Looking back and moving forward

and all that that entails.

I read back on my last few posts, since it's been a while. I'm happy to say the writing bug is still biting, albeit inconsistently lol. I'm working on a long piece of work that has 3 main characters, one of which is a female. The characters are writing themselves and are going in some interesting directions. I think my work needs a dragon tho. Definitely some magic. I had got into a routine of getting up at 6am and writing till 7ish (usually clocked up 350 odd words), but I've fallen out of that habit for a couple of weeks. I could say I'm doing research, since I'm watching a few shows with strong female characters, but I'd know I was lying. I have been reading tho! THat's research right? In the last three months I have read...

*The Martian by Andy Weir - five stars! I want to read it again, soon. Saw the movie and it was pretty good.

*When by Victoria Laurie - five stars! A YA novel, but well worth reading. About a girl who can see peoples' death dates on their foreheads and because of this is implicated in 2 murders.

*The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde - mmm three stars. Interesting look at how friendships can twist and turn and how obsessed people can become with their looks. I've read reviews that say it was a psychological horror story. Maybe I need to read it again because it didn't strike me like that.

*Under the Dome by Stephen King - five stars! Fantastic read and a million times better than the series

*The Liars' Club: A memoir by Mary Karr - five stars! Mary Karr opens up about her childhood, which was quite dysfunctional. A good insight into children coping with abuse and difficult divorce

*The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath - four stars. A known classic. A somewhat autobiographical piece. Interesting to watch the character as she loses her way mentally. Could relate to some of her experiences and feelings.

*Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters - four stars. The author's debut novel. Had no idea what the book was about before I started it. Set in the late 1800's. It explores gender roles in the Victorian Era, focussing on lesbian love mostly. A little shocking, a little surprising, definitely interesting.

*Little Stranger by Sarah Waters - four stars. Read this one before Tipping the Velvet. Interesting read, slow-paced. Set in post WWII Warwickshire. Main character is a Dr Faraday, a country Dr who becomes involved with the local gentry. Features a poltergeist (not quite as exciting as you'd hope).

So you can see that my reading has been quite varied :-) I've had a few late nights and may have read at work once or twice.

Ah! Work! So, I did my AIN course, then went ahead and did Enrolled Nursing. My bro did not tag along as he and his lovely fiancee have had not one, but two children in the last 2 yrs! He is the stay at home dad, while Em tutors and goes to uni. Seems to work for the 2 of them but doesn't bring much money in, Anyway, halfway through my EN course I got employed by an agency as an AIN, so I work casual, usually 2 nights a week, on a variety of wards in a variety of hospitals in the local region. For the most part I like the work. I work nights because that is what suits best. I have completed my EN course and now just need to come up with the money to register.

I've had a number of people suggesting I go and do my RN's at uni. I am not at all interested in doing my RN's, but have had trouble convincing a couple of my friends of this. Anyway, the thought of going back to uni did appeal and so I looked at what I was interested in. I've been accepted into a Bachelor of Science, starting next yr. I'm a bit excited about it. If I do well I'll consider a grad dip in forensic science. The uni I am going to used to do a specialty in Forensics, but have ceased that course, much to my annoyance. I'm not prepared to move to Sydney to study Forensics, so will take the long way round, if I do it at all. I plan to major in Biology. I have only told a couple of people, and none of the ones who were pushing me to do RN's. Ugh. How to explain that I'm going to uni for the pleasure of learning rather than in the simple pursuit of yet another career? I don't even know what my goal is by doing this degree. I do think it is funny that once I finish I'll have a Bachelor of Social Science, a Grad Dip of Applied Science, and a Bachelor of Science. Science nerd much LOL!

I can't see myself doing nursing forever. I like it, love aspects of it, but it's hard on the body. My body is, to my disgust, not as young as it once was. I have aches and pains that get in the way of doing some things. Nursing is not a career for a sore body. Maybe I'll go back into libraries, but medical ones. Maybe I'll be a research assistant. I don't know.

The oldest boy left home about 6 months ago. I did not throw a party, cos that would be rude. Love him, but he's caused me so much grief at times that I was not sorry to see him leave. He lives in the area, but I've seen him only twice. He texts me occasionally (very occasionally). Sometimes I text him just to check he is alive. The other two boys don't seem to miss him.

I haven't coped well as a parent this last 18 mths. It hasn't been all bad, but my youngest has missed quite a bit of school, and teen isn't where he should be with his schooling. They get fed, but not always well. They always have clean clothes and a roof over their heads. Anyway, had a bit of a melt down a couple of months ago and called my ex to ask if he would take them on. They're good kids, it's not their behaviour that is the problem, it's all me. I'm just so tired. Exhausted. I feel like everything is a constant struggle and I just wanted it to stop. So they are moving to their dads early next yr. I've shed a lot of tears and had a bit of guilt. Thankfully, my ex is incredibly excited about the prospect of having his boys with him. My youngest is 9 and will get to be a big brother to his half-brothers, who are 5 and 3. Mr 9 is also excited about going to live with his dad and brothers. Teen is ok with it. He sees that there will be more job and training opportunities for him there. I will miss them. It will be weird. In 38 years I have only ever lived alone for 2 months. Mind you, I won't be completely alone as we have a fox terrier and 2 cats. The dog thinks I am amazing (he's right). The cats are cats. I am glad the house won't be echoing with silence.

Back at the gym. It's taken a long time to get there again. My foot took quite a while to heal. I go 3 times a week at the moment, I use the elliptical and the bike and I have just started running again. I also swim sometimes. I want to get back into weights but I have a shoulder issue that is being annoying by not going away (bursitis and nerve impingement). I'll get there tho. I was so proud and excited to be running again. Not fast and not far (best is 2.8 km in 30 mins), but that is ok. I don't want to hurt myself again. I weigh a stupid amount, triple digits, and so my goal is to get back down to double digits again. It's going to take a while and I need to work on my food, and probably exercise every day, but it will happen. In the meantime my focus is mostly on getting my muscles strong.

What else...hmmm...oh. I've been single for 6 mths. Dated a younger guy for about 6 mths (saw him once a week). Broke it off cos his house was a filthy pigsty and he smelt funny. Don't miss him, don't miss dating or anything associated with the same. I am quite happy being single again. I'm not on any sites. As I say to anyone who asks, 'not dating, not looking'. I cut D out of my life completely, I don't know how long ago this was, but I've spent some time healing. He got married a few months ago, to the girl he said he wasn't engaged to. Funny that. I could ruin his marriage, but I won't. I don't care about him any more.

Things are certainly changing for me. It's a roller-coaster ride sometimes, but I'm looking forward and embracing the unknown.

Another good read

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/2015/08/12/daring-greatly/

Sparking the writing flame

I have hardly written a story/poem since I was 17 (I'm not counting blogging here, as that is real, not fictional), thanks to my harshly critical mother. Lately the flame has started to rebuild and I am bringing myself to begin putting words on 'paper' again.

I want my protagonist to be a female. A strong, vibrant, resourceful female who is not a lesbian lol.

Came across this...

http://sachablack.co.uk/2015/08/17/warning-these-5-points-will-help-you-create-awesome-female-villains/

Worth a read, I think.

6 Dirty, Dirty Habits Way Too Many People Around You Have

I definitely find this just a little disturbing



6 Dirty, Dirty Habits Way Too Many People Around You Have

Stomping my feet and having a little cry

Feeling really down and frustrated right now. Took myself off to the Dr about my incredibly painful left heel. I've been ignoring it for months, then in the lead up to nursing prac I went and saw a podiatrist who incorrectly diagnosed the problem and did not help me.

So off to the Dr I went. It's been diagnosed as a calcaneal stress fracture. I know I did it running. Too much, too soon as always (f***ing idiot). So I am supposed to be non-weight bearing for 6-8 wks. Never mind that I have nursing prac in a bit over a week. Told the Dr about it and he suggested I do my prac on crutches. Yeah....no. I will self pain medicate and be on my feet for 8 f***ing hours, 3 days per week for two weeks. Almost in tears over the whole thing as the pain and inconvenience could have been avoided. Just like my high blood pressure, and my weight, I could have resolved it long ago.

I also discussed incontinence with the Dr. Yeh. Embarrassing much? :-/ But the issue I have is worsening and needs to be resolved (nurses don't get many pee breaks).

My day improved when I met a friend for coffee and then we went off to the movies. We had each other giggling all afternoon.

Then...I get home, there's a letter from the Landlord. I assume it's telling me I'm due for an inspection. Nope. It was a letter telling me that I have to move out within 3 months. I've been in this house for 4 and a half yrs. I love it's location. I like my neighbours. I love my small boys' school. I don't want to move and it bloody well sucks that our time here is at an end.

Meh.

3 strikes and I'm out

On to the next date. This time with B, who appeared intelligent and funny via text.

First date, I'm kept waiting, but he has the decency to text to let me know he's running late. He turns up wearing pretty casual clothes and thongs. Although he is 6' 2", he slouches as he walks, so seems shorter. I wave and call out hello as he comes closer, and then he opens his mouth to reply. Oh sweet Lordy Jesus. Meth Mouth. Cannot call it anything else. I try to shrug it off because I've liked his brain so far, but all the while my mind is ticking, because you don't get teeth like that (or a lack of teeth) without some serious drug abuse, or long time poor dental hygiene.

We walk along for about 30mins, chatting about various things. He's unemployed, but had previously worked for 13 yrs in the metal industry. He has a son who is in the custody of B's mother (this really ought to have been a red flag moment). We stopped for coffee and chatted some more. In setting up the meeting, I had made sure that time was limited, as I wanted to have a valid reason for leaving. I have to say, I enjoyed his company. He was pretty nicely spoken, reads interesting books, didn't smell bad. Didn't have a good relationship with his dad, but was very much a mummy's boy. I decided that it wouldn't hurt to continue getting to know him so I asked him if he'd like to see a movie later that week. He said yes.

Yes, the teeth bothered me. He brought them up in conversation and gave me the impression that it was because of a genetic condition. I accepted that, with reservations. It just did not sit quite right.

Next date. We went and had milkshakes before the movies. He held my hand. We talked. Watched the movie. He stole a kiss outside the cinemas (unexpected and not encouraged, but ok). Talked some more. Went up to a lookout and sat watching ships come in for awhile. It was nice. It didn't feel pressured. He had brought up sex a couple of times and I made it clear I wasn't in a rush to go there. He seemed fine with that. Drug use is mentioned but he gives the impression that it wasn't a long term thing. I have my doubts.

I drop him off at his halfway house (yeh. Red flag number 2). He couldn't drive because of being drunk while driving multiple times (red flag number 3). Of course it was the ex's fault. He texts me an hour or so after our 2nd date and tells me he's fallen for me (sigh. Red flag number 4).

Texts are not explicit, but he talks 'sexy' more. I sigh. He says he loves me. I think 'for real? how on earth?'

Date 3. I have to go buy a gazebo and I invite him to come along for the ride. I pick him up. His hand goes on my knee. I can't decide if I mind or not so I leave it. We go find a gazebo. We go for lunch at a food court. He starts talking about one day when we move in together and various things along that line. I laugh it off because, seriously, it's the 3rd date, and it's not much of a date. He has a little whine about how busy I am this coming weekend and how it's hard to juggle things when you have kids (yeh, I know all about that).

I drop him off after lunch.

So, at that stage I like him a bit. No sparks, but I don't expect that anymore. He's nice, and courteous, and ok looking (besides the teeth, which are fixable). I think it could be fine to keep dating, but I'm going to have to tell him to chill out as he's thinking way too far ahead.

I'm at work on the weekend. Long hours, pretty full on. On the Sat he tells me he's having a bad day and doesn't feel like talking, so I leave him to it, don't hear from him again that day or the next morning. The next day I am worried about conserving ph battery so I turn it off at 9. I turn it back on at 11 to find 2 missed calls and 3 messages with him whining about me not answering my ph (along the lines of, 'fine, you don't want to talk to me, whatever'). I ignore all of it and am pretty annoyed by his attitude. I wasn't expecting to hear from him and he knew I was working. He then turns up outside my work, with his mum and son! I wave hello and continue what I am doing. He doesn't come in and talk to me and when I look back up, they have gone.

Right. I am done. I do not need another child. I do not want drama. I text him and say that my ph had been turned off and his comments were childish. I told him he needed to sort out his drama before he dates and that I was not comfy meeting his family after only 3 dates.

He chucked a small tanty.

It was all a little too intense for me.

I think I'll forget about dating for a while. 3 strikes and I'm out.

Another dating fail

I'm so over dating, or maybe I'm over thinking it.

Didn't get anywhere with G. Wasn't an issue that we'd met before, just didn't come of anything.

Started chatting to S. A stay-at-home dad with a young son. Works part-time. Chatted for a couple of weeks before meeting.

We went on a morning play date. I took my youngest and met S's little boy. It went fine, I thought (in comparison to other meet ups I've had). I spent a couple of hours listening to S tell me about his past, with the occasional interjection from myself. I'm used to this, every guy I've ever met has a tendency to just talk about themselves. Our boys got on fine and enjoyed the playground.

I felt the conversation went well. Nothing negative. I was non-judgmental, considerate, empathetic, interested in his kid, blah blah blah. Didn't hear from him till late that night. He responded to my text about enjoying the day and then said he'd thought I was hot. I told him that I hadn't realised he thought that, he asked why, and I said I wasn't sure, I just laughed it off. Then nothing. Sent a good morning text like we've been doing all week, didn't get a reply for hours and then it was just 'hi'.

So I spent some time thinking about it today, about why I hadn't got the impression that he thought I was anything special. I realised it was because he hadn't shown any interest in me and my life. Sure we'd talked and I'd been able to tell him something about myself, but not because he asked.

I think I can strike this one off and go back to not bothering again.

I just don't get it tho. I am a nice person. I am a good person. I am not perfect. Why is it so damn hard to find someone who can enjoy my company, have a conversation with me, show interest in me as a person?

It just feels too hard.

Oh, and D messaged me out of the blue saying he was thinking about us having sex.

....whatever...