sooo...things are over with T. Turns out that he was not an ex-alcoholic, but a current one. He lost his job last week because he turned up drunk. I spent the weekend thinking about whether I wanted a relationship with a person with this disease, and decided that I could not handle it emotionally. I would stress about it and if he ever had a drink I would be a bitch about it, and I said all that to him when I saw him again. He appeared to understand, and we chatted for another hour about other stuff. I am glad that I never got emotionally involved, I enjoyed him as a friend and had just started thinking about a possible future for us when he sat me down and told me about his drinking and his job. It is disappointing that he is such a great guy, with such a massive problem.
Then...I asked D for help with something that I knew he was familiar with, and somehow that led to us meeting up and hanging out for a few hours.
Sigh...I get so frustrated with my own inability to just let him go once and for all.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
how things change
I have never been far away, but as usual, life gets in the way. I miss blogging tho, miss seeing my words on 'paper' and reading back over time. It's not really that hard to take 15mins or so to write, well...you would think.
Anyway
I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.
So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.
Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.
So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).
Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.
Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.
No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.
Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.
Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.
So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)
Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.
Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.
Anyway
I temped at the gov job, did my usual 'fall asleep during the middle of the day out of sheer boredom' thing and decided when that contract ended and I was offered an extension, that no, I would not take it. The money was good and made a huge difference to my financial situation, but the job was detrimental to my uni (I came very close to failing a couple of subjects) and boring as bat shit. The hours also sucked. So I declined the offer and went on my merry way. Did the catalogues for a couple more weeks and then said 'screw this', the pay was crap for the amount of work required and the only benefit was the exercise (which I no longer do and miss). So I was jobless for oh...about 3 weeks..lol. Was at the gym one day and the girl I was with told me about a job listing she had seen in the change room, the gym was looking for someone for their creche. I went in and spoke to the lady, next day I dropped in my paperwork, two days later they called and asked me to do a trial, did that and got the job.
So I have been there for two months now. I can't say I like it all that much, but it is certainly challenging. I work two mornings with a colleague for two hours, and three evenings by myself for 3hrs a night, and every second Sat by myself for 3hrs. I have rearranged my life to fit in with this (which is not great but ...meh). I supervise/care for children aged 5 weeks to 12yrs and can have anywhere from 2 - 24 kids at any given time. I have one child who is there every day who has quite aggressive behaviour and I find she is my main challenge, although when I have 4 babies and they are all requiring my attention I find THAT is a real challenge! I come home feeling tired and feeling like I have not made a difference in the world other than to give some parents time to have a bit of a work-out. The experience is good, but I can't see myself being here long term.
Uni...what a drama that has been this semester. As I mentioned before, I came close to failing a couple of subjects, but stopped working just in time to make an awesome comeback and get two passes and two credits. So I get to this semester, select my subjects, forget about registering for tutorials, go to register and find that I can get almost nothing when it suits me best...meh. Yet again I am missing most of my lectures because they clash with work, but then there is more. One of my subjects, that I was particularly looking forward to, is Creative Arts. however, can't get to the lecture. One of my friends does go and writes to tell me that if I can't attend lectures then I am in a bad way because the Teachers will not be putting anything on the Student website. In other words, the lecture for this subject is compulosry. So I drop out of that subject and I pick up Maths (god forbid). I am already nearly two full weeks behind when this happens so I do a mass study session and catch up on that. I also had K-6 English, another subject I was kind of looking forward to. We have compulsory school visits for this, however the visits aren't assessed, they are just compulsory because the Head Teacher says so. It is an immediate fail if you don't attend. Initially I thought 'no problem at all', but then realised this week that one of the school visits falls when I am going to my best friends to help with her kids while she recovers from a ceasarean. So I contact the teacher to check about the school visits and she says 'withdraw or fail, your choice'. I'm all WTF??? So I can attend 3 of 4 and still fail??? 'yep'. Not happy. I withdraw. There goes $130 on textbooks. Hopefully I can use them next year. I may do 5 subjects in 2nd semester next year, just to try and catch back up. No way was I going to pick up a 2nd year subject 3 weeks into this semester.
So I am studying Maths (not my best subject...ever), Science (which is awesome! This week we extracted DNA from a strawberry and last week we poked holes in potatoes LOL), and Foundations of Child Development (which is all about how children grow up and what it is affected by).
Paid off a big chunk of debt with my tax return, so I am glad for the work I had last year that enabled me to do that.
Teen is going...fine. He has good moments and bad moments, but overall we aren't doing so badly. He is talking about looking for work and maybe staying on at school. The doc decided the lump on his leg was nothing to worry about and so that was that.
No.2 is good, plodding along as always. He attends Scouts now and seems to enjoy it.
Little Boy is gorgeous :-) He is 4 yrs old soon.
Love...lol @ D who is a total fail as far as life is concerned. He lives his life in front of the computer or at work and that just bores me to tears. I gave him the flick again about 3 months ago, and haven't looked back. I realised that at the time I met him he seemed like what I was looking for, but that as time went on I realised that he and I had little in common and he was not really very good at being in a relationship...basically, it was heading in the same direction that my marriage had.
So...about 2 months ago I met T. We have been dating for that time, and only last week took it to a new level. So it has been a nice, slow process of actually getting to know each other. He is 36, has two children that he spends alot of time with, has a stable job, does not live at home with mum and dad, and shares alot of my values and principles. I enjoy talking to him, and listening to him talk. He is a working man, so has a few rough edges, but I actually like that. He has a good work ethic, a good attitude about his kids, and a positive outlook on life. He is an ex-alcoholic, but has attended two years of AA and counselling and is comfortable with where he is at now (it's been about 3yrs since he sorted his stuff out). He had some shit happen in his childhood that he dealt with and now he enjoys a beer for the sake of a beer, rather than as a tool to drown memories. Should I be concerned that he still drinks? We have discussed it. He is very open and up front with me, because that is how he likes it, and from the stories he has told I get the definite impression that his couple of beers an evening are nothing compared to how much he drank before (we watched the movie Pay It Forward, the mother in it has a drinking problem and he told me her behaviour was much the same for him when he was at his worst and trying to quit). I feel ok about it. I am not much of a drinker myself and when I visit him at his house I head for the kettle rather than the fridge. Since this relationship is a slow process I will have time to get to know him and his habits better. He gets on fine with my kids, and I with his, we have had a few 'family' meet ups and our kids got on fine. He's not Prince Charming, but I met that guy and he was a dick, so the side-kick will do me just fine :-)
Mum is still alive and seems to have a new lease on life. She had a boyfriend for a while, but he has recently moved away for work, so I'm not sure how that is going to end up. She has been back outside pottering in her garden again, which is wonderful to see, and she has quilts on the go and one that she completed recently that won her prizes at a quilt show. All good things.
Oh...derby...well...that calf issue I was having is Shin Splints, and it got to the point where I was in tears from the pain at every training session. So I have eased off on the skating alot. I am still involved in other ways, but not bouting. I attend training twice a week, only skate for one of those sessions, and last about an hour before my body has had enough. It is disappointing and had me heartbroken for a bit, but I am better now and finding a new place for myself within the league. Unfortunately the lack of exercise means my weight is creeping up and I am hovering close to three digits again (kept it off for nearly two years tho, yay me). I am struggling to bring my eating under control. Looks like I need to head back to Weight Watchers again.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Time slips on by
and I don't even notice. Too busy to notice. I have logged into the blog a few times in the last six weeks and then got sidetracked and ran out of time to actually write.
hmmm...where to begin?
Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.
Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.
Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.
Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.
Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
So we shall see.
Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.
What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)
hmmm...where to begin?
Work - my old government job called me and asked me to come and temp for them for six weeks. Timing could not have been better as I was sliding further into debt. Now I can crawl back out again :) So I have work till the end of this month at least. Still doing the catalogue drops, I actually like the 2hr walk (I sometimes run between letterboxes which gets a good sweat going). The pay is crap but I will need it when the temping finishes.
Uni - Loving it!!!! Loving the subjects that make me question my own parenting style and the way I look at children. Loving studying the history of Australia. Loving talking to other students about what we think. I am confident about my ability to research and write a decent essay so that takes a bit of the pressure off that other first years are experiencing.
Derby...hmmm...work and uni and kids are taking their toll on my energy and I have stepped back from derby a bit. Not skating as often, still going to training tho. I figure when work eases off I can pick back up again. Bought a skipping rope today to help strengthen my legs, particularly my calves as they are giving me a bit of grief at skating at the moment.
Kids - Toddler is lovely. No.2 is eating me out off house and home and nicking food when he has been told he can't have it. And yet he does not eat his lunch at school. I might have to phone the school and find out what he is doing during lunch that gives him no time to eat. Teen....meh...he can be a pain sometimes. But then again, not. He's handling the multiple hospital visits that we have had in the search to find out what is going on with his leg. He is somewhat helpful around the house. He is just so mean to No.2. Makes me so sad. I have no idea if it will ever change. I do understand that they are different personalities and that clashes will occur, but I just hate how rude/nasty he can be towards No.2.
Love...well....D is back in my life again. Not sure for how long or to what extent. We caught up the other day and spent hours talking about anything and everything and it was like there had never been a break. The connection we seem to have scares me. Letting him back in scares me.
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
So we shall see.
Oh! My ex's girlfriend of 4 months is pregnant. How could he be so stupid? That was my first thought when he told me. Apparently it was a contraception issue (oh, really? What a surprise). I asked him when she was moving in and he quite adamantly said 'She's not'. I wonder how that mess is going to sort itself out.
What else....nope, think that is pretty much it :)
Friday, February 19, 2010
struggling
It has been a tough month.
My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.
My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.
Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.
I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.
Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.
My oldest boy is undergoing tests for a lump in his leg that is giving him pain. The initial concern was cancer but the doc is confident that it is not that. However, he is unable to give a certain diagnosis so now we have to see a bone specialist. The emotional rollercoaster I am on regarding this is really taking it's toll on me.
My ex, for the most part, has not been an issue, however today (Friday) he has suddenly announced he can't have the kids this weekend because of work, and my weekend full of plans has just dissolved. He then posted on Facebook that he is going to concerts on Saturday and Sunday. I am not happy at all.
Financially I am struggling. When my ex let me know he wasn't having the kids my first thought was 'how am I going to feed them?' It is not that bad, but it was my first reaction. I am about to go back to uni full-time and I am wondering how the hell we are going to manage for the next couple of yrs. I am working delivering catalogues, I get about $3 an hour. Big change from my library job where I was on about $25 an hour. I am doing it because it is flexible and will fit with uni and kids and derby. It pays for derby and a bit of petrol, it takes a little bit of pressure off.
I question myself constantly, I am my own worst enemy.
Derby is helping. 200 people came to the first bout. I was in a second one on Valentine's Day and more than 400 people came to that one. I like the friendship, the teamwork, the physical challenge. I think I would be lost without it. If I did not have to turn up to training 3 times a week I would be in bed hiding from the world, or drinking myself into oblivion (except I can't afford the alcohol). It is keeping me sane right now.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
still fine...
still churned up over the ex having a girlfriend, and it is still about HIM having someone when I cannot find a man who actually wants to get to know me without stifling me.
lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.
I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.
I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.
lonely and...I don't know, but a bit messy on the inside.
I have my first real game of Roller Derby tomorrow. I am a little nervous but feeling good on my skates. The nervousness is more about how many people are expected tomorrow...around 200. I know once I start playing it won't matter cos my focus will be on the game. My boys are coming to watch, ex is bringing them. My mum and one of my bro's will be there and my best friend has traveled hours upon hours to visit and come watch me play.
I feel messy inside and I am glad I have something like Derby and exercise to focus on and take my head away from the messy space.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fine....
is what I say when things aren't really fine at all, but maybe I am still processing my options. Or I am just not fine.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
Interestingly, I am not depressed. I am wallowing in a bit of self pity though.
What a way to start the New Year.
Since writing last I have had a date with another guy. Two dates in fact, that he asked me on. Looked promising. But...nothing. After the second date I never heard from him again. Bizarre. I puzzle over it now and then, especially as he would not reply to my texts and tell me what had caused him to disappear. It upset me a bit.
Also met a guy a couple of days ago, but I am pretty sure that won't lead anywhere. Nice enough, but I am not sure that I am what he is looking for.
So where does that leave me? Alone and lonely. Yep. Lonely.
To top it off, my ex has a girlfriend. I found out about her from my boys, they told me she and her two children had hung out with them over one of their weekends at dads. I am happy for him, but annoyed at the same time. How does HE find someone and I can't?
I was also annoyed/hurt at them playing happy families, because they were doing things that I had always wanted my ex to do with us, but he was too busy watching tv. Too busy being wrapped up in himself and his wants. God, he barely even dated me when we hooked up all those years ago.
Bring on the self pity.
He is bringing her with him today when he drops the kids off.
I got a letter in the mail saying that my license will be suspended for my screw up going round the round-a-bout. I have the option of good behaviour, and will have to take it as I cannot have no license. It means 12 months driving like I am supposed to, rather than 3 months with no license at all.
More self pity.
In the lead up to Christmas my family was being more challenging than usual. Half of them weren't even talking to each other. It made me annoyed and tired, but for the most part I stayed out of the drama. Come Christmas Day and everyone was behaving, thank God, as I really don't think I would have tolerated much.
It has been a challenging few weeks. I am a little tired of it all. I have been feeling unwell, suffering alot of indigestion. I vomit to ease the pain as pills and powders don't seem to work, and the last few times I have noticed blood. I know what I do is not smart, but it seems to be the only way for relief, to allow me to sleep. I have made an appointment with my doc, because apparently the blood thing is kind of serious, and I have cut some things out of my diet that I think make my indigestion worse.
Have had no skate time since our last session on 22nd December. Missing it like you would not believe. I have been to the gym a couple of times and can now run/walk 3km in under 30mins (aiming for 5km in under 30mins). Not doing much exercise other than that. Derby starts up again next Tuesday, I am really looking forward to it. I have managed to catch up with some of the Derby girls socially, which is truly a wonderful thing.
I feel so tired.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Pretty pleased with myself
I have a love/hate relationship with weighing scales, the same as most women. Since I started my rather extensive exercise regime I have been weighing myself about once a week, with the expectation that the kilos would be dripping off me.
Not so.
In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.
BUT....
I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....
Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)
Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)
Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)
Equals overall - 21cm (8in)
As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.
At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.
I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!
Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.
My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.
No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.
Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.
So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.
About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.
I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.
Not so.
In the last three months I have lost 1 kilo. Yes...ONE!! grrrrr to say the least.
BUT....
I have also been taking my measurements. This is why I am pleased with myself....
Oct 17th 2009
Bust 115cm (45in)
Waist 107 (42)
Hips 122 (48)
Thighs 68 (27)
Arms 38 (15)
Dec 19th 2009
Bust 111cm (43.5in)
Waist 99 (39)
Hips 118 (46.5)
Thighs 64 (25)
Arms 37 (14.5)
Total loss in two months
Bust 4cm (1.5in)
Waist 8 (3)
Hips 4 (1.5)
Thighs 4 (1.5)
Arms 1 (.5)
Equals overall - 21cm (8in)
As you can see from that, the most change has been in my waist and the least in my arms (bloody bat wings, grrrr). I am pleased overall, but frustrated at the same time as the loss is not reflected on the scales. I totally understand that muscle weighs heavier than fat and that I HAVE lost weight in that respect. I am the only one to blame for the scales not shifting further as I have made no good changes to my diet. My areas to focus on are my arms and my diet.
At Roller Derby we have begun the serious training for the Freshmeat bout. There are six of us actually practising scrimmaging, with a few girls still brushing up on their basic skills. We had a temp coach working with the girls who were brushing up on their basic skills and she went off her head at the end of training saying she did not understand how the Head Coach thought these girls were going to be ready to bout in Jan. A couple of the committee members took her aside and said that while all the girls wanted to bout, Head Coach was well aware some of them would not be ready.
I really pushed myself last night. I am noticing that I am able to maintain a high level of exercise for longer, and I am recovering much quicker. There were times last night when I felt like I was going to drop from exhaustion and I just pushed on through and was pleased with myself that I was able to keep going. I slept like the dead once I got to bed though!
Love life....LOL. Met G in person about two weeks ago and chatted to him for about an hour. He made a comment about my breasts as we were going our separate ways and I told him that embarrassed me, but laughed it off. We chatted a couple more times on the phone, but he kept bringing up sexual stuff and it was annoying me (because other than that he was a nice guy, I just figured he was a bit horny. However, I specifically said that I was looking for someone who was not in a rush). So I ended up sending him a text saying that I did not think it was appropriate for him to talk to me like this when he barely knew me, and that I had had enough conversation like that over the year to know that there were more interesting things to talk about. He texted me a few times after that, then nothing. We had arranged to go out for dinner on a Thurs, he cancelled 'due to work', we re-arranged for the following Monday, but I never heard from him again after the Thurs. I am not bothered about not spending more time with him, but I am annoyed at his rudeness.
My boys are awesome and beyond gorgeous, but not without their failings. I worry about Teen, who brought home an awful school report. He can't wait for the next two years of school to be over.
No.2 rocks my socks at the moment, lol. His report was awesome and his principal called me and asked that No.2 be accelerated into Year 5 next year (skipping Year 4 completely). Age-wise he would not be at a disadvantage as his birthday is in June (and I kept him out of school an extra year), the principal said No.2 socialises with older kids in the playground, and academically is more than capable of handling the work. I discussed it with my ex and we decided to say yes on the condition No.2 would be closely monitored and moved back down if he was not coping.
Toddler also rocks my socks at the moment. We are well and truly on the way to completing toilet training. He is 3 years old, and older generations have a tendency to think that children should be out of nappies by the time they are 18months old. After 3 boys I disagree with this and believe it puts extra unnecessary stress on families. I can understand wanting to push it if you have two small children both in nappies, but is it really that much hassle to change two nappies? Regarding cost - if you are using cloth the only cost is washing. I am not using cloth, but I only had one child in nappies at a time.
So...over the years I have made sure that I have talked openly with Toddler about going to the toilet, I have allowed Toddler to come in the bathroom with me and talked about what I am doing, we have read a couple of stories about going to the toilet and I have NOT stressed over him not being toilet trained by a certain age. When changing his nappy I would sometimes talk about how poos and wees go in the toilet. If asked about why he was not yet toilet trained I would simply say I had an awful time toilet training No.2 due to us as parents being stressed about the fact he was not toilet trained by a certain age, which then caused stress for him. I refused to go through that again.
About three weeks ago Toddler started asking to go to the toilet at bedtime, then at times during the day. It was at this point that we started putting undies on him. He had a couple of minor accidents, but for the most part remained dry. He now takes himself to the toilet and wipes his own bottom if needed (he also likes to put things down the toilet and flush them away, including one of his pairs of undies LOL). I still have him in a nappy at night but I do not think we are too far off losing that. I have not used a special toilet seat, or a potty, or a reward chart. I do praise him (by saying 'Good Job!' and give him a 'hi five') if he comes out and tells me about going to the toilet, but it is getting to the point where he does not seek the praise either, that going to the toilet is just part of life. He is quite comfortable sitting on the toilet as it is now and has a stepping stool in the bathroom he can use to get up and down.
I really think that a child will use the toilet when they feel ready to. I think that toilet training is all about the attitude of the parents. I do feel that reward charts etc are not really necessary and are simply an indication that a child is not yet ready to use the toilet. I understand that society still has this attitude that toilet training should be completed by a certain age and if it is not then a parent is failing somehow, but I say 'screw that!'. Who needs the stress? Besides, I am yet to meet a child in Kindy who is still wearing daytime nappies.
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