disturbed

example of brief interaction with teen...

Teen: mum, do we have any polystyrene?

Me: no

Teen: what about the boxes in the garage?

Me: no, they store my craft mags cos they are waterproof

Teen: The top one is empty

Me: That's because I used it for christmas drinks. When it dries out the mags are going back in there

Teen: (silence)

The next day...

Teen: do you have any polystyrene I can have

Me: no.......why?

Teen: I want to make napalm

Me: (be silent, walk away, deep breaths, don't cry)

________________________________________________________________

Yesterday he broke a window in the garage. He seemed to be having fun. I lost it at him. I kept it brief, walked away, and barely spoke to him for the rest of the afternoon.

Christmas Eve

I wish you all the best. I hope you and any loved ones have a safe and happy holiday season.

Took Teen to the GP who had a good old chat to both of us, read over the report from the psych and supported her opinion that Teen has ADHD, but remained skeptical about the Schizophrenia. Since there is almost no question about the ADHD (insert parental guilt here) we have been referred to the Mental Health Services here and I am now waiting on a call from them to set up an appointment.

I wish my pride had not stopped me from seeking help for Teen sooner...five or more years ago really. Right now I worry about his future. I can see that now the process has begun there is some hope for his future...but still.

My brothers are a good example of how I don't want Teen to end up. I sometimes wonder if I was adopted, because I seem quite different from all of them. My brothers are all younger than me. L is 28, has not had a job in about 5yrs, sits at home on his computer playing games or watching tv, has had drug problems in the past, has not had a girlfriend in about 9yrs, has no real prospects. A is nearly 21, is heavy into alcohol and drugs, has not held down a job for more than a couple of months since he left highschool. H has ADD and mild Aspergers, he is 19, and also a drug user, although apparently not as bad as A, has never had a job and was unable to complete highschool.

These are the men in the periphery of my Teen's life. Combine that with over hormonal peers, a dad who struggles with interactive parenting and a mother at her wit's end and the prospects for Teen don't look so great either.

So I am placing alot of hope in the treatment that I expect Teen to receive in the New Year. Please God, let it produce positive results.

So...tomorrow is Christmas. I am thankful that my mum has made it to her second Christmas since getting sick. We did not expect her to make it to the first. My brother A is behaving badly towards mum at the moment, so if he comes to lunch tomorrow things may be a little tense. This has been the poorest Christmas I can ever remember. I actually haven't bought the boys anything yet, I just have not had any money. They are at their dad's for Christmas, so I get an extra week to go present shopping (yay for crazy Christmas Sales).

I am tired of drama. There has been such alot of it these last few months, at my home, at derby, at mum's. I would love a little peace. Actually, with the boys away at their dad's for Christmas, it has been rather peaceful :-) I put Teen on the train yesterday. He and his bro's will be back Monday week.

I read back over this year's posts...all 15 of them lol. It's been a really tough year. A stressful year, a money poor year, a year of worry. I hope 2011 brings some happiness. I hope I remember to write about all the good stuff that I know happens.

Be safe

searching for the positives...

Truly, I am, but they seem few and far between.

It's amazing how lonely you can feeling when standing in the midst of friends.

What is it about being single that makes a person feel incomplete? Why is there this overpowering need/want/desire to have somebody to share life with? Why is it that some people seem perfectly happy with their singular status? Is it fake? Is it extreme selfishness?

It's amazing how alone you can feel when dealing with the many burdens of life. How each little event just piles up, all the while so does the washing, and the dishes, and the rest of the household jobs that seem too much to deal with. Friends are there, but they can't ease the burden, or you think your burden isn't enough to bother them with, or your pride gets in the way, so you don't ask for help.

Took Teen back to psychologist for the results from some written tests we had done. She discussed the findings with us, had some one on one time with Teen, called me back in the room and stated that she felt that while he does appear to have ADHD, she actually believed he showed signs of Schizophrenia. She then apologised.

sigh

We're off to the GP next week to have chat to him and see what our options are. I want to get Teen extensively tested to ensure that it is Schizoprehia and not ADHD. The diagnosis by the Psychologist is unconfirmed, it is an opinion rather than a fact (although the test results were pretty damning).

Needless to say I spent the next couple of days after the 'diagnosis' reading up on it, and then crying off and on. I told my mum about what we had been doing. I started off by saying Teen and I had been going to a Psychologist and that she had initially felt he was ADHD, my mum stopped me there and said 'Can I just say I told you so?'

bitch

I burst into tears at that comment. Told her to shut up and let me tell the rest of the story. She did, and I did, and then we chatted about it for the next couple hours, with me crying off and on just from the stress of all of it, and the fear for his future. She was kind of reassuring. One of my brothers has learning disabilities and so mum has dealt with the mental health unit, and with local Dr's and the like, so she had a bit of useful info. She offered to take Teen off my hands now and then so that I could have a break, and this is something I really appreciated as it can be challenging having him around (as previous posts can attest to).

I posted on my Facebook recently...

ok, so you know how the saying is 'God only gives you as much as you can handle'? Well, God, you can stop giving now, please. I need a break...

I lie in bed sometimes and wonder what I am going to have to deal with next. Then I get up and I handle whatever 'it' is.

In my selfish moments I wonder if I will ever find a man who will willingly take on me and my kids. I feel the possibility creeping further and further away. A friend said to me last night 'You are so awesome, I love you!' and I said to her, 'Why is it only women ever say that to me? Where is there a man who will see it, recognise it, and love me too?'

I think that was too much thinking for her grog addled brain lol.

The Derby AGM has been and gone and was nowhere near as painful as expected. Actually, it was pretty painless. I think my report was the longest one, I talked for about 10 minutes, answered a couple of uncomplicated questions, and was done. There has been a few changes in the make up of the Exec and general committees, but it looks to be people who will be good in the roles. The next year will be interesting.

We had our Derby Xmas Party last night and I went, had a meal, chatted to a few people, and found myself wishing I was at home with a good book. I was kind of bored.

I have a derby friend who I am struggling to be friends with at the moment, I shall call her J. She is a challenging personality, in that she is very...how do I describe her...full on...hmmm, yeh I guess that's the best I can do. J has mood swings, takes minor things personally, acts inappropriately at times (like at the AGM, I was sitting talking serious Derby business with a colleague and she sat across from me and threw a bit of paper at me. I actually told her off, I said 'now is not the time or place for this' and frowned at her. She got all sulky and opened up the piece of paper and showed me that it said 'I love you', and I said 'that's sweet, but now is really not the time'. It actually really irritated me). She is not well liked in the league. I persist with the friendship because I do like her at times, but lately her sulkiness and her rudeness is getting a little worse, and I am getting a little less tolerant (with all the shit I have to deal with, her's does not even rate). The most current...

J's boyfriend is a ref with the league. His ex-girlfriend, let's call her Shiny, joined (at least 6 mths ago, maybe longer). Shiny is not interested in J's boyfriend. Way back when Shiny joined, J chucked a tanty about the ex-g joining, went on and on about how this girl joined just to piss her off. That drama got settled, somewhat, and J and Shiny ignore each other at training and events and move in a different crowd. J gets the shits if her boyfriend talks to the ex-g. I am friends with Shiny, she is a funny, nice girl. I refuse to take sides (not that the Shiny asks it of me, she could care less about J). I think J doesn't handle the fact that people in general like Shiny. Shiny is also on the General Committee and is very good at the role she has. J, on the other hand, has managed to screw up the two committee positions she has held in the last year (because of her behaviour).

Anyway, I was out with J the other night, with some other girls from the league. J went on and on about Shiny, about how she joined to piss off J, about how she is crap at her job etc etc. The thing is, she calls Shiny 'It'. I find this incredibly offensive (especially having read 'A Boy called "It"'). I find her behaviour childish, and inappropriate (her dislike of Shiny is based on personal, apparently non-existent issues). Calling a human being 'It' is about as low as you can go, and when Shiny is actually a really nice, genuine person, the term grates on me even more.

So I am backing off from the friendship. Not obviously, but I just don't have alot of time or tolerance for J anymore. I think she may be a bit mentally unstable, an opinion that I know a couple of Execs share with me after having worked with her. I am one of the few friends she has in the league, so that makes it harder, but after the other night, listening to her going on, I really don't think I can be a good friend to her. We were seated near each other at dinner last night, and I couldn't handle it, couldn't handle listening to her going on and on about whatever subject interested her at the time (she is hard to shut up). Once I had finished my meal I got up and moved away and sat elsewhere. I didn't make it obvious that I moved because of her, I just went and talked to someone else and then chose to stay where I was, but I think she noticed anyway. Later, when she was leaving, she came up to me and kept going on about how we'll have to catch up through the week and do something together.

shrug

She has a Nutrimetics party on in Jan that I am going to, that will be enough.

D got in touch with me, crapped on about how he wanted to grow up and be a man, said he wanted to date me...blah blah blah. I am not holding my breath. That was about two weeks ago and...nothing...lol...surprise surprise. I am honestly not fussed. I mean it. I really don't care. I am on dating sites, I am talking to men, I am not sitting around waiting for D to prove himself.

I think I am partly to blame for how things ended up. I met him at a time when I was not well emotionally, then when he withdrew I did not cope well. It's never been the same since.

I have been reading an interesting book called 'Act like a Lady, Think like a Man'. It is written by a man and talks about having self respect, not giving yourself too soon (he advocates ninety days), so that you can determine that the guy is around for you and not for the goodies. He talks about three indications that a man has strong feelings for you - Profess (he wants you to meet his friends and family, he wants to take you out and show you off to the world), Protect (physically, from danger; generally, by making sure you are safe, by giving advice he thinks will help you), Provide (financially, but not necessarily so. He can provide by helping you out in other ways, like fixing your car, or getting a mate to do it). I saw all those behaviours in D2 and T, the other two guys I have seriously dated in this last 2 yrs, didn't work out, but still...

So, I'm reading this and thinking about all the times I needed D to be a man for me, like in April last year when my mum was in hospital, or when I moved up to this city and knew no-one, or when I had my car accident and had no idea how to go about buying a new car and subsequently got ripped off. He was in my life, but not for me, for the goodies. And that's my fault. I gave up the goodies before he earned the right to have them.

Lesson learned.

Blech

I am looking down at my chubby little hands and my flabby arms, and at the rolls on my belly, and wondering 'how the hell did I end up like this?'

I know the answer - years of poor diet, emotional eating, self indulgence, insufficient exercise, justification that if I did half an hour of exercise I can eat that junk food for lunch..etc etc etc

I disgust myself

I know that only I can change this, that I need to find the willpower, the motivation, the desire to be more (or in this case, less, lol) than who I am. I won't pretend that I will be happier if I lose weight, but I will be able to find and wear clothes that are attractive, rather than shapeless, I will have more energy, I will feel more attractive.

It's not even that hard, which is partly why I am disgusted. It's getting up half an hour earlier to go for a walk, it's not driving towards a take away shop and saying, 'two burgers aren't going to hurt', it's not going for a walk and then saying 'oh, I will reward myself by getting chocolate'. It's parking further away from my destination and walking. It's taking my kids swimming, and doing some swimming of my own.

Back when I visited my best friend we talked about our weight and I had aimed to have lost 10kgs. It was achievable. Instead I feel fatter than ever and I am afraid to get on my scales and see how much I have gained.

blech

A little heartbroken and lost

Teen has been stealing from me. He has gone through my cupboards and drawers in my bedroom and taken items from there. He goes through the cupboards in the kitchen and helps himself to whatever he wants without checking that it is ok to have (there has been a number of occasions where he has eaten food set aside for school lunches). I have one shelf in the kitchen that I reserve for myself, it has my healthy snacks, my protein powder and, on the rare occasion there is enough money in the house, it is where I put my chocolate.

Trust in this house is assumed. Basic respect of space and property is expected. Unfortunately Teen seems to have completely bypassed the lessons on trust and respect. Nothing is safe from his prying hands and eyes. If he wants something, he takes it. He has lost all my tools by not returning them after use, destroyed my garden fork because he had the shits, destroyed an outdoor broom that belongs to the owners of the house, put dents in the walls.

The current last straw was when I went to my cupboard last night to enjoy some chocolate that my brother had bought me as a gift. It was gone. I immediately confronted Teen, who said he took some. I pointed out that the whole block was gone, so where was the rest of it? He got it from his school bag. Less than half a block. I was close to tears, I had been looking forward to this treat all day. I yelled at him, saying that it was a gift from my brother, that Teen invades every space in this house, so why could I not have just this one shelf that he does not touch? He had nothing for me, did not seem phased by how upset I was.

I feel like I have nothing left for him. Trust and respect is so important to me and I feel that it is beyond me to generate any more forgiveness for this person who cares so little for other people's things.

I am devastated. I do not know what to do. I do not want to be around him. I do not want him near me. I want to turn my back on him. I am so lost.

I feel like a failure as a parent.

Reflective and sad

I had it in my head that I only post on here when I am miserable, so I was glad to see that the last couple of posts are actually pretty positive :)

I love Roller Derby. I love how it brings such an eclectic group of people together who share the passion and have this, if nothing else, in common. I was so happy to find a place in this town that allowed me to tap into my personality even more and helped me to discover or acknowledge more about myself (like that I am lazy and easily distracted when it comes to exercise lol). I came to the league as an average skater, able to stay upright and skate in a circle, but no real skills to speak of. Even I am impressed with how far I have come in the last year. I haven't skated much for the last few months, but I can put my skates on and still execute a T-Stop, and one knee fall, a Porn Star and a Baseball Slide. I can still sticky skate and whip and jump. I can feel the hunger building again, the desire to get out there and block, and hit, and defend, to feel the fishnet burn as I take a slide. And it is my league, the girls and boys of the league I love, that has brought me to where I am today.

So to have the unity of our league threatened is breaking my heart. I am hurting, not just for myself, but for all the girls and guys who are being affected by the words and actions of a small group within the league. Someone recently described them as cancerous, and I can't entirely disagree with that description. I think the fact that our AGM is about to happen has exacerbated the issue. There are so many little dramas and goings-on that have happened over the last 6 mths or so, happenings that have culminated in our Head Coach walking out, our President and Grievance Officer coming close to mental break downs, and anger, so much anger. So much anger! And the anger comes from men and women who are passionate about the sport, passionate about our league, men and women who are scared that this little group will damage our league beyond repair. I too stand scared that this will change the league forever, will scar it. Maybe it is being blown out of proportion, and honestly, some of what has happened has made for a good laugh...but the anger...

Time will tell

I gave D the flick again. Not interested in going into it, it simply was never going to move forward. I was sad for a few days and then a bit angry (at myself and him). But then I was over it. I have spent some time reflecting on different things I did during the time I knew him and realise that I made my share of mistakes, as you do, but I am glad to move on from it all.

Little Boy just came out to me and snuggled his sleepy goodness into my arms.

I need to hold on to the little positives and joys in my life to get me through the days when I struggle to breathe.

ah...and now to the kids

It is now that I am realising, more than ever, that the way males and females think and do are very very different (yes, I am being general, just because it is easier). I always dreaded the teen yrs, because as a teen I was (to my mind) evil personified. At least till I left home anyway. So, in comparison, my Teen is actually not too bad. He comes home at his curfew, he does a few jobs around the house when asked (or at least on the same day) and without complaining, he turns up at school, he still makes me laugh occasionally, and he still gives me a hug and a kiss and tells me he loves me at least once a day. These things I appreciate and love. But I fear for his future. I fear for his growth into a good man (I've been reading Celia Lashie's book 'He'll be Ok'). He has stolen from me, nothing major, but it's the principle of the matter. He has gone into my room and gone through my draws and cupboards and taken things. He has destroyed objects that do not belong to him. His anger towards his brothers hurts me and scares me a little.

So I had a mental health assessment done by our GP and we were referred to a Child Psych. We have attended two sessions with her. Teen is not impressed, and to be honest, after reflection, neither am I. He does not like her because her manner is a little odd, she is not someone I could see him connecting with. I am not impressed because at the last session I felt like it became a 'me and her against him' type session (I sit in on the sessions). She even used the words 'make your mother happy' as his incentive for completing some basic short term goals. Like that is really going to work (and surprise surprise, after nearly a week nothing is achieved).

Seeing a woman counsellor is like having another mother growling at him, another woman who cannot relate to how Teen, as a male, is feeling. My feeling is that he needs a male counsellor, psych, whatever. He has no good male role model in his life, no adult male he can ask questions of (although at this age apparently they don't do that anyway). There is no one to give him guidance on how to be a good man. Celia Lashie's book was a good read, as have been other books I have been reading that have enlightened me a little about men's behaviour. But it doesn't help me/us/him in the raw physicality of negotiating teenagehood.

I have moments where I hate, with a passion, that I have to go through this apparently alone. I have moments where I look at the fact that once his years are done, I will have the next boy moving into it, and then the next, and I just want to cry. I will have no break from teenagers for the next 14 or so yrs.

I am asked fairly regularly whether working with kids makes me want to have more. For a brief period this year, when close friends were having babies or falling pregnant, I would have said 'yes'. I got over it. Living with a teenager is an excellent birth control method. If I had another within the next year I would have twenty years of teenagers to look forward to. No thank you very much.

So where are Teen and I at now? Well, I guess I shall be calling the Psych this week and discussing my concerns with her. If need be we shall go back to the GP and seek another referral, or I shall source some community counselling service for him (the Psych is pretty bloody expensive).

No. 2 is plodding along nicely. I celebrate his achievements, try to hug him at least once a day (he's not a huggy person but he does it willingly), and make sure he knows I love him (as I do with all of them).

Little Boy...took him to the Dr when he was pretty sick with the flu a few months ago and she mentioned that his heart sounded a little irregular and perhaps we should have it checked again the next time he is at the Dr's. So I took him in for his 4yr old shots last week (yes, there is a large gap between a few months and last week, let's call it 'preferring to be ignorant') and mentioned it to the GP we saw. He had a listen and said that yes, it did sound as if there was a heart murmur and how about we get an ECG done to investigate further. We discussed Little Boys' development (which, other than being pretty short for his age, is coming along beautifully) and left it at that. I can't get an ECG appointment before the new year.

Needless to say, having the concern confirmed and acknowledged was rather upsetting. It does not matter if a Dr says it may be nothing, at the moment it is something and it is a scary something and it brings up my fear of losing any more of my children. I'm not coddling him, I am not that kind of mother, but I look at him and try to imagine a life without him in it and so I treasure the cuddles, and the kisses, and the silly games we play, and the sulks, and the innate reasonableness and desire to please that abounds in his personality.

It was the same when Teen was getting his tests done for his leg and his head. I can't imagine a life without my boys (although some days I pray for a little peace and strength).

At times I find the saying 'God only gives you as much as you can handle' going through my head. Depending on my mood I sigh and reach down a bit deeper to get the strength I need (although in reading that I am thinking perhaps I need to be reaching out to Him more instead), or I get a bit angry that yet again I have fear and pain and unhappiness stretching their tendrils into my life. I place no blame on God, he is a rock in the storm.

Life is not easy, but I get a bit tired of it being 'not easy' so often.

Reading with Little Boy

Procrastinating is what I am doing at the moment. I am working on my final uni assignment for this semester and find it both boring and intriguing at the same time. It is an essay on cognitive development. Children in general interest me - their differing behaviours and reactions, how they think and interpret situations. Writing about it, on the other hand, is blah. I am merely repeating what others have written before me.

Little Boy (formerly Toddler) and I love to read together at bedtime. If it is not too late we will always read at least one story, but if he gets to bed on time we read three, and if he gives me big smoochy kisses and hugs I might be convinced to read a fourth! A current favourite is 'Boris Monster : Scared of Nothing', and another is the 'Wiggly Word House' (we have read this so much I groan when he pulls it out of the shelf, but I still read it). Last night we were reading a Dora the Explorer seek and find book, another one that has been a long time favourite of his and makes me groan when I see it. Sometimes when I get bored with a book we make it silly. In the Dora book we pretend that what we have to find is called something else, e.g. a book is an elephant, a ruler becomes a chicken, a dog becomes a boot. Since I love to hear him laugh, and he thinks games like this are pretty damn funny, it makes reading the book (for the thousandth time) much more enjoyable.

Anyway, all this reading on cognitive development also makes me pay attention to how Little Boy views things, and he is of an age where I can ask him questions about why he thinks something is what it is. In this case, he showed me a picture of a turtle and said 'this is a turtle'. Of course I immediately said 'no, it's a banana' and was rewarded with a giggle, but then I asked him 'How do you know it's a turtle?' We were silly for a bit longer, and then he pointed to it and said 'it's legs'
Me 'because they are short?'
Little Boy 'yes....and his thing on his back'
Me 'the shell? That's called a shell'
Little Boy ' yes, his shell'.
He looked at the pic for a few seconds more and then announced 'and his googly eyes!'
Of course that set us both laughing.

I love reading books with my Little Boy