It is sooo close

Only 39 hours till the plane is scheduled to taxi down the run way and take me to NZ. I am so so so excited!!!!!

D and I have continued to chat and will be spending a couple of hours together tomorrow morning, before I take the boys to my mums for the week. I have no idea where things will go with us.

I am applying for a position at a library near mum and so was forced to let my supervisor know that I intended to leave within the next couple of months. She looked like she was going to cry, but I simply explained that I felt I needed to be closer to my mother. The position advertisement closes on the 27th February, while I am still in NZ. I expect that if I get an interview it will be around two weeks after that date.

I have told my supervisor that I would not leave my current position before May, this is because I need to juggle kids, schools, and the cost of the move as well, so a move before then is not really feasible. If the new library wants me then they will be willing to wait I think, and if not, well...I do not mind. Other jobs will come up and if I am up there then I will be in a good position to apply for them. A colleague who I have spoken to pointed out that I could use any free time I have to do some Professional Development, she has a good point.

I am still feeling positive about the move. Scared, because a move is a big decision anytime, but positive. The boys are excited, my ex seems to have little or no issue with it, and my mum is looking forward to it. Not sure what the reality of being up there is going to be like, but it will be a life experience.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

I hope that made you laugh like it made me laugh.

Well, I wrote nearly two weeks ago. Things have changed a little.

I am moving closer to mum in June. I visited her recently and was not impressed with how she is looking and sounding. I have been reading 'Feel the Fear and Do it anyway' and it prompted me to take the step. I feel calm since, and comfortable with my decision. I will give notice at work once I come back from NZ. I think work will be gutted, I have done some good things there, but the time has come for me to move on. Funny how I have had a complete turn around, from thinking I would be there forever, to not really minding that I shall be leaving within a couple of months. The kids are excited about moving closer to my bros.

I have cooled things with S. I like him as a friend, but that is it.

Things with D have picked up again. Going to take it reeeaaal slow this time and not get quite so caught up in the emotions. I must say, how I feel for him has not changed, and I get the definite impression from him that he is the same. It is scary and amazing that we cannot seem to let go of each other. I think we need to spend some real time together to really see if there is a future for us. Spending time in person is different to online and texting.

I went and saw the movie 'He's just not into you' last Friday. Fantastic chick flick, absolutely loved it. Cinema was filled with women and we all interacted with the movie, saying 'awwww' and 'oh no' at certain times. One of the characters was bemoaning todays technology and I can't say I completely disagree.

Once upon a time you only had letters to communicate your love....then phones. Phones were a wonderful invention. But then we got greedy and created mobiles, so we are accessible ALL the time...then all these social networking sites, etc etc. Now we can get rejected in so many different ways. Apparently most people are now dumped/rejected via MSN Messenger and SMS. Sad isn't it. In some ways I wish it was back to just phones. I liken emails to love letters, so they can be nice to have too, but all this availability has made women more obsessive. So now we check our emails five times a day, have our phone on us constantly and check to see if it is working (because he still hasn't called...), log into messenger every chance we get, check our Facebook page, check our Myspace page, check his Myspace page.........but we aren't desperate.

go figure

Sigh.

Goddammit......oh, it isn't so bad I guess....

I am heartsick over D. I miss him incredibly. We have had almost no contact for about 3 weeks and most of the time I am ok, well, when I am busy I am ok. But in those moments when life is quiet memories of him rise up and overwhelm me and I find myself wishing for him to be back in my life.

I spend time with S and find myself thinking of D almost the entire time. I am glad that S and I are just friends because to be more than that with him would be a lie.

I am going to NZ in 18 days. I am so excited by this, to have this momentous event ticked off my list would be awesome. When I get back I will be counting down to the Pink concert in July, then I will be counting down to the day I move closer to my mum.

Mum is rather excited by the thought of having me a bit closer, not sure why, lol. Personally, I am concerned about her health, I don't think she is telling me everything I need to know. I do get some feedback from my brothers and they say she is pretty stressed and gets headaches that flatten her for a day or two. I would like to have a job to go to up there, but if it gets to October (when my lease runs out) and I don't, I will move up anyway by the time Term 4 ends, and maybe work with mum for a bit till I get work. She has a cleaning business and I know she would welcome the help.

The kids have settled in to a new year of school. Scott is in Year 8 and I am praying for a better year this year. I am sitting with him now while he completes some homework (title pages, is there really a point to these?). We have spent an hour on Maths work, this is his particular weakness and an area I will push him in this year. So far he is happy with his teachers and his buddy who was a major distraction last year is only in three of his classes.

Work is good. Been really busy last week, and this week is looking to be the same. Got welcomed back by more of my parents today, such a good feeling. My schedule is getting busier as I get in touch with more of my outreach places (or they call me) and as I continue to prepare for upcoming weeks (particularly the time when I am away).

My weight...hmmm...not sure I want to talk about it. I think I have put on at least two kilos. Not happy with myself about falling off the wagon. Only I can make the changes needed though.

on a bit of a downer

yeh, not feeling top of the world today. Went to see the counsellor on Tuesday, sat in the waiting room for an hour with no sign of him, and left. Spent the last half hour of the waiting justifying staying there by thinking about how i really will not be able to fit in another visit any time soon. Had to give up tho, had my toddler coming home within the following half hour and was not interested in rushing the session. So I have to forge ahead 'alone' so to speak.

Been trying to work out what might have triggered this current state of mind. I told a whopper of a lie recently and it is really sitting badly with me, so that could be part of it. Went on a date last night, a second date, but third time we have met, this is with M. He is a nice guy, very gentlemanly and funny online, but in person he is rather irritating and i could see that i probably was not going to see him again. So maybe that was part of it too.

Work is fine, I am a little bored and I have not been back a week yet. I guess it is up to me to spice it up, so to speak. Got a few training sessions coming up so that should make things interesting. I have to run some training sessions as a result of the training i am going to, should finally get me that pay rise, lol. I am looking forward to seeing the kiddies next week and singing again.

My time spent with S is going well, we have been spending at least one day together for the last 6 or 7 weeks. Recently we had a chat and he has told me he is not looking to settle down at this point. However we talk at least twice a day on the phone, spend an hour chatting on line, text through the day, he has met my mum (she likes him), and my ex (that was funny, neither my ex and I were expecting S to be there and ex was very unsettled, managed to pull together enough to spend five or so minutes discussing bikes with S). hmmmm. Well, I enjoy his company and we are friends, and for now I shall be happy with that.

But maybe that too is adding to my emotional state. I heard that bloody Nickelback song today that is every lonely persons anthem....ummm....Gotta Be Somebody. I used to sing that at the top of my lungs and now I just want to hide under a rock when i hear it. So I don;t think that helped today.

sigh

Toddler is gorgeous. We have been watching Playschool Nursery Rhymes over and over again this week, his favourite is Jack and Jill. When Jack is going up the hill Toddler says 'Careful!', then when Jack falls down (yet again, lol), Toddler sighs and says 'Fix it with paper!'. He is such a character. We read a Bob the Builder book that is about Bob having a birthday. So Toddler doesn't sing 'Bob the Builder, can we fix it', he sings ' Bob the Builder, birthday cake' over and over, lol. He also likes to run around in circles singing Jingle Bells. Hmmm, he sings alot. He is very sweet and very cheeky and I adore him.

My older two are at my mum's this week. It means this week has been rather less stressful and much quieter. I will be having all of them pretty much full time as of next week, it will be somewhat challenging and I will need to keep a close eye on my emotions and make sure I get enough sleep.

A sight I love to behold

Time flies...

After some more miscommunication D and I have gone our separate ways.

I have been spending quite a bit of time with S and have also had a couple of dates with M. I enjoy S very much, M is much quieter and much more gentlemanly, not sure how either will progress. X is sailing out in a couple of weeks, so my personal time will be greatly reduced.

I am going to NZ. After my last drama with D I said "F*** it" and booked a ticket. Life is too short to worry about things like the kids missing school for one week, or people at work being all needy. I fly out on the 21st Feb.

Started back at work last Friday, it was like I had never been away.

On Holiday

I am on my best friends farm enjoying a break from the city. The kids are here with me and at this point are having an okay time. We are here for a week, I am sure by then I will have had enough of them, lol. I am loving spending time with my friend tho.

We celebrated New Year's Eve last night with a few drinks and a few games of poker. It was a nice evening but I was glad to get to bed.

I am having serious withdrawals from being online and chatting to people. It has only been one day and I am missing it soooo bad! My mobile doesn't work out here either, I am not on the right network.

I picked up and read a copy of 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', and found that it summed up my relationship with D almost perfectly. It was rather bizarre reading it and nodding every few lines. D and I have continued to be in tentative contact, and I met up with him on Christmas Day and spent a couple of hours with him. I discovered that I still felt the spark, but I was reserved with him as I want to proceed cautiously and from what he has said, so does he. He has read through the Depression information I sent him and has said that he sees he has some work to do, he has also said that he will be seeing his doctor early in the new year.