public library. I will hopefully hear from them before the end of the month. I will also be applying for a customer service position with Maritime NSW, the pay is similar to what I get now and it sounds like it could be an interesting job, at least for a while, lol. I am confident I will get some sort of work.

I have booked a storage facility up there and will be taking some stuff up next weekend. I will be doing regular trips up and depositing stuff each time, so that when the time comes only the essentials will need to be moved. I kind of wish I could do a self move, not sure if that is feasible at this stage, although I have enough people at each end to help pack/unpack the truck, and I have done it before. hmmm, well I shall consider it. It would certainly be cheaper than removalists.

I am getting a tattoo Sunday week, of a kiwi bird shape made out of a fern. See below...

It will be all black though.

I was at the zorbing in NZ and I had already decided that I wanted a tat, just had not found the design. I saw this pic on the door of the Zorb office and said 'that's it!!!' But I forgot to take a photo of it, and made no notes about the co. that used the design. So later that day, when I was about 2 hours drive away, I realised my mistake. That night I spent hours searching for the pic online, with no success. The next morning I phoned the Zorb office and asked them to tell me the info that was on the pic, they did, I googled it, and found the pic online. And soon it will be on my back. lol It is perfect and it is going to hurt like a biatch.

My mum was rather tired after caring for my boys for the week. She exclaimed to me that she needed a holiday. When I phoned her a couple of days later she told me she had had early nights for the last few days to recover. She is too young to be so tired and I worry.

D is worrying at the moment, about his parents. His mum is in need of a hip replacement, he said she appears to be in a bit of pain, but even though she has private health cover she won't go and organise the surgery. I wonder what she is afraid of. D's dad has an aneurism near his heart and at a recent check-up was told that his heart beat was erratic and he would need to go for an ECG. D seems pretty stressed about both of them and I wish I could be there to support him better. So now we are both worrying about our parents. Amazing how it comes full circle, they spend years worrying about us, until there comes a point, when we, the children, have grown up a bit and formed a more mature outlook, and we begin to worry about them. Hmmm, that is as it should be.

Scott has hair under his arms. There is no doubt about it now, he is not my baby anymore, he is a smelly, grumpy, still cuddly, teen. sigh. And he is my height, which he just loves gloating about. He is going to love being able to lean on me in a few short years. Perhaps he will tower over me like my bros do. God I love him so much. I love all of my boys. They are so precious to me. I hope and pray that they will all continue to talk to me over the years, that they will always know I love them, even when I am angry or disappointed with them. I wish for so much for them, but have no control over their paths, only very basic guidance that I can give. Being a parent is the hardest job of all at times.

Home

Yep, back from NZ and had a great time.

zorbing at Rotorua

Sledging (riding rapids on a boogey board)

heading into the depths of the earth

I am so glad I went. I did abseiling and caving, mountain biking and kayaking, I rode in a sky lift and screamed on a Sky Swing (similar to a bungy but you are sitting down). I visited Rotorua mud pools and lazed in thermal pools. I was amazed by the view from Auckland's Sky Tower at night, and awed by the magnificence of Kauri trees. I spent two days driving around the coast of the upper half of the North Island. It was a great experience and I want to do it again one day.

The kids stayed at my mums while I was away and apparently there were no problems, but she was very tired and glad they were going when I picked them up. I think maybe a week was a big ask.

When I got off the plane back into Sydney I was assailed by the stench. Sydney really truly stinks. I am happy to be moving to a semi-rural area. Ias also blown away by how incredibly noisy it is outside my window of a morning. I actually missed this noise when I went bush in Jan, but my goodness it is really grating on me after a week in NZ. The country over there is beautiful, even thee cities are not that overwhelming with traffic, and clean! So clean! There is a huge emphasis on recycling and not littering and councils take a vested interest in maintaining their towns. I was impressed.

Money wise I felt the comparison was good. Milk, books, and petrol were the things that I noticed were much more expensive than here. Oh, and people don't go and sit in pubs and drink, they go to one of the many licensed restaurants and cafes and have civilised conversations over dinner and a bottle of whatever. Most alcohol (not spirits) is sold in the supermarket in the aisle next to the cereal aisle. Eating out was expensive though, the average main course was more than $15, which put it out of my budget. Subway is more common than McDonalds and they still have the Pizza Hut Restaurants. I had Kumara chips one time, yum yum, and fish and chips another, yum yum.

I look forward to taking the kids over when they are a bit older.

It is sooo close

Only 39 hours till the plane is scheduled to taxi down the run way and take me to NZ. I am so so so excited!!!!!

D and I have continued to chat and will be spending a couple of hours together tomorrow morning, before I take the boys to my mums for the week. I have no idea where things will go with us.

I am applying for a position at a library near mum and so was forced to let my supervisor know that I intended to leave within the next couple of months. She looked like she was going to cry, but I simply explained that I felt I needed to be closer to my mother. The position advertisement closes on the 27th February, while I am still in NZ. I expect that if I get an interview it will be around two weeks after that date.

I have told my supervisor that I would not leave my current position before May, this is because I need to juggle kids, schools, and the cost of the move as well, so a move before then is not really feasible. If the new library wants me then they will be willing to wait I think, and if not, well...I do not mind. Other jobs will come up and if I am up there then I will be in a good position to apply for them. A colleague who I have spoken to pointed out that I could use any free time I have to do some Professional Development, she has a good point.

I am still feeling positive about the move. Scared, because a move is a big decision anytime, but positive. The boys are excited, my ex seems to have little or no issue with it, and my mum is looking forward to it. Not sure what the reality of being up there is going to be like, but it will be a life experience.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

I hope that made you laugh like it made me laugh.

Well, I wrote nearly two weeks ago. Things have changed a little.

I am moving closer to mum in June. I visited her recently and was not impressed with how she is looking and sounding. I have been reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it anyway' and it prompted me to take the step. I feel calm since, and comfortable with my decision. I will give notice at work once I come back from NZ. I think work will be gutted, I have done some good things there, but the time has come for me to move on. Funny how I have had a complete turn around, from thinking I would be there forever, to not really minding that I shall be leaving within a couple of months. The kids are excited about moving closer to my bros.

I have cooled things with S. I like him as a friend, but that is it.

Things with D have picked up again. Going to take it reeeaaal slow this time and not get quite so caught up in the emotions. I must say, how I feel for him has not changed, and I get the definite impression from him that he is the same. It is scary and amazing that we cannot seem to let go of each other. I think we need to spend some real time together to really see if there is a future for us. Spending time in person is different to online and texting.

I went and saw the movie 'He's just not into you' last Friday. Fantastic chick flick, absolutely loved it. Cinema was filled with women and we all interacted with the movie, saying 'awwww' and 'oh no' at certain times. One of the characters was bemoaning todays technology and I can't say I completely disagree.

Once upon a time you only had letters to communicate your love....then phones. Phones were a wonderful invention. But then we got greedy and created mobiles, so we are accessible ALL the time...then all these social networking sites, etc etc. Now we can get rejected in so many different ways. Apparently most people are now dumped/rejected via MSN Messenger and SMS. Sad isn't it. In some ways I wish it was back to just phones. I liken emails to love letters, so they can be nice to have too, but all this availability has made women more obsessive. So now we check our emails five times a day, have our phone on us constantly and check to see if it is working (because he still hasn't called...), log into messenger every chance we get, check our Facebook page, check our Myspace page, check his Myspace page.........but we aren't desperate.

go figure

Sigh.

Goddammit......oh, it isn't so bad I guess....

I am heartsick over D. I miss him incredibly. We have had almost no contact for about 3 weeks and most of the time I am ok, well, when I am busy I am ok. But in those moments when life is quiet memories of him rise up and overwhelm me and I find myself wishing for him to be back in my life.

I spend time with S and find myself thinking of D almost the entire time. I am glad that S and I are just friends because to be more than that with him would be a lie.

I am going to NZ in 18 days. I am so excited by this, to have this momentous event ticked off my list would be awesome. When I get back I will be counting down to the Pink concert in July, then I will be counting down to the day I move closer to my mum.

Mum is rather excited by the thought of having me a bit closer, not sure why, lol. Personally, I am concerned about her health, I don't think she is telling me everything I need to know. I do get some feedback from my brothers and they say she is pretty stressed and gets headaches that flatten her for a day or two. I would like to have a job to go to up there, but if it gets to October (when my lease runs out) and I don't, I will move up anyway by the time Term 4 ends, and maybe work with mum for a bit till I get work. She has a cleaning business and I know she would welcome the help.

The kids have settled in to a new year of school. Scott is in Year 8 and I am praying for a better year this year. I am sitting with him now while he completes some homework (title pages, is there really a point to these?). We have spent an hour on Maths work, this is his particular weakness and an area I will push him in this year. So far he is happy with his teachers and his buddy who was a major distraction last year is only in three of his classes.

Work is good. Been really busy last week, and this week is looking to be the same. Got welcomed back by more of my parents today, such a good feeling. My schedule is getting busier as I get in touch with more of my outreach places (or they call me) and as I continue to prepare for upcoming weeks (particularly the time when I am away).

My weight...hmmm...not sure I want to talk about it. I think I have put on at least two kilos. Not happy with myself about falling off the wagon. Only I can make the changes needed though.

on a bit of a downer

yeh, not feeling top of the world today. Went to see the counsellor on Tuesday, sat in the waiting room for an hour with no sign of him, and left. Spent the last half hour of the waiting justifying staying there by thinking about how i really will not be able to fit in another visit any time soon. Had to give up tho, had my toddler coming home within the following half hour and was not interested in rushing the session. So I have to forge ahead 'alone' so to speak.

Been trying to work out what might have triggered this current state of mind. I told a whopper of a lie recently and it is really sitting badly with me, so that could be part of it. Went on a date last night, a second date, but third time we have met, this is with M. He is a nice guy, very gentlemanly and funny online, but in person he is rather irritating and i could see that i probably was not going to see him again. So maybe that was part of it too.

Work is fine, I am a little bored and I have not been back a week yet. I guess it is up to me to spice it up, so to speak. Got a few training sessions coming up so that should make things interesting. I have to run some training sessions as a result of the training i am going to, should finally get me that pay rise, lol. I am looking forward to seeing the kiddies next week and singing again.

My time spent with S is going well, we have been spending at least one day together for the last 6 or 7 weeks. Recently we had a chat and he has told me he is not looking to settle down at this point. However we talk at least twice a day on the phone, spend an hour chatting on line, text through the day, he has met my mum (she likes him), and my ex (that was funny, neither my ex and I were expecting S to be there and ex was very unsettled, managed to pull together enough to spend five or so minutes discussing bikes with S). hmmmm. Well, I enjoy his company and we are friends, and for now I shall be happy with that.

But maybe that too is adding to my emotional state. I heard that bloody Nickelback song today that is every lonely persons anthem....ummm....Gotta Be Somebody. I used to sing that at the top of my lungs and now I just want to hide under a rock when i hear it. So I don;t think that helped today.

sigh

Toddler is gorgeous. We have been watching Playschool Nursery Rhymes over and over again this week, his favourite is Jack and Jill. When Jack is going up the hill Toddler says 'Careful!', then when Jack falls down (yet again, lol), Toddler sighs and says 'Fix it with paper!'. He is such a character. We read a Bob the Builder book that is about Bob having a birthday. So Toddler doesn't sing 'Bob the Builder, can we fix it', he sings ' Bob the Builder, birthday cake' over and over, lol. He also likes to run around in circles singing Jingle Bells. Hmmm, he sings alot. He is very sweet and very cheeky and I adore him.

My older two are at my mum's this week. It means this week has been rather less stressful and much quieter. I will be having all of them pretty much full time as of next week, it will be somewhat challenging and I will need to keep a close eye on my emotions and make sure I get enough sleep.

A sight I love to behold