and I don't even notice. Too busy to notice. I have logged into the blog a few times in the last six weeks and then got sidetracked and ran out of time to actually write.
hmmm...where to begin?
Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.
Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.
Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.
Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.
Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
So we shall see.
Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.
What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
struggling
It has been a tough month.
My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.
My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.
Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.
I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.
Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.
My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.
My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.
Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.
I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.
Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
still fine...
still churned up over the ex having a girlfriend, and it is still about HIM having someone when I cannot find a man who actually wants to get to know me without stifling me.
lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.
I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.
I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.
lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.
I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.
I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fine....
is what I say when things aren't really fine at all, but maybe I am still processing my options. Or I am just not fine.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Pretty pleased with myself
I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.
Not so.
In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.
BUT....
I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....
Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)
Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)
Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)
Equals overall - 21cm (8in)
As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.
At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.
I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!
Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.
My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.
No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.
Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.
So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.
About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.
I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.
Not so.
In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.
BUT....
I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....
Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)
Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)
Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)
Equals overall - 21cm (8in)
As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.
At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.
I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!
Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.
My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.
No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.
Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.
So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.
About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.
I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.
Monday, November 30, 2009
hmmm
I had a car accident on the 8th Nov. Just realised my last post was about me having a dream that included something to do with a car accident. Odd.
I wrote off the car though. I came out of a roundabout in the wet and the back end fishtailed, I panicked, hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ended up putting the car through a shop window. I came out of it ok, I ended up with a sore neck and back but x-rays ruled out any damage.
Maybe I should write that letter...
I now have a Toyota Camry a few years older than my last car, but low km's and good interior and boot space. I took it for a drive to Sydney recently and it handled it really well.
I got my P plates for my motorbike...YAY!!! The testing day was pretty stressful and I just scraped through, but I got it :-)
I started doing the Couch to 5km (C25K) challenge just before my car accident (I had done day1 week1). I rested for a week, then was back into Roller Derby training and did D2W1 of C25K. I was finding that my legs were getting pretty sore at around the 14 min mark. Today I did D3W1 and totally aced it :-D I think the difference was I spent 10mins on the stationary bike, then I went and stretched out my legs, then I did 10mins brisk walk as warm up before starting the interval training. I got to the mid point and felt really good, so began increasing the speed of the jog sections, from 7km/hr up to 8km/hr. Handled it well and completed the session, but decided to keep going. I ended up doing 4kms in 40mins, which I think is pretty good for someone who is not a runner.
Been chatting to G lately. He is 38, has shared care of 2 boys and seems like a nice, straight forward kind of guy. He was adopted, has one younger sister, both his adoptive parents have passed away (he does not know his biological parents). He was raised by his dad from when he was 13. We have talked on the phone a fair bit and today I met him in person. I liked him ok, he was talkative and seems uncomplicated, although he was a bit forward. If someone asked me to use one word to describe him I would say 'solid'. Not flighty, not moody, not intense. He is passionate about his boys.
Looks like I am 'doing' Christmas this year. I thought it would be a joint thing between mum and me, but that does not seem to be how it is turning out. Money is incredibly tight this year, so it looks like there will be a family present for me and the boys and then I will get them something little each. Teen's birthday is in January, so I will make that a bit more special. I think this is the only time when I miss the income of full-time work. Time to get creative.
I wrote off the car though. I came out of a roundabout in the wet and the back end fishtailed, I panicked, hit the accelerator instead of the brake and ended up putting the car through a shop window. I came out of it ok, I ended up with a sore neck and back but x-rays ruled out any damage.
Maybe I should write that letter...
I now have a Toyota Camry a few years older than my last car, but low km's and good interior and boot space. I took it for a drive to Sydney recently and it handled it really well.
I got my P plates for my motorbike...YAY!!! The testing day was pretty stressful and I just scraped through, but I got it :-)
I started doing the Couch to 5km (C25K) challenge just before my car accident (I had done day1 week1). I rested for a week, then was back into Roller Derby training and did D2W1 of C25K. I was finding that my legs were getting pretty sore at around the 14 min mark. Today I did D3W1 and totally aced it :-D I think the difference was I spent 10mins on the stationary bike, then I went and stretched out my legs, then I did 10mins brisk walk as warm up before starting the interval training. I got to the mid point and felt really good, so began increasing the speed of the jog sections, from 7km/hr up to 8km/hr. Handled it well and completed the session, but decided to keep going. I ended up doing 4kms in 40mins, which I think is pretty good for someone who is not a runner.
Been chatting to G lately. He is 38, has shared care of 2 boys and seems like a nice, straight forward kind of guy. He was adopted, has one younger sister, both his adoptive parents have passed away (he does not know his biological parents). He was raised by his dad from when he was 13. We have talked on the phone a fair bit and today I met him in person. I liked him ok, he was talkative and seems uncomplicated, although he was a bit forward. If someone asked me to use one word to describe him I would say 'solid'. Not flighty, not moody, not intense. He is passionate about his boys.
Looks like I am 'doing' Christmas this year. I thought it would be a joint thing between mum and me, but that does not seem to be how it is turning out. Money is incredibly tight this year, so it looks like there will be a family present for me and the boys and then I will get them something little each. Teen's birthday is in January, so I will make that a bit more special. I think this is the only time when I miss the income of full-time work. Time to get creative.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Disturbed
I am feeling very unsettled and emotional today.
Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.
I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.
As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.
After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.
This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.
Last night I dreamt of my own death. Well...I dreamt that I was dying (the impression I got was that I had been in a car accident and was terminal, but I was still mobile, so not sure what the actual injury was) and that I had chosen to be euthanised. In the dream I had been given the euthanasia drug and I was trying to get everything in order and write goodbye letters to my children, but my breathing was becoming laboured and I was struggling.
I woke up crying. I cried and cried and cried. I was afraid to fall back asleep. I was afraid I would not wake up again.
As I read this again I feel tears coming to my eyes. It has really upset me.
After the dream I wanted to get up and write those letters to my children, or just one big letter expressing just how much I love them and how great I think they are. I lay there and wondered how my friends would find out I had died, as I have different groups of friends who are not necessarily aware of each other. I wondered if I should leave my password to my computer somewhere, so that my msn and facebook and email files could be accessed.
This has really screwed with my already currently messed up head.
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